Bad mood is OK dear. It's when you get into that down mood that I worry. When your in a bad mood you start to sound like Sugar Ray Not , and that's ok.

LOL... ok so it took me awhile... 2 days to get the whole "Sugar Ray" jokes... HAHAA Not! You gonna change your name? ;-P

The day was loooong. WH texted asking where something was... and then texted later about DD14. He's SO blind right now, and it's sad. He thinks he's got the kids respect and he doesn't! What a shame.

Anyway picked up a LARGE novel from the library... so I've got to focus on that... and get my mind off of him. I think that he is an unhealthy obsession on my mind... If I'm busy working I can focus on that and he isn't around much, but the rest of the time he is definately taking up space in my head. That I don't understand!

Decided I should post, dig myself up off page 2 before NOT comes hollerin' at me! ;-) (((NOT)))

Well it's about time...

don't worry about Not2.... It's me you have to worry about...

And if you want a good laugh go to my thread ... then the feminine isle thread...

Don't ask... just go....LOL

Did you read MIMI's posts to you? I see you did not respond.

You know, she is right on.

Listen up girl. Mimi knows what she is about, and I suggest you really pay attention to what she has to say.

I am sorry that settling for crumbs is okay for you.

Not for me, I went plan B after 2 months of plan A. I don't share.

Best wishes for you, I hope you stop enabling the cake eating sooooon.

You have done a great plan A, and I hope you don't keep doing this until your love is gone for your WS. You know, that is what Plan B is about, preserving your love and not letting your WS get his fix. It is so obvious that ow is not meeting all WS's needs, or he wouldn't be the cake eating king.

Why are you letting your WS have his cake and eat it too?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps. and by the way, plan B worked, BIG TIME, for me, it took all of 3 days for my H to come around and stop the A. You see, I had done a great plan A, and ow was NASTY. LOL

Yikes... how rude of me not to acknowledge her post to me! Thanks for asking about her post to me Miss M I just went back and re-read it for about the 10th time!

My problem is, as I've said before and as others have pointed out, I'm scared! Will add more, while responding to Mimi's post.

Mimi, you've been such a cheerleader, coach, teacher! Thank you. I'm sorry I didn't respond to the last post of yours. I could blame it on the boards being down, but that wouldn't be a good enough excuse, because I've re-read that same post a few times since the boards have been back up.

I'm scared! of losing him completely, but I can see that doesn't have to happen. Either Plan B works, I become a stronger person and he decides to end the affair, or Plan B works and I become a stronger person and he makes a real commitment to warthog. And if he does and we do D, then Plan B ends and we communicate as parents of our kids and nothing more.

I'll have a zillion questions I'm sure regarding Plan B, and I best not procrastinate any longer! I don't have a clue who we would use as an intermediary (sp?) And what all has to be done "legally" before one hands over the PBL? I mean do I have him take his name off the house? Do I ask him to get the rest of his belongings out of the house? I would rather him feel comfortable enough seeing the kids here, with me at work or out somewhere rather than him taking the kids to the pigpen! I sooo hope this doesn't make the kids feel like they're in the middle of this... now that they all have cell phones and texting is the way they communicate with dad I can see him asking them to tell me this or that etc...

Ok, gotta get to work. But I'll do some more thinking on this.

OH Mimi, what did you FAKE when it came to Dobsons "love must be tough"? I really have enjoyed that book and keep reading pieces and parts of it, maybe I've missed something.

********************edit************

(((Serenity))))

What are you doing on pg. 2 again???

You worry way too much about Plan B. I mean it is good to be prepared but it will all work out. I think in YOUR situation, you may not need an interm. Same goes for worrying about the kids and their R with their dad. You said it yourself, they have cells, they all know how to use them. And you kids are WAY old enough not to worry when they will see him. And NO he should not have any access to your house. He can take the kids out, which would probably be better anyway. Don't worry about him taking them to the "house of straw". They probably won't go and even if they do, it would be such a bad scene that it wouldn't happen again. And don't let him put your kids in the middle. You can tell the first couple of times not to tell you and they can tell him no, we are not in the middle of this.

now, for everything else, I don't know. His stuff??? I wonder the same thing, but then I think I will leave it all and let him worry about it. If he wants it he can set it up to get it. Not making this easy for him. He didn't for me.

