You do know what Pariah means, right? It means an outcast.

If his church threw him out, excommunicated him because his wife had an affair and divorced him, I really don't think you can lay that on his head saying he did that to himself.

I have some things that I would like to add to this thread, but I need to first sort out what I want to say.

Post deleted by Chrysalis

This has been more painful than dealing with the death of our infant son. I'm not saying that I wouldn't go through this to have him back. I'm just saying that it was easier to deal with.

i have not read through this entire thread but did read what medc said about dealing with molestation of ones child,etc.

although infidelity hurt (and my ex knew exactly how to hurt me. i had always told him "i can deal with a lot, but being cheated on would devastate me" and he did it to me over and over and over again with more women than i can count) and although it stays with me, it has not overtaken me. i have moved on from it where as if anyone every molested my son or daughter, now THAT would devastate me to my core and i am not sure how i would move on from that. in fact, i would probably be in jail because i would kill who ever did it, i don't care if they were a relative or stranger, they would be tortured in the most awful ways and killed!

mlhb

DITTO!

The operative word here is IF. This has not happened to you, so you assume that it would hurt YOU more. You can't know that unless it has happened to you.

For myself, I ASSUME that my son being molested or otherwise assailed would hurt ME worse. I really can't know that without it happening. I pray to God it never does. He was hurt by someone on the bus yesterday, emotionally, and I felt my heart being squeezed, and that was just with tears from him being rejected!

My interpretation of the thread was to talk about how betrayal with infidelity affected us, and how we ranked it on the pain-o-meter scale.

being betrayed IS the worse thing I've ever experienced! The unbearable pain of wondering why, what could I have done to change things. How could this person who seemed so kind and gentle and moral turn to white trash? How could this very devoted dad spend almost no time at all with his kids, and teach his kids something so immoral?

everyone might not admit it, but I'm sure most people have thought about taking their own life at some point or another during the devastatingly horrid hours they spend wondering about their future. My brother did, it's coming up on the two year anniversary of his death. His wife was cheating on him and taking his kids. We had talked in the days before hand and he promised he wouldn't do it, and then did. Right after it happened I knew people questioned why someone would do that to their kids, how could someone be so selfish, he was NOT a selfish person, when you feel that low you just want the pain to go away. I could understand the pain he talked about and I felt so sad for him. And then it happened to me. And I felt the pain first hand. I feel it often, it's heart breaking day after day. Some days are better than others. Some hours are better than others. But it is the WORST sort of emotional pain that I can ever imagine and wish there were some sort of earthly justice that could be imposed on those involved in such horrendous acts. Why should they be blissfully happy and "oh so in love" while we cry so hard it becomes hard to breathe... I know in the end they'll get theirs, I guess I just wish it didn't have to hurt so bad to be betrayed.

No, I'm not suicidal. Most days I'm actually quite content waiting this nasty affair out. Even if it ends in divorce I know I have a purpose in life and three wonderful kids to continue raising.

Thank you Enlightened Ex. I have always thought the word to mean someone who goes around hurting someone else. Like the fish. I went to the dictionary and looked it up and I was completely wrong. I appreciate you bringing the truth here.

Pariah, I am very sorry for my mistake and will try and delete that comment as I would NEVER want to hurt someone else by saying something that wasn't true or will try to make amends first.

I hope you can accept my apology.

One short comment on this. At this point, more than 4 years past d-day, I not longer THINK about my FWH's betrayal every day.

Let's say, though, that I am still aware of it. It is just sort of in the back of my consciousness.

What has changed is the way I react to the memory. I have gone from becoming physically ill, to searing emotional pain, to anger, and landed at mild annoyance.

Progress?

Who

Hey Queenie,

That's Piranna. Happy Birthday!!

Who

silent,
i understand what you are saying. i just know, for me, i am VERY sure that anyone touching any of my children, hurting them, abusing them in any way, would hurt me much more and get my blood boiling much more than infidelity did. and that would be a lot since infidelity did put me down for the count.

as far as the pain-o-meter..
well, it was more painful than a lot of things in my life. was it more painful than growing up with an alcoholic father and in the household i grew up in? i am not really sure about that. my exes infidelity brought up painful memories from my past and almost reiderated for me that i was rejectable and that i was not good enough the way i was. and that is what i grew up with.l

mlhb

The operative word for me is "KNOW" as in I know how I would respond. I have dealt with and seen enough abuse in my days to KNOW how I would respond.

SL...you may noit KNOW how you would respond to things you haven't experienced...I respect that...but don't assume that others may not.

Fair enough. I'm merely stating that I don't KNOW. I choose to believe that I would feel more devastation from my son's pain, loss and betrayal than my own.

For my sister and me both, finding out about the molestation was hard, but life very quickly went to the "new normal", with hypervigilance, tantrums and meltdowns and all the rest. It affects our everyday life even yet, often every minute of our everyday life, but very quickly reaches a level that it can be tolerated for long periods, even right in the middle of it.

