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SD-
I was cleaning my house today, and for some reason your story popped into my head.... \:D

You know how you feel that your wife was always passive, and was easily swayed by people? And this seems to be why Jennifer has you writing the letters and why she thinks that there still may be hope? (I know I am kind of chopping it all down...)

It seems to me that this may be her statement, and maybe she has decided that she IS done with the M, for real... and you are just not accepting the fact that she is done, because she wants it to be done.

The reason I say this is because my EX was easily swayed by people. When he decided that he was DONE with our M, he was DONE. Normally he would have been swayed but in this case he wasn't. It was what he REALLY wanted. And he stuck by what he really wanted. Can I fault him for that? Yes, and no. We had kids, we had a family, and he decided to just walk away from it. BUT... on the same vein, we were not happy together, and it would not have been a happy place for our kids unless we both were committed, and wanting, to save the M.

I kind of got to a place where I was thinking that I had 'lost' the battle, and to someone that was easily swayed at that! BUT, the reality of it was that he was standing up for what he wanted for once. Not that it was in the best interest of our family, but we were not happy.

I think you would be able to have a better R with her if you just accepted this, and started to work on the R you both need to have to raise your kids in the best environment that you guys can create together, yet apart....

Do you know what I mean?

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Thanks for stopping by, guys.

I like bringing the kids in to work as much as possible. I work for a major pharmaceutical company, though, and we have pretty strict safety regulations, only some of which I ignore. Our site did an awesome 'Take your child to work day' thing here a couple of years ago, where we had different stations where they learned all about the drug development process. They got to do everything from look at computer-projected protein structures to create their own label for a new medicine. My son still talks about that one.

I hear what you're saying, Sadmo. It could be that the SCQ is really done. She certainly thinks that she is, and it would be easier for everyone in the short term if I went along with that.

If she's just done (as opposed to still EnFogged), it would mean that she let our marriage expire without ever making a serious attempt to save it or even having expressed any unhappiness prior to my discovery of her affair. She said nothing. Plus, I believe that when you have children, you assume a certain responsibility, and in this case, she would be completely ignoring that responsibility.

So, yeah, it's possible that she's capable of just walking away, but if this is the case then I brand her shallow and pathetic and despise what she is and how it has affected me and my children and am disappointed in myself for choosing such a weak, small person to be my mate. It's easier for me to deal with Fog. The Fog of Affair can be forgiven. It will be much harder for me to forgive the other.

Sadmo, I really appreciate your concern and thoughts, and I'm sure you're not the only one who has them. I should probably say that just because I reported what Jennifer was advising me to do doesn't mean that I'm going to follow it to the letter.

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take care of yourself, and welcome the new day that comes, challenges and all. The alternative isn't so great.


Yes, Fox. This is what I'm trying to do. I'm living the days as they come, going where they take me. It's not a bad existence. I am not unhappy. Lots of people would probably love to have what I have.

I'm trying to live a good life. I'm going to try to keep the door open for the SCQ's return for as long as it's reasonable, but I'm not going to bend over backwards to do so. It doesn't really cost me that much to hold the door open.

Soon I will be divorced. I can enter into that with good conscience. At that point, I would be able to see other people with a clear conscience, and that's when holding the door open gets tricky, but that's tomorrow and I'm busy with today.

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 Quote:
it would mean that she let our marriage expire without ever making a serious attempt to save it or even having expressed any unhappiness prior to my discovery of her affair. She said nothing.



THAT sounds familiar!

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So, yeah, it's possible that she's capable of just walking away, but if this is the case then I brand her shallow and pathetic and despise what she is and how it has affected me and my children and am disappointed in myself for choosing such a weak, small person to be my mate. It's easier for me to deal with Fog. The Fog of Affair can be forgiven. It will be much harder for me to forgive the other.


This too.

Maybe we are brothers.

Last edited by chrisner; 04/02/08 12:37 PM. Reason: Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government

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Not the first time we've detected similarities, mis amigo.

I still think it's Fog. There's warmth in there somewhere under all that ice, but she's so lost.

And Sadmo, it's not a power struggle thing for me, or a win/lose thing. It's a right/wrong thing and a best/less good thing. Sure, we could do it this way, but it's wrong. Plus, it's not what's best for our children in the long term. I really appreciate your thinking of me!

Last edited by sdguy038; 04/02/08 12:54 PM. Reason: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you
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 Quote:

Quote:it would mean that she let our marriage expire without ever making a serious attempt to save it or even having expressed any unhappiness prior to my discovery of her affair. She said nothing.


THAT sounds familiar!

Quote:So, yeah, it's possible that she's capable of just walking away, but if this is the case then I brand her shallow and pathetic and despise what she is and how it has affected me and my children and am disappointed in myself for choosing such a weak, small person to be my mate. It's easier for me to deal with Fog. The Fog of Affair can be forgiven. It will be much harder for me to forgive the other.


This too.

Maybe we are brothers.


Oh, how I wish I wasn't one of the 'brothers' in this sitch, but it seems to be true. I'm having a hard time with this, guys. Really, really hard.


