Cat, I really wish I could just forget his bday and go out by myself, but I can't. I can't stand the thought of him being forgotten on his bday. I know that's hard for many to understand, but I do still love him and I don't want bad things for him.

WH2LE - I have to admit that the birthday dinner would be alot better with just the two of us. I know I'd have more fun with you than WH right now!! I can't believe your FWH, but I can see the same thing happening with us. Last year I got WH a gift certificate to a high class spa so he could feel special and pampered because he was so stressed out last year. I was so worried about him and his depression at that time. He never used it - wasted my money. Now I find out that his stress was due to his A and the associated guilt. What a jerk - just like yours!

Seems like most holidays and birthdays get messed up for me by WH since the A. On my birthday last year he planned nothing. Took me for dinner and we decided on the way where we would go. No card, no gift, nothing. When we got home, he told me he was going out of town the next day. He was gone for 4 days with no contact at all.

I know the next step is Plan B or maybe even file for D. I was talking to my mom today trying to explain that I'll be better off until I get a job the way things are right now. Financially, I'm better under the same roof with him than if he has to support two households. When I get a job, I'll easily be able to handle my own finances. Until then, if we stay in the house together I will be able to handle the few things I'm still paying without going into savings.

KLD,
There is a pattern developing here. Your WH is completely in control. He is calling the shots now. Not only is he continuing to conduct his A, he is deciding to D you...what I'm hearing from you is that you are constantly waiting to see how things play out..from moment to moment you have no idea what's going to happen next and it sounds like emotionally your moods are decided by your WH. My question to you is, are you going to continue to allow him to decide?? If you don't want a D, why are you having conversations about D with your WH? Why are you waiting for him to bring it up and then deciding what you will do as a reaction to whatever he throws at you? ETA: A plan of action on your part, would probably help you to feel more emotionally in control of yourself...you won't be at his mercy emotionally if you can set some boundaries and be willing to enforce them...Do you have friends or family that you can rely on? I asked before, but I don't remember an answer from you on that...If you have gone over this somewhere in your thread, I apologize if I missed it..

Somewhere along the line, you have completely relinquished all of your power to him...I am not saying any of this to be harsh, I am really concerned for you. You are worried about a B-day gift and it just seems like there are some bigger issues. Number one, have you considered what you will do as far as Plan B is concerned?? You have said you don't want to D, you still love him, and no matter what anyone else thinks you aren't ready to throw in the towel..I am just giving you my honest opinion...Your WH can't be talked out of his A...as long as he is in contact with the OW your M doesn't stand a chance to recover..first order of business, you need a plan of some sort if saving the M is what you want...Maybe you should start seriously considering how you can implement a Plan B....I know you are in the middle of a job search but eventually continuing to subject yourself to your WH's emotional abuse will take its toll on you...you are more concerned with him not feeling forgotten on his B-day...he isn't forgotten KLD..especially with the OW in his life...I am really worried about YOU KLD...please consider taking some time to take care of YOU.

KLD,

You should call the spa and see if they would still honor the gift certificate. Where I work, we ALWAYS honor gift certificates(no matter how old they are) and will even re-issue them if necessary. I know more than one place that does this, including some very large department stores. Please try.

THEN.....take yourself off to the spa. I think YOU deserve it. Feel like a pampered Goddess for a day(read Mimi's Goddess thread). And right now, while you aren't working would be PERFECT.

Oh,oh, where would we go to eat? I have only been to Atlanta once, just driving through at rush hour this past summer, on our way home from Florida after 2 fabulous weeks with my sister, her H and 8 cats.

HMMMM.....I am at work and there is a loud alarm going off. Think I better check it out. Hope it's just a test.

WH2LE

I have to agree. Apart from her insecurity, you remind me of wonderin. Her whole post if full of what if I, why didn't I, what if he wants, how can I, I should have, if only he...you're starting to sound like her.

I say that because you are scaring me. Can you borrow $5000 from your mom and move on with your Plan B? If you get back together after you find a job, you can have him pay back the $5000.

Hi KLD, sorry I haven't had much to say lately. Nothing new, just wanted you to know that I'm still praying for you and your family, what ever direction you go.

I like the idea of doing something nice for the birthday because that's who YOU are. If that was honest for you and not out of a fear. But I understand too about consequences.

Are you still counseling with Jennifer? What was the last plan that y'all discussed? Does it still apply?

RWife - I know you're right that he has control. It seems like he always has had even though I know that isn't quite true. I think I've rewritten some of our history just like he has!

Part of my problem is that I'm not always sure that I do want this M. Sometimes I do want a D. The D talk always starts with him. I've clearly stated to him that I don't want it - he always says he sees no other alternative. I give him the alternatives and he doesn't like them. Such a vicious circle. I'm to blame for at least my half because I don't enforce my boundaries as I should.

