Hi SL,


....and is why you are making the decisions you are making!

...WE decide what OUR boundaries are....and CHOOSE who we allow in OUR world....

now...what nobody told us is the hard part...

...to RESPEST those boundaries OURSELVES before expecting OTHERS to do so!

(I miss the emo-icons!)

A painful process for sure. But one that we come to because we are WILLING to do the work to heal ourselves and build new lives that will be full of love, health and whatever we want.

I just got BUG BOMBED!

Bugsy, baby! Good of you to drop in! There are things about the unknown future that excite me, and I like to focus on that, instead of fearing it. Finances are going to be an issue, but that's not all there is to my life, so I'll manage, maybe put in some overtime at work, on the weekend, to make up for some losses here and there. I'll figure it out.

Luna,

Yup, I have made this decision for my health and happiness. There is so much good in my life, I don't want to continue on ignoring that, trying to beat this dead horse some more. I could have gone on and on in this marriage, but our dynamic was WACKED, and I couldn't fix it alone.

I often wonder how much it scares couples to realize that they need to do MORE to have a happy marriage, and they see it as WORK and TOIL. I'll admit, it scared me intially, to think of how much work I'd have to do, and how much I would need to change. Once I started, I began to like the IDEA of it. I just couldn't incorporate much into the marriage, because I had spouse who didn't agree with the concepts, or at least, he didn't show me that he did.

I am coming to accept this, and understand how difficult it must be to come back from where his mind and heart are. He doesn't have the sticktoitiveness that you need to make these changes, at least, not right now. I can only hope that he will make a good life for himself, and not hurt others as he has done here. Still, he could have had a great life with me.

I felt like a contortionist in our marriage, bending in whatever ways I could to MAKE a fit. It's an impossible feat. I'm glad I stopped; I think I pulled a hamstring...

Hello Queenie!

It has been painful, but it's a good pain. It's like sore muscles after a good workout, kinda pain. Once you get thru it, you are stronger, smarter, better.

I could have ducked out of the marriage long ago. Staying in it has given me wisdom that I couldn't have gained otherwise. Some days, I would love to forgo the wisdom and just have my good ole, beforetheaffairs marriage, and all that naivte that goes along with it, all that perceived purity. Most days, I'm glad to be surviving.

What an excellent concise and true analogy. I'm glad you stopped too. Hamstrings do heal.

okay, so I'm updating...

Mostly been doing yard work, garden work. This past week, I also started the process of opening my pool. I like to have it open on Mother's Day every year, so that I can lounge by it (if it's too cold) and play with my dog who loves to swim (who will swim when it's cold). I also took some time to cut back our pampas grass that grows behind the pool. In it lurked some poison ivy, which I, of course, didn't really see, so I now how a patch of sores on my forehead and left eye. It's actually making my head hurt, as if someone bonked me on it. It'll be nice when that wanes.

I planned DS's 6th b-day party at a local joint, where there are many 'inflateables' (no, not lady inflateables--more like moon bounces, and giant teeter totters, etc.). PWC is going to be there. It was something we had discussed prior to him leaving, and I still wanted to do it for DS. Anyway, I plan on making him an Indiana Jones cake; a sheetcake with a boulder on top. I have a tiny Lego Indy figure that I will have whipping his way across the cake. I look forward to making the cake.

Not much else to report.

Oh, yeah, I had a temporary loss of my wedding band, as I reported on Guy's thread, but my dad found it out by our mailbox, so I still have it. I actually had some tears over the perceived loss. Meh.

I'm on a waiting list for the book "Boundaries with Kids" so that I can have a bit of direction this time around. I think I am doing a much better job at parenting these days, since I can think straight, and I'm not dealing with the initial trauma of Dday, and going into Plan B. I'm much more of sound mind these days, which is nice.

Lots of feelings and things to sort through, but I take it as it comes. Overall, i'm doin just fine. A bit lonely, but that's to be expected.

SL YOU SOUND WONDERFUL!!!! Keep up the good work.

The B-Day party sounds like fun, it has been so long since i had to do any of those types of parties that i forget how crazy they can be. I now just have to deal with a bunch a LOUD HUNGRY teenagers LOL.

Love the birthday party at the "Place full of inflatables." We did that for DS8 and attended many others, and the kids have a great time. Great, great, great. Easy, too.

Maybe I'll do that for DD4--and then just thinking about it sets off some butterflies. Would I invite the SCQ? Would DD4 want to invite POSOM's kids? God, I hate waywards.

I love the Indiana Jones cake, too. The boulder, the LEGO figure. Can you have some natives chasing him flinging spears? And a seaplane...with a guy fishing. When does the new Indy movie open, anyway? Anyone want to go with me?

Did Ironman open? I think I'll see that this weekend.

Oh, THIS is why I post. So that I can have conversations with my buds.

SC, thanks for your support. I have miles to go, but I'm doing well, despite all.

Guy,
Ironman opened this past weekend, and a girlfriend of mine said she enjoyed it a great deal. I am a big fan of Robert Downey Jr.

