Hi Julie,

Thanks for the input. I know plan B is supposed to protect me...but I really don't feel much when he contacts me and rambles on. I keep stating I won't even consider reconciliation until he leaves his office, that his words are meaningless since they have been all lies in the past and he can't come back until these things happen.

I am actually ENJOYING his absence which scares me a little. Maybe I don't want to reconcile? I like my freedom and the free babysitting. I have seen more of my friends, gotten back into yoga, focusing more on myself and the kids and extended family. It is almost like a plague has lifted from my home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

huh? What happened to plan B? What you are doing is encouraging his AFFAIR with this continued contact. As long as he knows you don't really mean NC and he can contact you at will, he can still get his KAG fix and continue his affair. You are enabling the affair, KAG. At your own expense.

Give me a shout out when you are serious and I will give you a hand.

Did you not give him a plan B letter and tell him what he had to do in order to re-engage with you? He already KNOWS what he has to do. He DOES NOT NEED your "encouragement." He is a big boy and knows what he has to do to come back. Stop enabling him, Kag! You are harming any chance you have at reconcilation!

thought plan B was more about my protection than anything else.... How can an arguement on the phone be a fix? Why would he even want that, why wouldn't he ride off into the sunset with OW and leave me alone?

Kag, talking on the phone isn't DARK. You're either dark or you're not...there's really no grey area with this. And since he's going back to OW, who do you think loses in this arrangement??

So you don't even know what PLAN B is, do you? I thought since you had been counseling with Steve and said you wanted to go into Plan B, that you knew what it was and WHY it was done.

Plan B is a complete and total separation with NO CONTACT AT ALL. All PERTINENT info is conducted through a designated intermediary.

To execute Plan B, a letter is necessary which leaves the best taste possible in the WS mouth when you are DARK. This is why all your fussing and fighting and lecturing with him is so devastating. It makes the OW look more attractive and makes you look LESS attractive.

Your contact with him gives him NO motivation to come back, Kag.

That is where I am confused. He is not going back to OW, he has been NC for a month on his own. I was in the dark for 3 weeks and he started making the right moves...talking to his boss about moving to a new building, talking about seeing a MC and SH. Problem is the move hasn't taken place so I am holding out for that but was concerned that I was discouraging him(he said so).

Anyhow broke down in tears today in front of kids...one day I am happy he is gone the next I am crying.

I have an appointment with SH to help me get it together <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Kag, I suspect he is not ready to come back. I am glad you are talkng to Steve, because I think he can set you in the right direction. Sorry you are having a rough day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

ML,

You were/are absolutely right and I am a gullible moron! He is back on the fence, holding off on moving office out of building, not sure....blah blah. Getting his own place, but would prefer to live at home...Yeah so he can cake eat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I was sucker punched again, you think I would learn by now.

WH doesn't believe in MB, doesn't see himself in any of this. I am like just change the names and it the same sorry story. He thinks he is different. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Still will talk SH, but I am filing for legal sep. I can't take it anymore.

ML,

What is you sitch in a nutshell. You are remarried? Never worked out with WH?

Another question/issue. I told the kids that WH moving into his own place. DS says who cares if you never talked....so my WH is filling their heads with [email]cr@p[/email] about why HE is getting his own place. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

What to do with that?

Kag, don't beat yourself up. We hear the words & we get all hopeful & start planning dinners for 4 again.

Talk is cheap. We need action. We won't settle for less. Being DARK accompanied by a great PBL makes this very clear.

My H twists the story to my kids every chance he gets too. And it is hard. But because I told them the TRUTH, early on, and my "story" hasn't changed ONE BIT, nor has my boundaries, they know the truth. They don't want to admit it all the time, heck just the other day my DS told me he's mad at me for "kicking him out" (complete shock, because early on in this (it's just 3 mos now) H maintained he CHOSE to leave - and he did!) So, yes they twist it & yes it's hard. But be strong - don't get sucked in to WH's craziness, not even via your boys.

Spoke to a lawyer today...think I got bad advice. MA is a no-fault state so doesn't matter that WH commited adultery... but she is saying only child support and not alimony?

I have not worked for 10 years, I quit my job to care for my disabled son. I lost my CPA license because I stopped working, my future ability to earn has been capacitated.

She thinks I should sit tight as long as I am in house with kids and his check continues to hit joint account....

I am getting another opinioin.

Also MA does not have legal sep... so it is divorce or nothing.

Kag, good idea to check out all your options. When is your appt with Steve? Do you have an appt set up?

KAG:

About this:


I KNEW there was a reason I hung around this thread....

Back to work for me...

LG

Talking to about 4 different lawyers to get opinions. I guess for some reason in MA getting alimony is somewhat of an art form and not all lawyers know how to do it. But bottom line I should get it along with child support. So I think financially I will be okay.

I spoke with SH today and he says sit tight in plan B for 2 weeks...see how you feel and reassess. Right now feeling too much damage done. He also felt that WH went flip-flop cuz OW probably pulled some trick like I have cancer or I am pregnant(which fortunately is not possible)...he says he sees this all the time.

My plan B seems tight so far. WH picked and dropped kids without getting out of car. All communication about kids through intermediary.

Did blow up at his parents last night though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> He was feeding them a line of [email]cr@p[/email] about he isn't sure about getting back together cuz he is afraid our relationship will be like it was before. What had we been working on for 4 months??? He just didn't want to admit he was back under the influence. I just blew a fuse <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Anyhoo, his mom calls and we patch things up. They are supposed to be coming out here in Apr to take the boys to disney. At this point his mom doesn't even want to see WH. I made it clear that while they can stay with me, WH is not welcome in my home. They were fine with it.

So I guess I will get my lawyer ready and sit and wait for the impact of his seperate expenses(hasn't hit yet) or if he pulls his paycheck from our account. Then I will have to file for D. I am strangely calm at this point. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

How many BS give up plan B and just go ahead and file for divorce?

My lawyer thinks I am crazy to let WH have visitation without a custody agreement(legal).

I really can't imagine WH wanting to come home or me getting over all the past hurt. It just seems more reasonable to get on with my life and have some closure.

Also going to Disney next week with WH parents and my kids....is that kind of weird. WH was not invited....doesn't even seem to phase him though...

I guess I will keep talking to myself....therapeutic writing so to speak.

WH living with a friend still, confirmed by my boys who stayed overnight there. Don't know what to make of it...why hasn't he got his own place or why hasn't he moved in with OW? My mind plays out all kinds of scenerios:

He is still unsure of what he wants?
Waiting for more time to pass before moving in with OW?
Working on D papers and waiting for those?

I am having such a hard time believing in plan B!

Hey Kag, I'm still here. You're still experiencing very NORMAL emotions & your questions are also NORMAL and it is OK...as long as you don't act on them. How do I know? Because I was there! I'm in Plan B, and it is ROUGH! But I can assure you shoot yourself in the foot every time you act on something, so DON'T!

Disney with the in-laws? Go for it! Weird? Nah, you're FAMILY, and your WH is missing out, OH well! As long as your relationship w/them is OK & as long as they can refrain from making the day a fun way to talk about WH...go and have fun!