Hi Dino!

Well if you ask me, you already have brought some good news. Your wife being open to hugs and kisses is great. It sounds like you kind of know this already. You can be patient. Your wife deserves your patience. Just keep being there for her during this tough time in her life.

I know that whenever I have a major problem at work, it's hard for me to get my mind off it and want more physical contact from my husband other than just spooning. Honestly the comfort of being spooned means so much to me. But at those times, my head is just too full of other thoughts and worries to allow me to get in the mood for more ... I just want to empty my head so I can fall asleep and don't stay up worrying all night. It's not you she's rejecting. It's just she's stuck in her head with her worries. Don't take it personally ... that is not how it's meant.

Snuggle
I really appreciate your support. I've been in a pretty dang good mood for the last couple of days. I can really tell the little bit of difference in her when I'm like that. Not that there's any significant change in how she is with me physically, but she seems a little more at ease, you know? It's still tough to live like a roommate but part of what I talked about during my appt, was finding ways to control my thoughts when the going gets tough. At least I'm making conscious decisions about it now and it works most of the time.

One thing that still bugs me though Snuggle. I had a talk with her a couple of weeks ago about NC. Basically I just voiced my opinion that contact with OM would have a detrimental effect on us if we're moving toward making things better. She basically told me that she wasn't contacting him but due to their situation with legal matters in the military, she said that she was concerned with his well being and that maybe in the future (months/years?) they may have contact just to see if things were ok with family and whatnot. I told her I understood the thing about her being friends with anyone she wants, but I also said she had crossed the line with this guy and that I wouldn't/couldn't support her having contact with him, period, if recovering our marriage is what she wants. I told her I wouldn't bring this subject up again and it was up to her to make the decision she feels is right for us. Now I felt good about telling her that, but it does still eat at me sometimes to think that she may be in contact. I've done all the snooping I can and have never come up with anything. If there is NC, I don't want to sabotage things by getting caught digging around in her business. Should I leave that subject alone and hope that she is being honest with me? Obviously I still have some trust issues but I'm definitely trying to be positive when it comes to things like this. The only reason it bugs me sometime, is that when she is in her rougher moods, I sometimes think it may be because of contact with OM, because of the things I read here on MB. You know how they say that contact can cause the WW/WH to digress in any progress? That's the only reason I have doubts. I've never seen anything other than that to prove otherwise. Am I just being to sensitive to things? Should I leave it alone? Afterall, I did tell her I wouldn't bring the subject up again and I don't want to come of as untrustworthy either. She also has trust issues with me because of things in our past. Just wanted to get your take on this situation.

Thanks again Snuggle, I'm looking forward to your reply.

ciao

Hi Dino! You sound so much better today. I am chuckling a little imagining you spotting the slight changes in your wife and reacting inside with hopeful anticipation a bit like my dog when he sees me in the vicinity of the treat jar. By the way, I think if you notice a slight change in the outward attitude of your wife that usually indicates a bigger change in feeling on the inside. So keep up whatever you're doing !!

Your question is an interesting one. If I read your post right, your wife wanted to leave open the possiblity of contacting the OM later just to make sure he is doing ok. I can kind of understand that. After all she did care about him and now they are both in trouble, so I understand the impulse to check. But if you think about the next steps she might realize that it is not a good idea ... if he's ok then she risks ruining both their progress past this episode for nothing. And if he's not ok, it's unlikely that she would really be in any position to fix it for him and she might make things worse. So you are totally right to insist on no contact.

You know your wife best ... what do you think her reaction would be if she caught you snooping? I hate to admit this, in fact I've only ever told one other person, but I have snooped in a past relationship. I didn't like how it made me feel about myself or the relationship. I've sinced decided never to stoop to that level again. I know there are others here who advocate it, but it's not for me. I certainly understand where the impulse comes from though.