I do have family and friends that I can rely on. I also have a plan for Plan B when that time comes. I had really just hoped to be financially able to pay my own bills when that time came. I have savings that I could draw from if I need to - I just don't want to do that if I don't have to. I also realize that my emotional stability is most important.

You're right that there are bigger issues than his birthday at this point. I have been just trying to get through the days in a productive manner until I can move on to the next phase - whatever that turns out to be. Handling issues or questions as they come up is one way I've been able to do that.

All this sounds like rationalization as I write it.

WH2LE - I will try to see if they will extend the expiration date and try to use it myself. I actually have thought of doing that. A few months ago, WH offered it to me and I said no because it was a gift for him.

Anyway, there are plenty of great restaurants here. You definitely didn't get to see the good things of ATL if you drove through during rush hour. Ugh. Traffic here really bites.

Hope your alarm is just a test...

Cat - I could easily borrow money from my mom if I need it. I can also go into my savings if necessary. I actually think I may be putting this decision off because I don't want to deal with the stress of actually executing a plan b or separation. I'm stressed out with the job search and I feel like I can't deal with more stress. The stress of dealing with my WH on a regular basis is stress I'm used to. It does take a toll, but it's what I know and it's short term.

This may be faulty thinking on my part. I don't doubt that it is.

EO - it's good to hear from you. Thanks for posting to me. I thank you for reminding me that who I am is a caring person. In reality, I'm not afraid of being D from my WH, I just don't know for sure that I want that. I don't fear dealing with WH reaction if I didn't acknowledge his birthday. He probably wouldn't say a word if I didn't even wish him a happy birthday.

There are definitely bigger issues in our lives than his birthday, but I really don't want to have the day pass with no acknowledgement.

I haven't had a session with Jennifer in about 3 weeks. Our last plan was for me to continue as best I can in Plan A. I handled our latest issues and the last Dday per her instructions and it didn't go that well. She has told me that she believes my next step should be Plan B. I have my plan worked out for that, I just don't have the energy to implement it this week. Who knows what next week will bring, though.

(((((KLD)))))

Just here for moral support. Am crossing my fingers and hoping for a great new job for you! I really think that a pitch black plan B might be what will turn your WH around, if he isn't too far gone.

Hey, I just found out that I will be in Atlanta over Labor Day weekend, maybe we can have coffee or a refreshing beverage of some sort.

Who

Well, I think you're a really strong person. Just look at how you handled everything pre-D Day. I'm not saying you should do one thing or another, I just want to make sure you're staying objective about your situation, not being sucked in to something unhealthy. By all means, celebrate his birthday if it's important to YOU.

You're on ADs, right? Have you had that checked lately? It kind of sounds like it's not working.

I do agree with this, though. I see it so often on these boards, the BS is angry, astounded, indignant...then they expose and get started on Plan A, and I see their anger fade away, as they deal with day to day living, until the A - and the work the WS is supposed to be doing - has been buried under the rug. The BS has just sucked it up, dealt with whatever the WS is willing to give, not forced the issue, given him/her little to no consequences, and the A either continues or another one certainly pops up. I just don't want that to happen to you.

The way I see it, separation is the ONLY thing he will notice. You admit he lies, sneaks, continues to see her and then lies some more...where is the progress?

You can always get back together. Even if you divorced, you could get back together! Many people do.

I completely understand about the job; it would terrify me to be without work. I just worry that by the time you get a job, staying with him, you'll have given up on getting an even marriage and will just settle for what he's willing to give - which, from this side, isn't much.

Thanks for the support, Who. It would be lovely to get together when you're in Atlanta if you have time. We can discuss when it gets closer.

I do understand what you're saying, Cat. I know that I can find myself in a situation that is bad for me really quickly. And it may be that I'm already there. I did hear what you guys were saying last night and I've promised myself that I will consider what I can do now rather than later. I hate to be a slave to money, but I really don't want to put myself in a pinch. I have savings and I know he would have to help. I just don't want to add worrying about money stress.

I hope Who is right and I find a great job soon! I have 2 second interviews this week.

I am still on ADs, and I have to say that I don't feel so down most of the time. I haven't been back to the doctor or therapist, but maybe I need to consider that. I wasn't happy with that therapist, so I'd have to find someone new. Not really sure I want to do that right now, either.

I'm spending the day with my niece today. Her birthday was Sunday. It's her spring break and I'm not working, so Wednesday works great to go to the mall, do girly things, and find her birthday present. Should be a good day for her and a great day for me!

Yea! You go, girl!

You reminded me of a month or so ago, we took D17 and a friend to a big mall, where they had one of those fancy fountains like you see in Vegas. The girls were daring each other to get up on it while it was out of cycle, and run across it. They wanted to, but they were scared, so MrCat jumped up and ran across it, to help them get the nerve, and they did. Only took 3 or 4 seconds, but they were so proud of themselves for doing something daring - kids just don't take chances any more; I'm sure they'll remember that for a long time.

Not advocating that you do anything illegal, LOL. Just thought I'd share that fun moment.

