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Joined: Mar 2008
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hello everyone

its been 4 yrs since my husband left to continue his affair with a married woman
almost 3 yrs ago the other woman left her husband and moved in with mine
over a year has passed since my husband filed for divorce and i've run out of ways to stall

i've got a stack of steve harley's books
i've read more posts here than i could ever count
i did a good plan A, a not so great plan B but then I pulled myself together and i've done a great plan B for about 2 and 1/2 years. it's not like i've had much choice anyway. we don't have children and have no reason to have contact with each other since the lawyers do that for us

counting the 18 months the affair was going on before my husband left, all totaled, this affair has lasted close to 6 years

nothing i've done has made any difference

i'm sad to say that i really do believe that my husband is one of the 3% of affairs that survive (i think i read 3% here somewhere)

i wish i didn't still love him but i do




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I am in that 3% as well that lasts. Its been 2 1/2 years since separated and divorced and EX has married OW and it looks if it is going strong. I am in a very dark plan b even though we have children only contact thru email and only one of our 3 children see their father.

I'm not waiting for him just living my life as best as I can thats all we can do.

We still haven't settled the property yet as he is the one who is stalling and I'm not sure why, he is remarried owns a home with her living his own life but whon't settle with me. Go figure


Both 46
Sep July 06
Plan B march 06
Divorced Oct 07
EXH remarried Nov 07
Still in plan b
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I'm sorry for both of you, but let me ask a question. Are you sure your WS's are so happy?

I was married very young and my (then) wife started an affair with an old BF about a year after we married. He had been in the service and when he got back, their relationship took off again. We divorced and they married about a month and a half after the divorce. They moved to Fla, moved back, had two kids, and are still married going on 25 years later. Would you consider that a successful marriage?

Ok, now the rest of the story. My ex has had at least 3 affairs on her current husband. One ONS with an assistant minister at their church and two others that have lasted varying lengths. He has stayed with her, but I'm not sure why. It never ceases to amaze me that someone would marry a person they are in an affair with when they KNOW that their OP is willing to break their martial vows. I remember when I heard about my ex's affair with the church dude and my brother and I both said at the same time "can't teach an old dog new tricks".

I guess I'm just trying to say that just because your spouses seem to be in that 3% that make it doesn't necessarily mean everything is hunky dorey in affairland. Is it possible they aren't happy but just won't admit it because that would mean they would have to admit that the affair and marriage was a mistake?

Maybe it's time to move on and live YOUR life with someone who treats you with the respect and gives you the love you deserve.

Just my .02


Me-BH 51 FWW-51
Three sons, S28 from first marriage, S23 and S19
A started Mar 07
D-day 9-4-07
NC 4-08
Recovered Nicely.
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Not even Dr. Harley would want anyone to stay so long in Plan B. The timeframe he uses is 2 years....about the same amount of time research shows that the biochemistry of infatuation runs it's course. It is the outer extreme of patience, and beyond that is not good OR effective. If your wayward spouse has not come back after that, it's time to move forward with your own life. Please remember, that this is the only life you get too.

Stop waiting and start living.

Even if he is in the 3%, that doesn't mean he's happy or that this marriage will last beyond 5 years. Hopefully, if he comes back after that....you won't want him.

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Get divorced. Live your life.

The fact that few affairs survive is consistent with other non-marriage relationships. Bottom line is, it doesn't matter for you. Their affair has survived and it is time to move on.

What they have will ALWAYS be an affair. Always.

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I agree. Move on with your life. He has obviously moved on with his. His relationship (and I use that term loosely) may or may not last. Who cares? why would you want the man he is now anyway?

My ex as been with ow in one form or another since the fall of 2004. She left her H and got an apt. I threw out mine once I found out (it was the last straw in a long line of affairs) and he moved in with her. Do I think things are perfect and hunky dory? nope. I even here she has a guy on the side. And I don't care anymore. They both get what they deserve. I have moved on and have a wonderful much better life with out him.

I was asked the other day, if he wanted to come home, if he had repented,etc, would I take him back? I didn't even hesitate: HELL NO!

Go into counseling, and get your life together, without him.

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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My ex's affair began in the fall of 2002 and they lived together until Jan 07. Then, less than 2 weeks after our D was final, they broke up. He continued in the fog for another 7 months and then wanted to get back together. So I know that if you wait long enough, most end.

However, please tell us what you have been doing with your life to make it good. For me, the time my ex spent in the affair and away was too long. I didn't want him any longer. I'd be very surprised if you still do want yours.

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I am sorry that you are in this situation.

