Hi All, This is my story.

My WW met her OM at work a very long time ago, in fact he was one of my friends too. We used to hang out together and generally have a great time.

Two years ago in September I found some inappropriate text messages on her cell phone from OM, I thought there was something going on and so I peeked late at night. I got the "we are friends and are just joking around line" even though I was upset, I bought it. It kept going, she learned to hide it.

In October I started secretly monitoring her E-mail messages. I figured I had to have something very damning in order for her to admit something was going on so even though what I read kept upsetting me (plans for marriage, email sex) I waited until just the right moment, and I confronted her with it. She blew up at me, "I'm in love with him and not with you" this hit me like a ton of bricks, but she decided to try and make the best of our marriage and work it out. I was told as physical as it got was 'a peck on the cheek'.

This is where I went wrong (I know that now) I decided that it was biblical to forgive OM and allow her to keep in contact. At first it was tightly monitored and controlled but it got lax after I was lulled into a false sense of security. After I caught her sneaking around yet again I insisted on seeing a counselor.

She didn't like counseling and really I did all the talking, he wasn't very good at solving our problem, he just taught me to ignore my gut feelings and believe my WW.

Fast forward to February '08, I suspected something was going on when we were out with OM and OW and I was told that OW wasn't in the know about a certain activity my WW, myself and OM did the following week. (We went fencing) This started the ball rolling.

I had a day ski-trip planned on the 1st of March. WW wasn't going because she had a girls night out planned and we wouldn't be back in time. Something told me I needed to record the days audio so I did. What I found upset more then anything I have ever heard. She was having some sort of sexual relation with OM throughout the day, several times coming to climax.

She insists that 'it might sound like we are having sex but we never had vaginal intercourse' I don't believe a word she says now. I have insisted on NC with OM, but the contact they were having was through her work email which I can't monitor at this time. I went and found SAA and I read it through in one sitting.

She doesn't know what she wants to do, she's missing OM terribly and any time I talk to her about it she is in tears. She's not willing to commit to our marriage as of yet, and I have started Plan A. I'm scared that she'll leave me, she is the love of my life and I am not hers.

I am feeling very strange at this point, I feel like I should be devastated but I'm not I haven't really even cried that much. I can't get the sounds out of my head, and WW is getting more and more distant by the day,

Thanks for reading, your prayers would be welcomed whole heartedly.

Is the OM married? Are you married?

Sorry, I am a little scatter brained.

Yes, WW and I have been married for 6 years.
OM, is married and has 2 kids.

tell his wife NOW.

mlhb

You need to KNOW that every word that comes out of your wife's mouth is a lie. She has been having sex with him all along. Believe it.

You need to make a decision about what you want to do. Get over being scared she will leave you..if she does, she does. It will hurt, you will survive. You may even decide that based on what you heard that YOU don't want this anymore.

Chances are she won't leave you...and your marriage can recover. I would suggest exposing this affair immediately to the OM's wife. She has a right to know what has happened. Also, since she is using company emails and such to keep in touch...and that this affair is work related, exposure to her workplace is called for...
NO WARNINGS of your exposure are to be given. Just do it.

Read all there is to read here and call the Harley's.

I am sorry you are in pain. This will get worse before it gets better...but it will get better. DO NOT BE A DOORMAT. She will not respect you....keep that in mind.

NRO, I'm sorry that you are here and that this is happening. This sounds a lot like the situation I'm in, except that you were smart enough to dig around while it was going on and I was too stupid to find out until 4 years later.

You'll find your answers here on this site, so keep on adding information and ask questions. I'll be keeping track of this thread as the info should help both of us.

In the meantime, keep reading your Bible and praying. Take this chance to grow closer to Him and He will give you whatever you need.

Is WW a believer as well?

Did you tell his wife about the affair?

That thought has gone through my head. I am frightened for his children more than anything should I do this. OW is not a stable person and I am not certain what she would do.

I am also not certain what this would do to my wife, I am afraid if I tell OW that she'll leave OM and that will send WW into a situation where she has an 'out'.

