Queenie,

On our strong days, when we can see God working it is easy to feel Him with us and know that He is watching over us. When we see His blessings up close and personal we have no doubts or fears whatsoever.

But when we encounter those bad days and nothing feels like He is blessing what we are going through, those are the times when our faith in Him can grow the most. Just like David cried out to Him as he hid from Saul in the wilderness, we cry out to God for help. But while we are crying out to Him, we have to keep believing that He is still there with us and will in fact take care of us in the best way possible, not merely remove the trouble we are experiencing. Just as David had to keep running for his life because his enemy was close at hand, when the circumstances of our daily life threaten to overwhelm us is when God can do His mightiest work in us.

When Noah was told to build a huge ship, many miles from anywhere to launch such a thing, he had to make a choice. He could believe what God said about the coming flood or he could believe that there would never be need of a giant boat in the middle of the desert. He chose to believe God and the story tells us that God counted it to him as righteousness. We know that Noah was not a perfect man, and yet God chose him to be the source of salvation, not just for himself, but for all mankind and all of the land dwelling creatures as well.

So as Noah's neighbors and friends began to ridicule him for taking on this massive construction project, he could easily have given up in disgust. He put his life on hold in order to take years building a ship solely because God told him to do it. If he had not believed God, his life would have been much simpler.

But he chose to believe God and his actions followed that belief. He didn't merely agree that God was taking action on his behalf and that of his family and in fact the whole world, but he acted as if God was doing just that.

If Noah had any doubts about how to go about building a ship, understanding that he was not a ship builder since he lived many miles from anywhere ships that big could even be floated, he did not act as if he doubted. He knew nothing about the ship beyond what God had said.

What can help us to define our faith would be to ask the question, "If I believe God said He would ________, how would that affect my actions?" So when He says "I know I have the plans I have for you....plans to give you hope and a future," how would you act if you really believed that statement? And if you really understood God's promise to Joshua that "I will never leave you or forsake you," what would you do differently? If as it says in Psalm 102 God sits enthroned forever and as David understood that He knew us before He formed us in our mother's wombs, how would I act?

If God is really in charge of all of this and really only wants what is best for each of us, and loves us enough to have sent His prophets and leaders to show us by example what is possible if we only trust Him, shouldn't it change the way we respond to troubles as well as how we react to blessings?

Some may trust in horses and some may trust in chariots, but we choose to trust in the Lord our God!

Imagine being from a remote village somewhere and arriving at an airport by jumbo-jet. The plane brought you many thousands of miles from your home land. That in itself is a great miracle, that something so large and heavy can overcome gravity and fly at all. That it can fly thousands of miles without tiring is even more amazing. These are miracles we can see!

But now as you approach a door, with both hands full of luggage, carrying all of your worldly possessions, you realize their is no one to open that door and you will remain separated from your ultimate goal. But someone tells you to just keep walking and that the door will open for you just in time for you to pass through it and will close behind you until it is needed by someone else. If you stand and contemplate how such a thing might be possible, you will be stuck forever in the terminal and never reach your destination. But if you believe that that door will do just as you have been told and keep walking toward it, you discover that it is true. The door opens as if someone opened it just for you and after you pass, it closes behind you until the next person, both hands fully loaded approaches and just keeps walking and the door opens for him as well...

He will go with us, just as He went with the people of Israel when He led them from slavery in Egypt. He didn't just tell them go into the wilderness and promise to meet them in the promised land, He went before them, a column of smoke by day and a pillar of fire by night. All who walked along and kept walking could see Him and know that He was there. Never before in history had such an event happened. Every other god of every other nation lived in a temple or a palace or on a mountain top somewhere. This God of Israel was with His people as long as they followed Him...

The hard part was when they had taken the land and encountered the blessing and they could no longer see Him even in the distance. It was then they forgot Him and the miracles He performed and turned to the ways of the people around them. And yet He kept showing up, when Samson overcame hundreds by God's might alone, when a shepherd boy refused to fear a Philistine giant, when fire consumed the offering on Mt Carmel and all the prophets of the false God Baal were slain, when the lepers found food to save the starving city by going to the enemy camp and encountering not a prison but a feast...

