My name is Rob, and I have single-handedly destroyed two lives.

I'm sharing my story for two reasons. First, I must take responsibility for my actions and own up to the terrible things I've done. Second, I have the sincere hope that by sharing my story, I might spare somebody else the same pain that I have caused and the pain that I myself feel. If by reading this even one person can be spared the pain that I have caused, it will have been worth it. Please take the time to read it. Please spare for me just ten minutes of your life so that the loss of my good life won't be completely in vain.

Seven years ago, I met an amazing woman. She was more than I could have ever hoped for, and certainly more than I now deserve. She had a radiant smile that could make the worst of times seem good, and a caring demeanor that could disarm even the most angry of people. She taught me how to care, she taught me how to be kind to others. She gave me independence even through our relationship, and taught me how to love. Shortly after we met we were engaged, and shortly after that we were married. She has been my rock when times were hard, and a soft and loving companion always. A man could not wish for a more supportive and loving partner as I've had in my wife. Our life hasn't always been easy, and we've had our ups and downs, but when push has come to shove, she has always stood by my side. As you will see, I've not always been as steadfast a companion to her.

What follows is a cautionary tale for anybody in a relationship. I beg of you to read this and think long and hard about it. Especially if you find yourself in a situation at all similar to the one I will describe. There were several points at which I might have been able to salvage my marriage, and I have erred at every turn. Please, learn from my mistakes and save your loved ones the pain that I have caused.

It begins innocently enough, you meet somebody in an online forum. Idle chat. Nothing special, nothing dangerous. Everybody is having a good time. All is well.

One night, idle chatter and online joking takes an interesting turn. A juvenile joke elicits an unexpected response. She privately offers you a topless photo. “Where's the harm in that?” Keep reading and you will see. Oh, and before you go thinking that this is an exception rather than the rule. I guarantee you that there are a huge number of people online who are hunting for attention. As a matter of fact, people searching for attention they don't get in “real life” are probably more the rule than the exception. If you think it's not easy to turn a few “witty remarks” into pictures of naked women online, you're wrong.

Public chat in a forum turns into private emails and IMs. Still just stupid chat. A few more pictures get sent. Nothing harmful on it's face, but a couple of important changes have taken place. One, you're no longer censored by the public eye. It amazing what a difference that makes. Two, a door to sex has been opened. Men, even smart men who should know better, do STUPID things when you throw sex at them. Even more so in our modern society where we have been desensitized to sex and sexual images. In our “girls gone wild” society, what's the harm in taking a look at some naked girl desperate for attention? You can buy it for $19.99 on TV, or better yet, have someone give it to you for free online!

You may continue talking. It may still seem harmless. A few more jokes, a few more photos. A few jokes and innuendo lead to more “interesting” conversation. You start pushing boundaries a bit. “I've never even met this girl in person”, “a little fooling around online isn't cheating”. Oh, how wrong you are. Trust me, this is worse that cheating in person. If I had simply met some woman in a bar while I was out of town and done something stupid in the moment, I believe my marriage could have been saved. Sex is just an act, and while it is a grand betrayal of trust to have sex with someone other than your partner, it can be “just sex”. There is worse betrayal than this.

Online, “spare time” is easy to come by. Can't sleep? The bars may be closed, but somebody is online. Away from home and lonely in the middle of a sleepless night? Somebody is there to talk to. All it takes is an “instant” to send a message. You may begin to get a little too comfortable in conversation with someone. Here's where the real danger begins. Maybe you're feeling alone. Maybe you've been drinking. Maybe you're trying to impress somebody by being funny or cool. Maybe you've had some personal problems and a person you've never met feels “unreal” enough to confide in for no reason. Maybe you're just stupid. Whatever the reason, the conversation meanders to more personal matters. You might talk too frankly about your life at home. You may discuss some personal problems. You may even make a joke at your partner's expense. This is that worse betrayal.

The one person who has given their trust freely to you can no longer trust you. “But she doesn't even know”. It doesn't matter. The instant you break that trust it is broken. The second you betray her you've destroyed everything. Betrayal doesn't require the knowledge of all parties, it simply requires an action. It changes everything completely and forever, even if it isn't known. Why, you ask? Because some day it will become known, and once you've broken a trust it will always come back to haunt you.

At some point, your partner will find out about what you've been doing. Maybe you'll get caught. Maybe you'll be honest and tell her. Maybe there are dynamics of your relationship that are more complicated than this. Trust me though, it will happen. You may think all is not lost, that honesty will set you free. Be honest and it can be worked out. You may be right if it was “just a little fooling around”. You may be right if it was “just sex”. You'll never be right if you've talked just a little too much.

You see, there are things more important that any other. Certainly it can be damaging to have “fooled around”, but no damage can be worse than to betray a trust of confidence. That “conversation” you had where you shared things that should have remained private is far worse than a sexual infidelity. If you slip up with sex there are things that can be done to salvage the trust lost. Limitations can be put into place that prevent it happening again. Prices can be paid, tears can be shed, new promises can be made, and life can continue on. It may be rough, but if your relationship is strong, it can weather the storm.

