I'm SIGHING and will simply tell you again...

You run the risk of ENABLING his AFFAIR and him falling more deeply in love with her since he is a CAKE-EATER.

Steve Harley warned ME against use of those other approaches.

No, MBers is not fool-proof but IMO, it's the BEST.

I encourage you not to use DISTRACTION to other methods as another excuse...

My H used to get TEARY because he FELT like he couldn't love me like I loved him..YUCK..and I used to buy into his tears...

You don't want his TEARS..

You want him to COME HOME...

Still sighing...

WHAT??

This person does not show understanding of the MBer's PLANS.

IMO, your marriage has a low likelihood of reconciling without PLAN B.

Your WH will remain your "FRIEND" if you allow him and he will see you on the side if you remain ACCEPTING of this and continue to settle for his CRUMBS.

You make the AFFAIR more tolerable for him...

You remain part of a TRIANGLE...on the lower rung of the triangle..

DOUBLE YUCK!!

It doesn't matter whether you respect my opinions or not.

Free advice to HELP you based on my experience...is all...

Your life..your choice...I do respect that...

Serenity,

You and I are so similar in so many ways. I think we can both argue each others point of who has it worse and debate what way is the best way to go.

You know I love you, but there is one piece missing from this discussion that I want to interject. You and I keep thinking there is something WE can do to fix this. The absolute truth is that we CAN NOT fix this. There is NOTHING we do or don't do that will bring them home.

I understand the need to keep looking for the best way, the magic pill, etc. But that isn't it. But the answer is simple. Just extremely hard to do and is a process. And that's coming to rely on G-d for his guidance on recovering you as a person. The hardest truth, fact or whatever I had to learn and still struggle with is that I have NO CONTROL over what WH does or doesn't do. I only have control over what I DO. And I chose to fight for my marriage and walk away knowing that I gave it my best shot because G-d was my leader.

I guess in many ways, you have to buy into and accept a few basic things. One, that your WH is in an ADDICTION, if you accept that, then you have to TRULY COME TO UNDERSTAND, HE IS AN ADDICT AND THAT ALL HE WORRIES ABOUT IS HIS NEXT FIX, OF HER, OR MAYBE OF THE CAKE EATING IN AND OF ITSELF. Who knows, their minds are distorted and they aren't thinking clearly.

I have bought into the fact that Plan A and Plan B are our best options to fight the addiction because of many reasons. But mostly because it's a plan of action that allows us to grow as people and become stronger for whatever the outcome is going to be. And G-d will have his outcome regardless of what we are doing because he knows the whole TRUTH, he knows the whole situation and he wants what is BEST for us.

I have to get to work, but I will be back.

I still have a CRUSH on QUEENIE...

Did you know that one of my worst fears of Plan B was not having my Miss Mimi talk to me as much. And alas, its happened. I miss you lady. You helped me through some very dark times. Now that I am dark, please come into my light.

Ok, now back to you Serenity....

I think I forgot my train of thought along the way to work. And then we had our "little darlings" heading off to camp this week so there was mass excitment going on at school.

Oh yes, to be or not to be in Plan B. There are a few people on here who say I worked a great Plan A with what I had to work with. I have come to accept I did what I could, when I could, took risks and owned that plan and made it what I wanted it to be. I know I layed that groundwork that I had made changes in myself, that our life as WH knew it was no longer going to exist and that I loved him very much and wanted him home. At times the signs showed, thanks to Mimi bringing it to my attention, that it was affecting him. And at times it made no difference whatsoever.

And though we are told to not have expectations the reality is we do, the WH doesn't react the way we hope, it doesn't bring them home, etc. so we get hurt. And that's where Plan B comes into play. I could never imagine me getting to a place where my love for my H could be lessened, but it did. He did awful, thoughtless, full on WH stuff. Our minds are not capable of understanding that insanity becaue they are sick and addicted.

If you knew me in the begining you would know that there was NO WAY I was ever capable or even willing to consider Plan B. But remember MB is a plan of surviving an affair, not always recovering your marriage. Is that what I want, just to survive, NO. I want my MARRIAGE. I WANT MY HUSBAND. But he is DEAD. He doesn't exist and the person who is occupying his body is a monster that I can't stand.

Serenity, you and I have to recover ourselves first before G-d will bless us. Plan B allows for that to truly happen because we are no longer looking for those opportunities to Plan A them, we are no longer being hurt by the drama of the affair and their downright insensitivity to what the heck they are putting us through.

