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#2034562 03/27/08 07:50 PM
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I am a FWW. I have a wonderful man as my husband that has been put through more pain in the past few years than any one person should have to deal with in a lifetime. I care for him. I want him to be happy and to have a wonderful life.

I told him that I don't want to be married. I just don't. I felt that way before the affair and still do. We are in MC. I'm participating. I see all the wonderful changes that he has made. He does so many nice things to try to make me happy. It just kills me because I still feel like I don't want to be married.

I have told him this. I am continuing to be selfish and I want him in my life as a friend. I just don't know if that is possible.

I was wondering if anyone else has been in this situation?

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Originally Posted by margiethomas
I am continuing to be selfish and I want him in my life as a friend. I just don't know if that is possible.

Welcome back to MB Margie.

Do you have any plans to stop being selfish?

What exactly did you do to earn the "F" you have claimed? Ending the affair doesn't get you that ticket.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I am trying to not be selfish and keep taking from my H without letting him know how I feel. I think it would be worse to allow him to keep working so hard for an outcome that I dont feel like I want to have.


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When did your affair end?

Did you start NC no contact, when?

Are you maintaining NC with OM?

Feelings for OM can not be lost if you are still seeing OM.
Those same OM feelings will not let you develop feelings for your BH.

Are you still working with OM, is he your neighbor? Any contact will prevent recovery. You need to move, get a new job.

Has it been 6 months for you to get out of the fog. Have you allowed 2 years for recovery?

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Welcome back,

I read your posts from 2005 forward and some of your husbands.

You sound the same now as then!

I'm sad for you, 18+ years of marriage and for the last 5 you decide you are not happy, have an affair and now just want to be friends with this poor man.

FWIW - I think a bit more information from you about what YOU have done to restore your marriage for the past 2.5 years should be forthcoming, before you solicit more advice.






Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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FWIW - I think a bit more information from you about what YOU have done to restore your marriage for the past 2.5 years should be forthcoming, before you solicit more advice.

Yep, you know what they say....feelings follow actions.


Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.



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margie,

I'm not super good at encouraging people to end a marriage, but when someone is married to a really fine person, and they've hurt them for many years....I'll make an exception. If you are unwilling to put aside your admitted selfishness and the only message you can ever give your husband is that he isn't good enough....please do considered leaving him while he has time to find a partner who really loves him.

I see WSs all the time who say "I want to do the noble thing, and take him out of his misery, he deserves better."

Here's the translation: It's easier for me to leave if I can rationalize it and make it seem like a "good" thing. I want the freedom to date other men.

However, if you can't be generous within your marriage....at least be generous in divorce. If you have children....leave them with him. Do not expect him to leave the home or sell the home or give up his kids. Do not ask for spousal support. If you don't have a job, find one.

The marriage you're offering is like a slow death. Personally, I'm inclined to believe you've got some attachment to someone else and that's why you can't ever envision loving your husband as you should. Or maybe you just fantasize about a more passionate romance.

Something is getting in the way.

Your marital boundaries are probably not very good, because it's hard to be selfish and maintain boundaries. There are men in your life that you're allowing to fill needs and you're not giving your husband the honest feedback he needs to make decisions and changes. If you won't....then be generous in your departure.

I'm sorry you feel lost. I wish that I could help you turn things around, but until you're transparently honest, you'll be stuck. You asked if anyone felt this way. Well, everyone does....and that's the truth. All marriages go through times when it's just seems like a sibling/friend thing....but then you go through times where it heats up too. Life is cyclical, so is marriage. If you give up when it's bad, you lose all the potential for the good....and you usually regret it. But right now....you're focussed on what you might MISS. You can't find passion if you're not living right NOW.

Last edited by star*fish; 03/28/08 01:37 PM.
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Something is getting in the way.

My sentiments, exactly. The grass is always greener.

Quote
"Dating (when you are single, as opposed to married) is a drag." believer

Believer's assessment really says alot about the mind of a wayward. They want the easy road. There is NO easy road.


Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Thank you for your reply. I am sure from earlier post that I sounded insincere and still in a "fog". Probably because I was. I have not had contact with OM for many months. I've worked through the issues that come from ending the A. I now see the A for what it was-a mistake with someone the obviously did not care for me because he was willing to establish a relationship with a married woman.

I don't have a longing for that "relationship". In fact, I don’t' feel a need for an intimate relationship at all. When I say intimate, I mean close, sharing relationship. And I know that my H wants and needs that type of a relationship.

Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t. Is it fair to keep dragging him along while I decide?


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Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t. Is it fair to keep dragging him along while I decide?

Ok, are you just sitting thinking and waiting to decide?

What are you DOING to bring back your love for your H??

Are you following the MB concepts???

ACTION! You cannot just sit and wait for "feelings" to return - it doesn't work that way....

