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I'm hoping some of the BS's might be able to help with this? I spoke with my H about a text that he received from a female friend of his, something I wasn't comfortable with. He told me I had absolutely nothing to worry about, he's in love with me. Since that point in time (just earlier this week) I have snooped a handful of times and have found that he regularly deletes ALL of his incoming and outgoing text messages as well as all of his incoming and outgoing calls. I know he used to delete them somewhat regularly, but now it's at a constant. Am I being paranoid, or is this something I ought to be paying closer attention to?

I'm the one that had the A, but I'm concerned that conversations may be happening that are inappropriate, and that's why he's deleting everything. What I've learned from all of you is basically anything that I wouldn't want him to see, shouldn't be happening, and the same is true in reverse. I <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by ILove_My_Husband; 03/08/08 05:53 AM.
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There is no reason to constantly delete emails and messages unless there is something to hide.

None.

But that's just my opinion.


BH (me) - 33
FWW - 32
S - 3 & 1

Married 7/25/98
EA/PA 2/02 - 2/04
D-Day 1/23/08

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Huge red flag.

Do you know this woman? What is the basis of their "friendship"?

Have you told him how really uncomfortable you are with this contact?

I would start right now with POJA and talk about it. I would also start snooping deeper.


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Ilove,

I never ever think about deleting my phone calls on my cell. It's actually easier if I don't because I can then just hit talk, the list of my last 20 calls comes up, and I can scroll down to who I want to talk to.

And after they drop off after the 20th call.

And, gosh, what reason would anyone have TO delete them???
Well, no good reason that I can think of.

It is also an added process to do that. Like deleting the history on the computer.

I think you have good reason to be concerned. Check the phone bills.

kirk


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Agreed, why delete history if there is nothing to hide?

What "reasonable" excuse is there?

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ILMH,
First,
it might help to just state what the actual text message you read said. (sorry bout the rhyme there)

Did the deleting behavior start only AFTER you read the inappropriate text?? (upon re-reading I guess you already said it did)

In any case,
without knowing what got your radar up in the first place .........my view is that although this doesn't necessarily mean anything by itself ........it can't hurt to keep your eyes and ears open.

It sure does sound suspicious .....for him to start covering his tracks, AFTER you find out something.

We all tend to "kinda" KNOW when something isn't right .........but don't always heed our own gut.

Again,
if this is the ONLY thing amiss, it may be nothing.
However,
IF there are OTHER signs or behaviors as well .........then you may have problems.
Stay alert.


Fooling people is serious business, but when you fool yourself it Becomes Fatal.

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One of the first red flags I noticed in my WW's behavior was her deletion of call logs. Not a smoking gun by any means, but certainly a very big warning sign.

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You brought it to his attention that you were uncomfortable with a text message from a female, after that incident he begins to delete all of his messages...because he now knows you have been reading the messages...I don't think you are being paranoid at all..If he wasn't deleting BEFORE you discovered the message that made you uncomfortable, it is reasonable for you to feel suspicious of his behavior now that he appears to be covering his tracks. There would be no reason for him to delete all of his messages unless he is attempting to prevent you from finding anything else that may be deemed innapropriate.
Keep your eye on him.

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Yes, you should be very concerned.

Along with other snooping, keep checking his phone. Sooner or later he is likely to forget to delete something.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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In a word, yes you do have a reason to be concerned. As you and your H know, secrecy has no place in a marriage. If he is hiding things, then he obviously has something to hide.

Or perhaps, he just wants you to think he does. It is possible that because you are a FWW, he wants you to have a small taste of what it feels like to think you might be a BS.

As a BS, I can actually understand that line of thinking. It is wrong, but understandable, especially in the early times following d-day.

Just the same, I too would recommend further investigation.

Sorry,

Who


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Can you log into the cell account online and get a record of the incoming/outgoing calls and texts?

My DH and I have a policy of NO DELETIONS on either of our phones and we are welcome to puruse the others' log at will.

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I agree with other posters - this requires more investigation...