So did your wife agree that she wouldn't contact the OM again? Or if she does contact him will she let you know, so it is out in the open? I think you have to gauge where your relationship is right now to know whether or not to bring it up. If it is possible for you to talk to your wife about the affair without it turning into a fight, you could say to her "I know I said I wouldn't bring this up again and if you don't want to answer you don't have to, but I sometimes find myself worrying you might contact OM again. I hope you won't. But if you do, please don't hide it from me. I want us to be able to tell each other everything from now on. Ok honey?" or something like that. That way you will know if she does contact him and no longer have to worry about it ... you can cross that bridge if it ever comes, right? If you're lucky she'll say that she's decided you were right and she's not going to contact him again ever, but she might not be ready to say that yet so be prepared to be supportive either way. I think you are very smart to consider how your words and actions will affect your trust issues. Snooping definitely won't help, but maybe practicing open and honest communication will get you moving in the right direction.

I do think you are probably being oversensitive thinking that when she is in a worse mood that it is because she has had contact with the OM. It sounds like there is a lot of stress going on right now at work for your wife, so it seems more likely that this is the source of her problems don't you think?

Anyway, I hope you have a good weekend. Do you have any plans? Hopefully you are getting in some of that 15 hours a week one-on-one time We will be doing yard work tomorrow together ... kills 2 birds with one stone for us ... one-on-one time AND housekeeping...LOL! So not romantic, but it does contribute to keeping me happy in the marraige

Snuggle
Funny how God puts people in your life, I just wanted to thank you for taking your time to chat with me. It really helps and it feels good to hear that, along with seeing the positive signs from my wife, I seem to be doing the right things. The best thing is, I'm enjoying doing what I do, it's not a burden to me and it's helping me accept the mistakes I've made in the past. This is how I should've been all along.

About the NC thing. She's told me that she will be honest and tell me upfront. That's one of the reasons why I don't want to bring it up again, unless there is an obvious sign. And you're right about another thing, I don't like snooping, as a matter of fact, I hate it. It makes me feel like crap and I don't want to do ever again. So I've decided to leave that as a dead subject, I'm tired of negativity and I'm not going to waste another ounce of my energy on things that aren't positive.

So Snuggle, unfortunately I'm in Texas for the next 2 weeks for an Air Force class so our 15 hrs will have to wait till I get home. Separation is something that we have dealt with over our 18 yrs although I think it isn't a very good thing at this time. It's also one of the reasons we're planning on retiring in the next yr or two. I have some really good news though, I think we've made somewhat of a break through, I'm not sure but I think she may have turned a corner. I left on saturday morning the 19th, on friday night when we went to bed, she climbed over and layed on my chest and cried and said she missed me and was worried about me traveling. She held my hands and caressed me and said she couldn't sleep. She broke down and told what a terrible mistake she made and how bad she feels. She said she didn't know if she could ever get over what she did and how dissappointed she was for letting herself be so weak. It felt so good to have her touch me like that again and really act like she cared about me. I haven't felt that in a year. I didn't say much, just held her and told her everything will be ok. I told her I really missed her too and that no matter what, I'd be here for her through everything. She drove me to the shuttle the next morning and kissed me on the cheek.

I'm in a good place right now but I'm sure you can understand my tentativeness. We're at least moving in the right direction and that's a good thing. I still get those negative feelings creeping in, it happens when all you've known for months is pain and dissappoinment, you expect more of the same. But I think she may be starting to come around. I'm starting to feel like a little kid who's parents told him they're going to Disneyland, don't know when they're going, but they're going. And when they get there, it's going to be wonderful.

Thanks again Snuggle, I'll keep you updated, good or bad.

Sounds much better, dino. Great work! Re the NC, MB says absolutely no contact, ever - once a feeling, always a feeling. Now, if you're leaving it up to her and she promises to inform you, add that you have to be with her when she makes the contact if by phone, and if by email, it will have to come to your own email address - and she will have to change her email so he can't find her.

For now, pay for the phone bill, and call her as many times a day as you can. She needs to keep focusing on you and coming to depend on you again. Send a real, live letter every day - tangible attention (and romantic). If it's not too much, pay for a plant to be delivered to her work, so her coworkers see you and her interacting - helps make straying hard to do.

Keep up the good work.