I think the larger point that you're missing is the fact that it doesn't really matter if your WH thinks he is happy or not, he is still a wayward. What about YOUR LIFE? Even if his affair ended tomorrow, would you really want him back? Would he opt to come back to you? In reality, it is difficult to know the answers to those questions until you are faced with them. You can't plan your life around "what if's". At this point it seems like you are just wasting your life away waiting for his A to end. You only get one life and at some point you have to decide to start focusing on YOURSELF. You can have a healthy and happy life again, but the focus needs to be on YOU and not your WH.


Last edited by robertswife; 03/30/08 12:01 PM.
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ITA, robertswife!!

Heck, Mr. Gray and Slag discussed statistics in their early correspondence. Apparently one of both of them did research on it. Or maybe Mr. Gray remembered it from the last time he did it to his XW!!! LOL!!

He had the percentage wrong, though. His was too high. Like 5% or something. Maybe 7. But I digress.

So grab onto life by the coat tails! There's a great big world out there just waiting!

I am not waiting for Mr. Gray. I don't see the point. I don't know if he'll even talk to me when they are over and I really don't care at this point.

I know it's a terribly overused cliche, but living well really IS the best revenge. Even if you don't care about getting revenge. LOL!


Charlotte22

BS-42
WH-Mr. Gray-52
M-15.5y
DS*DIL-26, DGS-1
DS*DIL-22
DD-21
Dday: 6/27/07 (Plan A-sort of)
10/30-BRAVE NEW WORLD! Exposure!
11/1-Filed D
11/21-Temp hearing, Shiny takes all
12/15-Plan B
5/13/08-Spousal support extended, my Shiny
Attorney totally ROCKS!!
7/17-Court again, Shiny rules!
7/22-OWH temp hearing, Shiny kicks butt again!
12/11-Mediation; Gray won't budge, we are now headed for trial

Shiny="A Dynamic Force of Epic Proportions"

Shiny WILL win!! No doubt, Sugah!
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i went to counseling for awhile when he first left and again for awhile when he filed for D

i'm not sitting around waiting for him. i've kept busy living or i would never have made it through all of this insanity

i've given up any real hope that he will return

i just really beleived that this affair would end by now and i just thought that after all this time and after all the awful things he did, i wouldn't still love him

i've read somewhere that i5 takes 1 year for every 5 that you were in a serious relationship and/or marraige to get over it and heal

well, our relationship lasted more that 20 years total so maybe soon i will stop having that ache in my heart that still wishes he were my husband




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believer

i appreciate your sharing your story

i've wondered if there was a possibility that as long as i was "his wife" even just on paper, that the affair seemed more exciting to them both

it could be that as long as that woman thinks someone else wants him, that he's some great prize she won

and as long as he believes (rightfully so) that everything i wrote in my plan B letter so long ago is still true because i've stalled the divorce this long, that he IS some great prize and that he has a "back up" always waiting for him

they will both probably realize what leftover losers they are stuck with once no one else seems to want either of them anymore (her husband decided this long ago and HE divorced her)

in reality though, he signed an agreement and I followed through on everything that I said I would and he didn't do his part or give me any of the $ he promised to.

He actually left me numerous messages telling me he was broke and begging me to let him out of his side of the agreement-to show him some mercy and just agree to the divorce

tragic

just two months ago he finally realized that he would lose in court and have to hold up his end of the agreement so he gave in.
it cost him more in the end because according to the agreement, he had to pay all of my legal counsel fees for enforcing the agreement

why i expected him to feel obligated to a separation agreement when he didn't feel obligated to marriage vows is beyond me

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Ivebeenwaiting,

I don't get on the forum as much as I used to but I did stumble on your post. I may have something of interest on your subject but I will let you be the judge.

I am almost at the 4 year aniversary of D day and am 16 months beyond my official D. I recently sent a very polite 3 sentence email to my ex asking about a hard drive containing some very valuable pictures of my dying mother Now mind you in the 4 years since D day I have called her maybe twice and I have not seen nor contacted her in over 6 months. I have just been living my life.

Her reply to me was an invective filled F this and F you and F that and especially stop bothering me with this stuff.

My reply was that I was sorry for her obvious continued unhappiness and that as always she would remain in my prayers.

She always was and always will be in my prayers.

And then I had a big laugh wink


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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i see what you are saying

like my husband beggin me to forget about his part of the agreement because he
has no money left"

we never had any real money problems together

i guess he traded one set of "problems" (his unmet emotional needs) for another

maybe he should rethink his needs and he will realize that my not being around to fawn all over him and talk to him for hours on the phone was because i was out WORKING to help pay our bills

unlike his married other woman who was a stay at home mom, being supported by her hard working husband, so she has plently on time to pay attention to my husband

but wink at least he's got someone there to talk on the phone with him all day and tell him how wonderful and manly he is (if they can afford a phone that is)

i wonder

why would someone make such a big mistake that it seems they are unhappier now than they thought they were before and not do anything to make it right?

