Victoria38:

Your post makes a great deal of sense. And emphasizes my thoughts. You carry the burden of your molestation to this day, some 30 years later. The betrayal of my spouse happened when I was an adult, fully capable of understanding it, dealing with it and moving on. I can say with full confidence that I will not be carrying this around for 30 years. My kids might and I will do everything possible to help them overcome my WW's actions, but I would choose to go through this 100 more times rather than know the pain my child would go through being molested or abused and how that would affect the rest of their lives.


Again, because the hope/faith was placed in people, who ultimately are neither perfect or righteous.

I am in no way dismissing the pain that comes from betrayal. I have felt it to. But we can choose to let that rule who we are, or move beyond it. To dwell on how this is the worst possible thing ever just puts the BS in an even more "woe is me" position and does not necessarily help in personal recovery IMO.

Victoria, I don't think anyone is going to argue with your perceptions of your own abuse. If it was the same, or even worse than being betrayed, then that is your perfectly valid assessment.

But for you to judge that those of us who said what we did "don't understand", you are trying to put your own perceptions over the top of ours.

I was molested, scarred, and an adult before I was able to deal with it fully. I shed many tears over my pain at being molested. For me, infidelity was much worse.

It is not hard at all for me to accept that for you, the molestation was worse. But I don't understand why you are portraying my perception as being, basically, ignorant. Uninformed.

I have been in both roles, and am also the best judge of my own pain. Please give me the same respect I am giving you.

Well, not only do you NOT have the ability to do that here...you also shouldn't.
You misread my post.
I NEVER said there was an obligation to feel a certain way. What I did was offer my opinion. I can't tell someone here what to do.

Victoria is offering her opinion Neak...she isn't saying that yours has no value. She used words like "maybe" and "for me."

These assessments are incredibly interesting. Me, I never had any experience to compare with mine.

I wonder how much our perceptions are clouded by the passage of time.

I also am baffled by the incongruity between how painful this experience is and how painful it is perceived to be in the outside world.

Maybe because it doesn't have much of a physical manifestation in the sufferer. You look the same except for the sudden weight loss (a.k.a. "the upside").

And possibly because stoicism is so admired.

And possibly because it's considered fair play by too many people.

MEDC, we're all good. You have your opinion and I have mine, no shock that they are different.

I clarified, you clarified, I think we're both clear. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also, FPF, I don't know if you saw what I posted above, that Lady Clueless sharing what she did helped a FWH gain a new perspective on his adultery. That is what I am hoping to accomplish here, not by miring down BS's and keeping them from a good recovery.

You may not realize how happy I am, both in my life and in my marriage. Also how happy (now) many of the other posters are. Infidelity was the worst pain in my life, but it's also in the past, not something that still weighs me down every day or causes a woe-is-me attitude.

Even those that are still in pain will heal faster for accepting their pain, validating it, and then moving on. Without all the early recovery time that I spent getting to know my pain, turning it around to look at it from every angle, examining it inside and out, I don't think I would have recovered as deeply.

I expect that's so.

The maybe doesn't change the basic meaning of this sentence. "If I feel that way, then maybe I don't fully understand the affect being molested has on a child."

Even with a maybe, I have just fully discredited my opinion by saying that.

I maintain that I do understand. No maybe. My perception is different, and I accept that. But a non-identical viewpoint does not necessarily mean that either of us doesn't understand, but only that our experiences were not the same.

Our oldest son was born with a heart defect that required open heart surgery at 23 hours old. He's made a full recovery now, but for the first 2 days the prognosis was not very good. Infidelity outweighs the anguish I felt those first 2 days by like a gazillion! This stuff will crush the strongest person.

Physical pain pales in comparison to the pain of infidelity. Let me put it this way. If I were given an opportunity to go back in time and prevent my DW's A from happening by say sticking my hand in a woodchipper....

I'd be typing this one handed. Of course, I wouldn't be here then anyways. Just plain sucks!

Want2Stay

Neak, My point is that for some the affects of being molested may be far greater than they are able to see at this moment. It was just this last year that I began to realize the impact being molested has had on my life. Yes this is just my own experience. But given that this is a possible outcome, I would be devasted if my daughter were molested, knowing that her life could be altered in such a way.