Hey Cat
I really appreciate you thoughts, you guys here at MB have been a blessing to me. A couple of months ago I was a basket case, I mean for real. And this was before I found out about the A. I had alot of work to do on myself before I could even begin to help "us" out. I'm still a long ways away from where I want to be but at least I'm getting better.

As for the NC thing. I know MB says no contact..period, but as with anything else, you have to interpret things to fit a situation. I agree with the concept and the effects it could have if they kept in contact, especially if they lived in the same city. But somehow, I've got to let her make her own decisions. Being a possessive, overbearing knucklehead is part of the reason we're in this situation now, doing that again will only reinforce the fact that she's been unhappy with our marriage for the last 5 yrs. She's a grown woman, she has accepted the fact that she made a terrible mistake with this affair, she will also have to face herself if she makes the mistake again of letting herself become weak once more. I'm lucky in the fact that they live in different countries. But I'm not going to treat her like a child, she does deserve more than that. I have to have faith that I can begin to have some trust in her once again. It has to start somewhere and it's going to start with me. If she proves me wrong then I'll go from there. But I'm just too tired of living because of what "might" happen. I can only do so much and she has to make some rational decisions sooner or later. She has to see daily what she will decide to give up if she chooses the other road. I have to live with the choice she makes, either way I'm going to be ok. I truly believe she will make the right choice, I have faith that the promises we made 18 yrs ago still hold true. We've now both broken those promises to protect each other and I believe we are at a crossroad. I've made it clear to her what my decision and goals are, now she has to make her decision. I think she has, she's still very skeptical of me as well though. I haven't been the husband she's needed, I carry that guilt. Don't get me wrong, I don't wallow in it. But I know my role in this nigthmare and I accept it. I can only prove myself through action that takes time. We will see, she knows I love her, she's scared of going back to how it was and I understand that fear, I don't want it that way again either. Cat, I do want her focus to be on me but I don't want it do be a negative one.

Wow Dino, I am blown away by the strength in your words. You've taken an honest look at yourself and you have such a solid sense of what is the right thing to do by your wife. The man you are today is one that your wife would be wise to hold on to. If she is anything like you, I think your marriage is going to heal and become just great.

Hey Snuggle

Those words are easy to write, we'll see how well I stick to them eh? So I'm really lonely here in Texas. It's the first time in awhile I've been away from my kids. They've been my anchor since all this craziness started and I really miss them right now. I'm still really scared Snuggle, even though I talk a good game. I say I'm going to be ok if my wife and I part ways and I will, eventually. But I don't want to be apart from her, I love her so much. I WILL be ok but not until after having my heart and soul ripped from me you know?

I talked with the family last night. They're 6 hrs ahead of me timewise, so it's going to be hard to talk with them before they go to sleep. Wife seemed in a good mood to talk but she didn't get home until 8:30 at night and she sounded tired. I can't wait till she's retired and done with that job, it's killing her.
We joked and laughed a little but she sometimes hurts my feelings with some of her "jokes". We were talking about how we would get along moneywise, once she retired. She thinks I'll do well once I retire and start in a new career, she says "hey, since I won't have a job anymore, you'll be able to pay me spousal support", she laughed about it but those kinds of things aren't in my laughter category quite yet. I still have a long way to go.

Again, thanks for the support Snuggle.

Snuggle, did you read my post from the 21st? What do think about that? Was there a defining moment for you in your situation? Was there a single moment that you said to yourself "I think we're going to be ok"? I want so bad to say that was it but, you can understand my wanting to protect myself also...

Have you followed the steps here at MB for surviving an A? It doesn't sound like it because (and this is not my area, so forgive if I get it wrong) I think one of the key tenets when you get 'back together' to work on the M is complete openness and honesty (transparency) on both your parts. Therefore, if you and she agree to follow these rules, she will let you know before she ever contacts him again so that you can have a say, and she will let you know immediately if he contacts her.

It's an agreement you two are supposed to make. If you spell it out, lay it on the table, that you will follow these steps, you have a better chance of it working. That is not, IMO, being overbearing - it's being logical and using proven methods for keeping your marriage whole, and not about you at all. Does that make sense?

