Please bear with me since I'm new I don't know if this is the place to go..

Here's my story...On 3/14/08 after coming home from work, I came home and started with my daily routine... I found some post-its and some papers from my husbands work on top of the counter top.. The post-its were written by someone telling him how much she loved waking up next to him and how much she loved him.. His work papers were a letter he wrote to himself were he expressed how much he loved kissing and hugging her.. When I confronted him, he didn't deny anything. He said things were not the same between him and I.@ that moment I felt as if I was going to die.
My first reaction was to leave the house with my two kids..I didn't leave only because I wanted to get to the bottom of all this and have him answer all my questions..

It's been two weeks and we've talked very little about the situation. He refuses to talk to me about the subject.. lied to me about where he met her.. I did some research and found that this whole time he would lock himself in the garage to talk to her. She works in the same city he does... he even spent $335 @ a flower gift shop for valentine's day for her and did not even give me a card...

He told me he wants to work things out with me and wants me to make him fall in love with me.. He asked for time for him to change and improve in the relationship...The thing is that I see very little change from him... He continues to go out.. comes home very late @ night and can't seem to talk...Can never look @ me in the eyes and tell me what he's thinking...

To make things worse this weekend she called my house.When I told him, he called her and she said I was the one calling her... Of course he believed her and took her side and got really upset because he says that I'm still trying to dig information.. When I told him let's talk he refused and left the house.. It almost seems like he's running away from his problems instead of trying to fix them.. I'm just trying to understand his behavior.. @ this point I don't even know if it's worth to stay if I'm not seeing any changes from him... Please HELP!!!

You've come to the right place (nearly). Post what you've just written in the General Questions II forum, where there is more traffic and a number of veterans who can help you out.

The bottom line is that your husband is having an affair and you will not be able to save your marriage until the affair is ended. You will get some advice on how to do that. Your H is a Wayward Husband (WH) and is in the fog right now, which is why you don't understand his behavior. He will say things that don't line up with his actions and things that are confusing and don't make sense. That is fog-babble. The others can help you to deal with that.

I don't know a lot about the kids situation, but I think others will advise you not to leave the house, as it can be spun by an attorney as abandonment and will affect your custody rights.

How much have you read here? Read the articles on this site dealing with infidelity, as well as the Basic Concepts, such as Emotional Needs, Love Busters, etc. There are some good links tacked to the top of the Just Found Out forum. I also recommend getting a copy of "Surviving an Affair."

You're in a lot of pain right now...so messing with where to post may seem like a frustration you least need...I'm sorry to ask you to click on Infidelity, General Questions II, and copy and paste your post once more.

As long as WH has contact with OW, the affair continues. There are great posters on GQII to help you end the affair. Like Shocked, I want you to get the most traffic, best advice on MB. That's the forum for it. It's where so many are right where you are now, in the trenches...finding their way through...acting from their plan.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley yet? Get it asap...read up on Plan A and Plan B.

Don't leave your house...you're the BW...stay where you are. Your WH is in a fog...you can choose to be the light, bring reality. Your gut instinct to find out the truth is dead on...

Plan A, if you so choose, includes exposure (to OW's family/find out yourself if she's married...has a BF...who her parents are); expose to your family and his...so everyone understands the truth...instead of being in the dark, as you were.

Please understand you did not make him have an affair...the state of your relationship did not make him have an affair--he chose to...he IS choosing to. Be sure to understand this so you can state fact from opinion...helps with the craziness you may feel.

Fight for your marriage, your family...read and learn more...lots of people have been through this, are going through it, right here on MB. Read GQII, Dr. Harley's articles "Coping with Infidelity" (links to the right of your screen)...the more you know, the better the choices you make will be.

You won't see changes in him...and if you're focused solely on him, you'll sabotage your Plan A...which requires focus on yourself...your power...what you control...

Your WH is in a very real fog...like being abducted by aliens...not an excuse...comes from living in fantasy, not reality...bring reality. You already hurt a tremendous amount...far more than many thought they COULD feel pain...may seem irrational, even unreasonable that you are the one to do the work right now...may help to understand you are real, OW isn't...the A isn't...and only you are living right now in reality. You're it.

Do not try to understand his behavior...your job is to KNOW it.

You don't have to have a talk (let's talk)...you can choose to state...do O&H drive-bys...state the truth..."I know you are continuing your affair, all contact does...so you continue to attack our marriage. I'm standing for our marriage. Are you tucking in DD tonight or am I?"

Do not dwell on what OW says or does...expose...expose their choices so you can receive support, stay grounded in reality. Find a marital counselor in your area who is pro-marriage, knows Harley's work and set up an appointment. Whether WH agrees to go or not...you can go. Read, study, learn, ask...you can do this.

What you are experiencing right now IS unreasonable, unconscionable, wrong and horrific. It's not forever. You can choose to do everything you can to save your marriage...so that in the end, whatever the outcome, you can feel pride and self-respect for your own actions. What you choose to do matters...examples love, respect, honor and integrity to your children...to yourself...often leads by example a WS out of the fog...given time, dedication, clarity and commitment.

Guess I could have waited to post this over in GQII...got carried away. You are not alone...you are powerful...please keep posting.

LA

Thank you so much for giving me some guidance... It really helps alot and it's comforting to know that there is hope.. I really want to do what's right and hope I can accomplish that. I'm not a quiter and I will give it my best.
I think in a sense he knows that I've been a role model house wife and this is what makes it even more difficult for him..I've given up many times before and I've tried leaving and he just will not let me go... Now I know that is a wrong move simply because I will put the custody of my kids in danger...
I know the OW is divorced and has kids.. I know where she lives and works..About me exposing the affair only few people know about it.. All his family knows and only a few of my friends.. I don't really want to get my family involved simply because they already don't have a good relationship with him and I don't want to make it worse... I've noticed that it really bothers him when people know what he does..He always tries to say that these problems are between him and I.. I just don't think he realizes how much he is hurting me and doesn't seem like he cares.

He tells me that he's been lacking affection from me so i've done everything possible to show him that...It just gets old when you're the only one trying and don't always get a response..