Good morning KLD!!

I am looking forward to the day that you go into Plan B. You need to remember that Plan B is NOT a prelude to divorce. It serves it's own special purpose.

It protects YOU and your feelings first of all.

Second, it TAKES AWAY the wayward's contact with you. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE the importance of that fact. Your particular wayward WANTS contact with you in SOME way VERY BADLY or he would be gone. Unfortuantely, he also wants contact with the OW, just as badly. In other words, he wants to be a cake-eater. Plan B takes the cake away and leaves him with the crumbs.

Third, it forces the affair to come to a turning point. Either it will continue or it will die. That's because it is no longer your run-of-the-mill, fun, secret life, escape from reality, naughty-but-nice adultery. Once the BS says, "fine, go off and have "fun" with your w***, BUT you are going to have to do it without me," something HAS to happen. That something is REAL LIFE.

Fourth, maybe most important of all, it GIVES YOU TIME TO THINK, unfettered by your WH's moods and whims. I may be wrong, but you seem to think that you need to know EXACTLY if you want this M to continue or not. YOU DO NOT NEED TO MAKE THAT DECISION NOW. Really you don't.

I agree so much with Cat. Separating is the ONLY thing that can POSSIBLY wake this guy up. You have tried everything else. He seems oblivious and possibly incapable(at least at this time) of true empathy.

And if it is hard on him financially...well too bad. That is the natural consequence of bad behavior. No matter how difficult it may be for you, you have to stop protecting him from his consequences if there is ANY hope of a real marriage.

Praying,
WH2LE

How are you KLD? Thinking about you.

Praying,
WH2LE

Hey WH2LE - thanks for checking on me. I'm doing okay. I took WH out to dinner tonight, but we ended up going to a different place than our first date restaurant. Good food and we actually had a decent time. WH was in a fairly good mood.

After we got home my mom called to wish him happy birthday. He wouldn't talk to her. I felt bad about that, but I know I don't control their relationship. Mom didn't get mad, she understood. She didn't really expect him to talk to her but she didn't want him to be ignored by my side of the family on his birthday. I appreciate that.

He seemed in a down mood after that. I hate it, but again I don't control his moods. I did the best I could to celebrate his birthday given the circumstances. I haven't told him I love him in a while and I did that tonight. I also decided to get him a gift - please don't stone me!!! LOL. I just couldn't be so cold as to not get a gift for him. Even if we end up separated soon - and I believe we will - I just couldn't be that cold to him on his birthday. I actually feel good about how I handled it. I decided that I don't care how he responds, I wanted to show him he's important to me in a tangible way.

I do realize where we are and why we're where we are. I'm planning for the next steps, but I'm not there yet. I will be soon, but not today.

I got a message from the consulting firm I was waiting to hear from and they have a project for me. So, if I decide to do that, I'll have a job in the next 2 weeks. Also, I've had 2 interviews this week with one tomorrow and one Monday. So, I think something will happen on the job front very soon since there are 5 possibilities in different stages. I'm starting to feel less stress already!

So, what are you doing for your FWH for his birthday?

Ah KLD, Good for you!! You sound very peaceful. It's so good to be true to who you really are. No one can take that away from you.

Your mother sounds very classy!! I see where you have learned it. And I'm sure she has learned something from you, about grace, in the midst of this horror.

Plan A is indeed about not caring how the other responds. What is that song????? Do it Anyway??? Can't remember..... Anyway, I think it fits here.

Again, I find it interesting that he is feeling down. He SHOULD feel down. He has screwed up his life BIG TIME. I am hoping that he is pondering his fate even as we speak.

My FWH and I are doing interesting things for his bday. I don't know if I mentioned that he has a disability that prevents him from driving. Well, sometimes I like to do something that makes him feel LIKE he can drive. We are just going to get in the car and DRIVE till he feels like stopping. Complete control over the where and how far and how long. I hope the weather is good for it.

Also, a cake and a few small gifts and dinner wherever we stop. I can't find a card though. Nothing is quite appropriate. Maybe next year. I do love him so much. I pray that there will be a next year and a next and many more nexts. Sigh. Some days the roller coaster is so wild......

Such good news on the job front!!! Keep us informed.

Hang in there.

Praying,
WH2LE

WH2LE - It made me feel so good to hear you say that you love your H so much. I'm hoping that his birthday is good for both of you. The road trip sounds like fun. It's a really thoughtful gift for you to give him. He's a very lucky man and I hope he is doing better at realizing it!

I hate to say it, but I do wish my WH had been happier about my effort to make his birthday important. I understand I don't have control over that and that it's probably a sign that he's thinking about his life. Birthdays are indeed a good time for reflection and maybe that's what he's doing. I probably will never know, though. That's frustrating, but reality.

At any rate, I do feel good about how I ended up handling it. I tried to be good to him and I am happy that I didn't ignore the day. I know I did the right thing for me.