I posted this on the co-dependency board but thought I'd post it here as well.

So, my WH goes to a therapist and explains that he had an affair that tore our family apart and put his career and our financial situation in jeopardy. What's the therapists conclusion? My co-dependency "smothered" my WH so much that he had to release his emotions with another woman.
WHAT???
First of all, the only thing I was dependent on my husband for was a paycheck. I did everything else in our marriage.
I did everything for the kids. I did everything around the house. I did everything for HIM. He went to work and he came home. That's it. If a toilet needed fixing, I fixed it. If the bushes needed trimming, I trimmed them. If one of the kids had problem, I tried to help them with it. If WH needed a doctors appointment I made it. If WH's mother was having a birthday, I bought the present and the card and in many cases made the cake.
Since when did the traditional wife become a "Co-dependent"?
Secondly, what smothering? If anything my mistake was just the opposite. My husband did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. He wanted to go out for drinks after work? Ok.
He wanted to spend the weekends playing golf? Sure. He wanted to go to Vegas with friends for the weekend? Sounds like fun! He had to go out of town to entertain clients, give a presentation or fix a near catastrophe? No problem. My thinking, which I realize now was misguided, was that he worked so hard during the week that he deserved to spend his downtime doing whatever made him happy.
I never complained. I never asked him not to go. I said sure....with a smile on my face.
My WH was soooooo "smothered" that he practically lived with another woman right under my nose for four months before I even realized something was very, very wrong.
Then it went on for another 3 months before I got enough goods on him that he could no longer deny it.
Needless to say, I told my WH exactly what I thought of this EXCUSE to have an affair.
Find another one.

All I can say is, "You go, girl!"
Mulan

But you DO realize that you have to change, right?

Hope you will get the book "The One", otherwise known as "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders."

Sounds like you are a renter married to a freeloader.

Sacrificing everything to please your mate is not good for a healthy marriage. It seems like it should be the right thing to do, but the MB concepts are counter-intuitive.

oh yea, uh huh!
that rocks!

find another excuse and find another therapist!

woo hoo!

i made the same mistake if allowing my ex too much freedom. right into multiple affairs!

mlhb

With all due respect B, I don't see how her giving of herself made her a renter, unless she was only doing it to get something back out of it and it didn't sound like that to me. Sounds to me like she was pouring her heart out into her marriage and family like we all thought we were. We learn differently though, exactly what needs need to be met when we get to MB.

I do believe though that her H was definitely a freeloader. I'm sure that'll change now. She's smart. She's not going to sit back and take the co-dependency excuse.

However, I do agree with you that she can no longer sacrafice. We all see where that gets us.

Anyway, I'm with Mulan. YOU GO GIRL!

How the Co-dependency Movement
Is Ruining Marriages
by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html

mopey - this would be an excellent book for you to read. The poster does indeed meet the criteria of "Renter" because she was using Sacrifice as a way of keeping her marriage going. Sacrifice is a bad thing for exactly the reason you stated - because Sacrifice breeds Resentment, and Resentment kills relationships.

In a nutshell:
Freeloaders - are virtually all Take with very little Give.
Renters - will sacrifice, however grudgingly
Buyers - will NOT sacrifice *or* take endlessly, but instead use POJA
Mulan

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this article. I've read it several times before and I am in TOTAL agreement with it.

Ya just gotta luv Dr. Harley. He's a smart man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I always thought I was a buyer, too. What a surprise that I turned out to be a renter!!!!!

The poster has taught hubby how to treat her. But she THOUGHT she was being a good wife.

How to respond...
Yes, I know I give too much. I always have. This isn't something that was relegated to my WH or our marriage. I come from a very large family and I was always the one that wanted to keep the peace and make everyone happy no matter what the cost to me. I've been talking to my therapist about this problem. I need to learn to take when it's offered and ask when it's not.
My WH has been telling me this since DD. He fully admits that he has taken advantage of my giving nature. We have also been talking about his selfish nature, which he also fully admits to.
So, that's good news right?
The other good news is that we are trying to fix our individual problems separately and we haven't yet given up on our marriage.
But I also must add that I never resented giving....ever.
If fact, it made me happy. It still does. That's just who I am. So I don't think the giving in and of itself was a problem. The problem was when he took advantage of it and I asked for nothing from him.
That's not co-dependency. That's co-stupidity.

Unless you are in a marriage where addiction is present, then "co-dependency" would not be applicable. Please read that article I posted, Terry.

Well B, I guess I better read up on it again than hunh? For a long time I thought I was a buyer too up until the last few years.

I will definitely read it.

I see what you're saying now Mulan.

I'm convinced I need to read that book.

Lol....I agree. I think we've all been there.

Geez....so much to learn.....

I hope I don't croak before I learn to be happy. This stuff is grueling...

Terry, have you read about the POJA yet? You will love the concept. We all do.

Oh, and welcome to MB.
Mulan

Ditto that.

"This isn't something that was relegated to my WH or our marriage. I come from a very large family and I was always the one that wanted to keep the peace and make everyone happy no matter what the cost to me"

So it is what you feel comfortable doing. But it is NOT healthy. I know how you feel. I am the same way. I like to give to those I love. But in the long run, there are usually problems.

For one thing, one partner is more invested in the marriage than the other. And the least invested one is usually the one who cheats.

Yep. The MC put it exactly that way in our very first session. We both know that now, just 28 years too late.

Hope you will keep reading here, because you CAN have a marriage that is much better than the one before.

And hope you will get the Buyers/Renters book. It is really an eye opener.

And don't blame yourself for trying to do the right thing. Just move on to a better and different way.

There are so many F#@&$@ up therapists out there. Don't even get me started!

I feel like I gave so much too before my H's A. We've come to the conclusion that his A was about him liking the feeling of someone flirting with him, and letting it get out of hand. It was flattering and exhilerating and before he knew it, it was totally out of control. It had nothing to do with emotional needs, sexual needs or any other unfulfilled need. Of course I wasn't worshipping the ground he walked on like she was but no one does that in a marriage after the initial honeymoon period. Infatuation and adoration is powerful, and he was a jerk for not stopping it. End of story.

Having said that, no marriage is perfect, and I know we can/could have improved some things, but were they the reason for the affair...no. He completely agrees and came to this conclusion before I did.