Ok....

I admit it... there was no almost "tearing up"... I had to shut the door to my office and take a moment to get myself together...

Thank you again SMB... You turd... you made me cry...LOL...

I needed to hear that... especially the end ... what the kids said about the souls...

It's clear that infidelity is at or near the top (bottom) as far as worst pain. I'm wondering about the perspective of children of adulterous parents and where it fits with them. The effects of separation and divorce, particularly when it involves an ugly legal battle is obviousl. But what about the infidelity itself? Like the molested child, the child of an adulterous parent is caught up in a life-changing whirlwind with absolutely no control over their situation and lacks the maturity to understand and deal with it. Does anyone here have a parent who cheated? Where did that rank on the Pain-o-Meter?

Want2, lol at the woodchipper. What a vivid description that sums up the feelings of so many BS's.

Gray, agree 100%.

Victoria, thank you for explaining; I understand better where you're coming from and what you meant.

I just have to say that if your daughter were ever molested, whether you ended up feeling more pain or not, your daughter would probably have a much better healing experience than you did, since she would be guided by a strong mom who understands the pitfalls of recovery, and would do a good job of helping her through as smoothly as possible.

Not to get totally OT here, but I think recovery from sexual abuse is much harder if the child does not come from a strong, loving family. If the abuse came from outside the home, and the family is still intact to provide security, I think that is the best case scenario. When the abuse happens inside the home, like SMB, and then the parents do not provide safety to the abused child upon finding out, that is the hardest to heal from, IMO. It adds betrayal to betrayal.

Thank you for taking the time to post what you did.

FPF, from a Christian perspective, although death is an enemy, it is not to be feared. It is not permanent.

If you have no belief in anything past the grave, I can totally see how death would seem like the worst possible case to endure. I could even see it being worse than infidelity for you.

But for a person who believes that death is not the end, and that heaven is the future home of all those who are saved, death doesn't hold the same power to hurt.

Losing my baby hurt, but I know I'll see him again.

While my DH was in his A, and it seemed like it would never end, the single thing that was hardest to bear was facing an eternity without him if he didn't change. And at the time, it didn't appear as if he ever would.

If he died now, I would be very sad, don't get me wrong, but not the same hopeless grief I felt before. I would miss him terribly, but always with the knowledge that I would see him again.

{{{{{{{{SMB}}}}}}}}}}

Amazin,

You're making me cry, blush, and crack up all at the same time....calling me a turd and all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


My hubby just called to remind me to start thinking about our son's graduation. Yes, I'm t/jing for a minute.

My oldest baby will graduate this year....from our homeschool...I can't believe it's happening. It seems like it was yesterday that he was sitting next to me learning to read and his face was beaming!

So, in a few months, he'll graduate from our school, with just about 2 years of college under his belt because he started community college his jr. year of high school. Ain't no way I was teaching physics, trig, and calculus!

Something really funny is this kid HATED to write. He'd cry, pout, act sick, whatever he could to get out of writing. But since mama is a writer, there was no getting out of it. (Please don't mind my grammatical errors; I just don't proof for them when I post ) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

The kid goes to college and has to take 2 writing classes for his gen ed. He gets A's in them and tells me writing ain't so bad. Huh?!

I'm lovin' it.

It's such a mom moment for me to think not only is my son graduating...but *I* taught him and he's done great at college!!!! I'm doing the SMB dance!!!

T/J over.

EXACTLY!

We know what it's like to become the unwanted pet that is discarded with the owners never looking back as they drive away.

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Queenie.

I hope you have a LOVELY day tomorrow, my friend!

FPF
I take offense to this statement. Who are you to criticise someones' beliefs as if you have the authority to determine the merit of their personal beliefs? Geez...sounds pretty pompous.


NO ONE here ,from what I read, said infidelity was the end of the world. The statement was "Being betrayed was worse than..." It was not "Infidelity is the end of the world for me because...". Not sure how you got to that interpretation.

Personally, I like who I am NOW, I like my M NOW, I like my H NOW. I would not go back to how it was. MB helped lots!

Okay I respect your opinion. I have watched my young niece grow up fatherless since my Brother-in-law passed away over 5 years ago. I have seen how it has affected both her and my sister, and their relationship. My brother-in-law was not sick, he was not suffering. The suffering now is in my niece who will grow up without the awesome influence of her father. I can do everything possible to be there for her but I will never take his place. To me that's more painful than what my wife has done to me, because in my eyes at least, it is affecting my niece and sister more than my (possible) divorce will affect me.

It's all a matter of perspective isn't it.

Not trying to be disrespectful here to anyone. The above are just my opinions and we are each entitled to our own.

I totally agree with you about death not being permanent. I like the Christian perspective. And from a Christian perspective we are to get our worth from our relationship with God not from earthly things, that includes our spouse. If we are to be totally devastated by the actions of another human being, we are putting too much hope and faith in that person and not enough in God. God's "Sovereign Will", will be done. So therefore nothing that happens to us on earth should be painful should it, just like you talking about not fearing death, well the infidelity also happened as part of God's sovereign will. The only thing that really matters is our relationship with Jesus Christ.

But we are not talking about "Sovereign Will" here are we. We are talking about our own "Earthy Will" and we do feel pain. It is just my opinion that my wife's infidelity would be less painful than finding out my daughter has been molested at an age where she is unable to comprehend or deal with it. Of course I pray I never have to find this out for sure.

