Thanks Julie,

I am still in the process of interviewing lawyers to be ready. One thinks I am crazy not to have a legal custody agreement.

WH keeps depositing paychecks into joint account. I see charges for restaurants...I have to believe he is going out on 'dates' with OW even if he hasn't moved in with her. And even though my mind knows this, my heart is screaming. I can't convince my heart to shut up.

Hmmm...do you have your own bank account? Even this, the simplest tie, is driving you nuts. One of my favorites would say, it's sending you into a TIZZY.

As far as the kids, I guess I'm thinking you do what works for you. But stay dark. And don't expect any lawyer to "get" that. Or IC, so I'm learning!

I am in a tizzy...started to cry for no apparent reason(duh)

I do have my own account but I pay all the bills from our joint and all of our debts and mortgage are still in both our names. So if I left it to him to pay(he wouldn't even know where to begin) my credit would be trashed too.

That is why I keep circling back to D papers...it would divide up the financial mess and give me legal custody. MA does not have legal seperation so that isn't even an option.

He is picking kids up today and I am dreading it, even though he doesn't get out of car. Just seeing the make of his car on the road makes me ill. I think I seriously have PTSD.

Just wondering what other plan Ber's do when they don't have legal seperation as an option?

Ok how long does it take for my heart to mend? And why do I still love this jerk? If he can fall in love with someone in two months after 20 years of marriage why can't I....? I can't even imagine it.

Hey Kag, sorry I didn't catch your post again the other day. My career is really starting to get in the way! I'll try to catch up...

As for the bank accounts, go ahead & leave the joint one open if you must, but transfer money as often as you can so that you can pay the bills & leave him less opportunity to drain it. Because, as we know, that's what happened to ME! This will keep your credit from the sewer too. And keep in mind, any damage he might do will fall on your shoulders too especially if it's from the joint acct.

I know EXACTLY how you feel about seeing imposter vehicles - I ALWAYS do a double-take and I HATE it! Last night my H actually arrived early to drop off DS so he was parked out front when I drove up...I even saw...his hand sticking out of the window. Meh, whatever, I quickly got to the house & never looked back. I'm (currently) feeling very detached. Lovingly detached.

Just get busy. Busy, busy, BUSY! No time to think about his games, you're busy. So, when he picks up the boys, and says to them, "hey guys how are you? Ready to go _______? What's your mom up to?" they'll say something like, "I don't know, she was busy on the phone, laughing & carrying on when we left" or "she was doing her hair & make-up" or "she was working out again" Anything to make H go "HUH??!!? Not crying over me into a pillow!? What's this??"

I guess your only option then is to file D. Here the only difference is the end result between D & LSA. So, yea, file, get your CS/maintenance/placement orders, and then DRAG - - - YOUR - - - FEET.

And lastly, you know he is NOT in love. He is in delusion. You know that, right?

Just the other day he surprised me and got out of the car and grabbed my hand trying to say he was concerned about my mom. (who did have surgery recently). I looked at him and realized he isn't the same person. I call him 'pod-man', like invaders of the body snatchers, (if you are old enough to remember)....aliens have taken him and left this other person I don't know.

I see another attorney tomorrow....I really feel like it is over. He will be in the small percentage that doesn't come back.

Well I had a wonderful time in Disney with my kids and my inlaws. They did not bring up WH at all per my request. It wasn't as strange as I thought it would be.

Got my attorney lined up...going for full custody, child support, alimony, the house and 1/2 the retirement fund.

WH getting apt. in same town as me....yuck! He tried to break plan B by wanting to talk....I refused.

I have only been in plan B for 2 months and I am ready for closure so I am filing for D. I know this is not the MB plan but I can't wait it out....plus I believe after waiting it out for 2 years I would be in same place. Need closure to start healing.

I am very busy homeschooling my boys. My youngest has a major surgery coming up 6 hours away....that ought to keep me busy.

Ok I am talking to myself again...but everyone says journal your thoughts for therapy so here I am.

I accessed my WH's email, don't know why I torture myself, but he comments to my intermediary that he is losing touch with me by the no contact with me. Won't he just forget about me, like I am starting to forget about him? Is this really the right route?

He wanted to talk on Sunday when my inlaws were here and I refused, I think it was the right thing to do not just cuz of plan B but I don't want to get dragged into the drama again, I don't want my heart broken again.

Should I serve him or should I wait longer.....? Can I ever forgive him even if the fog lifted? I am putting out to the universe a vision of the perfect mate and I don't know who that will be.

I am getting on with my life but the interactions because of the kids, via drop off or intermediary keep me stuck!!!!

Just ranting...I can't believe some people actually have waited years, how do they not go crazy?

By TRUSTING G-d and walking in FAITH.

Without my relationship with G-d I would be dead.

...and also by getting, and staying, BUSY.

Kag, I'm right there with you and I'll assure you again this is all very NORMAL. And to give in FEELS like the right thing to do right now but I assure you it'll hurt more tomorrow. Stay strong, it's GOOD he's feeling the hurt of you standing your ground.

As for filing, that's really up to you...we cannot tell you what is best for YOU and your family. With the exception, of course, of being financially protected.

Don't talk to him. He knows exactly what needs to be done. You're doing great.