Don't get me wrong Cat, I understand all of the MB methods and everything. As of right now, she is still in her foggy "I'm not sure" mode. She believes we have a chance to work things out but has yet to make that real commitment to start working on her end. She's still in the mindset that if it's meant to be, things will work out. I've talked to her about the "work" it will take but as you know, it's still a touchy situation we have here. Once she makes the conscious decision to work towards it, and I believe she will, then I can start to show her the things I've learned here and she will be more receptive to doing things on her part. She still isn't ready to talk with anyone or read any of my books yet. She's just not ready.

As for the NC thing. We've made our agreement on that subject. If she makes any contact with him, she's supposed to let me know. Part of the openness and honesty thing is to have trust also. Is there any REAL way to know if someone is being totally open and honest with you? Somewhere along the way you have to put some faith in the person you love. I realize trust has already been broken, but sooner or later, I'm going to have to make a decision myself to either trust, or not trust. I may be making a mistake, if I am, then we go from there. If I'm right and she is being open and honest with me, then I have that much of a head start for my own healing process and she may be able to see my support for her. I really appreciate your concern. None of these decisions come easy at all. Everyone here knows that this situation is the worst thing we ever have to deal with in our lives. Nothing is going to be easy and even as I write this, I'm dissecting every decision I make. I'm torn inside about everything still. But I have to do what I think is right for me and my marriage. Only time will tell if I'm right. So far things have been moving in the right direction. I'm hoping that one day I will be able to tell my story of success in recovering what I hold most dear, my marriage.

Hi Dino! How is the training going? Have you had a chance to talk with your family again?

I find myself feeling exactly the same way you do about what happened with your wife right before you left. I know it is a big breakthrough. It's huge really. She made herself vulnerable to you again and shared her true feelings with you. If nothing else, it says there is hope that your marriage can be saved. I can also understand not wanting to get your hopes up too high because that can inadvertently put too much pressure on the situation and cause disappointment when things don't quite meet expectations. So I guess I would encourage you to enjoy the renewed closeness ... it's wonderful news to me ... but try not to develop expectations ... that way you can enjoy even the smallest victories.

For me, I never had a single defining moment where I felt like my marriage "turned a corner" or anything like that. Sometimes we would have breakthroughs where I felt like one of us finally got something about the other person. For us anyway, there wasn't just one thing that needed to be fixed, so it has been more of a gradual improvement. I think the pattern that fits best is "two steps forward, one step back" because we are definitely getting better, but we also have days where we backslide a little ... old habits being so hard to break A big thing for me to learn has been to not overreact when my husband is not perfect and backslides a little. Cutting him some slack is what will get me to the long-term goal of having a happy marriage even though criticizing him might give me some short term satisfaction ... LOL!

I wouldn't worry about your wife not actively committing to working on the marriage or doing any of the things you're doing. My husband has barely read any of the things on this website. He did do the emotional needs questionnaire with me, but that's about it. He actually laughed out loud when I said we should spend 15 hours a week together and felt that was too much time! So even though he wasn't actively looking to change, I think he had to change when I started changing how I related to him. Or maybe it wasn't even that he changed ... I do think he has always wanted to be a good husband to me ... but maybe what it is, is that I learned how to communicate better what I wanted and to listen to what he wanted. I tell you, I am in shock today because he fixed the toilet in my bathroom without me even asking! A year ago, I would have had to call a plumber or my dad if I wanted it to ever get fixed. So without him even trying in the sense of reading books or getting counseling or even saying to me that he was going to change, our marriage has somehow gotten going in the right direction.

Snuggle
I'm lucky enough to be able to talk to wife and kids everyday so that's a good thing. It's been hard being away from them, even the wife, I just have this overwhelming feeling that I need to be around her. I'm not sure if that's so healthy for me but what can I do.

Thank's for giving me the pep talk after reading my post. I was really happy about what happened. It felt good. I hope you're right about inner changes being bigger than what she's showing outwardly. I am having to keep myself from getting to worked up about it though. I want to be normal and happy again so bad. I hate having to think about this thing everyday, it's draining.