Anyway, done any scrapbooking lately??? How's the book coming??
I am reading "Remember Me?" by Sophie Kinsella. She did the "Confessions of a Shop-a-holic" series. I love her stuff. It is PURELY fluff fiction. Very light-hearted, just what the Dr. ordered right now...

Anyway, gotta go pick up the kiddies....

(((Serenity)))

not2fun

FEAR of losing my H completely is WHY I finally went into PLAN B. The longer I stayed in PLAN A, the longer I enabled the affair by making it COMFORTABLE for him, the MORE he fell in love with HER!

And plus, sad to say, YOU DON'T HAVE HIM! You HAVE LOST HIM if you don't have ALL of HIM..is the way I look at it..is the way I looked at it...

Well I am in the process of reading Love must Be Tough for the second time. And I'm reading World Without End by Ken Follett for something fun. Haven't done any other fun things lately, probably go shoppin' by myself tomorrow, tha will be peaceful.

Is there something I can say to WH that doesn't come out as a DJ or other LB when it comes to me not wanting the kids around the warthog or her kids??

It is NOT a DJ to say that you do not want her around your kids. Understanding this SHOULD come from LOVE MUST BE TOUGH.

He has got to RESPECT you in order to LOVE you.

This may sound harsh. I don't mean it that way.

It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to take care of your children.

If you do not STAND UP and PROTECT them, WHO WILL.

IMO, this would not be negotiable. It would be a matter of fact.

Your WH is not divorced from you. He is LIVING IN SIN.

I wouldn't for one minute ALLOW my CHILDREN to be around such EVIL.

STAND TALL, SERENITY. This is not something to be asking anyone about.

CALMLY yet ASSERTIVELY tell him that YOU WILL NOT ALLOW YOUR CHILDREN TO BE IN HER PRESENCE...PERIOD..END OF STORY...

IMO, it would be EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE for him to do it and ABUSIVE for you to even think of allowing it to happen..especially at their IMPRRESSIONABLE AGES..

Serenity:

You are MISSING the POINT of an ESSENTIAL FEATURE of PLAN A...gaining your WH's RESPECT...

If you want to recover your marriage, I think you have got to get this...

You want him to VALUE you, to feel like he is LOSING a JEWEL..which, of course, you are...

You asked me what I FAKED out of LOVE MUST BE TOUGH..

Somewhere from that book, I came up with MY SPEECH to him about how I was "letting him go"..that I didn't want him anymore until he wanted me. He was all prepared for me to PROTEST his request for a SEPARATION/DIVORCE. My heart was breaking inside but I was able to keep it all together, believing Dodson's insistence that he had not seen marriages recover when the spouse did not take the TOUGH approach..

That was a MAJOR turning point for me to realize that...

Even now, my H loves, loves, loves for me to be TOUGH with him..

He hates it when I am WHINY...

Tough meaning, telling him like it is..me being STRONG and CAPABLE...

HEAD UP, CHEST OUT..I never told anybody here that I got that from him..he's always reminding me about MY POSTURE...YUCK..

Thanks mimi, I am working on the respecting myself so he will. I know whiny, drupin' head and shoulders is unattractive and undesirable.

I was not thinkin of letting them have anything to do with her. WH and I were having a convo earlier he said he wasn't going to give them a choice about spending time with him tomorrow afternoon. They'd rather sit glued to the tv, computer, video games. He was going to put them in the car and go. I said that might freak them out, He said I'm not kidnapping them. I said no, but they might think you're taking them to meet her. I said I don't want them being around her. He said he would give everyone fair warning before doing that. He really has me confused, I should stop trying to get in his head... I know if I were "in love" with someone and living with them I would have wanted my kids to be part of that new life... It has me thinking he knows she isn't good enough for our kids ;-)

Anyway, more praying for him to realize he's messed up and CAN come home.

You can't compare THEIR RELATIONSHIP to a NORMAL RELATIONSHIP.

They are having AN AFFAIR.

He is MARRIED and having an OUTSIDE RELATIONSHIP which makes her more like a HO...

