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#2039674 04/08/08 02:23 PM
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I was thinking last night.. (while I couldn't sleep) that I hadn't seen a thread on triggers.. I did some searching.. (maybe I'm not searching hard enough) but I thought it might help future and current BS's and WS's to have a list of the things considered triggers to those more experienced.

Some might be hard to talk about, if talking about your triggers is a trigger.. sorry! (don't talk about it.. :-))

Here are a few of mine:

1) Adultery in any movie or TV show.. weather it's glorified or not, I empathize with the BS and it can put me into a blue mood.

2) Having my FWW talk about OM, or remember something they did while we are doing it later on.

3) Nightmares.. I have them, others probably do too.. had one last night.

4) FWW wearing something I know OM found particularly attractive on her, even though I might find it attractive too.

This thread is for BS's and WS's.. It will help me a lot if I can understand the types of things that trigger WS's.. and hopefully mine will help WS's with their BS's.

FWW does a good job of avoiding my triggers if she can. I try my hardest to avoid the ones of hers that I know about. However identifying them can be a painful process.


BH - me - 29
WW - 28
Married 07/2001
D-Day #2 - 03/01/2008
03/22/2008 - NC Established
05/??/2008 - NC Broken (I think)
07/01/2008 - WW 'Unsure of what she wants to do'
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D-day for me was just over 2 yrs ago. Everything was a trigger in the beginning but I'll list the ones that were the worst for me.

Here were some of my triggers...
1) Music because my FWH and OW listened to music when they were together.

2) Romance, adultry in movies.

3) The drive home from work. H and OW met on some of the roads I have to drive by. I still have panic attacks on a 3 mile stretch of hiway.

4) SF - I still have images pop in my head of H and OW together.

5) Any yardwork - I planted flowers, shrubs, etc. during my H's A. He didn't notice until months after D-Day.

6) The model of car the OW owns.

7) H's cell phone. He and OW talked many times a day.

8) Paying bills. Bills went unpaid because he spent many thousands of $$$ on OW.

Just a few here.


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WS/(H) EA 3+ yrs?, PA 1 yr?
D-Day 2006
children grown
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Walking through my own front door...every single time.

Hearing OM's name in any context.

Any TV show or movie in which 2 characters, even single ones, are beginning a new romance OR just "hooking up".

Being anywhere near the places I know they met.

Seeing a vehicle like OM's, and there are a ton of them.

Sometimes my own daughter, since it took a paternity test to verify that she is mine.

This site, and others like it.

Sex, sometimes.

Lack of sex, sometimes.

My wife's business attire...I made her throw out all of the work clothes she wore over a 3.5 year period.

My furniture...it has since been replaced.

Living in the same city/state as OM.


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Anything purchased for me by my wife during the affair - especially Christmas, anniversary, birthday gifts. Most have been thrown away by now.

Staying with my wife in a hotel - they did that once (stupid, I know).

Anytime my wife uses a word or phrase she didn't pick up from me - that happened a lot then and I didn't know where she was getting it.

Seeing my best friend - I was visiting him when it became a PA. I found out when I returned.

Airports. She took me to the airport when it was a EA - by the time she picked me up three days later it was a PA and I was about to be told.

Art Garfunkel or Paul Simon - while the affair was going on, she bought CDs by them. I have no idea if there was a connection, but she never buys CDs. I threw them away. Years later I bought them for her without explanation. She's never listened to them.

A running car parked outside our house - this will send me into a panic. OMW stalked us for a while.

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Triggers;

1) Anniversary time within a couple months of discovery of affairs. I require medication during this time.

2) Any photos taken during the time frame of affairs.


Used to be I could not watch any episodes of TV's Law & Order. Was there ever an episode without adultery? Just Kidding. I got over the media's overwhelming portrayal of adultery after I realized that words, vows and promises are meaningless in today's society.

Thanks for asking!

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Originally Posted by Krazy71
Sex, sometimes.

Lack of sex, sometimes.

My wife's business attire...I made her throw out all of the work clothes she wore over a 3.5 year period.

