So how does learning to trust again work exactly? For those of you that have been BS's, how are trust issues going in your post divorce relationships? I seem to do alright most of the time but still struggle now and again. Funny thing is that my struggles have little to do with my bf, he is really great. The struggles pop up from inside me. Like I said, I do pretty well most of the time. But I sure do wish that I could put what remains of the old anxiety to rest somehow.

How long have you been divorced? How long after your divorce did you start seeing your bf? Maybe you aren't healed from your divorce yet? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

First of all, it is normal to lose your trust in everyone when the person you trust the most betrays you. But you have to remember not everyone cheats and lies. You should use your experience from your divorce as a learning tool to look for characteristics of people that are trustworthy. Does your bf give you any reason that would lead you to believe you can't trust him???

Trust is earned over time.... don't jump into anything.

Keith

Hi Keith -

Thanks for the response! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Do you think it is all about healing from the divorce? You may be right... I've been divorced for almost 3 years.

I'm wondering if there are certain steps I should take to work through the lack of trust issues? Any suggestions are great.

I've dated a bit over the past year and a half. I waited a while after the divorce to start dating but family and friends seemed to be anxious for me to "get out there" again. I was anxious too - just a bit more cautious than them. Prior to meeting my current BF I dated very casually. By casual...I mean that I dated the same men frequently but didn't get "too involved". I was very honest from the get go that I needed time to work through some things.

I met a lot of really interesting men - but nobody that made it beyond friendship. There were a few that were quite taken with me...but I managed to keep the relationship closer to that of a friendship than a romantic.

Like I said - you may be right. It looks like you and I divorced around the same time. Was learning to trust again difficult for you after your divorce? Were there things that you did or didn't do to help that process?

Current BF hasn't really done anything to instigate my lack of trust. There has been one incident that we confronted head on and I've not felt a need to investigate or try to ease my anxiety through countless questions...etc. The lack of trust comes mostly from within myself. I just sometimes get these nagging thoughts..."I wonder if he is being honest with me...or telling me the whole story" My XWH would lie a lot through ommission.

I seem to do "OK" but nonetheless - it isn't much fun not to be able to just trust what I can see, hear or experience. I find myself becoming concerned when I'm alone and have time to think. I think it probably has much more to do with me than the BF.

Thanks so much for your response! Any advice? Did you have difficulty with trust issues? If you did...how did you move past it?

Hope you're having a great start to the week!

JEM

For what it's worth, I think some issues only come up, and therefore can only be addressed, when you are in a committed romantic relationship.

When I have trust issues or something triggers a flashback to my ex, I try to first realize that it is more about the past than the present. Then, I try to take a deep breath and relax. Finally, I assess what is really happening in the current situation. Usually, what I find is that M is not like my ex at all, and that he'll react differently.

Each time that happens, my trust deepens.

Thanks Greengables!

That makes really good sense! Your statement about how things can't necessarily be addressed outside of a new committed romatic relationship...that just makes great sense! Thank you... I know it sounds crazy but that piece of commen sense totally missed me!

And thank you for some advice on how to deal with those strong feelings of fear that pop up in me! I can see myself taking a deep breath...and I will do that. The deep breath part will help to relieve my anxiety and pull the focus back to the "here and now" rather than the "been there done that" part of my life.

I really appreciate all of the people here. I've been one of those annonymous readers for a few years now and just recently decided to get more involved. Boy am I glad that I did!

Thank YOU!

Glad you found it useful, and I'm glad you decided to post. I love J.R.R. Tolkien.

The way I see it, not trusting is really a GOOD thing. It is one of the few mechanisms which prevent us from going too fast into a relationship. It keeps our guard up some, and that's a good thing in the beginning.

I also think it's good to keep in mind that no one tells us the whole story--partly because they cannot see the whole story due to their biases, partly because a sense of self keeps us from spilling every last detail. So, what I look for are signs he's actively hiding part of his life, or discrepancies between how he portrays his life and what you see. And, I look at what was held back. Did he withhold information that I'd need to make a good, informed decision? Or was it some little diddly thing about soemthing he did in college that he's ashamed about?

I find a big part of the trust issue is trusting MYSELF. That is, trusting myself to be strong enough and aware enough to take care of myself if someone should betray me somehow.

My H is great, and I have no reason to believe he will betray me. But I can't put all of my eggs in the "he would never do that" basket. Got to diversify my coping portfolio to stay healthy and well-balanced. That includes knowing that if he did betray me, I'd be fine. Knowing that, I am relieved of any need to be hyper-uber-crazy vigilant. Just normal observant and sensitive.

Hmmm...

I do believe that I trust myself. I'm actually quite independent and capable of holding it together... But I get what you are saying... The anxiety is irrational...like a knee jerk...and when I pull my mind back to logical thought -

But, I see what you mean...and am thinking that if I combine GreenGables and your suggestions... breath deeply/focus on the present - not the past/remind myself that I trust myself... I can see this being very, very helpful!

Y'all Rock! Thank YOU so much!

Absolutely.. As I said before, if you are betrayed by the person that you trust more than anyone in the world (your X) , then how can you trust anyone??? I so vividly remembering how I could not trust anyone for a period after my X cheated on me. So yea, it is normal to go through a period.


First of all, trust yourself... Learn from what happened. Notice if your bf's words and deeds match. And most importantly, always remember, trust is earned!

At first yes.. but then I started going to a divorcecare class that really taught me how to heal. To foster friendships, to learn to be on my own, to do things that I could never do when I was married. (Like ride my bike all over the country!)

I also dated casually right after the divorce and it was a mistake - it caused more anxiety. Then 1 1/2 years after the divorce I dated seriously... another mistake as I wasn't ready. I can't believe it but I actually started drinking at night to ease the pain - another mistake. It made me more depressed.

What really has helped me is learning from entire horrible experience. Learning how to be alone. Reading books on healing, on being single, and on relationships. I have learned not only how women want to be treated by a man but how a man wants to be treated by a woman.

Also what has helped me is learning to forgive myself for the divorce and forgiving my X. Forgiving my X has been hard as she absolutely put me through he11. But I need to forgive her not for her, but for me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life angry with her... I have too much to do!

So, can you tell me if you are comfortable being single and on your own? Do you feel the need to be in a relationship?