But Samson had to act and obey God for God to use him and David had to enter the fight in order for God to use his scrawny frame to overcome what others feared most and Elijah had to prepare the offering and the lepers had to get up and go to the enemy camp...

When a car runs a red light in front of us and God seems to intervene and we avoid the accident, it is easy to say it was a miracle of God, but how many times do we simply go through the intersection and nothing at all happens and we arrive at the other end safe and sound? When it happens just like that day after day with no visible intervention by God, He is still there, keeping us from harm and ensuring our safety and making sure we get where He wants us to go. It is every bit as great a miracle as the near accident that didn't happen.

And so too is the accident we cannot avoid if we believe He is in control of our lives. But we still have to get in the car and head off to work or we are forever enslaved to our fear...

Faith is moving forward, expecting Him to protect and guide us even when we can't feel or see Him. Keep looking for Him to show up in the smallest of ways and He will make sure you know He's still there...

Shalom aleichem...

Mark

If I believe that G-d said He would restore my marriage, how would that affect my actions.

I think I would focus more on becoming the woman G-d envision instead of worrying about what will happen and when. Sad, but honest.

I would completely stop worrying or feeling sorry for myself and just live each day.

Yes it should. And for me, more importantly it needs to.

Yes he will.....

I read in my Jewish Co-dependency book that this is a process. It doesn't happen overnight and in 10 months, my relationship with G-d has become the most important thing in my life, but it's still so new and uncomfortable and I just need to keep asking, seeking and walking until it becomes a part of me like breathing.

The pain and hard times are just part of the process and I just need to walk through the door with the suitcases to get to the other side.

Mark, your wisdom is amazing. thank you.....

I keep beating myself up for something that can't have happened in one day, but over time and through the trials.

One question.... I am struggling with the what G-d's direction for me. G-d told Noah to build a boat. I struggle with what G-d is telling me to do. Unless what you are saying, and please forgive me for my slowness, but unless he is telling me to keep walking and have faith....no matter what....

Am I warmer?

Yesterday was a little bit of a victory in the learning not to control factor. My son told me that WH called him to come eat ice cream and ended up giving him some birthday presents.

He sprung it on me and I asked a few questions, but fortunately I was leaving the apt and didn't have time to dwell. I felt a little tweak, but for the most part the urge to know everything or feel sorry for myself was at a minimum. In the past I would have grilled YS as much as possible for information, but I didn't do that this time. YEAH!!!

Tomorrow is the day the season ticket money is due for the Redskins. I don't have it. I could borrow it from a friend, but that would be me under pressure to find time for someone to buy the tickets. Once upon a time, there was absolutely NO WAY I could have ever given up those tickets, but they don't define me anymore. My relationship with G-d, becoming the woman G-d envisions for me defines me. And yet there is still a sadness and not sure what to do.

Anyone want to offer up a suggestion?

Ding...Ding...Ding...Ding...

One of the problems with discerning God's will is the fact that in this country we have bought into the notion that if we are obeying God, he will make everything in life easy for us. But when we read the scriptures we see people who trusted God through trouble, trials and uncertainty. Abram was told by God to leave all he knew and head to only God knew where. He went anyway...

David was anointed as King and had a right to the thrown. Saul was trying to kill him while he was still king, and David spared his life more than once, because he trusted God to protect him, since He had promised David he would be king...

Abraham took his son whom he loved more than his own life to a mountaintop willing to sacrifice him to God because he trusted that God would make a way to keep His promise that through that son the whole world would be blessed...

Making really good time on the highway is not an indication that you are on the right road and being stuck in traffic or bad weather conditions that slow your travel is no indication you are on the wrong one. Circumstances are not what determines God's will for us. We find it mainly in what He has revealed to all of us in scripture...