All three of these get me sometimes. Especially the way WW dresses... I always wonder.. is she dressing for me? her co-workers? or for him.. but I don't want her to stop dressing the way she does.. because *I* like it. So it's something I have to live with I guess.


BH - me - 29
WW - 28
Married 07/2001
D-Day #2 - 03/01/2008
03/22/2008 - NC Established
05/??/2008 - NC Broken (I think)
07/01/2008 - WW 'Unsure of what she wants to do'
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Would you believe me if I told you that after 7 plus years, I had to look at a calendar to be sure of the exact anniversary of "D Day"?

That I'm sure I could remember the other woman's last name, if I thought about it, if you give me a minute.

I take that back. I'd have to go look it up.

That once in a while when I drive near her house, I remember that I used to feel creeped out there, but I don't immediately remember why.

That if my husband is late coming home, or I can't reach him on his cell, I immediately think -- "I'll bet he's working hard today and he'll be tired when he gets home" or "He's probably in someone's attic and left the phone in the van."

It isn't as if the affair never happened, but it is so distant, so much a part of the past, that it simply doesn't have any emotional impact. Like a fractured bone: horrifically painful at first, long and difficult recovery, but healed now and no longer a handicap or a hindrance.

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Thanks for reminding us why we keep going. Hard to believe we can get there sometimes.
Noticed many of the triggers are the same. Here are a few of mine

1. The pictures during that time. Why are his arms around me?
I can't look at pictures of our son's first birthday.

2. Cell phone calls that go unanswered or he'll call back later

3 Her name. Can't watch what used to be one of our favorite movies because one of the characters has her name

4. Products by the company she works for (that's how they met)

5. Somedays, pretty much anything


BS(me)37, FWH 37 ; Married 1998, Dday 2/26/07
4 kiddies- 9 years-4 months boy,girl,boy,girl
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Oh BoY! Many of these are still too fresh.

1) Her name and the name she uses in her email
2) Hotel rooms because I found where she reviewed a motel she
stayed at with my H, after he swore they'd always only gone
to her home.
3) Adultery in films and tv
4) A hilltop close to home, because he wrote an email that when
he hiked to the top of that hill is when he 'knew' he loved
OW over me.
5) Oral sex because he advertised on a sex site that was his
specialty.

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Wow, there are so many...

1. Already threw out our couch in the basement. It was the first place we kissed while in college. It was also the first place she...well, yeah. It's gone now.

2. Threw out all of her underwear, bras, and pajamas. I didn't even know if she had them all back then, but, just in case, they've ALL been replaced.

3. Thongs. She's NEVER liked wearing one for me, but wore the one OM bought for her. This one sucks...she looks GREAT in them.

4. I will never own a pop-up camper.

5. My house. We bought it during the A! Seriously! Who would buy a house with a man who's not important enough to keep her pants on?

6. My boys...born after the A. I didn't get a PT. They look like me and, either way, I'm raising them as my own. They deserve at least one honest and faithful parent.

7. The hills and fields within a 20-mile radius of our town where most of the PA happened. I have to drive through them every time we visit her parents. Yeah!

8. My bed. She says it never happened in there, but I was gone a lot of nights at work to make extra money for us. Why wouldn't they?

9. Sex and lack of of sex, both. Sex for obvious reasons, and lack of sex because that's what we had during the A. It doesn't really matter what happens at night - I'm uncomfortable either way.

10. Every time I see her naked. She is so beautiful, but I wasn't worth saving it. He got to see and touch her. It used to be just mine.

11. Her eyes. Someone else got to gaze into her beautiful eyes.

12. Every single time she goes out by herself, which is now just once a week to Bible study and sometimes to the store for a few minutes. I always wonder, though.

13. Every time the phone rings, since we check the Caller ID now for every call wondering if we should pick it up.

14. Every time I check her email account.

15. Every time I come here and wonder how my life ended up to the point where I needed to come here.

16. The entire city of New Orleans.

17. Country music. She never listened to the crap until she met him. Thankfully, she has ceased listening to it again.

Want more? I could make it at least to 100.


BH (me) - 33
FWW - 32
S - 3 & 1

Married 7/25/98
EA/PA 2/02 - 2/04
D-Day 1/23/08

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Originally Posted by Turksmom
Noticed many of the triggers are the same.

