Yeah, I know TMI.

Thanks guys, for checking in. Went out for a happy hour with my work crew. One of our coworkers went into labor while we were out, which was good for her; she's been on bed rest for a few weeks and was ready to POP!

Went out with some girs from work after (and I mean GIRLS, early 20 somethings). They took me to a meat market where all the guys are my age, but are looking for 20 somethings. EWWWWW. I was ready to go as soon as I stepped foot in the door. I don't need this place making me feel old. Geez! I'm 36 and I felt OLD and too far beyond that place. I was more in the mood for good Tapas and wine, than this place. OY!

I left within 30minutes. The drive home was nice. There was lotsa heat lightning in the evening sky, which I LOVE. Reminds me of Atlanta when I was a kid. Anyway, to really drive home that I was out of my element, all 80's music was playing on my local station, and I knew every song and all the words. I kept shaking my head at how out of my realm I was at that meat market. It's just sooo sophomoric compared to what I want. I really am too old for that stuff. Not what I thought we were going to do.

So, I'm home now, eating leftover spaghetti. Awww, the single life.

I'm not the least bit sad. I'm just like "oh, yeeeeah, THAT'S why I don't go out to those places--what a waste of time".

I have much more fun laughing and talking to peops that I know.

Hey Chris, I think Joe vs. the Volcano is one of the strangest and coolest movies Meg Ryan made with Tom Hanks.

gosh SL, I think I would have hated every guy in there just for the fact they were in there looking for 20 somethings! I have been put to the back burner way too many times by men who want the ego stroking of a 20 something, my exh included. Nothing gets to me more than that. Makes me feel so "old" and and I don't know, unwanted when men do that. Good for you for leaving. I think if any of them had talked to me I would have had some sarcastic to say.

You know, I enjoy being single. I did date someone for a year and I learned a lot from it. It ended painfully, but in hindsite am glad it ended. I learned a lot about me and the areas I still need to work on from the experience. I don't want to be single forever, mind you. I would love to have another baby in fact. But right now, I am still becoming who I want to be. And building the life I want.
And when I pray I pray that when the time is right God will put the exact man he wants me to have into my life. And I trust in that.

It is hard getting over multiple A's and getting over that an H returned simply because it was the path of least resistance for HIM. But you will do it. And I totally relate to the sense of relief of him moving out. I had my ups and downs for quite some time after I made my ex leave. BUT, I finally got to the point where I could sleep at night not having to wonder where he was, or who he was with, or if he would even come home. (and mine was sleeping on the couch too). It does become a relief.

When I see my ex now, I just don't know who he is. I don't know him at all. And the person I am now, if we had met now, I would not have even had an interest in dating him. We have nothing in common, no shared beliefs, nothing. I simply do not know him anymore. Makes me wonder if I ever did.....

mlhb

You know, mlhb, I don't hate those guys. They want what they want. There are others out there who want what I want, and anyway, I don't have a desire to go out and FIND anybody, either. Not that I don't enjoy the company of a good man, it's just not time for that right now. I, first, need a divorce.

In honesty, I was gettin glances here and there, but, again, I'm not looking, but the other girls in my group were. I dunno, it's just not what I want to spend my time doing. I'd rather be gettin glances at a baseball game or while playing frisbee. Just not my scene, man.

I hope to get to a place where I at least don't twinge when I think about PWC with his newest lady, not that there is one yet, that I know of. I hope to get to a better place with that. It stings more because he NEVER gave me a chance, because I took work, but some other lady will be ushered in and lavished with his affections, without even so much of a whisper of being angry to have to 'work' at it. Meh, whadya gonna do?

I hope to get to a better place with it all. I think time and darkness will help a great deal.


I know, me too. I'm trying to look at myself in all this, though. I chose him.

SL-
I have now had the opportunity to see my exh and his gf on several occasions. I was a thinking that I would react horribly, but I DIDN'T. I had gotten to a place where I knew that I never wanted him back, and it was ok. It will take time, but I think that you are well on your way...

What is funny now too is that if I were to run into him as he is now, I would not choose to even date him. A lot of the qualities that I liked in him when were first met, he does not have anymore.

I know, I am 36 too, and some of my friends wanted to drag me out to bars that had dancing, and all. I went ONE time with them, and I felt like I was everyone's MOM... everyone seemed so young, thin, and all the girls were scantily clad... it was a ego deflater for me!! I, stayed with them the whole time, since I did not drive. Never again! LOL!

Good morning SL!!!! I hope you had a GREAT weekend! I can't imagine going out to the bars/whereever with the 'young' crowd! UGH! WAYYYYYY to much for this old gal!

Just wanted to wish you a HAPPY DAY! It's a brand new week with ALL kinds of great adventures for you! (((SL)))

Morning SL, just thought i would drop by and give you a little "HELLO" this morning and hoping your weekend went well.