Last edited by silentlucidity; 04/02/08 01:40 PM. Reason: SHUT UP!

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I'll throw my hat into the sibling ring here too.

SD.. you've once again managed to capture exactly how I feel and why I've still got my foot in the door she's working so hard to slam shut.

Not much to add other than another kindred spirit.


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Yep, me too. Hello to my sista and brothas from anotha motha.

Dang, we're hip.

SL....I'll go check out your thread. Chin up, girl, you are one that so many of us admire. It IS hard. Harder probably for you than the rest of us. You had HOPE renewed.....and then had that ripped out from underneath you too. I feel for you. ((((SL))))

Aw, heck. Group hug (((((SL, Guy Smiley, chrisner, Jamesus, Sadmo)))))

Fox

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Perspective.

Yesterday DS8 had a baseball game, so I left work early so that I could pick up both kids, get DS8 changed, beat my way through traffic in time for the game at 4:30. The games are held at a field where the ocean breezes blow through, keeping it pretty chilly (um, for Southern California, anyway). Yesterday, I sat out in the outfield (and sunshine) with the moms instead of right behind the screen where the into-it-let's-win dads sit.

One of the moms (who has a little girl that DD4 plays with at the games) arrived at the mom sitting place and said "You know how you can have a perfect day going and have it turn on you suddenly?" I was listening with the other moms. She started out "I had a spa day set up" but then when she got home they couldn't find the shirt and this was missing and everything was hectic and "it was all because I just wasn't organized and so all that relaxation from the spa was ruined."

I smiled sympathetically and didn't really think "You want to hear about problems?" although I could have. I think I said something like "And yet everyone is here for the game, bla bla bla, let that stuff go and recapture your relaxation."

Anyway. Later in the game, DD4 comes back to me, needing to use the bathroom. They have a port-o-john set up, so I walk with DD4 back over to where it is. I note that she has taken off her shoes and socks at the playground and think "great, barefoot in the port-o-john." So when we get to the thing, I'm trying to lift her so that she doesn't step on the floor of the port-o-john.

Now, as I'm doing this, it occurs to me "She's been running all over hell and back barefoot, but now I'm worried about what she might step in?" Still, I started it out that way, so I might as well finish that way, and I'm bending over to lift her when she's finished, and Whoop. Out of my shirt pocket and into the drink slides my cell phone.

"Gee, that wasn't supposed to happen" is what went through my mind. The cell phone was only partially submerged, taunting me on what to do next. I looked in, and the liquid actually looked pretty blue, as if it had been recently serviced, so I figured what the hell and reached in and got it.

After wrapping the phone in paper and leaving it in the trunk of my car, I got back to the moms and opened with "Remember how you were talking about your day changing in a flash? Well, try this one on." Then the moms plied me with wipes ("Why, yes, I think I would like the anti-bacterial ones this time."). I, of course, had none.

It's all about perspective.

Last edited by sdguy038; 04/03/08 06:17 PM. Reason: Hallo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm sorry, guy, but that is pretty funny! I know the whole wet cell phone thing stinks (it stinks, get it? stinks?-bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha) but when I read it, I giggled (of course, it could be the glass of champagne I had with my dad).

I, for one, think you are a fantastic dad! The whole bit about lifting DD4 up onto the toilet seat, even though she'd been running around outside without her shoes on. Good stuff.

Last edited by silentlucidity; 04/03/08 06:55 PM. Reason: You keep saying this word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

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I owe you an email - so I thought I'd pop in here a sec...

We hold the door open for as long as we do...because we are parents and because we really did mean the words "for better or for worse".

I stayed because of who I wanted to be, not because of the person I thought he should be...

When I filed for divorce - it was because *I* was ready, not because of whatever state of mind he was in which I could not know or even guess.

This trying to get in your spouse's head to make decisions about your own life is ... not wise.


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I know what you mean, that your spouse would actually just WALK AWAY without even trying. IT SUCKS. But it is what it is.

She will have to one day face what she did. Maybe she WILL be fine with it, maybe not. I agree though, that once kids are involved, at least a LITTLE effort should be put into saving the M....

I for one, have been a lot happier since my D. Me and my Ex get along a lot better, I do not feel the need to be overly friendly with him, which is fine. We talk kids, and that is IT. He recently tried to talk to me about "what I do when he has the kids", and I said, "I am just doing what I want to do." I do not offer him ANY details about my life, or ask him any about his. And it works out great for us. He has been around to watch the kids when he is REQUIRED to, and sometimes, though not often, he will take them when he is not required to. It works out well.

I know what SL meant on her thread when you can look at the person you were married to, and not even recognize them. I feel that way with my EX. It is weird. But for me it was a momentous occasion: I (my heart)did not feel connected to him, and even my MIND did not feel connected...

You are an AMAZING, AMAZING Dad, I just wanted to tell you. It makes me smile that you take them so much, and you do so much with them. WAY TO GO. Your kids will never forget that about you. And, BTW, the 'take your kids to work' day sounded great, I bet it was fun. It is good to see you so involved in your kids' lives. You should be proud of that: that you took your role as a parent seriously, and that you will ALWAYS be there for them.