Not so if you've betrayed a trust of confidence. You've shared intimate details of your life with somebody else. Somebody not deserving if your trust. A third party may now know something sacred that has been entrusted to you by the one person who you hold most dear. All because of what? Some “simple conversation” with a stranger. It may have even seemed harmless at the time. You may have been angry and venting. This person is just a stranger right? What does it matter? If you need somebody to talk to, find a therapist, talk to a good friend that you can trust. These are acceptable paths. Your partner may not like that you've shared private things, but may just understand that you had to vent or talk something out with somebody you trust. Not so with a stranger. They're just a nobody, just a person. If you'd share intimate details of your life with “just anybody” you're no better than a tabloid journalist spouting hidden truths at anybody who will listen. None of this can be undone. Ever.

So, through whatever mechanism your original indiscretion comes to light. You may even be honest and own up to it. You may tell your partner all about the situation so that they may once again find a way to trust you. You share all the correspondence you've had with this other person. “See, it was just something stupid”. But do you remember those comments? The ones you made that weren't related to any sexual situation? The ones that may have even seemed benign at the time? The venting when you were upset? These bells are now and forever tolling and you cannot un-ring them.

My wife was understanding. My wife was supportive about things. My wife appreciated my honesty even if some of it was labored at times. No matter how good a person you are, it's sometimes hard to be completely open when you're feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Even in front of someone you love and trust. It may take some conversations to get through it all and get it all into the open, but it can happen. My advice is don't hold back. Spill your guts. It's far better that she hear any bad news from you. But do you remember that stuff that you said? All of it? Do you remember that specter of broken trust? I shared all the evidence of my deeds with my wife. It could have been worked through if it was just “harmless fun”. But it wasn't, and she didn't even get to hear the worst of it from me. She had to read it in black and white and see the bold-faced stupidity of my actions for herself.

I have perpetrated the worst offense that a man can against his wife. I have broken our trust. I have taken from her the one thing that I promised her above all else. I have humiliated her. I have embarrassed her. I have had a joke at her expense. She cannot believe when I say that this won't happen again. Why? Because she can't even trust me to protect her from a stranger. There is nothing I can do that will fix this. There are no words to say to make it alright. There is no way to take it back.

I have ruined my life through my own stupidity. I deserve the ruin I have brought upon myself. My wife does not though. I have destroyed her trust in me. I have destroyed our relationship. I have taken the thing that she loved most from her. I have made even the sight of the person that she most loved repellent and unwelcome. I have taken away her best friend. I have destroyed HER life, and I had no right to. And all for what? Some “harmless” pictures of some tart with so little self worth that she was willing to do anything just to get some attention. A little “online fun” with a person who meant nothing to me. My wife can no longer even believe that she meant nothing to me. If I'd share personal things with her, she must have meant more. I can say that isn't true, but how can she believe it? There is nothing I can do to regain her trust. She can't believe anything I say or do anymore.

I know that this narrative will most likely have it's own repercussions. I'm certain that I will lose the respect of my friends and peers. It will very likely even affect me professionally. If it will save somebody else the pain that I have brought upon my wife, it will be worth it. Nobody deserves what I did to her.

If you are in a situation even remotely like I was, stop. Think about what you've read here. Be honest and fully open before it's too late. Save the one you love from the unspeakable anguish you will cause. Don't take a single second more from your loved one for anybody else. If you think “I'm bored, maybe I should message X”. Don't. Think of your your partner. Call them. Message them. Tell them you love them. Spend all of your effort to keep them. Be honest with them. Own up to your stupidity. I guarantee that you'll have a better chance at saving both of you from a life of misery alone if you just be up front and honest. Don't hold back.

If you find yourself in a “harmless” situation as I did, think of what you've read here and walk away. Nothing is worth the loss of a loved one. Nothing is worth the pain that comes from betrayed trust. Nothing is worth losing the future you have with the person who loves you. You can never take back the hurt you will cause. You will never be able to mend a broken soul, and you have no right to break the soul of another.

I had initially removed the next paragraph after receiving a private message lambasting me for it. I am admittedly a bit sensitive to criticism at the moment, and my knee-jrek reaction was to remove it. After further thought, I refuse to censor my feelings for somebody else.

If you are the “other woman”. STOP IT! You know that messing with a married man is wrong. You're probably so desperate to find someone that you forget how it would feel to have that person taken from you. Think about how YOU would feel. Think about what you are doing. Leave married men alone.

This is my pain. This is my humiliation. This is my only chance. Maybe, just maybe, if she sees that I will lay all of this on the line to save somebody else from her pain, she may yet see some good in me. Please, if you've read this and it has touched you in any way, or if you believe it may touch somebody you know, share it with someone. If you have anything to say, or your own story to share, or something that you have to get off of your chest, share it below. Maybe through your comments and stories my wife and I may find a way to work through this.

I am so sorry Sweet Pea. I will always love you. I will always wish to undo the past. I will never give up hope. I will always hurt for you. I will never be the same. I will never be whole again. I am lost without you. I will always hate myself for what I've done to you.