Has your DS stayed with PWC yet? Is he taking things better this time around? I really can not imagine what goes through kids heads, i mean my parents were together until the day they died and so far me and my hubby have been together for ours and they are practically grown. Unfortunately alot of them go through it and things seem to be okay as long as BOTH parents are involved in their lives. I KNOW that YOU will let your son know how much he means to you.

Hope you have a GREAT week.

Good morning ladies!

DS spent the weekend with PWC. It was good to have the time alone. I did miss DS by yesterday morning, but I knew he was coming home in the afternoon, so it gave me something to look forward to.

When he got home, he was crying because he bumped his head, but then he said he didn't want to talk and cried for a bit, maybe 5 minutes; it was mostly that little sad whine that kids do (and some adults, too). He said that he like daddy's house and he didn't like ours. Poor kid, having to readjust. I knew that was what it was, just by his body language.

After a little bit of time, some karate moves, and a little swordplay, he was right as rain.

Now, as for the girls night out, meh, it's no big deal, it just drove home how much more mature I was than those ladies. It's just a different state of mind. My ego wasn't deflated or anything; it does make a girl think about her outside quite a bit, but I didn't let it have much of an impact. I'm not on the prowl, so I think I was just bored.

I really do enjoy going out, just not to that type of place. It was loud enough that we were yelling and mouthing words to hold a two line conversation. Unless I'm at a concert--Bleh! not my thing. It's cool, though. All good.

I got some of my annuals planted; still much more to do. Little by little as the budget allows. The lawn is mowed--already needs to be mowed again--dang grass! The house is clean. Next up, the flower beds need some grooming.

I had some tears yesterday, but I couldn't pin point why. My broter stopped by, and actually talked to me about my sitch. He hasn't done that in nearly two years. He's angry with PWC, but who knows how long that will last. Even he believes PWC had it made here, and is a jerk for doing what he did. Meh, one minute I think PWC is an arsehole, the next, I could give two [censored]. I get some angries, here and there, but I shake my head and move on. I could sit and fester in it, but what good does that do for ME.

The tears sound normal to me. SEE YOU ARE NORMAL! And YOU are healing because you DIDN'T linger there!

The little guy will adjust. Just is sooooooooooo hard to watch.

SL keep your chin up! You are leaps and bounds ahead of so many AND with a positive attitude. WAY TO GO!

If and when the new lady is ushered in, it's only a matter of time that she will have to face PWC and his issues. He will take himself with him wherever he goes and whatever relationship he gets into next..those issues don't go away without working on them... You have continued to work on yourself and better yourself, the person lucky enough to win your heart in the future will be blessed to find someone who's a buyer not a renter or a freeloader. You deserve the best SL..and I'm sure you and your DS will have a happy and bright futute. ETA: Not to say that you are even thinking about finding anyone now..of course everything takes time and you are doing the right thing by focusing on yourself and your son. I also agree that darkness and time will promote healing. Best wishes to you.

I'm with mvg, the tears do seem NORMAL, heck not that i know what NORMAL is even if there is such a thing LOL! And hopefully you AND PWC will make things as good as they can be under the circumstances and your DS will be just fine.

It’s all a matter of perspective I guess. Wayzilla is 46 and hanging out at tattoo parlors, getting various bits pierced and going to Kid Rock concerts. Yuck! That has to be pretty!


The growing season in Denver is one day LESS than Duluth Minnesota. We typically can not start until Mother’s Day weekend. I am jealous. I did work on two new beds this weekend for wildflowers.


I won’t be doing that for another week or two.


Because PWC is an idiot arsehole.

DS sounds fine. Remember he is a lot older now than when he was visiting his Dad during Plan B. This last false recovery was fully 20% of DS’s entire life.



Prowling is boring too.

I think you should expect some revisited roller coaster, but I also think you will settle into a place of much greater peace than you were at before.

Do you have a bunch of stuff built up that you were protecting PWC from? All your frustrations over what he was able to do and what he was able to show you?

If so, I would say ride the roller coaster and let yourself feel it. Don't let it drag you under and dominate your day, but don't completely dismiss it, either.

My roses are blooming--last week I started bringing flowers to people at work.

(((SL)))

Like I said, I'm just much more mature than that, and not in the haughty, "Oh, pashaw, I'm sooooo much more mature than you cretans". It's more of a philosophical age thingy. I have already done the tatoo hangin out in bars thingy, and it wasn't even my thingy THEN. I'm 36 years old. I wanna experience life as a WOMAN, not a child. It's much more appealing to me . I dunno if that explains it well. I'm no wordsmith.