Today was one of those bad days. Nothing happened but I just started thinking too much, you know? Worrying about the future and worrying about how she feels about me and worrying that she isn't being honest about what she wants, you know, the usual self-defeating thoughts. I have yet to find a fool-proof way of shutting those down when they start. What always seems to worry me the most is that there isn't a single problem that I can put my finger on that has been the cause of our marriage breakdown. When I look back honestly, I can say that I just wasn't the loving supporting husband I should have been. Her A was just a symptom of our sickness [she screwed up, that's for sure], but in the big picture it's the least of my worries. Because of all this, I always get overcome by feelings of failure and feelings that I've done to much damage and that she's just waiting for the right time. Like I said, today is just a bad day, but when I have them, it's always the same thoughts. I just want them to go away.

How did you cope when your brain started being "uncooperative"? What did you do to get through those yucky days? That's what my assignment from the psychologist is supposed to be, writing down how I diverted my depressing thoughts. So far I haven't nailed anything down. I have to go see her on the 5th. Today was the first "real bad" day I've had so I guess that's a good thing. Anyway, just thought I'd pick your brain.

Thanks Snug

Hmmmm, Dino ... I think the training you are getting must be too easy for you if you're having so much time to think!!

It takes a lot of practice to control our brains, doesn't it. Have you ever tried meditation? I have never been very successful at getting my mind to be quiet without falling asleep! I only try it every once in awhile. I think if I would stick to it and really practice, I'd have a lot more control over my mind, but I've just never been able to muster the self disciple. Maybe with your military background, you would be more successful than me !

The thing that has worked best for me is just getting super rational and analyzing from a problem solving point of view. A lot of my worrying is over things I can't control, like bad weather or other people's actions and opinions or especially the past, and I have to remind myself that no amount of worrying is going to change these externals, so just cut it out and get focused on things I can change. If there are things in my control, I find it does help me to feel more positive if I just get in action on those things. Sometimes there isn't anything to do, so then I just keep reminding myself that worrying does no good and really just thinking about the absurdity of expecting the world to care that I am so worried usually gives me a little internal laugh that helps snap me out of it.

What kind of hobbies do you enjoy? It is a bit escapist, but when I am feeling bad, that is basically what I need. So I might read, do crossword puzzles, watch TV, work on a craft, bake cookies, stuff like that. Basically mental comfort food. Things that take me back to better times or times when I was a kid amusing myself at home.

If I can't settle down to do something comforting then I will write. I do have a journal (which I sadly neglect when life is good ... if you read it for the past few years you'd think I was the most miserable person ever!) so I'll pull it out and just pour out my thoughts and feelings. When I write, it does help me clarify things or work stuff out if my thoughts are jumbled.

I hear a little bit of my husband when you say that you feel like you failed. One of the problems we had was that I had a hard time telling him when my needs weren't being met because instead of hearing me saying "I would like you to do X or be more Y with me" he heard it as "You are failing me" and would become either defensive or mopey. I wasn't saying it to make him feel bad, I just wanted him to change some of his behavior. Granted sometimes I could have found better ways to phrase it, but he also could have given me the benefit of the doubt and been less ready to hear it as all about him and been more concerned about me. It was so frustrating! So don't be like that!! That's not what your wife wants. I bet she wants to be normal and happy again as much as you do actually.

Snuggle
Thanks again, the dumb thing is, I know what I need to do but some days it's like I turn stupid and get myself all worked up about stuff. Did you ever think that maybe we let ourselves do that just to get it out, you know, just cry on our own to release some of the frustration? It's hard work putting on the happy face all the time, while inside I'm still torn. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with progress so far, but there's still that part of me that is devastated that my once happy marriage has become the source of pain instead of the safe haven.

About my training, you are very intuitive! It really has been easy and they are giving us alot of free time. I've been using the time to work out and do my college work. So it's not been all bad, yesterday was just one of those days. Thankfully those days seem to be getting farther apart.

