I have just finished reading 'His needs, Her needs' and I was to say the least horrified when I read the bit about it being much harder for the man to end the A where a woman can usually do it very easily.

My WH and I have just begun recovery and I know he isnt being completely forthcoming with me. I know at this stage he is still in the fog to some extent so I am not pushing for 'I love you's' or anything like that but I just want to be assured that he really does want this to work.

My main fear is this. She met his need in a sexual manner, to be plan and simple about it she was happy to do things I would never even consider and he wouldnt even go there with me. But our sex life has always been good and satisfying even while he was with her as well (it was an internet A and I know that he did meet her once but obviously she wasnt as into him as he was into her cause after they met she started making all sorts of excuses not to keep it going in person other than via email and phone). I know she is in a relationship and I am trying to suss it all out to find her partner and expose the A to him but they are in another state so it makes it difficult to say the least.

I cant meet those needs, I can be the best person in the world but I can not behave like a prostitute so how do I meet this need with out degrading myself and doing things I am not comfortable with????

He has just taken a new job and I am worried that the A has only ended because of the following factors -

• She has ended it because she isnt really that into him. And I know she ended it not the other way around. I am trying to see this as a god send but how do I know he wont go back if she makes contact.
  
  

She is in no way a viable wife/partner to put in front of his new employer yet I am because I have the knowledge to be able to mix and mingle with them but she would never fit in with these people.

• I am simply just comfortable, reliable, and dependable so he is thinking he will just stay with me for the sake of it??
  
  I want to know that it is over. But after reading his emails to her I know that if she starts up with the sexy stuff again I am going to be in a real tough place again and I know I am not out of the tough place yet??
  
  So do become something that I find repulsive to satisfy his need or just hope that no access to a computer and not being able to contact her will be enough for it to die??

You should not degrade yourself.

If you are not comfortable doing something you shouldn't do it. You should be open and honest about it. Tell him how you feel. Don't make him feel bad for asking. Just keep your boundaries in tact.

By doing something that you do not care to do, you would be sacrificing. Sacrificing leads to resentment and resentment can kill a M. That's why we have to POJA issues in our M. We are to avoid sacrificing for our spouse. It is not healthy.

All,

I also see that you are "hung up" on comparing yourself with OW, trying to convince yourself that you are better than OW (and you are), but what you need to understand is that the A is not about OW. She could be anybody. The A is about your WH. His weaknesses and his entitlement and selfishness. If he does not change himself, he could go find another OW. See it's not about HER.

That's why your fear of losing him can't drive you to settle for him "as is". He has to make changes. He has to protect his weaknesses.

You have to have boundaries in place. Have you read about the Giver and the Taker?

I think you start with one truth:

People are who they are, not whom we want them to be, no matter how badly we want it.

This goes both ways: You for him and him for you.

I'm not sure what it is that he wants that you cannot bring yourself to do. I don't think it really matters, it could be anything. Nor does it matter what *I* think is normal or reasonable. It only matters what the two of you think. No amount of him wishing will turn you into whom he wants you to be.

Conversely, no amount of wishing on your part will turn him into whom you want him to be. His desire for this thing you cannot give will not just go away.

Given this, I think it comes down to, does the M mean enough to your H to live without this thing you cannot provide? How strong is his desire for it? Is it worth throwing away your M?

Only he can decide that.

It might be possible to "meet halfway". (Then again it might not). If possible, for any EN, I think it wise to explore all the possibilites for both.

Unfortunately, sometimes we just come across a deal breaker.

Which brings me back to my original point:

People are who they are, not whom we wish them to be.

It may be incredibly stupid for a man to throw away his marriage for this EN. You might get 99% agreement from everyone you ask that he is being a jerk. Doesn't matter - he is who he is.

Being willing to jettison the M over this says nothing about YOU. It's all about him.

YMMV