Mark

Hi Queenie,

Good job!! The most difficult part is learning to not obsess about WH...it's a new habit that will take time to learn.

I have never been overtly religious...going to church and such but the way I get by on the bad days is by knowing that no matter what happens or how difficult...I KNOW that God will be there to guide me. There has been too many times in my life when I cried out for help and support--and somehow that help came in some form. Sometimes it would be years before I figured it out but in my heart I know that I'm being care for..guided. I would be an idiot to not recognize his hand in it.

You know that saying that when a door closes...a window opens? Sometimes it's a uphill-strenuous path to reach that window but it's there. He always provides...we just have to be "open" to it.

Sadly for me, the outcome of my M will not be what I had hoped for but somehow it feels right. But his plan is not always spelled out for us and I will continue to believe and have faith that he will continue to guide and lead me to be a better person.

My 2 cents...for whatever its worth.

Continue the good work!
Tami

I'm AWESTRUCK by Mark's WISDOM and TEACHINGS!!

I'm reading and don't have much else to say!!

I'm here!!

I love the sound of that bell.

Alas, the study of Torah is where I find my book of life and my true road to recovery.

I didn't necessarily want G-d to make it easier for me, I have come to understand we all have our journey's of pain and lessons learned. What I am learning to truly understand is that though I am willing to walk through the hard times, I wanted the outcome to be a certain way. The restoration of my marriage.

That's where FAITH comes in. I don't know what He has planned for me, but it will be beyond my wildest dreams. I know that he wants my M to be restored, but he will do what is best for ME and not what I think is best for me.

And I will simply just have to accept this time in my life as Abram, David, Abraham and so many others did. There is much for me to learn about myself and my FAITH and walk with G-d. There is also very much of me to learn about Torah. I can take this opportunity of solitude to learn my lessons instead of worrying about what I can't CONTROL.

I have said for so many years I want to study Torah and that opportunity just hasn't presented itself. Maybe I need to figure one out?

ME TOO.

I would love to study with him. At least the first five books.

I'm glad you are here. I miss you. And honestly, just hearing your reinforcements helps me so much. You calm me girl.

I love you.....

Hi Tami,

You are so right, that is a difficult road to learn. But I am willing to learn.

This too has been a learning experience for me. I had a very hard time letting go of the outcome I want, to just walking in FAITH and waiting for the blessings.

I would love to have more 2 cents worth.

You know, we never really know what will happen until it does. That can be the best part and the worst part, but having this website and G-d on our side at least is the safe part.

Today is a good day to test myself in just walking in faith toe by toe.

So far so good.

A few interesting G-d things have happened in the last few days.

As it turns out, my business associate loaned me the money for my Redskin tickets. It's so interesting because a year or so ago, I would have moved heaven and earth, sold my soul to save these tickets. They were who defined me. I truly have come to a place in my life, where those tickets no longer define me, and was completely prepared to lose them if that's what was meant to be. I gave up completel control on this and just walked through in FAITH with G-d. I couldn't have done this before. NO WAY, not where these tickets and Redskins were concerned. But I did, because I have changed.

There has been this guy at my AA meetings who has gone out of his way to be nice, hugging me, etc. I noticed it a couple of weeks ago and gave him a card thanking him for the attention. I had realized that for the first time in YEARS I felt like something who matter or felt like a woman. Not this piece of dirt that my husband treated me like.

On Sunday at the meeting we were talking and he told me that he did like me and said I was hot. I told him that I was married, wanted my marriage and wasn't interested in a relationship whatsoever. But again, I told him how nice it was for him to say that and it meant a lot. Which is did. I realized that night that in over 29 years of being with my husband, he NEVER once told me I was hot or treated me as a desired woman. He just had SF because we were young, but I imagine it could have been anyone.

What happened gave me a little sign that even if my husband finds me completely undesirable, that isn't true. And it was nice.