This is one of the reasons I wanted to start this thread. If we start to make a list people will know what to expect.

I told one of my friends last night that even though things are going well with FWW and I, I am looking for the pothole's in the road so I can try and avoid them the best I can.

Thanks for everyones responses.. they are great so far, keep them coming.


BH - me - 29
WW - 28
Married 07/2001
D-Day #2 - 03/01/2008
03/22/2008 - NC Established
05/??/2008 - NC Broken (I think)
07/01/2008 - WW 'Unsure of what she wants to do'
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1) His work clothes

2) The city where they met

3) Places they went together

4) Clothing stores (she was really into fashion...at least I'm saving a lot of money!)

5) Sex (this pisses me off!)

6) Him at times, although he is a new person now

7) Photo albums from that time...FWH looks so guilty in all of the pictures. Why do my family memories have to be intertwined with the pain of this..unfair.

8) I simply can't watch tv or movies because I know I would be triggered like crazy by almost anything esp. romance or affair things.



Multiple DDay's 11/07-2/08
EA/PA 11/06-2/08
NC 2/08, Recovering

FWH 41
BS(me) 37
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Originally Posted by Charynne
Would you believe me if I told you that after 7 plus years, I had to look at a calendar to be sure of the exact anniversary of "D Day"?

That I'm sure I could remember the other woman's last name, if I thought about it, if you give me a minute.

I take that back. I'd have to go look it up.

That once in a while when I drive near her house, I remember that I used to feel creeped out there, but I don't immediately remember why.

That if my husband is late coming home, or I can't reach him on his cell, I immediately think -- "I'll bet he's working hard today and he'll be tired when he gets home" or "He's probably in someone's attic and left the phone in the van."

It isn't as if the affair never happened, but it is so distant, so much a part of the past, that it simply doesn't have any emotional impact. Like a fractured bone: horrifically painful at first, long and difficult recovery, but healed now and no longer a handicap or a hindrance.

It's nice to hear that it gets better! Stories like this give us all hope that things will stop being triggers. Thanks Charynne!


BH - me - 29
WW - 28
Married 07/2001
D-Day #2 - 03/01/2008
03/22/2008 - NC Established
05/??/2008 - NC Broken (I think)
07/01/2008 - WW 'Unsure of what she wants to do'
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It does get better and things do cause triggers that don't affect you after a while.

I use to get very upset if I saw the movie "The Fog" sitting on a shelf or in a commercial. That's the movie that was playing when the EXWW cheated.

One very liberating moment for me came when I was able to pick up the movie and read the sleeve.

Do I care to see it? No. But it's existence quit being a trigger.

Other things are triggers, though. Kids can be triggers depending on what happens that affects them and affects you. Having them call you by another man's name hurts.

The key is how you handle those triggers. They lose their potency over time and may only "trigger" a thought and that's it.

Some things don't go away, however. Infidelity of any kind usually kills a character in a film or TV show for me.

I don't think that will ever go away.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Many of my triggers are the same as posted

Her name

UPS commericals

His work cell

Whenever he has to go to the town she works/lives in

His birthday

His job

It gets better as time goes on, but sometimes out of nowhere they hit,,,





Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
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Wow, read this post the other day and I keep coming back to it. My WW admitted the affair about 4 weeks ago and the triggers are there for me almost constantly. I know they will fade, but it's killing me to be so distracted all the time. I actually wrote her an email today from work saying the triggers weren't so bad today, and just thinking about "triggers" sent me back into my head about the A for the next 15 minutes as I stared out the window!!

1) Helping her around the house now and folding laundry seeing lace underwear I knew she would wear for him. Glad I'm not the only one here thinking about that...I thought I was really losing my grip with that one.

2) Any TV, DVD shows with ANY hint of infidelity..I'm gone.

3) Her cell phone. She deleted messages and caught on to my snooping before the admission.

4) Any memory of anything nice I did for her in the last 17 months. It's now tainted with the memory of knowing they were having a PA.

