Rummi,

You did the right thing deleting that message and others that she WILL leave. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Waywards HATE plan B. They will continue to prolong the "status quo" as long as possible (ie. keeping YOU at her beck and call). They will continiously test / probe it.

You DID spell out the proper was to contact you via your plan B letter didn't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If she does call you at work and does manage to get through, you have only one question for her: HAVE YOU MET THE CONDITIONS OF MY LETTER?

It requires a Yes / No answer. If yes, you can discuss. If no, you hang up.

You have told the receipionist that you will not accept calls from WS haven't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong!

Unfortunatly there is a child involved and no contact is not possable. I honestly believe he should at least listen to the begining of the message if not all in order to cover his back in case somthing happens, good or bad.
It dosn't mean he needs to respond to her cries.
SH
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

She just called. I let the machine get it, then I did listen to it. She is just calling to see how I've been. Said she has been trying to reach me for the past couple of days. I don't think she really took the letter serious. She still believes that I am "at her beck and call".

As for the proper way to contact me..... everything goes through her grandma. When I pick up and drop off our son, it will be done through her grandma. The only time we will need to have contact is if there is an emergency, which her grandma will tell me, and when we go to court to finalize the divorce.

I have told the receptionist to send it to my mail. Which is where it just went now.

Thanks,
Rummi

Day 4 of NC with WS. It's not as hard as I thought it would be, but I really do want to call and talk with her.

This will be the first pick up of my son. I know that she is not going to honor my request and will be there. It is just the way she is. I'm going to call her grandma and see if she will meet me somewhere with him alone.

If she is around, how do I handle it? I don't want to be an [censored] and ignore her, but I also don't want to give her anymore emotion from me either.

Thanks,
Rummi

Hey Rummi,

Remember my plan B post to you back in early July last year?

I'll copy the current relative bit for you.



Remember, she is ALREADY testing your plan B to see how serious you are about this. She will continiously try to break your plan b so she can get her "good family" fix. Do everything you can to not let this happen.

She is still holding onto the fantasy that "no harm will come to her child" and that "BH & WW can be good friends" after this is over. This fantasy must be and will be destroyed by a good DARK plan b.

This is your last best chance to turn this around. Let her see what life will really be like without her "BH as a friend" and her family fractured.

Resist the impulse to call / speak with her. If you call her after you have given her the plan b letter she will believe that the letter was just "another" attempt to manipulate her and you chances to recover will be greatly diminished. And also any other attempts to reestablish plan b will have a greatly diminished impact.

I really would be best if Grandma will bring DS to you and have WW stay in the home. NO direct contact is preferable.

Remember your mantra for ANY direct communictions: HAVE YOU MET THE CONDITIONS OF MY LETTER?

Do not deviate from this or you will break your own plan B.

Stay Strong!

I didn't get my son until Saturday... I had to work. I go to her grandma to get him and she is there, like I knew she would be. She says she wants to talk. I ask if it is about fixing our marriage, coming back and working with me.

She just wants to know what is wrong. She had an attitude because I wasn't giving her her way anymore. I tell her I have nothing to talk about unless it is about recovering our family. I get my son and leave without another word.

Sunday I bring him back and she is there. She is down and depressed, trying to joke and be nice. I drop him off and leave without a word.

It is sad and it hurts, but it feels good to be fully in control of myself again. Not worrying about talking to her or waiting for a call. In the beginning, when I wouldn't leave her alone about everything, she said she needs time to miss me. Well, here it is.

Thanks,
Rummi

You did good Rummi!

A big part of plan B is to protect you from WS manipulations. You will become stronger the longer you are in it.

Remember your new mantra!

Stay Strong!

AAAAHHHH life is good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Had a wonderful day with my son yesterday. WW was there when I brought him back. She tried to be friendly and just talk, I didn't say much and left. I do feel bad though. It feels like I am ignoring and hurting her. I hate treating her this way. I wish she would respect Plan B and not be there.

Anyway, I am going back to school. Actually looking forward to it. I meet tonight and figure out my options with an advisor. I have a good outlook and am very optimistic for the future. I haven't been this focused on a purpose in a long time.

That was one of my problems in our marriage, motivation. I just settled with what we had and didn't show an interest in planning and growing with our future. I am sorry that it took this to really kick my [censored] into doing something <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope you all have a good weekend.
Thanks,
Rummi

Hey Rummi!

Your not plan B'ing us are you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How are you doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey, of course not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am on here most everyday, reading and lurking. It still amazes me how similar and exact each of our situations are. WS's all act and say the same things, for the most part.

How am I doing? Hmmmm..... It sucks and is lonely being alone. When you care about someone so much and you want to do everything you can to fix the problems in your marriage, but the WS doesn't want any of it, is really hard. It is hard to let go and move on, but it will make us stronger.

No contact and a full Plan B has not been fully possible. Just like stillhurts says, haveing our son makes no contact harder. He has been sick the past couple of weeks and we took him to the doctor together, like we always do. So, we have seen each other and been around each other as a necessity.