Now for a little advice... When I delivered PBL, I asked WH to give his cell phone over to our friend along with his W2. He hasn't done that. Unfortunately what that allows me to do is check his phone calls, which I know I shouldn't. I am praying for the willingness. Anyways, I noticed that he called my lawyer, because he did end up depositing the money into our checking account. But then I saw he called a paralegal services.

I have to admit, it put a huge cringe in my heart, but then I just gave it to G-d and worked a little harder in walking in faith.

You see, I had just had those two experiences of FAITH and I just felt what to do. I was ok, still a little sad, but that's just a feeling. This morning, I'm still a little sadder, but I am owning it hear and walking in FAITH.

Those two experiences gave me the help of FAITH that no matter what is in front, the door will open when it's time and G-d has me in the right place. I just need to keep walking, being honest with myself, learning about myself and totally giving my will and my life over to the care of G-d.

Mark, those teachings you gave me are helping me to keep walking. I don't know if you understand how powerful your words are, but I am so lucky to have them. Thank you...

Any chance of us studying Torah on here? I know I've asked before, but I don't think I was capable of focusing on it. I believe that I am growing inside a little more and able to take this on.

What a BLESSING about your tickets!! TRUST AND FAITH..We've been telling ya...

YOU NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM THAT GUY! GIVING HIM THAT CARD WAS A NO-NO! YOU WILL BE TEMPTED TO MAINTAIN THAT RELATIONSHIP! I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM ANYMORE right now!! You're rewriting history due to your conversation with him. That's bull about your relationship with your H. I don't believe for one minute that your husband just had SF with you because you were young. If that is so, why do you want to recover your marriage? You see, this can be problemmatic....and lead you to divorce...

You are also not following the PLAN B rules by looking at his calls, Queenie...

Don't start down that PLAN B path of breaking PLAN B..just this once..just this once turns into over and over again...YUCK!!

I think it was the first time that I really let the outcome go. It was a gift from G-d to experience that and so I have something to draw from when I need to know what having FAITH and TRUST means. That may seem stupid, but it's something I really needed. And I am so grateful.

You are right.

I hadn't even thought of this.

I have been with my H for so many years I can't remember what life was like with him. But I can tell you for years and years and years our SF life was not good and that's on him, not me. It's one thing that has needed to be worked on and he wasn't willing to go there. Why do I want to recover my M when that was such a problem. Because I believe in my H. I buy into the fact that he is in an addiction and sick. I believe in the person he is capable of being and that's why I want to restore my M. We are both two sick people who lived a very dry drunk life. But as healthy people, we have the qualities and commitment to each other to make the most magnificent life. Does that make sense?

[quote] Don't start down that PLAN B path of breaking PLAN B..just this once.. [quote] OK.... This will be the hard one for sure.

Thanks Mimi for calling me on the truth. thank you....

Queenie,


Just feel like I should warn you that you need to protect yourself right now more than ever. You are so vulnerable from months of doing everything for your WH while he has done nothing for you at all. Your LB$ is not only empty, but like a vacuum and any attention you get from any man is likely to feel wonderful...and a tiny bit more than that and it might feel too wonderful...And you have seen what happens when that "feeling" thing starts up. All logic goes out the window. Knowing a thing is not right does not make it any easier to resist and the next thing you know, you are in your own affair and when your H calls you, assuming he does, you will have a real serious dilemma on your hands.

So be super-duper, over-the-top, way beyond normal, careful right now until you can complete withdrawal from your husband.



As for studying Torah on here. I would only say that my view of Torah is colored by my belief in Jeshua as Messiah. The things I see in the writings of Moses and the prophets is based on what I believe God has revealed in the writings of Paul and the other authors of the New Testament.

As an example of that kind of thought process, I can give you an example...