G-d is asking you to seek him, trust him and let him do what he is going to do with your WH while you are out of the way. I often came to a belief that what if me not going into Plan B was stopping G-d from doing his work? What if I were the block from my marriage being restored? I just simply wasn't willing to be that. Alas, Plan B.

I am asking you to walk in FAITH and TRUST him that no matter the outcome you will be a better person for it. And that's ultimately what G-d wants, is for you and I to be the women he always envisioned for us.

And Serenity, do you witness how Queenie has GROWN into the POWERFUL GODDESS who is giving such GREAT WISDOM back to you!!

This is what you were praying for, Queenie..to be able to GIVE back to others...

What a BLESSING!!

Mimi,

You are so right. It's what I prayed for was to give back to others. And I am very grateful for that, because it helps to reinforce that I am learning what G-d wants me to and walk through what I am supposed to walk through.

I hope you know that it's because of your patience, understanding, and firm guidance has helped me come to this place. You know I still struggle badly on some days, but the inherent walk that it's ok is G-ds success and yours as well.

I love you so much......

Serinity,

I just wanted to touch base and let you know I'm thinking about you. Give us and update... Let us know what's going on.

ugh, checked email again... he said to her at the end of last week something about

"sorry about today, i'm going to start doing things right. I'm going to get the paperwork and file for divorce, something that's long over due. I love you."

she send back "Thanks, I love you too."



I wish he cared about his soul.

Read GAB's post on Not2's thread.

CAKE-EATER...he's trying to hold on to you BOTH...

Like my FWH..he would have done that for as long as possible..

Keeping HIS TRIANGLE going..

It's up to YOU to step out of the TRIANGLE and give him to her 24/7 and she will FAIL...to meet ALL of his NEEDS...


PLAN B..PLAN B!!

((((SOON)))))

OH dear, I can't imagine what was going through your head when you read that.

You ok?

Now keep in mind that nothing has been done. He could be telling her that just to shut her up while he continues his cake eating routine.

Plase take care of YOU!

Serenity,

Do you know what the defintion of insanity is?

Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Do you want to be insane or do you want to let G-d lead you into a life of peace and joy?

It's totally up to you, but Plan B is your ticket to some peace and the final chance to save your M. I hope and pray you are strong enough to see this and pray for the willingness to do whatever it takes to save your M.

What are you afraid of in Plan B?

I don't need to do Plan B. He's been Plan Bing me for some time now! He's not cake eating either. I guess I should have made that clearer a few weeks ago. He isn't trying to keep me hanging on. He's not been coming around much AT ALL. He refused to go to dinner with us for DD birthday. But then took the kids out to breakfast without me. He's finished with me! In his head anyway! If I Plan B'd him he'd thank me. I'm in prayer so much through out the day for him. God hates divorce, WH isn't a believer. I of course will continue to not LB, and put all legal things off as long as I can in hopes that she LBs him to death and he realizes he had it pretty darn good at home.

gotta get my nervous/anxious butt to work!

SS,

You are the perfect candidate for Plan B. Your WH is living with someone else; he shows no signs of wanting to remain married, he doesn't care to spend much time around you anyway and yet you want your marriage to be saved.

In Plan B you just ignore him (should be pretty easy to do) and wait for the A to implode on it's own. The difference between what you're doing now and Plan B might not seem like much to you, but rest assured that there are huge differences, not least of which is that if you actually do a Plan B instead of waiting for plan "lost interest" to kick in, you can define up front (in PBL) what it will take for him to return to you should he ever have a mind to return. It can prevent him from taking advantage of you in the future and might also give him reason to call you when the affair ends. Without knowing that you will take him back under specific circumstances, when the affair ends, his first thoughts will be that you could never take him back under any conditions. Your PBL can set those conditions so that he knows it is possible in the future, when statistics catch up to him and Warthog.

Your only other choice is to drag this out, doing nothing to heal and nothing to rebuild your life and eventually end up hating him and divorcing before the affair comes to an end.

This is what Plan B is for...

Now if you have decided you are done fighting for him, just file and get along with your life...

Mark

Serenity:

He's not PLAN Bing you. His PLAN is the same as it's always been. Keep my affair active. As I keep telling you, and as I have feared for you, he has lost RESPECT for you. He has to EXPERIENCE you as being WORTHY!

The problem, I think, is your own SELF-ESTEEM. That's what you really need to work on.