Me (RBW) 6w5 DFW (RWH) 3w2 Established 1/93 Rebuilding since 9/03
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The first text that I read from her said
"I'm leaving *** at the end of the school year. I'm sad, scared and uncertain. Hope you're having better luck. XXX."

He's always deleted everything in his phone, just not with the regularity that it seems he may be doing it now. He's told me so many times how much he loves me. I'm going to give it a few days and see if he continues to delete things regularly. I guess what freaked me out last night was that he was out for about 4 hours, I knew he would be, he is every Friday night and when I took a look at his phone while he was in the shower, the only call that was still on there was the one he made to me while he was parking the car. That means that just before he left, or right before he made that call to me, he deleted everything in his phone. I guess I find the timing of doing it stranger than anything. I sent him a text that he got just as he was leaving. If his phone was empty except that last call, then he took the time to do it, at a strange time. There are no other signs. I told him that the text he got from her made me uneasy. He said I had nothing to worry about. He had plans for work to make a trip to her town on Tuesday, but won't be going now. I thanked him for not going and although it was a minor exchange, he understood why I was thanking him.

I'm the one that had the A. Why would he be hiding things from me now?

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If any of this has taught me anything, it's to trust your gut. If you feel like something is wrong, then check it out. An argument now could save you years of pain later. I doubted my gut and allowed DH to gaslight me for four years. Now we have to recover that. I knew all along that something "felt wrong."

Go with your gut. Hiding things means a secret. Ask him to share everything with you. If he refuses or says that you're too demanding, think twice about believing him.

So sorry.


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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I spoke to my H this morning about the situation. I asked him if he saw her last night (they are both members of a 12 step program). She lives a few hours from us, but was in town and called to tell him that she would be attending his regular meeting.

First I asked - When I asked you last night who was there, why didn't you tell me she was. He said, because I know it will stress you out and there's nothing to be stressed about.

Second I asked - Why did you deliberately delete everything from your mobile before you came up last night. He said because he knew that I would check and there was a call on there from her, the one telling him that she would be at the same meeting, and he didn't want it to bother me.

Third I stated (did not ask) - that keeping these things from me has caused me to be suspicious.

I told my H that I trust him completely but that I do NOT trust her. I told him she has issues with boundries and gave him the laundry list of reasons why. Stemming from saying she just needs to hear his voice, telling him about her belly dancing lessons, signing texts with xxx and standing way too close when she talks to him.

My H said that he understands where I'm coming from.He said that he wasn't thinking about it at the time, but he can definitely see that not saying something about her, not keeping her calls in the phone, is by far worse than me knowing it. He said that they do talk on occassion but that it's not regularly. He told me that I need to not worry about what's going to happen when we go back to our hometown. That he loves me, he's in this marriage with me and although I've hurt him, I'm the only one he wants to be with. He asked if I wanted him to completely cut off any contact with her. I told him that I've explained how I feel, he knows and he has to make whatever choice he thinks is best. I used what you folks have told me and I let him know that I want to protect our marriage. I told him that I know I'm the one that messed up and it should be him that's showing concern but that I want our marriage to be a happy, healthy one with no outside factors. I told him that I never want to have another conversation with someone that I wouldn't have completely out in the open with him. He told me that there are conversations that he needs to have that would not be healthy to have with me. A lot of them are irrational and would only be hurtful. But, he does not speak to the woman friend about these, he speaks to another friend of his. I was very upset during this exchange. We put the kids down for a nap and laid down together. He held me and told me how much he loves me. I told him that I'm afraid of losing him. He told me he would distance himself from her and that I have nothing to worry about.

So, for some, this may not be enough, but for me it is. I love my H and I'm choosing to trust and believe what he says. I've not got the negative feelings in my heart, or my stomach for that matter after talking with him.

Thank you all so much for continuing to listen and help support me. It means a great deal.

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ILMH,

This is just my first impression...I may be wrong, but here are my initial thoughts:

Quote
He asked if I wanted him to completely cut off any contact with her.

Before I knew MB principles, I would have said the same thing you did. But now, I would have answered "Yes, please cut off ALL contact with her and if you accidentally have contact, please call me immediately."