To me, Jesus, as Messiah, is mentioned first in Gen 3:15 as the offspring of the woman. When Abraham was promised that through him and his son Isaac the whole world would be blessed, I believe that reference was to Messiah. And when God provided a substitute for Isaac for the sacrifice, I believe He was reinforcing a precedent that He established in Gen 3:21 where He made garments for Adam and Eve from the skins of animals, suggesting that while God had said "You will surely die" as to the punishment for disobeying Him, there was instead a substitutionary death in that animals had to die in order for them to live in God's presence. And just as God clothed them, He clothes those who believe in Him with His righteousness, since what we can contribute is so woefully inadequate. We stand naked before God and only His righteousness can prevent us from suffering the just rewards for our disobedience.

I also believe that when David was promised that his descendant would sit on the throne of Israel forever, that descendant was in fact Jeshua, who was descended from David. I also believe that it was by God providing a substitutionary sacrifice in Jeshua that a person can stand before God and be found acceptable.

Now many theological implications result from this understanding of scripture as being not a collection of stories that show us examples as to simply how to conduct ourselves, but really a single story of how God made the universe, created Man for relationship with Him, Man sinned (turned his back on God) and the whole rest of all the bible, both old and new testaments, is the story of God providing a way for that relationship to be restored. We are in fact the wayward spouse who turned our back on the righteous husband and pursued our other lovers and the bible is the documentation of that husband's efforts to restore us to the relationship we have rejected.

Plan A and Plan B are really just a repeat of what God has already done. When Israel ran after other gods, He sent prophets to her to show her His love for her. But when she continued to reject His ways and refused to give up those other gods, He turned His back on her and she was carried away to slavery once more in Babylon. But when Israel was repentant, God restored the relationship with her and let the people return and the walls were rebuilt and the temple was made more beautiful than before. Plan B had ended, and Israel once more took her rightful place as God's bride...

God even shows us that this is His story by giving us the story of the prophet Hosea who was married to an adulterous woman who ran after other lovers, and Hosea ransoms her back from her captivity in sin and restores her to her position as his wife, though she did nothing to deserve such treatment.

You see, when it comes to God, I think that we are all Hosea's wife, and it is only by Him redeeming us that we can have a relationship with Him at all. Until then, we are lost in captivity to sin that is of our own doing and making.

So that is where my perspective of Torah comes from...

When you know what God has done, it changes the way you see what He did before...

Still want to attempt it?

The reason so few understand scripture is that they read it without studying it. It isn't enough to see the words, you have to know what they mean, and that sometimes requires understanding the context or the overall message God is trying to present.

For example, why would many Jews be fearful of Christian teachings?

Could it be that it was in the name of "Christianity" the crusades slaughtered thousands simply because they were not "Christians?" Or might the fact that Hitler claimed to be a "Christian" that they would be skeptical. But it isn't until you discover that nothing Jesus or any of His followers ever taught had anything to do with hatred or condemnation of the Jews, nor the Arabs, for that matter, but that Jeshua was a Jew, who celebrated Passover, the Festival of Lights, Purim and all the rest, and that His closest followers called Him rabbi, and that he said that if a man strikes you on the left cheek, you should offer him your right as well... (there is a context to this that many don't know, BTW)...

My point is that it is often the "back story" that sheds light on the meaning of the story itself.

OK...I'll shut up now.


Mark

Please don't shut up. I really believe that your wisdom and way of bringing Torah to life is a message for me from G-d.

Absolutely I need to attempt this.

This statement was so true for me once, but no longer. This journey I am on is about finding G-d. I was threatened by Christianity, but then this happened and I pondered whether G-d was calling me to become Christian. I don't believe that at all. My heart is in Judaism, my soul is in our traditions and callings of our ways. I don't know them all, but I continue to learn and live my life that way.

But above all, Judaism is a religion/culture of examination and questioning everything. I can't remember the joke of rabbi's and opinions but I imagine you have heard it once or twice. And it's in that spirit of questioning and searching is what brings me to ask you for help in studying Torah, and not fearing Christianity as I once did but embrace it as a resource of looking at what the message from G-d for me is. Does that make sense?

And I am asking for help in uncovering the light of the back story for myself.

