MarriedForever,
You are not the only one, I think about it constantly and I am coming up on one year into recovery also.
Victoria

Time for my favorite cliche:

You never get over it but you do get used to it.

My father was a serial cheater. It wasn't painful because no one ever told me it was wrong. When you are raised to not know right from wrong, it doesn't matter. Its not painful, its confusing. The divorce did hurt me very much.

Nope, almost 2 full years in and I still think about it every day.

IAD,

I am not familiar with your sitch. Is your M healing?

PF,

First off the question was being betrayed was worse than, not which would you rather have happen.

Given the CHOICE of course, I would do this again rather than have one of my children molested again. But, that was NOT question.

Now, unless you have been in this position, you could not possibly know. This is worse,,,why??? Because when my DD was molested I HAD to be strong for her, support her, and when I had days I thought I couldn't do it any more, I HAD my H there to support me, help me, be my rock, and my best friend. With this, there is no one. Not the one you turn to for all those things. Yes, you have family, friends, and of course this board, but it not anywhere near the same as having your partner there.

And just to let you know, I didn't have a choice in either situation.....

It is easy to judge when you haven't walked a mile in their shoes....

not2fun

MEDC,

Your key word there is IF.

People that experience this sort of pain do not get the choice. Have you had a child molested??? Have you walked her through the trauma of having to repeat a story she only wanted to tell once, over and over again??? Have you watched you child sit in FEAR in a court room full of strangers, having people ask her questions about what happened all the while the perp. who did this sits 100 ft. away? Have you sat in with your child, during the reoccuring nightmares???

Unless, you can answer yes to these questions, you can in No way sit here and tell me how I feel.

I've already posted this once....

During all of that, I had to be strong for my DD. I had to support her. My pain of the experience was pale compared to hers. When my pain would rise, I had my WS to help me. Do all the things a H is supposed to do for his wife during something like this. It was painful, excruciating, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Yes, I would do dday every day, if it meant sparing my DD the trauma of her abuse.

But, picking up the pieces of my H's A??? Even worse.....because there is nothing he can do to take it back. He will not be sent to jail for 73 yrs. He broke a trust and promise more sacred than anything to me.....

not2fun

My parents fought quite a bit when we were quite young, and my mum left at least twice, but I never really knew why. It used to get us pretty upset, and I think it affected all of us in various ways (I retreated into myself, my brother found ways to be out of the house as much as possible, etc). We found ways to cope that are evident in our behaviour even today, 30+ years later.

Only recently my dad disclosed to me that he had an A (when he saw that my FWW and I were going through some really difficult times), and it had taken a long while for mum to forgive him. I didn't ask him for any details, but I now have a much clearer idea of what pain my mother must have been going through.

Funnily enough, I don't think any less of him because of his disclosure. Maybe because it was so long ago. Maybe because I saw more deep remorse for his actions in those few words he mentioned to me than I've seen in the last three years of my "under-recovery" M. Maybe I'm just numb to it all now, I don't really know.

I am not sure if this is good or bad.

Is this something I really want to "get used to"?.

It really sucks to have only two options, and both of them bite.

Welcome to MB, Justice.

You are, of course, entitled to your opinion. Mine is a tad different; I think this discussion has been helpful to quite a few people, myself included.

1-2 years of recovery and it is normal to still be thinking of affair stuff most all the time.

It does keep getting better.

I don't have to think about the A at all any more. Not much triggers me now. I am happy and joyful, even though life is far from perfect. My H loves me and I love him, and we protect each other now.

By 3 years, if the FWS has done the whole NC/PORH and all the rest, you should be doing well. If the FWS is not fully on board with protecting the BS, healing will take much longer, if it occurs at all.

Yes, SMB...you are correct...THIS is why the betrayal hurts so badly. Perfectly said.

Thank you for putting into words that which I felt but, until now, have been unable to articulate.

Post deleted by crayola_mb

I am both, and feel that I have not been demeaning or inconsiderate to my own feelings as either.

Each of the others who came on here has also posted only their own feelings.

Also, I have not asked for a comparison, nor do I think anyone else has. It is far more interesting for me to consider our differing viewpoints than to get out the cookie cutter and make sweeping assumptions.

Still, the similarity of response for those of us who have been in both positions, is also worth noting, IMO.

People posted how they felt about the different events that have taken place in THEIR LIVES. HOW THEY FELT!!!! It is what it is. There is no reason to take it out of context, unless you have a different agenda.

J2008, I always find it interesting when a newbie jumps into a thread in the fashion in which you have. Makes me wonder.

Well said Michelle

Neak, I am sorry that both of these events happened to you. I hope that soon, they will become just some distant memories to you.

For me it has been life altering. You feel like you are going insane. It feels like someone punched a hole in your chest, ripped out your heart and stepped on it. They leave you there with the hole in your chest and the wound is never really healed and then they make you feel like it was your fault that they ripped your heart out and stepped all over it.

I can't really compare it to death of a loved one because for me, those are two different things. That is just the way I have experienced it. I lost my grandmother years ago and I have never really recovered from that loss. She was so important to my close knit family and her loss has stayed with me and probably always will. My WH infidelity will stay with me as well, just in a different kind of way.
Both experiences are painful and dreadful to go through, for me its just that I can't compare the two because my grandmother didn't die just to hurt me, but my WH did cheat knowing his behavior is hurtful, but he still hasn't completely offered to help me heal.

I walked in on my mom giving a BJ to my god father. It ranks right up there on the pain o meter. He had the balls to show up at my dads funeral...I told him if he didn't leave immediately he would be taken out on a stretcher.

I DIDN'T tell you how you feel. I'm not even sure wher you got that from.