Please bear with me since I'm new I don't know if this is the place to go..

Here's my story...On 3/14/08 after coming home from work, I came home and started with my daily routine... I found some post-its and some papers from my husbands work on top of the counter top.. The post-its were written by someone telling him how much she loved waking up next to him and how much she loved him.. His work papers were a letter he wrote to himself were he expressed how much he loved kissing and hugging her.. When I confronted him, he didn't deny anything. He said things were not the same between him and I.@ that moment I felt as if I was going to die.
My first reaction was to leave the house with my two kids..I didn't leave only because I wanted to get to the bottom of all this and have him answer all my questions..

It's been two weeks and we've talked very little about the situation. He refuses to talk to me about the subject.. lied to me about where he met her.. I did some research and found that this whole time he would lock himself in the garage to talk to her. She works in the same city he does... he even spent $335 @ a flower gift shop for valentine's day for her and did not even give me a card...

He told me he wants to work things out with me and wants me to make him fall in love with me.. He asked for time for him to change and improve in the relationship...The thing is that I see very little change from him... He continues to go out.. comes home very late @ night and can't seem to talk...Can never look @ me in the eyes and tell me what he's thinking...

To make things worse this weekend she called my house.When I told him, he called her and she said I was the one calling her... Of course he believed her and took her side and got really upset because he says that I'm still trying to dig information.. When I told him let's talk he refused and left the house.. It almost seems like he's running away from his problems instead of trying to fix them.. I'm just trying to understand his behavior.. @ this point I don't even know if it's worth to stay if I'm not seeing any changes from him... Please HELP!!!

Lilag,

First of Welcome. This is a good place to be, there are a lot of people here that can help you. Please listen to them, answer the questions they ask as best you can and implement their suggestions.

I am pretty new here myself (I discovered my WW (Wayward Wife's) A (affair) a month ago). I can say that you have a VERY long road ahead of you, the people here are very kind and will walk it with you.

Go find the book 'Surviving an Affair' and read it. That's the first thing to do. You can order it off this website, or find it in most Christian bookstores. (In the relationships section)

Second, realize that your WH is not the person you married. He is an alien that is inhabiting his body. This is called 'the Fog' you will hear it referred to a lot in the coming months. What he says will be babble, he will re-write history, Lie and hurt you. You have to be STRONG!

Read and learn, do so quickly. You can survive this, and this is a great place to be to start. Listen to the others here who have a lot more experience then I do.

I will pray for you,

NRO

thank you so much... when I found out about the affair he tried denying the affair... saying that he just talked to her on the phone... But as I put the puzzle together I know that he's constantly lying to cover up what he did... the only thing he says is that he doesn't want to hurt me and that he wants to work things out but needs time...

I sometimes feel like if I'm the one that messed up because I'm the one that is always looking for ways to overcome this horrible nightmare.

I have gone to the bookstore and bought several books already.. I've searched the internet and I came across this web site.

I really hope I can overcome this and make the best out of my marriage...

don't go belly up on this...

he says he doesn't want to hurt you..

say you already have and are hurting me..the question is are you ready to stop hurting me....

how much time is spent away from the home working with contact with her...

what did you say to her when she called you this weekend...

how old are the children...


ark

Of course he believed her and took her side and got really upset because he says that I'm still trying to dig information.

your husband is babbling nonsense..

babble right back at him...

tell him of course you are still trying to dig up information on her...tell him she is a threat to you and children's well being...

and that if YOU were exposing YOURSELF to strange men that you would expect him to do the same..

make an appointment to go get STD tested TODAY

tell him he needs to do the same

is the Ow married
does she have children
does she work for the same company.....

etc etc etc...

let him know that you are more than willing to fight for your marriage...

ark^^

I agree with you... I don't know what came over him... He was always a good person. We've known each other since jr high school and he always said he wanted to be with me for ever... we didn't start dating till after high school and been together since.. This person he is now, I don't know. He was always my best friend and we can talk about anything, now he can't even look at me in the eyes when he talks( talks very little and always puts his head down).

He is smart enough to know that I will not sit and buy what ever he tells me.. He even told me he never slept with her...RIGHT!!!

I have turned the tables around and asked him to put himself in my position. What would he have done? He never has an answer.