Most WW's really have to work at bringing around the love that they feel is lost. If your H is really willing to forgive and improve your M, then he must want to do what is needed to be done....

Question is.....do YOU?


Me (RBW) 6w5 DFW (RWH) 3w2 Established 1/93 Rebuilding since 9/03
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Originally Posted by margiethomas
I now see the A for what it was-a mistake with someone the obviously did not care for me because he was willing to establish a relationship with a married woman.

So the A was OM's fault? See right here, you need to establish ownership of your responsibility for this mess. Whether you D or recover your M, until you can honestly and wholeheartedly accept this, you are just going to repeat the same mistakes.

Also, you say you want to be a friend to your BH. How can you? You have lied to him, cheated on him and stolen what, 18 years of his life? What kind of friend is that? I know some BS's seem to establish "friendships" with their xWS's, and though I admire that to some extent, I also don't believe it to be a true friendship either. In the early weeks and months following D-day, I desperately wanted to remain at least friends with WSTBXH. I figured this consolation "prize" would be better than nothing. But a little distance from him via modified Plan B and I can see this clearly now. Nothing could hurt me more now than having him for a friend. Why would you do this to your BH? Haven't you done enough?

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I have taken a leave from my job and we are in MC. I'm participating in the MC and working on the exercises that have been suggested. I'm trying to meet my H's EN although I sometime struggle with some of them.


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MT,

Please understand that we are all glad you are here posting again. Many, including myself, would love to share and offer encouragement and help. But it is extremely difficult without more information from you. It's to much of a guessing game....

So far we know you feel withdrawn from H, You are in counseling and your attempting to meet his EN's.

A little more information from you would be helpful!

Exactly how long did the A or A's last? Were they EA's or PA's?
When was last contact with OM? How many times was no contact broken?
What counseling have you both done? For how long? When did it start, and how often?
What exercises are you refering to from counseling?
Have you both done EN questionnaire?
Have you done LB questionnaire?
Have you done recreational companionship questionnaire?
Is he trying to meet your EN's?
Etc.

Some of this info would be helpful......there's an awful big gap of 2.5 yrs of info missing here.







Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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The A lasted for more than 2 years and no contact was broken twice. I made the mistake of thinking that occasional, friendly contact would be acceptable. I know now that any contact is NOT an option.

Last contact was almost a year ago. Since then, I have been in IC before I moved back home and 2 months ago we started MC.

Previously, we have filled out the the MB questionnaires. We are working in MC on addressing the reasons for the A, understanding how our lack of communication caused us to grow apart and learning how to improve communications and meet each others needs.

My H is working on meeting my EN-we are both working on that. He is better than I on that, however, I'm getting better about it. I don't like sharing my feelings and thoughts. It makes me very uncomfortable. That is a big issue for us. I don't feel a need for romance. That wasn't the reason for the A. Looking back the A was just a change from my unhappy life that ended up making me more unhappy. It became one more hassel, but I didn't want to make my H or the OM unhappy so I continued to try to balance both. Big mistake.

My normal reaction to personal problems is to run away or ignore them. I'm trying hard not to do that. Also, I don't want to cause any more pain for my H. At the same time, I still don't feel like I want to be married. I respect my H and know he is a strong person that deserves to be happy. I have read many posts of WS that say the same thing. I'm just not sure when to stay and when to move on.


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How can one have/feel intimacy with another if they don't share their feelings and thoughts?


ME BH 40 - FWW 39

Sons - 9 and 7

DDAY - March 18,2006

Married 10 years

Recovering
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Did you share your thoughts and feelings with xOM?


BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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No, I didn't share deep thoughts and feelings with xOM. For the most part, I just said what I thought he wanted to hear. Which is pretty much how I handled my H for many years of our marriage. I'd do or say whatever I had to so that he was happy or at least I thought he was happy. It is an exhausting way to be, but I can't seem to break out of that. I just don't want to do it any more.




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Margie -

Have you considered taking anti-depressants? You sound very depressed. It would be a shame to make any decisions feeling the way you do. You deserve some happiness and a good life, not just coasting along saying what you think will make others happy.

I had a bout of depression where even the thought of winning the lottery didn't make me happy. There just didn't seem to be any hope for a better life.

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I do not know when or how long your affair was. When was Dday. Or the last Dday. If you answered all of your husband's questions.

You registerd here in 05. Forty posts is not alot. I hope that you know that only moving home two months ago this is when your recovery has started.

It takes two years to recover on average. How could your BH have the opportunity to reconnect with you if you were not living home?

A husband and wife need to spend fifteen hours of alone quality time each week.

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Perhaps you are right, but then I have been that way for most of my life. Even as a child.

I'm going to start IC again soon. We will see.


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