Quote
I told him that I never want to have another conversation with someone that I wouldn't have completely out in the open with him.

I agree completely with this.

Quote
He told me that there are conversations that he needs to have that would not be healthy to have with me. A lot of them are irrational and would only be hurtful.

Why should he be able to judge what you can and cannot handle? This is a red flag for me, but I'm the BS so I may be wrong. If my WH or DH or FWH said that to me, I would most likely say that I want us to heal and I am working on making it safe for US to talk about anything.....that I need the practice....and if it seems to hurt me and I am not handling it well, that we should get help from MC IRL or via phone with MB....is that a possibility?

Quote
But, he does not speak to the woman friend about these, he speaks to another friend of his.

I don't want to second guess your judgement, ILMH,...well, on second thought, I guess I do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Take if for what it's worth....or don't! If I'm wrong, I'll be happy to be corrected.

Have you verified with this other friend that he is speaking to him. (You didn't say but it MUST be a him....right?)

When I first discovered my WH's betrayal, I nearly contacted some of my H's friends who had been betrayed without telling WH so I wouldn't hurt him. Although our MC at the time was not very helpful overall, he did say that we should NOT tell anyone who was not directly related to ending the A. So I did not....thank God.

I speak from the perspective of having endured 4 D-Days. I was flailing for any kind of help that your H might be doing now, too. And you have some signs that you can work on.

* He has demonstrated that he wants to judge what will hurt you and hide the evidence.

* He constantly tells you not to worry, that he can handle it.

* He seems to have no outlet for his pain that you are working on together.

* He is capable of independent behavior and sees nothing wrong with it. (IB is a lovebuster I seldom recognize.)

I am concerned for you, ILMH. Please do not blindly trust him after your 'talks'. Your pain of your betrayal of him may not allow you to process these signs so that you can protect your progress.

I hope I'm wrong. If so, I will be the first to admit it. If I am right, it will be a difficult setback to your recovery.

I share because I care. (Hey that rhymes!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes,

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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When you find out that he is having an affair, please do not be too proud to come back. We will be glad to help you at any time you want us to.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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Please be careful. You are the only one who can know what you feel, but my DH said those EXACT words when I caught him talking with OW after the initial two year A (that was never fully disclosed). He "didn't want to bother me because there was nothing to be worried about. He knew it would bother me so he didn't tell me." If DH knows it will bother you...it's enough for him not to do it.

I will support you through whatever happens here. I hope that he is truthful and can distance himself from her. Just be careful. He may be gaslighting you.


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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Ace - As always, I appreciate your comments and your concern. You've been an incredible help throughout this process. Behaviors that my H is exhibiting now are no different than how he's been since I've known him. I truly do not believe that he is having an A.

Neak - I'm bothered that you basically insist that he is having one and that you hope I come back when I find it to be true. What happened to innocent until proven guilty? We all know I'm guilty, but I'm not willing to punish him as if he is, without knowing it for certain.

Hicktownmommy - My H is a truthful man. I believe what he tells me. Thank you for your comments, they are always welcome.

All - My H told me last night that he will distance himself from her. That he is committed to this marriage and will take whatever steps necessary in order to protect it and help us to work through this. I told him that I want him to feel comfortable talking to me about anything, whether he thinks I can handle it or not. I told him I will not run away. That has been his biggest fear, that I won't be able to handle us working through this.

I realize that there are a handful of things, that I willingly came here to ask all your opinions on. Please understand that he is one of the most upstanding and honest people I've known in all my life. I believe my H and I trust that he's going to do the right thing. I told him that he knew my feelings and now could do as he chose with that information, knowing in my heart that he would make the right choice. I will keep everyone updated as we progress.

Thank you again.

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ILMH

This doesn't sound kosher to me. There are red flags here. I know you've said that's enough for you, but I hope you will continue to check on things. Keep your eyes open and please....never blindly trust ANYONE!

If it were me, I'd be snooping big time. And if his R with the woman continued to bother me (which it should) he should stop all contact with her. End of story.

Don't be like the majority of BSs here who believed our S when we shouldn't have.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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