Hey Queenie,

Having hard time with that faith thing.....life seems so hard at the moment. My son will be having major surgery this year and I will have to deal with it myself.

Tortured myself again with the email...he is going out on nice little double dates with my DS 11 soccer coach and partner. Why is it when you KNOW what is going on it still hurts to see it in black and white?

I can't do this, he is soooo happy in his new life why would he bother with me?

I am more concerned about the custody thing....it is too loosey goosey right now. I need legal custody of DS 8 with special needs so I can sign all the medical waivers when he goes into surgery.

So I am waiting on him to sign our refinance papers and then I probably file for D. So since I am supposed to be waiting for him to 'wake up' what kind of message does filing for divorce send? There is no legal seperation in MA.

Forgot to mention in his emails he talks about Harley as a militant and I am crazy for following that advice etc....

Question, tomorrow I am moving his stuff out in order to move in some new furniture I ordered. I was planning on putting it in garage...do I tell him (thru intermediary of course) to pick it up OR just leave it in the garage OR burn it?

Did I mention he is getting an apt in the same town as me???? That is really unappealing!

Continuing my journaling....getting pressure from friends/family that i will have to eventually co-parent with him especially post D. I don't want to see/speak to addicted martian WH again. will this hurt my boys?

Kag

I have not posted to you before, but you and I are in similar places as it concerns our WHs. I will be filing for D in a few months because I am not interested in recovery.

I don't have children so I can't give you any advice in that arena, but I think there vets who have mananged through the scenario of not dealing with WS even if there are children.

I just wanted you to know I sympathise with your situation and hope all turns out well for you and your children. Especially your son with his upcoming surgery.

(((Kag)))

Smartie

Thanks Smartie,

Curious..how many months did you stay in plan B before deciding to go to plan D? And how long is the WH A? I went thru false recovery with WH so I KNOW how awful recovery is and I can't imagine doing that again.....yet it is still very hard to let go. Brain and heart in 2 different places. I have worked with SH for 6 months...I may call him again for some last advice on plan D. I know he thinks it is a marathon and I should wait it out but I don't think I can.

My plan is to file in a month after our refinance goes thru. Then I will move over to the D thread. In the meantime I will keep my 'journaling' in plan B land.

How does one hate and love the same person?

WH broke my solid plan B, walked into the house this morning when picking up boys. He had been good about it before....wanted to know what my son's appointment was for tomorrow. What pisses me off is that before he never asked. Why is he now the concerned father?

I am still trying to play nice nice to get him to sign my loan on the 23rd. I guess after I file I do have a legal right to call the police if he comes in the house. I will let him know that.

Kag

I did Plan A for 3 months. His affair (as far as I can tell) had been going on 6-7 months before they were busted. WH left home for two weeks (lived with some friends so he could have easier access to OW) and came back home for 6 weeks during that time, trying to convince me that he wanted to work on the M. However, I figured out pretty quickly that he was still contacting OW and was in no way trying to work on the M so I never say we went through a recovery - false or otherwise.

When WH left the second time to move in with OW, I got my attorney to draft a LSA so that he could sign it. WH refused to sign (never gave any reasons) so I had to go into Plan B without it. Fortunately, I am not financially dependent on my WH and we were pretty independent of each other in terms of credit cards, accounts so I do not have to worry about any debts he's racking up with OW. The only real issue is the home and if he wants to sell it as a part of the D settlement and get his portion of equity (which is not a lot) that's fine with me.

I chose not to recover for two reasons: 1. because I came to accept who my WH really was after the affair. Yes, people talk about the fog and I'll grant that some of that is in play while he's in his A. However, my WH had other character issues that were present during our M that magnified themselves as the years passed. His A was just another item on the spectrum of his issues with strength, character and maturity. Despite that, if he had not left for OW and been repentant of the A, I would have tried to recover the M because I took my marriage vows seriously. Do I still feel some connection to him--definitely because we were together for a total of 20 years. But I know time, no contact, and personal recovery will take care of that. Who knows, maybe this was the opening needed to allow me to move on to a better situation?

2. I cannot trust WH anymore. I will never feel safe with him again. And I refuse to live for years or the rest of my life wondering if he's lying or cheating on me again (he did a frighteningly good job at this while he was hiding his A). Life's too short. There are other wonderful men in this world to share life with that don't come with that baggage.

I will tell you the truth--at first I was in the love/hate thing you speak about. But after being in a dark Plan B (really Plan Smartie because my darkness is not about preserving love in hopes of reconciliation)for nearly 10 months with no contact, I feel more indifferent towards him as time passes.

That is my goal.

Smartie

We have been married 20 years as well and I did try to recover but he lied and cheated again. So number 2 applies as well. Also I get so upset when I think about my boys...that makes me waiver.

I have only been dark for 2 months so I guess the fluctuations between despair and rage is to be expected. I must admit I am weak enought that if he came back on his knees and did all the things he was supposed to have done in recovery...I would try again for my boys. BUT I don't see that happening.

I think sht is going to hit the fan when I file, all of our assets and debts are commingled. I need child support and alimony(quit my job to save my son) so he is going to be broke. I have parents that are able and willing to help me out so I will come ok finanically....but I am the one to suffer the trauma multiple times inflicted by him.