Hey lady! Checking in here to see how things are going for you.

Still waiting for PWC to vacate the house. It's very strange, this thing, this separation business. It's so wrong on so many levels, and I know there is nothing I can do or say, at this point, to change how PWC FEELS. He leads by his feelings, totally and completely. That seems to be part of the reason that my efforts have failed. No matter WHAT I did, he didn't FEEL good, so he didn't join in.

At a certain point, you have to give yourself to the process, no matter how much it doesn't FEEL good. He never did; he just waited for the feelings to come.

I was really angry with him last week, so I let it all hang out. I told him that I thought his decision to move back in but NOT make any efforts was cruel. I told him that he has hurt me deeply, and for that, I am sad . I told him that THIS (the separation/divorce) is STILL not what I want, but I realize that we are getting nowhere and have given up trying. I told him that I was angry that he has lied to me again and again, and that I have no trust for him.

It's really hard to look at this man, who LOOKS an awful lot like the man I used to love, but he's heavier, and his eyes are darker, and feels like there is a huge ice wall around him. I wish he would just leave.

I know he's staying until the end of the month; I honestly feel like I'm living with a stranger; like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Weird situation.

I can't force him to leave, and honestly, I don't think his friends or family will have him, at this point. I believe he's exhausted all the fuel in their welcome wagons over the last three years. Ugh!!!!

*I* am doing well. I've been feeling pretty good, some pain in the neck, that is to be expected. Spring is here--so I'm excited about the new season! I've been cooking a lot, and generally, pretty contented. I look forward to getting out in the garden, soon.

That is alot going on for you, BUT you sound like you are doing the best that can be done give the present situation. You have such an admirable strength!

I'm glad you are finding pleasant pasttimes...not that I would consider cooking pleasant! now gardening that's another issue. What a great way to feel alive and relaxed. Nothing like puttering around in the soil!

Take care my friend. (((SL)))

I'm glad you did this. Why not? I betcha it FELT GOOD!

I can't wait to get out there in the garden, too.

There's just something about watching those flowers grow.

It felt good to be honest about how I felt DUPED, and how that was my fault, my problem, but his failure was not being honest with me, ever, at all, thru this entire process. He has been harboring resentment, and I STILL have no idea regarding WHAT?!

At this point, does it really matter? It is up to him to be honest, not for me to try and rack my brain to figure it all out. You see, he can hold it against me, as long as he keeps it to himself, I can't make up for it, I can't make it right, whatever it is. I can't even apologize properly for whatever it is, because I have no earthly idea. I've decided that this is not a matter for me to work on. I only have the power to change myself and to right my own wrongs. I have apologized, in a general sense, for WHATEVER it is that has him so angry. That's all I can do.

I'm over it, to be honest. The person I am faced with is really not someone I can tolerate for long periods of time. It really is all about him, and how this all affects him, and how the affairs affected him, and how he isn't happy, and how he will be financially strapped (as I will), about missing his son and THAT's really why he came home. This whole thing has NEVER been about recovery, about making amends, about love.

It's a shame that we two can't work it out. A d@mn shame. What's a girl to do but to march on...

SL,

Just wanted to pop in to say hello. I am still just so sorry you are having to go through this ordeal.

No words of wisdom just a "drive by" to let you know i am thinking about you and your son and praying for you.

I hope you had a nice Easter

Well Hello there SC! Nice of you to drop by!

I had a hoot of an Easter! I dyed eggs with DS Saturday afternoon, which is nice. He hasn't been feeling well, so he's all snuggly, wanting comfort. He's almost six years old, so I am soaking it up while it lasts.

Sunday, did the Easter Egg hunt. HE loved it! Had a blast looking around the yard for them. It was so fun to watch him; reminded me of how I felt on Easter, with my mom. I felt happy.

It's such a joy to watch him growing up, to listen to his laughter, etc and so on.

Silent:

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you.

Sorry the PWC really has chunks in his drawers.

((((Silent))))

LG

Hi SL,

Just dropped by to say that I'm sooo cheering you on girl. You rock. I know that you will be fine and will be the one in all of this who makes the greatest recovery of all.

Hang in there!

Echoing something that stood out on Foxy's thread.

Yesterday I was in with my IC, giving her an update on the previous two weeks (nothing earth-shattering--just the usual stuff. I'll put together an update if I ever find my thread again), and about two-thirds of the way through she looks at me and says "So how are you holding it together through all of this?"

I looked at her and said "Is there another choice?"