You're buying into his "I'm in love" with her crap...

It's a DYSFUNCTIONAL kind of love..AN ADDICTION...

Oh No, no, I don't believe he's in love. He might have thought so when he first left us. But I knew better. And I know better now! He's in a mess and I think he's finally realizing that. He's no happier than he was when he first left.

Well, doing lots of house cleaning today. Hopefully I can spend a good chunk of time reading Love Must Be Tough. Can't keep sittin' still, I know that!!!

*******************edit*******************

Dear Serenity--

Don't stress too hard over Plan A/Plan B. Please remember that there is no guaranteed "one plan" to marriage recovery. While the MB principles are here as guidelines to help you recover your marriage, they are not fool-proof.

You know yourself, your H, and your M history better than any strangers on this board. If you feel in your gut that it is not time to Plan B, then I say, "go with your gut." Only you will know when you TRULY have had enough of this treatment from your H-- only then will it be time to move to PLAN B.

Besides, who really cares what other poster's opinions are of you on this board-- or even what your H's opinion is of you at this very moment (because you continue to to allow your H to be a "cake-eater"). So what?-- you certainly aren't the first BS to allow it, and likely won't be the last. Honestly, if you feel GOOD about who you ARE and what you ARE doing... if you haven't lost your OWN SELF RESPECT, than hooey with what everyone else says/thinks about you. HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH, girl!

I mean, seriously-- don't we already know that as a BS we've LOST our WS's respect (??). If they cared enough about us (enough to respect us and NOT be in an A), would we even be having this discussion?

And, forgive me for not having all the details, but isn't your H already moved out and living with OW? IMHO, he's already "on his way out" and somewhat PLAN B-ing YOU (in his own way).

If he's starting to see the OW's "true colors", if you get the feeling that's he's frustrated by his current living arrangements, MAKE IT EASIER FOR HIM TO COME BACK TO YOU (not harder by implementing PLAN B).

When was the last time that you had a heart-2-heart with him (and NOT a heated argument where you ended up pleading w/him to come home)? Can you somehow eloquently let him know that you can/will make a life without him if you have to, but that you believe your life will be fuller/richer if he chooses to work on the M with you? Can you tell him that you are open to having him home, on working TOGETHER to be a team? Can you invite him home with the promise that you'll help him remember a time when you both were in love with each other?

Be confident... not pleading. Act if you must, play a role if it helps you get through this... be who you NEED to be in order to get what you WANT. Never forget that at this point in time he's still YOUR HUSBAND-- now go out and get him!

All's fair in love and war! Peace, -marie

We've never had heated arguments. Just about two weeks ago I gave him a letter that had me in tears as I was writing it. I told him how I felt about him, and what he'd need to do to come home. It was definately a heart 2 heart. He had tears in his eyes when he was finished reading it. I know many of you will say/think that it was fake. I know I touched a part of him that he's been trying to keep hidden.

He never wants to put the kids and I through what he's put us through twice now. Ok three times for me, kids don't remember the first. I say, it's not up to him ;-)

Yes I have a slight issue of low self esteem. Been working on it. No I'm not pathetic, Yes I can make it without him and he knows that. But in my soul I know we're meant to work this out.

I'm not sitting around pining for him. Yes, I'm still thinking about him most of the day. But, I have a peaceful feeling and I am for the most part happy. I'm truly blessed with my kids, cats, house, job, health... OH and my sister is moving (army) to my state!!! woo hoo!!!! Talk about a miracle that wasn't even asked for!!

ps thanks for the links

If you feel you reached him a few weeks ago, then I say KEEP DOING MORE OF WHAT YOU THINK WORKS!... keep reaching out to him. Here's hoping he reaches back out to you.

Best of luck, -marie

Hi SS,

Just wanted to give you some ecouragment and tell you that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Don't get discouraged! Keep moving forward... You are in the right place to save your marriage. Believe!

Have you streached, changed and grown since comming here? YES... Keep it up... Don't stagnate... In spite of all this drama that your husband is putting you through...You will be a stronger, more attractive and better person when it's over. You will be OK... just keep chuggin on...OWN IT...BELIEVE IT...