Your story is so annoying, Who - your FWH was trying to be a bigshot with the money you brought into the household. I think the same thing was happening with my WH. Our salaries have always been about equal and we've both been quite successful, but when he wasn't working my salary was doing all the heavy lifting. It makes me so angry that these men (and sometimes women) think it's okay to spread their money to the OP. Why do they think that's okay?

I am trying to be practical about things now. I don't believe WH will ever be willing to recover our M. It's too much work and he isn't up to it. No matter what he will lose in the process of D. So, if he can't stay then I will do all I can to get a good settlement. I'm not willing to walk away with only my half of our stuff and money after he decided to cheat, give away our money to a gold-digger, lie, and walk out on our M when it got tough.

WH2LE - You're so wonderful to keep up with my thread and post so many helpful things to me. I appreciate it very much.

It actually helps alot to know that the things he's saying has been said before. It helps me remember that he's full of crap and only looking for the easy way out. He says he understands the misery he's caused. He says he is filled with so much guilt that he can't see past it. I do believe he feels guilt, but I don't think it's keeping him from continuing to lie and cheat. That's one thing I just don't get - how you can continue with behavior that has ruined a M and probably your life??

HTH - I agree that if he is the one who wants the D then he's the one who needs to do the work to get one. He's not willing to do the work to keep the M, so he should at least have to do the work to get the D.

My struggle is that I'm trying to make decisions that will benefit my future. If I'd end up with a better settlement while I don't have a job, I wonder if I'm better off to go ahead and file. On the other hand, I go back to the fact that he's the one dying to leave the M.

I agree that I can still move without being D. That may be how this goes.

Perhaps you can get a free consult with an attorney to see if filing first affects any sort of settlement. Then, if not, how about a strong plan B? You kinda skipped that one....

It might help- maybe your marriage, definitely you.

HTH

He wants you to file because:

a) he wants to be able to say YOU divorced him;
b) he wants you to pay for it;
c) it's too much work on the relationship (even if it is ending it); and
d) it would make him face the reality of the destruction he's caused.

Good grief. His statements are nothing new. I want. I want. I want. Me. Me. Me.

I think for now you just need to focus on getting your life together, finding a job, etc.

KEEP all the evidence you have so far in case it does get to D. If he's wanting to file for OW's benefit, then she may convince him to go after everything.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. (((KLD)))

KLD,

I agree with princessmeggy. He wants YOU to be the bad guy. Poor man. His loving, loyal wife might dump him because he was so cruel and unfaithful. Where's the justice?(Please excuse the sarcasm.)

It might be a good idea to see if filing first or not makes any difference. If not, then is there really any reason to get it done fast? As someone who has been divorced, I can tell you that the pain is still pain, no matter how fast or slow it gets done.

You could take your time, get a job, move, do EVERYTHING you need to do for yourself and then let him have his D if he is so insistent or if you realize that this is NOT the man you want to be married to any longer. Again, Plan B so that you do not have to have direct contact.

You have been so diligent and efficient about getting information that a lawyer's job shouldn't be too hard on your behalf.

IMHO, the only time it ever seems that a D should be done fast is if someone is planning on getting married again right away.... Oh wait.... that's when it should go ESPECIALLY slow.

One of THE major problems with D in America is that it CAN happen fast. Unfortunately, the few times it probably should happen fast(abuse, when one partner is completely draining the other financially, etc.) it drags on and on. Sigh.

You are so strong. Don't be afraid to give in to your grief a little. Grief can help you.

Praying
WH2LE

I see it that he is trying to make me be the bad guy at least as much as is possible. I called the lawyer I chose today and she tells me that it doesn't matter which of us files. She said that not my not having a job could help negotiate a better settlement, but that isn't guaranteed.

So, I plan to wait and see what happens next. I didn't expect him to push for filing before I get a job and I don't know what he will do next.

I feel so uncomfortable at the thought of trying to behave like things are okay between us. Example - today I didn't plan dinner as I normally would because I just don't feel like cooking and I especially don't feel like doing anything for him. He called a few minutes ago on his drive home asking if I wanted him to pick something up for dinner. I can't believe he can be nice to me on the surface while he's totally screwed me over as my husband by having an A and deciding to divorce me when I need stability and support the most.

I plan to go out on my own tomorrow and see a movie and just do some things I want to do on my own. I'm looking forward to that.

Sorry for the things you are going through. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's hard to go through these kinds of things, and not have it get to you. Your attitude looks good "on paper." I hope you can do as well emotionally as we hope you can.

Wishing you a good weekend. Prayers continue in your behalf........ may God be with you.

SS

KLD,

This is how he gets his "fix" of YOU. This is why Plan B might be really good. He will no longer get any contact with you. At all. No fix. No convincing himself that he is a nice guy because he offers to get you dinner in "your time of need".

Enjoy the movie. Oh, and when you go out, DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE GOING OR WHERE YOU ARE GOING. IF he asks(he WILL), tell him that you are going out. That's ALL!!!! No matter what he asks or says. Just say OUT. And SMILE. Do not even say goodbye. As a matter of fact, I do not think you should even answer his calls AT ALL.

Praying
WH2LE

I so agree with WH2LE. Be the one who keeps HIM guessing! He deserves to go crazy wondering. As for your post, please consider NOT doing for him. Anything. You've pretty much reached the point where you're moving forward with your life, so why do you need to cater to him any more, especially after all he's done? You DON'T! If you have to live in the same house, do so, but don't live WITH him, you know? That's just rewarding him, and he doesn't deserve it right now. From what I can see, he's not having to suffer one bit, and I know this isn't about revenge, but some people simply don't 'get it' until they are suffering. Right now, with his lying, he does not deserve any niceness or wifeliness or even any consideration from you. Pretend he's not there, and live your life. Stop treating him like the husband you try to preserve because, right now, he isn't.