I try not to show too much toward my WW, haven't given any of myself, and haven't called. We don't talk how we used to, friendly and still happy with each other. I say what I need to say regarding our son and that's pretty much it. She has gotten angry and emotional, saying I can't ignore her forever.

I try to stay busy and do things that I haven't done in a while. Especialy when I am thinking of her. Just go out and do things to get my mind on something else. Her birthday is in 2 days. There was a family party at her grandparents yesterday, it was also her granddads birthday yesterday - 72yrs. old. I did go and had a good time with the family. Her brother is back from Iraq and it was very good seeing him too.

I got her a card. Wrote her a little poem in it saying how I still feel, and that I still believe in us. Overall, it wasn't too bad. We didn't talk about a whole lot, I was there for the rest of the family.

A week after the Plan B letter she said she wanted to talk about us, she was in tears and emotional. I agreed to talk to her and she turns it into the divorce thing. I stop it and say if it is not about recovery then I have nothing to say. So, that is where we're at.

She is still there when I pick up and drop off our son. But we don't say anything that's not about him. I can tell that she has been depressed lately, but it is her own self induced situation that has put her there.

Each day I see more and more new people coming here. It is very sad and heartbreaking that people will treat someone that they vowed to love and cherish all there lives like this.

Things can and do get better.
Rummi

Nothing new going on here. Haven't talked or seen her in a week or so. I'm living life again and enjoying it.

I wish I had her to share my future with. I know that if she saw the changes I've made in myself, and she gave our marriage another chance, then things would work out.

She still has not done anything with the final filing of the divorce. I really don't know what she is waiting for anymore. The last time I asked her why she hasn't finished it, she said she didn't want to completely lose me, and she wanted to be 100% sure that this is what she wanted to do.

Oh well. Enjoying the world and experience for me now. Everything does go by too quick, enjoy it while it's here.

Thanks,
Rummi

Same same here. Still in a strange Plan B. With valentines day coming up, things are just very down for me. Valentines day was when we first got together. I do miss her so very much.

Picked up and dropped off my son on friday and sunday. We didn't say anything and that was it. She really doesn't care anymore. I still don't understand the how and why of everything.

It hurts that she doesn't want to have anything at all to do with me. We loved each other and married each other out of that love. I don't understand. Everything that we worked for, all of our dreams and hopes are for nothing. I got left behind without so much as a second thought.

Everyone says I need to get over it and move on. Find someone else and be happy. I didn't marry her just untill things got bad. I vowed to spend the rest of my life with her, for our family, to be and do everything I could for us. To me, that means so much. It wasn't just empty words and promises.

I know that I can't change her mind, she has to want to. I know that there is nothing I can do about it at all, again, she has to want to be with me and try or else it's useless. But I can't give up. I love and care too much.

So how long does it take, while in Plan B, before you give up and don't care anymore?

Thanks,
Rummi

One year later......

Today is the day that my soon to be ex-wife left. It has been a very hard, long and emotional year. We are still not officially divorced, but it will be coming soon. She finally got an attorney last month and is going through with it all.

I know that I have done my best this past year. Both in Plan A and Plan B, well, could of done a better Plan B. It's hard to leave someone you love alone.

I feel that I have improved myself as a person and now understand a lot of what went wrong with us and our relationship. I look to the future with the knowledge that I have gained from all of this and feel hopefull.

I still thank everyone on these boards and Dr. Harley. Finding this site has really made a lot of this easier.

We both still love each other and she says that she does still see a future with me, just not now. Being together now, just makes us remember the past, and how bad our relationship really did get. Only time will help.

Love, live and learn.
Rummi

It doesn't sound like you did Plan B correctly. I think you should have left a lot sooner and been a lot stronger. But if you are happy dangling, well more power to you.

Rummi!

Glad to see you are still around.

What's the plan going forward?

Hang in there!

The plan forward.....

Sold the house and got an apartment for my son and myself. Just moved in a week ago. Excited about the new change, but it is very different.

Since I have moved back into town, I am closer to my son and will be getting him every afternoon after he gets out of school and we will be sharing every other weekend. That is the greatest thing I am looking forward to, being with him more.

Mostly I just want to make sure that he is safe, secure and always has his parents for him.

For myself, I am living. Having fun with friends and family and doing whatever I want to keep my head up.

My XW.... We have a lot of bitterness between us that we have to get over. There are no words or actions that can fix us right now.

Talk again later.
Rummi

Well, it is over. We signed the divorce last Wednesday. My first thoughts and reactions were that this is one less thing we have to fight about now. So, the only thing we should have to talk about or see each other about is our son.

I just found out last week that she is still with the OM. She has been keeping it hidden this whole time. I never really did have a chance, no matter how hard I tried. I am bitter and angry about everything. It seems that our marriage, our past and everything we had was for nothing.

Thanks again,
Rummi

"I have loved once, and no good has come of it. It was contrary to my nature to do so - to love in that mad passionate, self-sacrificing manner. But yet I did. I think I may say with certainty that I never shall be so foolish again. "