Yes, well, great minds think alike, because that is what I was saying after the tears dried . It wasn't really a deluge, so much as a trickle here and there; just enough to piss me off that I was still FEELING something for him. He came thru my life with a wrecking ball, and I'm CRYING for him. YUCK! The crying wasn't for him, it's for the person I THOUGHT he was, or had always HOPED he was, or even for the change in life that I'm experiencing . A little fear here and there. I'm not going to sit and dissect it all right now.

DS was fine after about 30 minutes of weirdness. I just told him that he could talk about it if he wanted (whatever IT is), that I would listen. He just said that he didn't like his home, he liked daddy's place. I said that's okay. I know there are things at his dad's that are more exciting, and his dad is THERE (the feature he probably misses most about our home--daddy isn't there).

Today, he was back to picking me flowers (from my flower bed, BEFORE they fully bloom) and asking me to wear them on my clothes or behind my ear. Sweet kid.


Good to know I'm not alone on that one. Refer back to the 'maturity' thingy.

Morning SL, just wanted to drop by and check in on you. Hope you are doing okay.

Internet went down yesterday, for no apparent reason. PWC restored it today, so he had to come by. NO biggie really. It was actually an easy fix, that just slipped my mind yesterday. I had been busy all day, outside, working in the garden, mowing the lawn, watering stuff, playing with the dogs, going to the park. I was so exhausted by the time I figured out it was down, I was just irked by it. Called the ISP (no problems on their end), then resorted to calling PWC. Meh, whatev. It's all fixed now.

It's on and off raining here today, so I cleaned the house, did some laundry and am going to go to the grocery store to stock up.

DS is settling in quite nicely. He knows when he will be with his dad, and that's just fine with him. Not many tears. It's really a relief. When he's sad or misses his dad, he tells me. When he's angry, he usually doesn't "want to talk about it". HE usually will talk after his ire subsides, so he's talkin, and that is the most I can ask for.

I'm doing well. Had a mini MOMENT yesterday, when I was toiling over the internet crap, but recovered quickly (you know the kind, "Well, if PWC were HERE, this is his bread n butter and he would have this solved, and we would be a happy family and blahbetty blah blah"). It was an UNREASONABLE thought, considering how horrible life has been this last year, so I vanquished it immediately. I haven't felt this good in a long time, so mini moments like that pass quickly. I really do feel some relief.

I am still living in my home (for however long that lasts) and DS is doing well (I am sooooo grateful), the sun is shining, the flowers are blooming, the grass is growing, the temps a risin. So, I'm alone. no biggie. I've done this before. I have noticed, however, that my longing for male companionship has risen. In the past, when PWC left, I longed for his return. Now that I know what returns the longing for HIM isn't so high. It's natural, I suppose, that I would long for some lovins, so I take care of business, as it were, and keep movin along.

you are living my life now SL!

It isn't bad really. I rather like it.

mlhb

Hi SL,

Catching up on your thread....you said this a few pages back....


EXAAACCTTTLY how I feel.....

Life is not what we EXPECTED it to be.... it is MORE... IMPERFECTION and all! ....I am not DISAPPOINTED...in fact, I am in AWE of it all.... as IN FACT....reality surpasses by a long shot anything we could have possibly IMAGINED!

....the good, the bad and the ugly!

Hang in there, SL.... the ride is not over!

((((((((((((((SL)))))))))))))))))

Lord, I hope not! A coaster with lower hills and more shallow valleys would be okay with me, though. I'm just happy to have my head together. I feel much more healthy these days. I have also found that a side effect to all this mess, is that I'm open to hearing what others have to say and incorporate change quite easily. I figure, I'm surviving one of the worst tragedies we come across in this life, I'm not going to go about FEARING what comes next.

I dunno, there will still be tough days. I'm not going to say DARK days. I don't like that turn of phrase. It's negative and unnecessarily frightening. Hopefully, I've got many more years ahead of me, to live and love.

Around the time the D happens, there will be stress and a new batch of pains to crop up, I'm sure of it. I'm not afraid of it. Hopefully, I will meet this next challenge with a whole lot more grace than when Ddays occurred. We'll see...

well, maybe by the time you get to divorce you will be indifferent.
it took me about a year or so to get to "indifferent" after i threw ex out but i did get there. maybe closer to 2 years. but, by the time he finally served me with divorce papers (i couldn't afford to do it and i paid for the legal sep, he should have to pay for SOMETHING)i was jumping for joy. i was like "finally, lets just get this thing over with all ready".

indifference, for me anyway, is a good place to be.
i hope you get there one day too, once you have healed and moved away from the feelings you are at now.

mlhb

Spoken like the True Godddess you are and that I so admire!

SL, you are doing so well! I love hearing how you are embracing the future for you & DS! It's a wonderful future, too!