I have gone to get tested for STD's and evervything came back fine(THANK GOD)

The OW is now divorced
she has kids.. don't know how many.
Doesn't work with the same co, but works in the same city.

He knows that I will never try fighting for what I think I deserve, which makes it harder for him too...

Thank you

I've told him that before.. There's nothing that will surprise me anymore or hurt me more than I already am.

During the week he's home right after work... He would go in the garage and that's when he would call her while I was inside being a house wife.. He would lock himself in there.. At times I would knock and he would say he was working out... During the weekend is when we have the biggest problem.. He leaves @ night and comes home no earlier than 2:30 am.. We've had so many arguments about him not coming home at a decent time.. and to make things worse he never answers his phone... I've tried leaving because of this and he always fainds a way to make me stay.

When she called this weekend I wasn't home. I checked my caller ID and saw her #. I called her back and asked her to be a woman and answer. If she had the nerve to call my house and disrespect like that. She never called back

My children are 5 and 2

Good for you for not believing him. I did at first with my WW, and when I found out otherwise it was like discovering the A all over again.

Keep it up, don't let him babble you down. I know you have a bunch of books, but Surviving and Affair is the *ONE* to read right now. It's the best one I have found and I have read a bunch of them.

Thanks for your advise and your support. I will look the book.

It's been a few days since I posted my story and I just need some advise.. Since I found out about the affair WH has talked very little about it can't seem to open up... I've bought the book His Needs Her Needs and he said he'll read it..I also gave him the emotional needs handout and he's going to fill out...

It seems like he's trying to get through this too, it's just hard for him...

Is it even worth to get information on the relationship he had with the OW?? Today I had lunch w/my best friend who told me that sometime last year someone saw him @ a wedding with the OW. She told me she was ugly... As much as I would like to know every detail of this A, I think it hurts and takes me back to place one...

What to do.. please help!!!

Hi Lilag,

Sorry for your situation but glad you're here!

This is VERY fresh for you, so your undoubtedly awash in feelings of anguish, loss, confusion, anger, etc....

First of all, read this: Ark's just be still

This is a long war you're beginning, so you might as well get comfortable and realize that it's patience and endurance that will win it.

There will be many small battles, a large share of them you will feel you've lost...don't fret...one way or another, you will be victorious if you remain committed to yourself first, your kids, and your marriage.

The nature of that victory is different for each of us, but you WILL come out of this alright!

If you haven't already, read this: Mark's Troubleshooting and Repair manual

In all, it's the best "one stop shop" source of MB principles distilled into one thread.

One thing I'd throw in from my perspective...if you're a caring person, you will tend to feel way too much empathy for your WS and end up feeling much guilt for your own contributions to the state of the marriage...

DON'T! There will be time later for that, right now you have business to attend to, and you need to be strong, rather than second guessing yourself, or worse, letting your WS cause you to do that.

Best of luck and you have come to the right place!

L2F

It is of little matter right now what your husband wants...

not very interested in him wanting to avoid the subject....just means you state some of your feelings loud and clearly....

you need a plan....

so make one...

1. what are his "reasons' for the affair...what is your marriage like....(and this is the disclaimer....nothing you did or didnt do makes you responsible for his affair actions...) what I am asking is what are his perceived reasons....

how long has your husband engaged in actions of coming home from work and going out to the garage instead of engaging with his wife and children...is this new behavior is this how he always is/was....

where does he go on the weekends when he stays out late..
who is he with...

how long as he been doing that...

how much time do you two spend together...doing couple things...
how intimate and romantic is your marriage...

what do you two do together...

what the hell kind of friend goes to a wedding and sees your husband with another woman and doesn't say a thing to you

you have the op number...
how does he know her...
do they work together....

you speak very clearly that you have no intention being married to someone that has a girl-friend ....and that you expect no contact...to occur..
that you expect him home in the evening NOT in the garage...
with you...helping you.....

have you told family members for support...
also you should seek legal counsel just to line your ducks up
and
you tell him you expect him to have STD testing ASAP

get the book...
read this site...
make a plan...
engage in plan A that works at seperating the spouse with OP..

call her and tell her that you have every intention of staying married at this point...

plan for plan B as well where you cut him free and let him wallow in his choices and actions


tell him that you need the details for your own sanity....

