Hello,
I am new here, and reason why I am is because I need some answers that I have been unable ton find my self.
I cheat my wife, twice, the first time was 8 years ago and she never new about it until I told her. The reason why I cheated that time in my mind is because it was an old girlfriend and I let my self go into her history and problems, that I could not stopped the A last lest than a month and it was only sex a couple times….

I told my wife and our marriage almost ended, but she forgot me in a matter of two days..
Now 8 years after, I cheat again with a coworker during 6 or 7 months and my wife was the one who discovered the affair. That was three months ago and we have been on individual therapy. My wife pretty much have made the decision of getting divorce. I would like to continue my marriage and try to have my life back. I love my wife and the funny thing is that after the A was discovered we have been closer than ever in many ways, we talk we have an excellent sex life and some times I found that very estrange given the circumstances.
My wife keep asking me what was the reason why I cheat, and my answer is the classical clicl’e that I let my self go, that it was the moment that I did not have SF at home, but no more than that.
I wrote several emails to the OW and one of those was caught by my wife and it was a very romantic letter. My wife is sure I was in love with OW, but I am sure I was not.. I was infatuated. I am afraid I will lost the love of my live for an stupidity and an act of immaturity.
I know it does not make sense what I did, but I am trying to get to the bottom of this and at least be able to provide an answer that my wife deserves. I regret what I did, I regret the pain I gave her. The least I can do is to provide answers and I don’t have the main reason why I did it. I believe it was SF, and not being strong enough to the temptation, but it should be more than just that.. I need the help of someone that can give me some light on this situation. I want to rescue my marriage and my life… I need help.

Thanks

Josef

Josef,

I suggest you read the information on the MB site regarding the dynamics of affairs. It may help you see some of the things that happened with you that led you to make the decision to have an affair.

I recommend that you pick up copies of Surviving An Affair, His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters and read them. They will help you begin to develop a plan to try and save your marriage.

You may also want to consider scheduling phone counseling thru the MB site, they are excellent.

You also need to establish boundaries for your self that don't allow you to put yourself in a position that will provide the temptation to behave inappropriately.

Who

Josef, the question 'Why did I cheat?' is kind of easy to answer. You cheated because there was opportunity, you were tempted, and the barriers that should have been in place were not there.

A harder question to answer is 'Why didn't I not cheat?' Can you see the difference?

Do you think cheating is a wise thing to do?

If not, can you list the reasons why cheating is bad for you/your wife/your OWs/your family/the world?

Could you have foreseen these bad consequences if you'd really given it some thought before the As?

If you could have foreseen at least some of them, why didn't you? What's your mechanism for hiding from your conscience?

How did you give yourself permission to break your vows?

Why you did what you did is important ONLY if you're planning to use that knowledge to make yourself a man of integrity and character in the future. Waving 'an unhappy childhood' or 'communication problems' in front of your wife is not much use to her.

TA

Let me tell you what the reason is not.

It's not your wife. She didn't decide to cheat for you. So if any part of your answer even appears to blame her, then you have not arrived at the correct answer.

It was a decision you made, so the answer is totally in you, not any other person. Not your wife, no the OW, not stress at work.

The answer is 100% in you.

Now find the specifics and address what ever is wrong with you that makes you think this is acceptable behavior ever.

I know the answer is on me and not in my wife. I have never try to blame her. I am kind of tired of the therapy and the self questions about why this and why that..... I my mind I did cheat because I was weak and because I was not totally happy at least with my SF on my marriage, but at least to me and I am sure to my wife those answer are not enough. I don’t know if it is an anger reaction or lack of self steam or a constant need for approval... It is complicated and frustrating not to be able to find the real answer. I pray every day and I ask my self every minute for the light that will help me to understand why I did it. I agree with the comment that probably my conviction for the marriage was not big enough, but my feelings tell me that my love for my wife is huge.
I say my self and to my wife that I will not do it again. Of course she does not believe me, but I am convinced my self that I will never be on the same situation. It is painful , it is not fair with all the people around and simply it is not worth it.

I have done all the exercise about her need and my needs. I have also identified the love busters. I bought a book call the liars and I am trying my best with actions not with words to prove to her that I can do it, but is not enough. Now I am in a different city for a work assignment during a couple weeks, because she wants me out of our home during a period of time. I am trying to give her space, but I don’t see how this will contribute to improve our situation, if I am not at home talking to her. I feel empty and alone. I feel I have no moral to do my job or even to some times to talk to people. I have disclosure the information about the affair to a several friends so they will treat me for what I really am and not for what they think I am. I don’t know what else to do to prove to my wife that I will not do it again. I believe I have to let her heal the wounds on her own. I feel deeply sorry and if I could I will convince every person of that is about to cheat of the huge mistake they are about to do.

I need to find the peace on me and some times I feel that the books and the exercises are not the answers. I wish the therapy will help me, but I dont knnow how to focus my therapist in the way I need.

Thanks for your responses to my questions

regards

josef

To all,
First thanks for your replies.

I came from my therapy today and I found a couple things that are very enlighten and I hope they will help me to better understand.
It was identified that I have a problem of need of excitement, a problem of not thinking in the consequences and also a problem by socializing.
It is clear that I have been a lonely all my life, even if I am always surrounded by people. I believe I was lonely even in my marriage and I had a hard time trying to communicate the important things I had inside. My escape route was coward and wrong, but I did it and there is nothing I can do to change the past. I can do things and improve to make sure I wont repeat the history of my family and my father to be more specific.

I would like to know if some one has experience the same type of problems and if someone has experience dealing with people that does not think on the consequences of their actions. This may sound childish, but that is how I felt.


I will be waiting for your answers. I apologize if I am not clear on my comments and if there are questions that you may need to better understand my situation, please make them and I will answer them the best I can.

I am tired of going on and on inside my head that some times I don’t see more of an answer and I get frustrated. I am doing everything I can to find the real reason and that way try to explain that to my self and to my wife who deserve a real answer. Even if she doesn’t want to be with me any more I want to give her the peace of mind that she deserves, so she can get going with her life. I want to continue with her, I want another opportunity, but some times even me I think I don’t deserved. I would do everything to get my life back, but if I cant then I have to do everything to be sure I wont cause this pain again. I love my wife, I fell sorry for what I did, but I have not being able to forgive my self, so is hard for me to ask for her forgiveness. Any advise?? Should I keep trying to get her back. What can I do?

Thanks for your responses to my questions

regards

josef

To the people that have replied or comment on my posting,

I found your comments very pertinent and I was wondering if you could let me know your comments or advise on my latest post. I have a couple questions there I would like to be enlighten or pointed on the right direction.
I am sorry to bother you with my request.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Best regards,

Josef

Josef,

I don't have a similar problem personally, but didn't want your request to not be responded to.


IMHO, if you are aware of these issues and do not feel that you have yet acquired the capability of self control, then the best bet is to simply not put yourself in situations where you will be tempted to act without considering the consequences.

Solid personal boundaries will help protect you from your lack of self control and poor judgement.

Who

WhoMe,

Thanks a lot for your reply. I have made the list that will put boundaries to avoid problems in the future. That is a very valuable recommendation.
If possible could you please tell me more about your own experience and how you dealt with the process.also I am curious as how your Husband implemented the actions to put boundaries and how you were able to actually believe in him and his commitment


Regards,

Josef