I know I need to do this, just not certain how. Advice?

While I agree with Balin...I think you need to realize that YOU need to be agressive and take advantage of the resources beyond Scripture that are available to you. You best course of action is to expose and call the Harley's.

Sort of the "trust in God...but lock your cars doors" concept.

Yesh, she is a believer, a PK actually.

Call OMW immediately and just calmly tell her everything that you know. She may believe it or she may not, but you are doing the right thing by telling her.

WW is going to be furious because you are hurting the chances of the A continuing. If she really wants to save the marriage, she'll get over it over time and realize what she has done.

Then, call her work and let them know. Again, do NOT give her warnings - just do it. You have to be the strong one now. If she has thoughts of staying with you, she'll see this as new strength in you to fight for what you want. She needs to see that.

How that other family or your wife deal with exposing the truth is not your concern. The truth is your best friend here...your wife will be pissed...they all are...but she will get over it.

How to do it...swift, surgical strike to those that will impact the affair the most. Family, the other BS, their employers (go to the HR department and follow up with a letter)..her parents, etc.

You can only worry about your family right now. How the other mans family handles this is not your concern.

I should have been more specific on this I'm sorry. After the first time I found out I made her switch jobs. They no longer work together, just use their work Email to communicate.

My Father-In-Law works at the same company as OM. He might be able to help me there I'll ask.

work should still be notified as they are using company resources to further their affair.

NRO, please stop enabling this affair by keeping their secret. Pick up the phone NOW and call the OM's wife and tell her. When you are done, call up your FIL and tell him about the affair. ASK FOR HIS ADVICE. You need to do this NOW.

Affairs thrive on secrecy and you have harmed yourself and your marriage by keeping this secret. That is a tactical mistake that can be corrected. CALL TODAY.

ok, it's 8am here. So I wrote this to OW in email (I have her address from my wife's email)

OW,

I hope you are sitting down while you read this. You will probably want to send the kids to another room for a few minutes.

I am sorry that I haven't told you sooner, but WW and OM have been having an affair. I caught them in the act on Saturday March 1st and even though I h
ave been told that it only has happened a few times before I don't believe them. I know this must come as a shock and you are probably raging right now. I know that you are upset believe me I know how you feel.

I would ask for my sanity and yours that you not reveal how you came across this information. Just say that you know it happened and don't let him deny it.

They use Work email to communicate and I have asked Lisa never to contact him again.

This site: http://www.marriagebuilders.com has a lot of good resources to help you and your marriage heal. The people there are very helpful.

I am so sorry to be the one that tells you, and will be praying for you and your family.

BH

Good letter, but I would remove this: "I would ask for my sanity and yours that you not reveal how you came across this information. Just say that you know it happened and don't let him deny it."

Why in the world would you tell her to not tell who told her? DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE? How will you take credit for this exposure if she doesn't tell him?

My friend, you are not doing anything wrong, so please do not HIDE like a COCKROACH. The OM is the one who has a need to hide, NOT YOU. You are doing a brave and manly thing, so stand up and take full credit for it. The OM needs to know you will STAND UP for your marriage!

I would also give the OMW your CELL PHONE # and ask her to contact you so you KNOW she got the email. You can also offer to answer her questions and give her evidence.

Once you send that, I would put in a call to your FIL and tell him about the affair. Ask for his help.

You are a MAN, he is a COCKROACH. Please remember that. You do not have to EVER hide like a cockroach.

Thank you, this is so hard, I'll do that.

Yes, we know it is hard. But we also know it is HARDER to lose your marriage. Interfering in her affair is the most likely thing to save your marriage. You CAN do this and we will help you through it.

This is the same as snatching the crack pipe from the crack head. He will be furious when you do it, but it is the only thing that restore him to sobriety. Your marriage can survive her anger, it can't survive an ongoing crack addiction.

Your W will be shocked and angry that you interfered with her affair. But that is ok. Her anger will die down. So, just brace yourself for it and come here and we will talk you through it.