ARK

Hello Ark,

Thank you for your support..

I'm a very open person who always speaks my mind loud and clear..

On various occasions I have asked him what lead him to the affair, and the answer he has is that I haven't been affectionate to him and that everytime something needs to be done I always take my time to do it... Mind you I take care of everything in the house.. I told him nothing he can tell me I've done wrong will ever excuse what he did...

You see he is a very hard working man... almost like an addiction, so he has always been like that.. He's usually outside.

He likes to play poker alot and usually tells me he's going to play cards to a friends house.. The problem is that I have never stopped him from going out.. I always gave him too much freedom and when I addressed the fact that he was taking advantage that's when I noticed a change in him.. He distanced himself.I'm not the kind of person that questioned him at all.. He's done that since we've been together that was 7yrs ago.

Since we had our daughter we devoted ourselves to our house more than on each other.. We bought our house 6yr ago and ever since, all our money has been invested in it. We've had very little time one on one and I can see how all this contributed to the A.
On occasions we go places with the kids or when we out we usually go out with friends. He has alot of friends.

She works in the same city he does and he met her @ a reaturant
The person that saw him @ the wedding is not my friend, she's a friend of my friend and I guess my friend didn't tell me anything because she didn't want to stirr up the pot.

I have her cell # and work #. He met her @ a restaurant during lunch timeThey don't work together but they work in the same city.

His family knows, but mine don't they already don't like him so I don't want to get them imvolved.
I do want to get legal counsel just because we are not legally married and my name is not in the house, even though all my $ has been invested in it.

Is calling her the right thing to do?

has he will he agree to no contact with her..

has he will he agree to hand over his cell phone and all passwords to it...

do you think there is no contact
is she married...

is he willing to
call her and speak of no contact with you present

is he willing to go to counseling

do you think this is his first affair..

is he willing to stop going out so much without you

ark

He agreed not to have contact with her... He's told me she called him once to apologize for putting us through this.

I never asked him to give up his cell phone, but it is under my name and I have access to check his phone calls. This is how I found out how much he was talking to her.

She's divorced with kids.. I don't know how many.. I'd like to think there is no contact, but I don't know.. He says there isn't

I haven't talked about counseling with him only because I was first trying to get help for myself since he didn't seem to be remorseful about what he did in the beginning. Now he's spending more time with the kids.. I think that is what hurts the most that my Daughter is 5 and she knows exactly what is going on.. She's afraid of him and says what makes her really sad is that her that doesn't spend any time with his fam.

I don't know if this is his first affair.. When I first had my daughter a girl once called his phone and I answered. She said she had just met him @ a party but was not with him.. That time I packed all my bags and he got on his knees begging me so that I wouldn't leave... I stayed.

Several times he's told me he would stop going out, but that has changed very little. Those are always our arguments. The thing is that this whole time I've always told him if he's not happy he's more than welcome to look somewhere else but to let me know and let me go on with my life.. He never does always stops me... This is where I don't understand his actions.

Our whole life has been a rollercoaster from our families not getting along. His mother always talking negatively about me to him and my family not liking him because of his actions... One thing I do say is that he has always had my support for everything and he's where he's @ because I've been there with him. I've done things for this man that not even his mom has...

I really would just like to understand him... and know what he is thinking. This is not fair for me, him and most importantly for my kids.

What does she know?

Your daughter is afraid of her father? Why?

She literally said she's sad that her father doesn't spend time with his family? That doesn't sound like something a 5 year old would say.

Well let me tell you about my daughter.. She's a very bright girl and very alert... We try not to discuss anything in front of her because of this. Usually we go in our room and talk there. However she knows when I'm upset because her dad came home late @ night... The times that I've tried moving out my kids always come with me.. One day her dad asked her what she wanted from him.. And she said she wanted him to spend time with his family..He started crying but nothing changed then.. Usually when someone comes over to our house and they invite him somewhere he usually goes with them, when I tell him he doesn't want to go... So she tells me how come that is.. I told her to tell her dad what she tells me and she said no bacause she was afraid of him... He's not a bad person, I think he just intimidates her because of his strong personality.