You shouldn't be worried about him THANKING you if you do PLAN B.

You would do PLAN B out of LOVE FOR YOURSELF..out of your own refusal to no longer be DISRESPECTED by him.

THESE PLANS are about YOU and FOR YOU..not about the WAYWARDS...

YOU would make the CHOICE to TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR OWN LIFE and NOT WAIT AROUND FOR LIFE TO HAPPEN...

YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN FATE..YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN DESTINY..That's how come GOD gave MAN free will and BRAIN POWER...GOD is behind you but he does not want you to just sit there and make HIM do all the work...

DO ALL THAT YOU CAN DO AND THEN TURN IT OVER TO GOD!!!

But you are being PASSIVE..you are not TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE ..and THAT IS NOT ATTRACTIVE to your WH or anyone else, Serenity..

If your marriage RECOVERS, YOU have to BE STRONG!

Start today in your work on YOURSELF!

So that you can come to say: "I will not stand this any longer; I will no longer let anyone treat me this way"...

In my view, PLAN A is done PURPOSEFULLY as part of a MARRIAGE RECOVERY PLAN..it is not a LIFELONG WAY OF BEING IN A MARRIAGE...it is a BATTLE PLAN..and after that PLAN is finished is time to move on to the NEXT STEP.

Serenity, are you telling us that you will no longer have a PLAN other than WAIT AND SEE...

Yes, this way, you will be headed for divorce.

If you do divorce, WE WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT YOU DID ALL THAT YOU COULD DO..

If you maintain your approach, WE WOULD SAY THAT YOU JUST SAT THERE AND LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU...

(((((Serenity))))))


I'm sorry that you had to read that in his email. Mark is right. You should go to plan B. I know it's scary but you can do it. You need to protect what little love you have left for your husband. You separate yourself from the affair so that your love doesn't turn into disgust, contempt and hate. That seems to be where you’re at emotionally… ready for plan B…

I’m working on my plan B letter right now… I still have some kinks to work out then I’m going to post it so I can get some feed back… Plagiarize it if you want to.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Serenity,

Listen to what Mimi is saying. Your sitch and mine are so similar. I thought the same thing that my WH was Plan Bing me. And I believed he would thank me for Plan Bing home. But something happened to me in Plan A. Because I listened to Mimi and so many others Plan A became MY PLAN, and I began doing things that brought self-respect back into my life. It didn't bring my WH home, didn't even crack him, but it gave me a lift in life. It gave me the lift and courage to go into Plan B for ME.

I know this is scary. I know you are hurting. I truly know these feelings. I HAVE HAD EVERYONE OF THEM AND MORE. I wanted to die, I even thought of how to kill myself. I though that if I died then it would bring my hubby home and my kids needed their dad more than they needed me.

But all that's crap.

My WH has lost all respect for me. He treats me like garbage and literally has tossed me aside like a dog and then kicked to the curb to be picked up for garbage. And I BELIEVED HIM AND BOUGHT INTO IT. What I did was keep taking it thinking that would save my M and he would come home.

I was willing to do anything to save my M even at the expense of myself. But then through Mimi and so many others I began to believe that I was worth more than garbage and that if I TRULY, wanted to save my M I had to buy into doing whatever was necessary.

Steve Harley says Plan A doesn't ususally bring the WW home, but the process of doing both Plans does. And at the very least, it gives you the time, space and tools to move forward with your life.

I truly hope you understand that not such a long time ago, I couldn't imagine my life without my h. I couldn't imagine taking this step and living through it. But I am proof, that you can and be ok. It's one step at a time.

Serenity, like me, please let Go and let G-d have your husband and let him work out what he is working out. If there are self-esteem issues with you, then you are going to have to do YOUR work for your marriage to be restored, otherwise you will end up in the same place and I am learning that G-d will NOT let that happen.

{{{{{{{Serenity}}}}}}}}}}

We are here for you girl. I will walk with you through this every inch of the way. I promise you aren't alone. And most importantly I promise G-d is there with, cheering you on and believing in you as much as we do.

Serenity, your situation reminds me of that old story about the guy in the flood who's crying out to God to help him and three different people stop by in life boats and offer him a ride out. He refuses saying God will rescue him. Well you know what happens... the guy drowns and when he gets to heaven he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replies, "I sent three people to you and you did nothing."

I know you're a believer. It is not an accident that you found MB. You are drowning. Perhaps your last life boat is Plan B. Do you jump on board or do you drown?