So, please keep talking.......

Just until I am through withdrawals of my husband?

Or until the outcome has been decided?

Queenie,

While you are still missing your husband, you are even more vulnerable than you will be once the dust has settled. Even then, if you are really waiting for his affair to end, you need to remain vigilant that you don't allow another man to come to your rescue from your unmet ENs.

I was just pointing out that right now especially, you could easily fall into an affair of your own by doing nothing more than allowing another man to meet any of your ENs, since nothing is being met by your husband at all.

Assuming Dr Harley is correct, which I do think is the case, even having one EN met by one person over a period of time could result in that person's LB$ balance exceeding the romantic threshold and then, you will be as addicted to him as your WH is to the crack-ho.

That is why you need to heal first and then decide if waiting longer is your desire or if, after you have learned to live without your husband totally, and you are fulfilled, not by any man, but feel complete in and of yourself needing no one but God to complete you, then and only then should you examine whether or not you are going to continue in Plan B or let the marriage end.

If you were to fall in love with someone else while still married and then your husband suddenly became repentant and wanted you back, there would once more be three people involved in the decision instead of the two of you. I'm not saying remain celibate and true to the man who betrayed you forever, only that you need to remain focused on the why of Plan B until you have come to a clear decision that the marriage is lost and you want to move on. If that decision were to come today, nobody here could fault you for it. You have gone above and beyond what any typical person might be reasonably expected to do, but unless you are ready to decide to move on without him forever, guard your heart from any other entanglement that could prevent the restoration of your marriage if the opportunity presents itself.

Like I said, if you are ready to end Plan B and go for Plan D, then I'm here to support you in any way I can. Just don't make the mistake of giving up on one because you have found another. That is after all, what your husband and every other WS has done...

It's over when you say it is or when the ink is dry on the divorce decree and even then might not be if you wished to pursue it beyond that. But make it an informed decision and not one born of ENs met by another broken person in a similar situation. This is too easy to allow for a recovering addict to anything. This is why methadone doesn't cure addiction to heroine, only transfers the desire from one drug to another. Heroine itself was created in part to cure addiction to morphine which was invented to cure addiction to opium...

As you know, addiction is about how the source of that addiction makes you feel. It creates a sense of happiness, power and well being that can't be reached without the substance of choice and that is why an affair is an addiction in the truest sense of the word. And that is what the love bank is all about, having that sense of happiness and contentment and well being that is not a part of normal everyday life without that person.

For now, rely on God to supply your needs and wait for the day when you know He wants you to move on, if that is today, then move on, if not, just keep on the path you are on until He directs you yo do otherwise.

Another two cents and worth every penny...Soon, you'll have enough to go to Starbucks for a small coffee.

Mark

Me, too.

Queenie,

I so understand this, yanno. You also know where that led me.

Please protect your heart. Right now, you cannot fathom how easy it is to let another man fill your LB. You won't even realize that's what's happening. He's already made deposits into your LB. And now you feel drawn to him.

If your goal is to save your marriage, stay away from this man. You were right to tell him that you are hoping to save your marriage, but that is not enough. You must not allow him opportunities to fill your needs, otherwise, you WILL begin to have very strong feelings for him.

You feel rejected, thrown out like trash. I KNOW! I felt it, too. That's what makes this man so dangerous.

Ok.... I understand

Not one bit. I really wish I could do this, but alas I can't give up on him yet. I have given him away, but can't give up on G-d. Not yet and I don't believe for one moment G-d is asking me too. Not today at least.

I'm not sure I would agree that I have done more than one reasonable person, I did what I think was right and gives me the ability to look myself in the face and know I gave it my all and checked my ego at the door and did what was just simply right to do.

How about I save it for my tzedakah box and donate it to a good cause that will help people?

thanks... And about that torah study?

Queenie I just had a thought...Do you think WH actually remember after a few weeks/months what we wrote in our PBL's?They are so fogged out do they retain anything?