I think you missed that I said being a BS was the worst pain I ever felt. But, even though the pain of being a BS was the worst so far for me, I am fairly confident that I would feel even more pain if my daughter were to be molested.

I never meant to say you were ignorant or to disrespect you and I apologize for making you feel that way. Sometimes I tend to ramble, but I want you to know that even though we have felt the pain differently for the events in our lives, I completely understand your point of this thread. It was just this morning that I was wondering if my FWH fully understands the pain being betrayed has caused me. Sometimes I think he does and that in itself eases the pain.

I also think that if more WS's could understand the pain their betrayal caused then maybe there would be fewer revenge affairs.

Neak:

I appreciate your thoughts and opinion. I did see where you said this had helped a WS realize the pain they had caused and that is good. And I agree that we must look at the pain and grieve to move past it.

The point being we can and will get past it. There is no getting past death, which others suggested was less painful than infidelity.

Worse than...

being forcibly molested almost everyday for years by brothers.

having my father ask what I did to encourage those perps when the molestation was revealed.


Why is this infidelity worse?

I was born into my family. They did not CHOOSE me. They just GOT me.

My husband CHOSE me over ALL others. He then made a promise (actually repeated that promise to me often) to love, cherish, and protect me. We spent 24 years building our life together.

He also knew the betrayals of my past and all that I worked through to become a healthy woman, wife and mother. AND he knew how much I trusted him...completely. I had no doubt in his faithfulness and commitment.

With THAT knowledge, he willingly made the decision, THE CHOICE to take my love and trust in him and betray all that we were. In doing so, that led him to not only ABANDON me, but also our children, all of whom he actively planned the conception of and committed to love, protect, and BE THERE for.

To have been CHOSEN, and then DISCARDED like disgusting trash. That is the pain I face.

He then USED my sexual abuse as a rationalization to others for his affair and told LIES about me and our SF to justify himself. I shared with him what had been up to that point in my life the most horrid experience ever, and he used it against me.

Returning and becoming a former WS, does not change the reality of the choice to betray and abandon.


The wound is much deeper. Yes, the molestation changed the core of who I was, I'm sure. I pray one day I will look back on this part of my life and no longer trigger about my husband's infidelity, like I no longer trigger from the molestation; and that I no longer ache in the core of my being.

To get to that place after facing the molestation, it took years of painful work and turning it over to God repeatedly as He peeled the layers off of me, and allowed me to bloom again.

I believe God will do that again with me. But I acknowledge that the wound from infidelity runs deeper. And I believe that is so because my husband and I became one flesh in our bodies and in our spirits when we spoke our vows before God.

My 9 & 11 yos's were talking a few days ago. The 9 yos said something like mommy and daddy were apart last year. The 11 yos said, "Yes, but their souls weren't."

tst and I just looked at each other with tears in our eyes. Our 11 yos understood that our souls had been united when we said our vows.

THAT is why the betrayal runs so deep.

((((SMB))))

BEAUTIFUL!!

Thank you, Mimi.

I wish it didn't hurt so.

SMB,

Thank you for that post..

You almost made me tear up.... You need to make post like that when I'm at home... Not at work....LOL

Knowing that you and tst are in recovery is inspirational...And I needed to see that today...

SMB that was an AWESOME post.

Pariah, There is not doubt that double betrayal is a horrible thing and painful beyond belief. I would beg to differ that what they did cause you to become. We can't control what people do or don't do in our lives, but I would ask you to consider that how you react to it is on you. Not that it doesn't hurt, not that it isn't painful and totally suck. But if you became a negative person, you chose that.

I would have to disagree with this. I have lost both of my parents and though i miss them every day of my life, they were both very very sick before they died and myself and all of my siblings were glad to see them no longer suffering.

SMB, I am so glad you posted this.

I think it is helping you write now to be able to keep going forward with each day.

I love you and admire your strength and pray for you everyday.

WOW,does anyone have a tissue? Beautifully said.
Tami