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Waiting,

Quote
we don't have children

Considering this and how long he has been gone, IMHO, it is well past the time that you should move on.

I think that you would be surprised if he did actually end the affair and want to come home ... you would probably find that all of the qualities that made you love him are gone.

I agree with the others here that just because the affair is still ongoing does not mean that they will stay together, it just means that they are still hanging on.

Please stop focusing on WH and OW and make a happy fulfilling life for yourself.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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i don't think that moving on with my life means that I have to stop loving my husband or ending my desire for us to reconcile

i'm busy with my job, friends and family

i'm just not interested in dating anyone else

i believe that marraige is for life according to God's law even if Man's laws allow for divorce

my priest told me to pray for my husband to find his way back to God and then back to our marraige

i asked him how God would ever allow someone to forever be joined in marraige to someone they may never see again

he told me that we will see each other again in heaven and will be together then as man and wife

well crap

my crummy husband gets two "wives" and I get one that I won't be with again until we both die












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Quit relying on others to tell you what's right. What kind of leader would encourage a person to stay in a broken marriage to be with thier WS in heaven? Absolutely sick imo. If he is right, then by his own logic you can divorce here on earth, according to earthly laws, and then you will STILL end up with your WS in heaven, right? So why waste this life waiting on a man that has abandoned you for 6 years?

There's much scriptural evidence to support the idea that God allows divorce in the case of adultery if that's what you need.

Its your life, take charge of it.

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i am aware that God's law permits ME to file for divorce on the ground of adultry

I've chosen not to

I've chosen to honor my vows

I'm aware that what my priest said is kinda crazy

it's also crazy that my husbands self proclaimed very catholic family who have suddendly changed their thinking about marraige and divorce so that it accepts my husbands actions because they "only want him to be happy"

i sent a letter to the family priest asking that he speak to my in-laws but he would not do this without thier request

in my opinion, my husband, that woman and my in-laws should all be banned from any catholic church

but it's not going to happen

i guess i'm just really confused about how a family and my husband can change their beleifs and values so completely when they had the same values as I did

i know that everyone says that blood is thicker than water

but i was foolish enough to beleive that values, beliefs and morals were what gave a person their character and that leads all of our choices in life

the main thing for me thought is that i still love my husband and would be willing to forgive and reconcile if he ended his affair and was remorseful and i am saddened that plan A and B didn't give me the outcome that I had hoped for




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My sisters husband had an affair with her best friend of 20 years who happened to be engaged to one of his friends at the time!My sister had been with her husband since high school (15 yrs).Her daughter was 5 and her son 3months when he left her.They were seperated a year and divorced now for 2 so 3 years in total.Over time they have remained friends something the girlfriend hates.Now the kids are 8 and 3 and there are so many problems with the girlfriend and his kids.The 8 yr old is seeing a physcologist.Her EXH is devastated at this and told my sister that he was going to have a heart to heart with the girlfriend and if she doesn't change they are finished.

This validates what the info says about affair marriages(they were thinking of getting married)The sad thing is my sister would never take him back cos she has lost respect for him.


BS;ME43,WH45
DS19,DS16
DDay:6Dec06
WH left12Dec06
DIV:3Dec08
WH marries OW 21days later!







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I believe we are married on earth but not in heaven.

I copied the following:

I know of nothing in scripture that would indicate that marriage is anything more than an earthly relationship. Here are some reasons I say this:

1. In Romans, chapter seven, the woman is freed from the marriage at the death of her husband. When her husband dies, she is loosed from the law of her husband (Romans 7:2) and freed to marry another man (Romans 7:3). If marriage were eternal, this would not be the case. She would have required to wait for her husband--or perhaps die with him as is done in some pagan cultures.

2. The story in Matthew 22:23-30 is very clear. There is no marriage in heaven. I do not see this passage being able to teach anything else.

3. According to Galatians 3:28, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus." In Christ, many of the distinctions that we have on earth are done away with. I do not know all that this means concerning men and women. However, just as racial differences (Jew or Greek) and social differences (bond or free) mean nothing in Christ, so gender differences (male or female) mean nothing in Him. When we get to heaven, these differences will either be non-existent or they will be inconsequential.

4. I know of no scripture that teaches that the marriage bond is forever as you say. It is very much a relationship for this earth. Even the wedding vows say till death do you part. I do agree with you that the relationships we have in heaven will eternally exceed anything we have known on earth. But they will not be like those we have on earth. I hope this helps.

You can look it up yourself and not count what the priest said. I believe he was flawed in what he said or you misunderstood him.


Married 1976
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What they have will ALWAYS be an affair. Always.


Damm Mk

Thats perfect. And true. Poop with a coat of paint is still.......

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