I believe your husband to be a serial cheater. If this is the first, it's only because his previous attempts didn't work out. You are correct in that girl he met at a party was his attempt to cheat back then.

First of all, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE AND/OR TAKE THE KIDS! If you do wind up divorced, he may get custody of the children instead of you. This happened in Eph525's situation, even though he was the betrayed husband and his WW was having the affair. She was a stay-at-home mom, who was having an affair, he refused to move out, and she left and took the kids. He was later awarded primary physical custody and did not have to pay child support.

Secondly, you need to take charge. Your WH needs to prove to YOU that he is no longer cheating, not that you need to prove HE is cheating. He should not be allowed to go out because he has shown that he is not capable of being trusted. I guarantee you if you just continue your current approach, he's just going to find another way for him to continue his affair (i.e. different cell phone, being more careful, etc.). He needs to be completely open, honest, and transparent, and no longer go out. Otherwise, you need to expose his affair to his family, friends, your daughter, and OW's family and XH. Don't be afraid of losing him. He doesn't want to get divorced, he just wants to keep his mistress. He'll balance the two as long as you both let him.

At the same time, you need to read up on this website, identify his emotional needs, and try to meet them as best you can. Identify what lovebusters you are doing, and work on eradicating them. You won't notice much change for at least six months, and that's only after NC w/ OW because as long as she is meeting his ENs, he won't notice your efforts.

Finally, I think your WH has some issues, and he is not a stand-up person. He may be a serial cheater who will not change. He may not be the man you thought he was. You need to be prepared to stand up for yourself and your children, even if that means moving on at some point in the future (but that is probably at least 6 months-2 years away).

At this point in the relationship as much as I love him and as much as I want to work things out only because I'm not a quiter, I am ready to move on. I'm a very independent girl and always will be like that.. This will only be a horrible life experience for me, but it will help me to become a stronger and better person..This will not be the ned of my life.. I have two wonderful kids that keep me from going insane... I do alot of talking and he listens all the time... it's just hard for him to open up.. I can tell when I look @ him that he's really lost right now. In a way I feel sorry for him.. In the end he would lose more than me. I have learned not to depend on his love.. I just wish things would be different and he would see life the way it is.

When I talk to him I tell him to be completely honest with me. Nothing he tells @ this point is going to shock me or hurt me anymore than I already am.

Not that I'm excusing what he did (there's no excuse) but I can see where our relationship has failed. I always gave him too much freedom, didn't really spend much time alone, and our families both get in the way alot of the time.

I know that time speaks for itself and only then I will find the answer to all my questions.

Thank You for your advise and support.

Ok so this is where I stnd since I found out about the affair. Just when you think things can't get any worse they do... Last night I was going to the gym with my sister, when she told me about my H's A. She said she was so dissapointed because someone told her about it. She had details. She said the OW is pregnant from H and he pretty much blamed the failure of our relationship on me.... I don't even know how to react anymore.. Didn't cry even though it hurts I wasn't shocked anymore. She told me the OW has 3 kids from her previous marriage. So I went home and confronted him about it. He denied her being pregnant. All he did was blame me for all the negative aspects of the relationship.

He keeps bringing up stuff the happened is the past.. Mainly things I've said when we argue. One night he went out for his b-day, he told me to play cards w/his friend that lived in our guest house. He dropped off his friend like @12:00. I called him all night, he never picked up. I wake up @ 6:00 A.M. and he's not home. He calls @ 6:30 and tells me to pick him up because he's really drunk. I'm really upset because he finally decides to call. I didn't pick him up.. I told him that if he was responsible enough and cared about his fam. he wouldn't get that drunk. So now he throws that in my face.. He says I don't care because I rather let him risk getting a DUI than to pick him up.. So in return I tell him "If you would communicate with me I would gladly do anything for you".. He says now I know not to count on you.. To make things worse, I had given him a jacket for his b-day that he wore that day. When I was going to put it away, I noticed it had a meke-up stain and a black strand of hair. Confronted him and said his friend's wife hugged him.. BU#^# SH#&$&#T.

He pretty much blames my fam for alot of our issues too.. He can't man up to anything.

I just want to find my way out of this....