I'm sorry for where you are, SL, but I support what you're doing, how hard you've fought, everything you've done. You already know this, but things will get better.

I didn't realize that LG and Chai had responded, along with you Guy, so I'd like to say thanks to all for the continued support, 2x4 and so on.

Mr. Smiley,

I sure hope things don't get worse, at this point, but I suppose anything is possible. I'm much better at just living today, not focusing on what hasn't happened yet.

I'm not really sorry for where I am. I have learned a great deal thru these last three years. I KNOW that I will be okay. I KNOW that I have internal challenges to deal with over this whole sitch, and that I can deal with them, either with the tools I have or others that I will gain, when the time comes.

I sure as h3ll wish things could be different, that the man before me was the man I THOUGHT he was. Maybe he's always been this man, and I have been blind. It's all about acceptance now.

"It's all about acceptance now. "
_________________________

EXACTLY....

SL,

Just popping in to say Hi! I am really impressed with your continued strength. I know it's not easy, yet you are doing it so well.

You have made your stand. You know what you will and will not accept in your life. It is sad that he won't stand with you for your M. You have done everything within your power to make it work for you both, but we all know that it takes 2.

You deserve more & I am oh so proud of your taking the steps forward to find that MORE for you and DS.

As Mimi says, Keep the Goddess chin up and chest out! You are FABULOUS!!

Bugsyyyy, Baby, nice to read you!

I read your thread earlier, but had nothing to offer that others hadn't; I suppose just stopping by with supportive encouragement should suffice, as it certainly does here.

I think the difference between a year ago and now is that I was at least given the chance to do all *I* could and to get to a point of acceptance. I'm sure, after the separation starts, I will "if only" some, but I really have no strong regrets. I just couldn't accept that PWC had changed so much. Maybe it is still fog, maybe it is who he is, but whatever it is, I accept what it is today-FINALLY.

I'll get back to you on how I handle acceptance tomorrow

SL -
Sometimes I think on of the biggest problems that a WS has, is an inability to work for something, and a penchant for taking the easy way out.

I still believe my ex and I had a fairly good marriage. But rather than work on making it better, he took the easy way out and just switched partners.

Then (after 3 and a half years) THAT ended, and it seemed easier to just try to get back with me. Dating (when you are single, as opposed to married) is a drag.

I don't think they even make these huge messes on purpose. They are just looking for the easy road.

Hugs to you. Life will get wonderful again.

That makes a lot of sense Believer. Thanks for posting that. I've often wondered if I was the EASY way. Blech! I suppose he knew I loved him; probably thought it was easier.

I can't seem to make heads or tails of it right now, because I don't have PWC's input, so I'm trying not to obsess on the subject of WHY. I will continue to think about it, on and off, I'm sure. It's the nature of my mind to see a subject and become analytical about it. It's like dissection of the situation. So many parts, so many structures, so much to consider.

One day at a time.

I watched the movie "Little Children" (centered around a housewife and SAHD having an affair) last night. I was fine, all the way up until the very last scene, and then the tears just came. I miss the man I met those years ago. I know I must mourn that loss, AGAIN.

I heard PWC coughing in the living room (he's ill and he's sleeping on the couch until he moves out--very weird sitch, ladies and gents, lemme tell ya), the sound of his cough made me happy, for a split second, like "he's here", and I felt this urge to comfort him, take care of him, then reality hit and I cried some more. So sad. So strange to be a stranger with your H.

It will be better, for me, when he's gone. For my DS, not so much. It's a tradeoff, I suppose. I will be better able to deal with what my son will go thru, and to place much of my time and attention on him. I've already started telling him that he is allowed to be angry and can tell me when he is (when I recognize him getting angry); I will listen. I have told him he's allowed to cry, it's natural and normal, when you feel pain.

Next thing is helping him to find safe ways to express his anger. Before, he would lash out, at friends, and me. He's such a lovey little guy, it's hard to watch.

(((((((SL)))))))) That's all i can say. I sure hope PWC leaves soon!!!!

Hey, SC, just you stopping by helps. Thank you.

I live in a world where, 'this too shall pass' is my mantra. There may be dark days, but the sun always follows. I'm okay with that. I know I can do this. I don't WANNA (picture a brooding child, bottom lip protruding, arms folded, looking up only from the eyes), but I can.

Why do you have the need/desire to FORGIVE your H?

I don't understand that.

Of course, I acknowledge that I can't help but live my life according to a Christian perspective.