5) Anything nice she ever did for me in the last 17 months. I keep thinking she's trying to assuage her guilt. This is REALLY hard because I'm now driving a 2 month old Harley-Davidson Heritage Softail. Really, how many wives let their husbands go buy a bike like that? Feeling a little guilty, hon? smile

6) Her van..knowing she drove it to his house after work (weird, I know).

7) Anytime she talks about work or the people there. Apparently most knew.

8) Halloween (started PA).

9) Worst of all, tonight my daughter put on some fairy wings and looked adorable! Problem was they were from her Halloween costume in 2006 when the PA started. I had to leave the room.

10) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I just go there for no good reason.

I talk about all the triggers with my FWW and she wishes there was something she could do. All I tell her is that all the advice in the world will never remove them even though we know they can't be good for us. On her own idea, she bought me a radio receiver for my Ipod today just so I could take it to work and try not to go into my own head about the A as much during the slow times at work. It's little things like that, that will eventually make the time between the triggers longer, and their impact less intense....I hope.

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Not weird at all. There are so many even after a year that I only named the top 5 in my first post. As someone else mentioned, it could very easily reach 100.

6. His car. He talked to her every night on his way home to me. The car we rode to the hospital in when our children were born. I've learned the WS can ignore anything while they're "fogged"

7. His work. I picture him sitting at his desk surrounded by our family photos talking to her.

8. "I love you". Loses something when you know someone else was hearing those words at the same time.

9. Starbucks. I thought he was the world's greatest husband (talk about clueless!) because he'd come see me at work and brng me a cappucino. Guilt? or peacekeeping?

10. Our wedding rings

I ignore what I can. Let the others make me sad or angry for the moment (grief), then move back to now and go on (hope and faith)

Last edited by Turksmom; 04/10/08 05:40 AM. Reason: quote error

BS(me)37, FWH 37 ; Married 1998, Dday 2/26/07
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Talk about Triggers.......
They visited me last night! I'm a quilter but I haven't been able to sit at my sewing machine in 6 months since the speech, and I had not been to a meeting since Oct. Last night I felt I was ready. I was greeted with many hugs. The ladies all commented on how good I looked after losing 23 pounds. I was enjoying myself..that is until someone behind me yelled "Hey Penny". Penny is the name OW uses as part of her email altho it's not her name. I lost it! I excused myself quickly and came home crying in my car.
Let's add to the list:

6) My yearly Quilt Retreat. He had first night alone with OW because I was on my retreat enjoying myself. He shipped the kids off to sleepovers and I have evidence he planned the night for weeks in advance.I won't be going back anytime soon because he's taken the fun out of it for me.

7) His lunch hour. He would call her every day in the last 10 min. of his lunch hour. He calls me now but will do it at 11:00 so it's not at same time as HER calls.

8) Writing love letters. He used to write me sweet letters to greet me every morning, but can't seem to do it now. He was getting up early every morning to send her greetings to begin her day. If he wrote one now, I'd be in shock.

it goes on and on...

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Originally Posted by Turksmom
8. "I love you". Loses something when you know someone else was hearing those words at the same time.

Yup.. I always wonder when she says it now.. do you really mean it, or are you just saying it because you always have. This one is really tough sometimes.. others, not so much.

When she looks me in the eye, and says it.. and I can tell she means it *THAT* brings me to tears.


BH - me - 29
WW - 28
Married 07/2001
D-Day #2 - 03/01/2008
03/22/2008 - NC Established
05/??/2008 - NC Broken (I think)
07/01/2008 - WW 'Unsure of what she wants to do'
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His first name. If I hear it on TV or see it in an article.

The radio. I don't turn it on anymore.

His pillow. I bought a new one for that side of the bed.

When I see a truck like his. Same model & color. It's popular.

If I see or hear anything or anyone with the same first name as the OW. I start to shake & can't stop.

Anything having to do with finances.

Adultery on TV or movies. Especially when it's seen as OK.

Anything having to do with the USAF.

I cannot sleep at night knowing he's sleeping in our bed with her. Bad dreams come every night.


BS(me) 40
WH 40
D-day 10/03/2007
***Recovering and growing wiser and stronger.***
I was divorced 10/08/2008.

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