I keep a journal of my own also, started it as soon as she dropped the bomb on me 4 months ago. Mine also reads like a psycho basketcase. I actually brought it with me but I haven't written in it since I've been here. I usually wait for something significant but lately I've just neglected it altogether.

It sounds like your husband and I have alot in common. I never ever wanted to do anything to hurt my wife. I love her as much today as the first day I realized I loved her in the first place. In hindsight, communication is what killed our marriage. We both say that we were telling each other what we wanted, but we were sending each oter the same vague messages everytime we had an arguement. Everything was text book. She shut herself down and held everything inside, I would get moody and mopey because I percieved it as her losing respect for me and not having that deep love for me. Instead of doing real things to get on the right track, we just kept getting farther and farther apart. We are both hardheaded people and we took the requests as criticism and pushed back instead of changing our outlook. We both wanted the same things with the same goal in mind, but we just didn't do the right things. How stupid could I have been not to see those things before, when now they seem so crystal clear and easy to understand for me! Don't worry Snug, I'll never be like that again, my constant worry is that maybe I'm too late. I know, I can't do anything but show her the new me and hope she realizes that real change can happen.

I have to work on that mind control thing. If I could just get that in check I could be better for me and her. I think I might look into some meditation techniques.

Thanks again

Hey Dino! I hope it's been another successful day of training down for you.

I'm glad to hear that it was just one bad day. You sound good today. I think we all have tough days that are hard to shake. It's not dumb, just being human. Probably just being emotionally tired which is understandable with all that has happened.

You will have to let me know if you do give meditation a try! Maybe I will give it another try myself. My friend recently gave me a funny book about meditating with your dog. Now that my dog is older, I think he's finally mellowed out enough that it could work ... LOL!

Hey Snuggle
Training has been good the last couple of days. It's harder to stay awake during class than anything else, not much has changed since highschool years in that respect.

Got another subject to get your opinion on. I know we talked about the meditation thing but I haven't pursued anything for that yet. Something concerns me a little, because, with all the ways I've been trying to get in the right frame of mind and keep myself from being depressed about things, the one way that works sometimes also seems like a very negative way of dealing with it. Anyway, once in awhile when I start to get those depressed feelings, I make myself angry by telling myself that I should just forget about her or that she's an idiot for acting the way she is. Sometimes I hurl some mental expletives her way. I don't know, it all seems a little childish but I never lash out at her...ever. It makes me feel better at times, but then I wonder if what I'm saying is more true than how I think I feel? I mean, I really feel that we have a real shot at recovering our marriage and I want that more than anything, but why does it make me feel good to think and internalize all the negative stuff? Just something I wonder about, you know?

The past couple of days have been fairly good. We talk everyday and she's been pretty cordial. She says she loves me when we hang up. I still have alot of work to do in not assigning meaning to the little things I "percieve" in our interactions. You know what I mean, "she sounds like she's forcing herself to say I love you", "why does she address me by my name in emails and on the phone instead of calling me babe?", "why doesn't she sound more enthusiastic when she gets on the phone?", stuff like that. I really think that's the hardest thing for me to endure. I hate that she treats me more like an aquaintance than her husband. Anyway, I'm starting to rant.

I hope you weekend was good. I'll be heading back to England thursday. I should post a couple more times before I leave.

thanks again

Hope you don't mind if I jump in for a moment... I just wanted to say that I really liked this post.

The pain of causing a huge rend in your marriage can feel tremendous at times. 2+ years and 22 thread pages later and I find myself feeling it at some point throughout every day. Sometimes a twinge or a sting, other times it can be a momentarily crushing weight. I'm told that self acceptance and forgiving oneself goes a long way toward helping the healing process... might help that mask become a permanent fixture and not so much a mask anymore. Those things are something that I've been working diligently toward, but am still having a hard time with. Seems my hang up is that I've been unable to find a way to completely stop making my feelings contingent on how my relationship with WW is going. She DJ's me, and I DJ myself. I'm sure there's a reason for that I haven't found yet, but that's what time is for.