I do not believe that we should feel no suffering if we will only bow to Sovereign Will.

Jesus suffered more than anyone else on earth, even more than those of us who have experienced infidelity. His suffering was not a violation of Sovereign Will.


And if Christ had to suffer in order to be made perfect {complete - and able to complete our salvation), then since we are one with Him (verse 11) we should expect to face suffering also.

In fact, I think the closer we come to a holy God, the more offensive and painful any sin, but especially infidelity, is to us.

To me, Sovereign Will does not mean I won't or shouldn't feel suffering or pain, but that I should always have hope in the promise that He will bring good out of tragedy.

And SMB - woo hoo and congratulations! It's almost like giving birth all over again, isn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I apologize. I do not mean to offend. I have no authority, and my comments where wrong. My intent was not to be pompous though it certainly came across as that.

With that being said, when my own personal D-Day happened I did question my beliefs. It lead me to a much better place and increased my spiritual faith ten fold. So I don't view questioning ones beliefs to be such a bad thing. But I do recognize that the way I expressed it was just completely a$$nine and I do beg your forgiveness for the offense I caused.


I also like who I am now, and I think MB can and has helped many people. I just didn't see the constructive nature of some of comments about it being worse than our children being molested or watching a family member die, or actually rather dying than going through it again. My bad, everyone can have their opinion and everyone's pain is valid.

It was reasoned that maybe by doing this WS's would understand more of what pain they are causing. I tend to think more BS's are coming here than WS's so arguments should be steered towards them. And IMO and it's just my opinion, nothing more, this sounded too much like a pity party for my own liking. I should have kept to myself because once i jumped in I got a little too fired up. I am beginning to learn that while I agree with the MB principles and there is some excellent advice being handed out here. I just don't necessarily fit in line with a lot of the other stuff being thrown about. Better I just go my own way in peace.

Again I truly and humbly apologize to anyone I may have offended.

PS. On a last note from my perspective this was the best response in this entire thread.

Edit in response to Neak who posted same time as myself:

I totally agree we do feel pain and are supposed to feel pain. It was argued that we shouldn't feel pain in someone else's death because there is an afterlife. I was arguing that our Earthly Will does cause us to feel pain in another's death, regardless of our believe that they may have gone to a better place.

Actually maybe I'm just not making any sense today. I know what I'm trying to say but instead I'm just pissing people off and that really is not my intention at all.

Maybe I just wasn't understanding what you meant. I think I still disagree, just a little, that it is our earthly will that causes us to feel pain. No fear is different than no pain. We aren't told not to feel sadness, but not to sorrow like those who have no hope.

Did you think I said we should no feel pain at the death of a loved one? If so, let me clarify. I have felt plenty of pain upon the death of loved ones, my baby especially, but it was not a hopeless pain.

Having a loved one temporarily held captive by death is a whole different pain (and lesser, IMO) than watching someone you love hurtle themselves along a path that ends in permanent destruction. Whether that path is infidelity, drugs, alcohol, or any other sinful thing, to me that life is worse than the death of someone I can hope to see again.

Hopefully I'm making sense, but my allergies are going downhill, and I can't be sure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's all good FPF.


Neak and a few others on this thread have been posting to a WH who began his thread with tones of victimhood. He wants HIS pain to be realized by his BW. I suspect this thread was to help him understand that his pain pales in comparison to hers. And unless he is betrayed in the same fashion later, he never will fully understand the devastation. His BW is also posting here, so in turn we are helping her get the understanding she needs.

Like I said FPF, it's all good. Don't go anywhere.

I am profoundly changed by my experiences as a BS. I don't like any of them.

I need a lot of them.

But I don't like any of them.

Not just him, but all the others. I have seen so many arrive here with the same attitude. I have seen the same attitude in my own H, though of course not for a long time now.

And then, a few months down the road, there is the next attitude: why can't you just get over it already?

AJ would be very frustrated, feeling as though the many efforts he made (and he did work very hard) just weren't enough. I explained to him that his efforts were what had given me a safe place to heal, and the main reason we had even gotten as far as we had in our recovery.

I told him to give me lots and lots of time, and other than that, just keep on doing what he was doing, because it was enough.

You just can't understand the length of the healing process without grasping the depth of the wound. It would be pretty rare to have someone come up to a parent a month or two after the death of their child and say, why aren't you over that already? Move on with your life. We know that a wound that dreadful requires a long time to heal.

Until understanding that infidelity is at least as bad, and often worse, people just aren't going to get why it takes so long to get past it.

I have to applaud every BS for their heroism, whether the marriage survived or not. (With special thanks to all the FWS's here, AJ included, who have done everything they could to heal the hurt they caused.)

*smiling wryly*

Bob, I know just what you mean. I needed a lot of my changes, too, even though I'm not real crazy about how I got them.

You're a good fella.

Being betrayed was worse than...

*anything I ever imagined or ever wanted to. I had no idea emotional hurt could be like this...none.

And maybe that is because it DOESN'T GO AWAY. Am I the only one, who, a full year into "real recovery", still thinks about this every waking hour of every day?

I've changed, and continue to, for the better. The pain has not. I think I've just gotten used to it, like a scar that I rub my finger across now and then. I'm coming up on three years since the first Dday.

If i ever enter 'real recovery', I'll let you know.