Infidelity is something I would never be able to tolerate up close like that, over a period of many years.

I don't know how to explain this any better. Having your kids molested is bad, but if you're a good parent you just remove access to them, report the molestor, and go through the process to get them started on healing. It's very bad, very devastating, and all that, but very quickly reaches a bearable level. AND I have my DH supporting me all the way.

Losing our babies at birth was devastating to us. Within a 2 year and 7 month period, we suffered the loss of both daughters, plus 3 miscarriages. I also had 2 miscarriages several years earlier, and miscarried a baby boy at 14 weeks, almost 4 years after the death our our last daughter.
We do have a son and daughter, both born early in our marriage. Had we waited to have them, as both our families advised, I truly believe that we would not have any living children. I also believe that my children were a blessing in helping us heal from the loss of their baby sisters and brother, as well as the miscarriages.

I grieved for our babies for a very long time. The grief was almost crippling, but I had my other children to care for, so I had to pull myself together for them.

In time, I came to understand certain things.

Our first daughter (3rd child) died when the placenta detached itself from my uterus. It was a situation from which I could have died from hemorrhaging; however, the doctor said that the only reason I did not have any hemorhaging was because the placenta had basically dried up before pulling free. Odd in my case...because that usually is only seen in diabetic mothers, and I have never had diabetes, not even gestational diabetes.

The only way my daughter could have been saved would have been if I was already on the operating table for a C-section. With the placenta being in the process of drying up for some time before detaching, it is quite likely that our daughter suffered some oxygen deprivation. While she was physically perfect, she could have had a serious mental handicap. That would not have mattered to me, of course, because I love my children unconditionally. I would gladly have cared for her the rest of my life.

Our last daughter died from an infection of the amniotic fluid, and once labor was induced, I quickly became very, very ill from the same infection as it entered my bloodstream. The doctor said that I was very fortunate to have chosen to have labor induced, because I became ill so quickly that had I gone into natural labor at home, it could have been too late to save me by the time I got to the hospital an hour away from home.

Once she was born, it was quite clear that, even without the infection, she would have been one very, very sick little girl. At 36 weeks, she only weighed 1 lb., 12 oz. A loop of her intestines was on the outside of her body, and where it passed through her stomach, the skin had grown closed around it, creating an intestinal blockage. As a result, her growth stopped, and I'm sure that lack of nutrition probably would have resulted in her being mentally handicapped, as well. Still didn't matter to me, as I was prepared to love and care for her the rest of my days.

Even if she had lived, she would have required numerous surgeries to repair the intestinal damage, and probably could have been in the hospital for as long as a couple of years. I believe she would have suffered greatly.

I now believe that their deaths were caused by undiagnosed systemic lupus. I was diagnosed about 15 years ago.

I am grateful that none of our babies have to suffer on this earth, and I KNOW for a fact that I will see them again. With my husband's infidelities, I doubt very much that I could have been the mother they would have needed. It was hard enough with two healthy older children.

Our precious babies in Heaven are blessed in that they did not have to live through all this affair stuff.

My pain in losing them is selfish pain for myself, because I want my babies. I do still feel pain and grief over their deaths, even after 26 years and almost 24 years. Our miscarried son would be 19 years old if he had lived.

Their deaths were somethng that no one could have predicted, and it was no one's fault.

However, the fact that I will see them again and the fact that they did not have prolonged suffering is a great comfort to me, and I no longer dwell on their deaths. I just sometimes shed a few tears for what could have been, and wonder what kind of young adults they would have become.

I will post about how the infidelity affected/affects me in another post. Posting this has made me teary-eyed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

((((((Lady))))))

I am so sorry for your loses...thank you for sharing them....


not2fun

((((((((((((((LC)))))))))))))

What a painful journey you have traveled. You have my utmost respect to have suffered so, and come out the other side with such grace and beauty.

Every parent always says they would kill whomever would do such unspeakable act against their kids, but until it happens you don't know. For me, yes, I wanted to kill. But, my FIRST priority was my DD and her needs. Think about it, if someone did this to your child, and you go and do something to them that lands you in prison, WHO is going to be around to help that child heal????

I'm not saying you are wrong or right, I am just stating the facts as they pertained to me. I will state that the night she told me what had happened, my H was out. I was petrified at what his reaction was going to be. So, before I told him, I told my MIL and had her come over and we removed all my H's guns and rifles from the house, just in case......

And as far as getting "over" it, you don't. You learn, you heal and you grow, and finally you accept. I guess the part that helped me the most was the fact that we called the cops, had him arrested, and he is now in prison for the next 73 yrs., where I hear the inmates do NOT take kindly to child molestors.....so all in all, justice is served. In this infidelity mess, I am not sure there is EVER justice....

not2fun

i wanted to add to this post

* worse than the lose of two miscarried angles now in heaven. Being pregnant off and on for about 2 yrs was rough.... plays havoc on ones body and mind.

LC i am sooo sorry for your terrible loses.... you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers