I don't have her number, I know her email and where she lives I could go over but I don't want to interrupt anything. If I haven't heard by the end of tomorrow I will pay a visit on Monday.

WW found MB.com all on her own today. (We have separate computers) and was reading the articles on infidelity. She hasn't come to the forums as of yet.

Well, she will get good information from the site, but it will limit how much help you will get, because she could be reading your posts.

She hasn't it the forums yet, and I don't think she will. I am hoping she'll pick up the copy of SAA I have on the coffee table.. /pray

Oh, and I do Network Security for a living so I'll be able to tell if she's trolling the forums for info.. ;-)

Update:

Never heard from OMW yesterday. It's now 4am.

WW had a breakdown last night. She doesn't know what she wants, and is talking separation. Says Divorce is an option which is nothing like herself. Was talking about OM, and how she can't make up her mind to commit to fixing our marriage and can't bear not to be with OM. If he divorces she will run, which has got me scared to death.

She outright said she doesn't want to destroy the lives of OM's 2 daughters. It's sad that she already has.

If she leaves does that mean I am in 'Plan B'? Where do I go? I feel so lost.

you need to go and see other man's wife.

ow's husband never came and told me anything until almost a year later. if he had told me sooner i could have done something to help end it.

now my ex lives with that same ow.

tell her today

mlhb

NRO, call the OMW today and tell her. Afterwards call your MIL and FIL and tell them. The affair is on the ropes and you can help kick it down the stairs.

I would suggest calling the OM's house and disguising your # with *67 so he cant see the caller ID. If the OMW answers, tell her about the affair and tell her to check her email.

NRO,

No, if she leaves, you are STILL in Plan A. Plan A is easier if the couple is still living together but possible even if they are separated. Read, read, read on Plan A and ask questions!

If you have the name and address on the OMW, you should be able to also get a phone number using one of the many internet searches. Have you tried that?

I have the name and address, but they (like us) only have Cell Phones which are generally not listed in those search engines. I have additional resources available to me at work that I can use but at this point I am going to go to OMW's and see if she is home.

If OM's car is there I won't knock and just wait until tomorrow.

WW told me this morning that she read through chapter 6 of SAA last night. (I was so exhausted I fell asleep before her) When I asked her what she thought she said "He's really smart." I should be seeing FIL/MIL at church today.

I'll read more about Plan A. Thanks for all your support, it helps. Its so hard to keep a straight face when I am talking to WW sometimes.

NRO, if you can restrain yourself from punching him out, I would knock on the door whether he is there or not.

NotReallyOK:

I would suggest that you hold off from further exposure for a while. Massive exposure can be successful for ending an affair---but it can also be equally successful in ending your marriage.

With regards to Plan A and where your wife is right now, I would suggest that you make a call to the Harley's (888-639-1639 for appointments), and set up an appointment with them soon to help you formulate a plan. Your wife certainly sounds pretty conflicted, and if she's visited this site and realizes some of the wisdom---she'd probably be receptive to Steve Harley (or Jenn) talking with her regarding steps to make your marriage great.

It's much better if you can get her involved in talking with them, because they can do the education of your spouse (it's a lovebuster for you to take that role), they can help with no contact, and they can help with necessary exposure. Steve treats exposure as a surgical necessity (exposing in a difficult situation where it will do more help than harm to the marriage)---not as a first pass all out attack on an affair.

Even if your wife will not join you, you'll get a great deal of benefit in talking with Steve or Jenn. They'll help you get your plan together, explain the strategy to you, and make sure that you've got the support and advice that you need.

Good luck.

NRO...I would ignore that advice and continue your exposure.
Dr. H is VERY clear about the power and need for exposure on this site.
If you wish to recover your M and not live with this stuff for year after year, exposure is your best tool.

NRO, I would have to disagree with K's advice, and strongly encourage you to expose this affair. Exposure does not end marriages as he suggests, but AFFAIRS DO. Exposure is a tried and true tactic that is very effective in ending affairs or hastening their deaths.

In this case, it is highly doubtful that the OM will leave his wife and children and will not want the trouble. I also seriously doubt that her father will appreciate his EMPLOYEE carrying on an affair with his own DAUGHTER. You have a POWERFUL WEAPON in your hand against this affair.

The OM's wife and your W's FATHER have a right and a NEED to know about this affair NOW.

By keeping their secret all this time, NRO, you have ENABLED the affair. You enable the affair at your own expense.

Stick to tried and true advice from DR HARLEY and don't allow any naysayers to divert you from your path. K means well, but his advice is very inappropriate and ill-advised for your situation:

[quote]"But remember to expose your husband's affair to the light of day. Don't hide it from anyone, including your children. Transparency is like chemotherapy. Hopefully, there is someone who is talking to your husband about the tragic decisions he's making, and can influence him to change course."

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

NRO:

Actually, if you have Surviving an Affair, you can read about exposure there. There is one reference to who you must expose to---and that is, to your spouse.. You will find the same information on this site in an article and in one of the letters in the Q&A section.

What you won't find is any other advice about a 'tsunami' of exposure, nor will you find universal advice to expose to the OP's spouse, to people at work, to parents, in-laws, etc. Why won't you find that advice??? Because it's not part of the general Marriage Builder's philosophy of dealing with an affair. It never was, it never has been. If MEDC would be so kind as to cite his reference, I'd be happy to defer to the good Doctor himself.

Surgical exposure may be effectively used to end an affair---but that advice is best given by a professional who is helping you with managing your Plan A. I believe that MEDC and I agree on one thing---a call to the Harley's is most appropriate, and will be the single best decision you make in dealing with your wife's affair.

Just an FYI, the concept of exposure COMES FROM THE HARLEYS. Nowhere do they EVER suggest that one must get "counseling" with them to expose. It is not a manufactured concept of the board members:


Nor does Steve require that one call him for counseling in order to EXPOSE. Exposure does not "harm marriages." As Steve told me PERSONALLY TO MY FACE, exposure should be suggested on this forum. He stated that *IF* he is counseling personally with a couple, he may choose to speak to the wayward FIRST - and THEN encourage exposure. But if any changes, delays are made, it is at STEVE's prerogative, not ours. Since you are not in counseling, there is absolutely NO REASON to delay.

Stick with Dr. Harley's advice, NRO. He has been at this for a very long time and knows what he is doing.

p.s. Dr. Harley *IS* a "professional."

Hi Melody,

Do you have a link to Dr. Harley's quotes above? I've never been able to find that on the site. But yes, not only *is* he a professional, he's *the man* as well...

With regard to Steve, I was discussing this exact issue with him a couple weeks ago. While he has no problems with exposure to the wayward spouse, and will do exactly as you suggest (talk with the WS for a while, and then the BS)---he definitely does not endorse an all out exposure to the entire nation as a first approach.

I did care enough to call him to see if the methodology had changed since I counseled with him (10+ years ago). It really hasn't---Steve only recommends exposure to other members (friends, family, coworkers, OP's spouse) as a specific tool to end the affair, and it very much is a situational exposure.

It's that reason why I would suggest that NRO call the Harley's first. He loses nothing with a few days delay---but if his wife is near the 'break point' with the affair, he may help to push her into the arms of the OM. That's not catastrophic, but it could cause extra work...

[edited for abuse of the English language...]

No one here is advocating this. Your exposure to the OMW and OWH is NOT the entire nation.



This almost seems humourous to me. The WS already KNOWS he's having an A. WT?.....

Ok so where is the problem again?

K, I also discussed this with Steve FACE TO FACE last May, 2007 and as he explained, we should continue to recommend exposure as we have been doing on this forum. If a member is in counseling WITH HIM, *HE* may recommend a different strategy. Or he may NOT. It is HIS prerogative to change tactics. NEVER EVER has he said that one must get "professional" guidance to expose an affair.

Nor is there any reason, whatsoever, that he should DELAY exposure. Exposure to the OMW and the FIL is well advised.


And no one here is recommending "an all out exposure to the entire nation as a first approach." If you had read this thread, the recommendation is to expose to the OM's WIFE and the WW's father, which is appropriate. That is hardly "an all out exposure to the entire nation as a first approach."

Dr. Harley has NUMEROUS posts about exposure on the MB Weekend forum in addition to recommendations to do the same on his radio show. As you well know, the concept of EXPOSURE came from DR HARLEY.