I just think that once people that usually are swayed by others decide to FINALLY make up their mind about something, and DO IT, they are so full of "This is MY decision" that they will not look much further than that triumph. My opinion.
You seem like you are doing well. Just don't make your happiness about IF you are a complete family, make it about if you are a GOOD family, even if you have a D. That is the important thing.

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Hey, a BR sighting. Thanks for dropping by!

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This trying to get in your spouse's head to make decisions about your own life is ... not wise


My goodness. How tame of you. But seriously, was I doing that? I was trying not to do that.

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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Yeah, I thought that might amuse some people. \:\) If only it weren't completely true.

Last edited by sdguy038; 04/04/08 01:48 AM. Reason: Have fun storming the castle!
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 Quote:
Just don't make your happiness about IF you are a complete family, make it about if you are a GOOD family, even if you have a D. That is the important thing.


Thanks again, Sadmo. I hear what you are saying, and I know that I will get to this place some day. I believe that will come with Doneness, because then I just won't care anymore. I will know that I did everything I possibly could, for better or for worse.

Last edited by sdguy038; 04/04/08 01:50 AM. Reason: I am not left-handed.
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You should have opened the phone, brought it to the "I'm having a bad day spa lady" and told her, "It's for you."

Last edited by chrisner; 04/04/08 11:07 AM. Reason: All right... all right... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order... what have the Romans done for us?

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SDGuy- I hope your cell phone still works! If it's any consolation, I'm usually out of wipes when I need them too.

Last edited by howtoheal; 04/04/08 10:53 AM. Reason: There's nothing like a nice mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich when the mutton is nice and lean...

I'm the FWW EA 2/06-3/06 NC 3/06 BH still not sure
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Waterlogged cell phone. Really ups the resale value!

Last edited by silentlucidity; 04/04/08 12:18 PM. Reason: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!

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Talk about a crappy conversation.

Last edited by chrisner; 04/04/08 12:42 PM. Reason: Shut up, you American. You Americans, all you do is talk, and talk, and say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say." Well, you're dead now, so shut up.

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 Quote:
Waterlogged cell phone. Really ups the resale value!


No, no, I know it says waterlogged, but it wasn't really water. It was that blue disinfectant water. How did that get in there? Well. . . .

Last edited by sdguy038; 04/04/08 06:39 PM. Reason: What is the capital of Assyria?
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BLOOP!(ringtone) Hang on I gotta get this....

Last edited by silentlucidity; 04/04/08 07:35 PM. Reason: WHAT...is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

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Another tough day.

This week is spring break for DS8. Some time ago, the SCQ said she would like for the kids to spend the spring break with her parents, and I agreed that it would be fine. I had assumed that she would be leaving the kids with her parents for the week but didn't want to actually talk with her about it and asked DS8. DS8 told me that the SCQ was going to be there the whole time.

I made the mistake of attaching a glimmer of hope to this. Thinking that if the SCQ was actually going to spend a whole week at her parents, that maybe--well, you know.

Anyway, Saturday morning I made ready to take the kids to her place at the agreed-upon time. Two different times she TM'ed me to tell me that she was running late--was still at the store, and could I bring the kids by later. Sigh.

Later, DS8 calls me to ask where something he needed to take with him is. I tell him I will leave it outside for him to pick up. While on the phone, DS8 tells me that the SCQ isn't going to be spending the week there, but that it will be okay. I realize what else this means but let it go and go on about my weekend, which was going really well.

Sunday late afternoon, DS8 calls me again. I engage in 'how's it going' chit-chat, which he participates in, but he doesn't call for that sort of thing. What he wanted to tell me was that he "can answer one of my questions about POSOM," namely does he smoke. The answer was yes, but not very often. "Ah," I say, "is he there with you?" "Yeah," he replies softly. This was the other shoe, of course.

The SCQ used to be a fanatical anti-smoker. Hated it. Hated everything about it. The smell. . . everything. All of her siblings smoke, but her parents don't and never have.

It's hard to blame the in-laws for letting the POSOM into their home. They want to see their grandchildren. It's likely that the kids' visit was set up before she told her parents who would be coming, maybe even to be used as leverage to get them to accept POSOM. It's also possible that she didn't even tell them he would be coming. Nothing would surprise me.

So I'm angry, and it's buzzing around my head again.

Angry that the SCQ didn't tell the kids what was going to be happening.

Angry that he got accepted into their house.

Angry at what a disgusting, pathetic person the SCQ has become.

Angry at what she's doing to our children, who deserve SO much better.

Angry that I married into that dysfunctional family to begin with.

Angry that I will be paying for that mistake forever.

Here's the email I want to send: It's great that you broke up our family for a future with a lying smoker who drinks to excess. He's certainly a great influence for our children.You must be so proud of your parental judgment and the example you have set for them. I'm sure your parents are.

Trying to get the venom out so that I can get back to my life.

Last edited by sdguy038; 04/07/08 02:12 PM. Reason: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.
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