I never wanted to hurt my family, or myself, but my downward sliding perspective led me to that. Long story, but it leads to a similar scenario, as do alot of stories... we lose track, change our focus, or start stockpiling our doubts and uncertainties and next thing you know you start seeing the fantasy you've created for yourself as the reality... I can only hope that more people end up here, or somewhere similar, armed ready with a deisre to make a fighting comeback.

If you figure that whole mind control thing out, I'd be interested in knowing how you did it. It's crazy how you can be standing there saying and doing things that feel right and good, then the next minute you aren't anymore... and at the time it still feels right... but when it's all done you have to ask yourself "What just happened?". When the poop finally hit the fan in my life, when I came to that screeching halt and saw just what I had wrought in my life... what a day. I've never been so afraid in my life. Over the last two years or so, there have been alot things that I can say "I've never been so..." about. Here I am though, living and learning... and I'm alot less afraid of... well, just about anything really. I take alot more chances, and do so much more for myself these days... and everything looks so much more clearer for me. I feel alive, and not just living now. Though... I still feel that sting, those twinges... and sometimes that crushing weight... and know that I'm still holding myself back from really knowing what it's like to be free. I'll get there in time... whether it's sooner or later. It's all good.

Inferno
Thanks for the post. I get scared just about everyday, some more than most, but everyday. I don't want it to go away. To me it tells me that there is something out there that I want to fight for. It tells me that there is something I value, more than things, more than money, more than a quick road to happiness. Something that will have meaning if I succeed. Something that will last a lifetime for us and our family. This fight is about more than me and my happiness, it's about living up to a promise I made 18 yrs ago. I ache thinking about the way I failed to protect and love the person I made that promise to.

Either way this whole thing ends up, I need her to know that I tried my best, that I really am the man she fell in love with, not the stranger she came to live with. Not the man who put her through those few years of pain and sorrow. I'm still the man she looked at and fell in love with, the man she decided to call family and start her own with. When I am at the point that I can look at myself and call me that man once again, I believe I can watch her walk away if that is her choice. I will be saddened, not because of what I have done, but because of the choice she made and she will have to carry that burden, alone.

I know exactly what you mean about attaching your feelings to how the relationship is going. Right now we're just kind of coasting. I can make a case for me feeling either way right now. Why do I do it though? Why do we do it? No matter what anyone says to me, I believe it's because they are part of us. We aren't separate entities, when we made the promise we became one. We got to this point because we let ourselves believe we were "separate"! I would never treat myself the way I treated her before and had I treated us as one, we wouldn't be here now. I could cut myself loose, darken my heart, paint her with the dark colors of hate and walk away. But I'm not going to do that, she deserves more, I deserve more and my kids deserve more. I will find a way to deal with this, time is the key as you said. Again I say, I hope it's not too late.

Thanks again

Snuggle
Back from training. Good to be home, I really missed the family. Not much to speak of though, glad I didn't get myself all worked up about the happenings of the night before I left. Things are just as I left, positive but still the same. Had a bad night sunday night, got myself pretty upset but I was alone so no damage. I'm doing good not to have expectations but it hurts real bad you know? She talks alot about the future as if we're going to be together but she doesn't show much physical affection at all. I'm just so starved for her touch right now it's almost unbearable. I'm not talking about sex either (none for 4 months), just a warm hug and a real look of love. When she picked me up saturday, I didn't get a hug, I got to kiss her forehead. That stings. Everyday I see her, I smell her, I talk with her but I don't get to touch, I'm withering away inside. I'm still on my plan with no desire to change, but I wonder how I will manage. I sometimes question my will power. Can I do it? Will I last? I plan to, but what will be left of me? I can honestly say I'm getting better as a person but where will it leave me? I know all the text book answers, life will go on and blah, blah, blah. I love her, she's part of me, nobody can tell me different. I guess I can be positive and say that I am fortunately enough to have felt love that would leave me in this sort of state. Man it hurts though. Why do us humans wait to learn lessons the hard way, why are we so eager to want more. Why do we put ourselves though hell to get to heaven when we were there all along, just blind to it.

Anyway, I have another appt tomorrow with the doctor. I'll be interested to see how it goes. I just need some good sleep.