KLD,

How are you?

Praying still,
WH2LE

WH2LE - Thanks so much for checking on me. It means alot.

I'm okay so far this week. Very confused about what WH is looking for, though many would probably tell me that I'm a fool to be confused. His wayward behavior has made things very clear - not confusing at all.

Thursday night WH wanted to talk about next steps for D. It was extremely emotional for me. Friday night he told me he would be working all day Saturday and that he had plans to go out with some guys from work. He said he would probably get a hotel room on Saturday night and be home some time on Sunday. I guess I picked a fight about that. I told him that I didn't appreciate it one bit that he was lying again and that it was very clear his plan was to see OW for the weekend. I told him that I will not make it easy for him to continue his A while he is still married to me and that I will not make it easy for him to D me, either.

One of the things I said to him when I was very angry was that this has been easy for him and that I wasn't going to keep making it easy. He took great exception to the comment that this has been easy for him. He said he knows he's responsible for his actions, lousy decisions, and poor judgement but that none of this was easy for him. He knows he's hurt me and he is having great difficulty dealing with the guilt. He told me that he's even considered suicide because he believes things would be better if he just wasn't here any more. I didn't and still don't know how to handle that revelation. I did say that one way to deal with his guilt is to stop the bahavior that caused it to start with and start being the kind of person he knows he should be. He just denied that he was planning to see OW over the weekend.

Saturday night he was agreeable, talkative, and fun. We watched a movie on PPV. Sunday he was in a great mood and talked about things we needed to do around the house and in the yard. Yesterday he was the same. The confusion part comes in where I don't understand the talk of the future when he wants a D. He may be just falling back on habit and waiting for a better time to get back to D talk.

He ended up not going anywhere on Saturday. I went to the mall for a few hours alone and had a very nice afternoon with myself.

The job search is going okay. I've had some hits on my resume and my networking is getting better. I've had a few interviews and am waiting on next steps with 3 opportunities right now.

WH has his 46th birthday on Thursday. I will probably get him a card and take him to dinner. I've always tried to make his birthday special. This year, I just don't know what to do. I know I won't scour the north side of Atlanta to get him the perfect gift, but I don't want the day to pass uncelebrated. He still is my H and I do still love him. Suggestions?

boiling in oil???? Just kidding. I think a card and dinner is more than enough for a cake-eating WH. More than he deserves. IMVHO

Funny one, HTH. I think WH thinks I've already given him the gift of boiling him in oil!!!

I probably will settle on a card and dinner out. I actually was thinking of taking him to the restaurant where we had our first date. Wonder if he'd think I was being dramatic?? LOL

I agree, dinner and a card should be more than appropriate.

FWIW, good luck finding the "right" card under the circumstances. I still have trouble finding something that doesn't make me cringe, and we are recovered.

You are still officially in plan A so I think it would be fine. But I still say plan B is where you need to be headed....

Who - I've been worried about finding the right card - I've put off even looking because I dread the process of going through all the ones I'd love to be able to give him to find the one that's suitable for what's going on now.

HTH - I know that Plan B is the logical next step and that Plan A has lasted a very long time. Our circumstances with me out of work right now don't make it easy to do a Plan B. I have been thinking of ways I can do a PLan B while I'm not working, but haven't found a solution I'm comfortable with yet. I need to feel like I don't have to worry about living expenses and as long as he and I are in the same house I don't have to worry about that. I couldn't take that stress right now and I need to focus on finding a job.

KLD,

So good to hear from you!!! I have to tell you that I don't know HOW you can find a good card for your WH. How about just dinner, at a place YOU like?!?!

My FWH's birthday is Saturday and I hate to admit it but I am having a terrible time with it. I have tried looking at cards and just can't find the right one.

WhoMe, you made me feel better about it though if you are still having trouble at this stage.

H's birthday is a bit of a trigger actually. Last year for his big 5-0, I bought him an expensive bicycle that he had been drooling over. He picked it out and let me make payments on it and the whole time he was cheating. Acted like this was just fine and the sort of thing a good wifey-wife SHOULD do for her husband(uh,....no...not bitter at all.....truthfully, I AM working on the bitterness. It just rears it's ugly head sometimes).

In addition, this is the same time we(actually again, *I*) were fighting the scourge of an STD that he brought home to me( I give him a bicycle, he gives me an STD....fair exchange I guess). Left to his devices we would STILL be fighting it.

AND, we were nearing our Anniversary to be quickly followed by D-Day.

You know, KLD, I think that instead of celebrating our H's birthdays I should come to Atlanta and WE should go to dinner at a great place. I would invite you here but it's still cold and there are no leaves on the trees and Atlanta looks MUCH nicer right now.

I DO love my FWH. It's just this recovery roller-coaster.

Sorry to TJ KLD.

Pleae know that you are in my prayers.
WH2LE

Personally? I'd go out by myself and leave him at home. Let him experience a little bit of pain for once.

KLD,

Back to your thread now. It is confusing to hear him talk because he is SO foggy. He is not dealing in reality at all. He still thinks that he can continue the double life.

I find it interesting that he lied to you, you called him on it and then he did not go away.

When you are able to do it, if he is still a WH, Plan B is going to be sooooooo effective. Who knows what it will do for your WH, but for YOU it's going to work wonders!!!! Do you see how effective you were in just calling him out on a lie???

My big suggestion(IMVVVHO, trust me) is that you stop thinking about what HE wants in terms of a D. HE DOESN"T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS and can't be trusted anyway. Think only, only, only about what you want. YOU can be trusted.

Praying,
WH2LE