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, I b'lieve it's called, opens the weekend of May 23rd; DS's birthday. I suppose PWC will be taking him to see that one. I may go on my own to see it. I love the Indy Jones films.

I'll have to see if I can't find some way to make the natives throwing the spears. That part of Raiders is hilarious. I'll probably put lots of snakes on the cake, too!

Silent:

So glad you posted.

A general theme among the recuits of late 2006, early 2007 has been recently that there is no reason to post. As the following has occurred:

1.) Recovered (not many, huh?)
2.) Divorced (Lots of those...)
3.) Serious Plan B and nothing to report (Everybody else?)
4.) Life goes on and MB was a phase that passed through it. (Can apply to all of the above...)

Now, there is no reason to come back to MB. You could go to the Divorced/Divorcing board, and meet the folks over there.

Or, your thread can become the personal journal thing like Chrisner mentioned.

Or, just go gardening.

When the Marriage ends, and the waywards start living "the life" it's pretty easy to stop posting, because this is a "Marriage Building" site, right? And if your marriage is over, why are you here? (S/L: yours is on life support, true)

Why are any of the recuits still here? Because this place can offer SO MUCH more than many other places. The positive growth that occurs in the posters that stay around is amazing. And someone, somewhere, has the info that can help you unlock your little boxes and help you move forward in your journey, no matter what. And that why we hang around.

Would I like more people to came back and post updates and more success stories? Sure. And we measure success many different ways around here.

More Later...

LG

This is exactly why I hang around. I have learned so much about getting thru my own journey, thru advice from others, book recommendations, and hugs when I needed them. NO DOUBT, this is a great place. I still post to others; I just didn't even think about how my growth might help someone else.

Also, thanks for pointing this out


I still have a lot to deal with. Thanks for reminding me, my friend. Thanks a bunch.

Hey SL,

Could I get a little 101 on getting out of the enmeshment of my WH.

Queenie, the first thing I did was started reading books about boundaries; then I read about codependency, on the web and in books. Start with searches on the web, and then go from there.

I read "Codependency NO More". In many ways, I had already begun detaching, in terms of being enmeshed, from PWC before he came home last year, so when I did read the above book, I had already begun the process of letting go of control. Control is a big thing for MANY people, so you are not alone.

I also read, and probably should start again, "Feel the fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers, PhD and "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie.

Accepting what isn't within your control is a healthy start. The first thing I did was start listing what WAS within my control, so that I could better understand what was not and WHY. Sounds stupid, for sure, but it sure helped me. Controlling others' emotions was a big misconception I had. I certainly can promote an atmosphere that can aid discontent or happiness, but I can't MAKE someone happy or discontented. This decision comes from within.

Anyway, enmeshment is about choosing to believe that someone else completes you in some way. That without them, you are not whole, or your worth is less or your identity is lost. To break it, you have to get to the root of your worth, and convince yourself of it. Once that happens, it is easier to build boundaries to protect yourself, your marriage, your children, etc. because you care about yourself enough to create an environment around you that is healthy, even if you know it's not going to be easy.

This is a start. Hope it helps.

Thanks SL for the start,

Let me read it further when I get home from the boy's games and see what is brings up. I really have come so far with detaching and controlling.

What is just blindsiding me is the absolutely selfishness and victimization that WH is thinking. I know I can't change it, control it, or cause it. I just can't believe it.

Not HIM. I guess I just have to be like Mimi and call my H dead. Maybe D is best then I can really let him go and move on. I just wish I knew what G-d wanted me to do.

I have those books you spoke about and will reread what you said and get reading.

Acceptance is very hard, Queenie.

I think Mimi has a really great point when she talks about the addiction and how crazed a WS can ACT in that time. When you look back, was your husband always like this--MEAN.

I know that mine wasn't, he was actually quite attentive for quite a while. HE was always selfish, and had a lot of independent behavior, but he was never MEAN to me. HE's been meaner than anybody else in my life in the last three years. He's lied to me more times than I can count, he hasn't been genuine in the least. He's withheld from me, in more ways than one. He's been horrible. I never would have thunk it, but it's true.

I'm learning to deal with who he is right now, not who he was or who I wish he'd be. I also don't hear about what he says about me, or what he thinks. Nada. Zip. Nobody relays that info to me, and if they did, I'd nip it in the bud. It's better for me that way. I don't need toxicity in my life.

Don't talk about divorce until you are absolutely sure that is the only road left to travel, or until it is the only way to protect yourself. Right now, just keep quiet in your Plan, and insulate yourself a bit better against incoming wayward intel. Knowing about how he's avoiding paying support is one thing, but hearing what he SAYS about you is another. AVOID IT.

Hey SL glad you're doing well. DS's birthday party sounds great!

LG makes great points on why to continue post. We sure do appreciate the updates from all. Thanks LG!

Have a great day SL! (((thoughts & prayers)))

Just wanted to drop by and see how you were doing and to wish you a belated Happy Mother's Day.

I hope the day was wonderful for you!!!

Hi SC! Good to hear from you.

My day was good. DS was with PWC until about 6PM, so I relaxed, had brunch with my dad and did a little shopping . Then watched the movie "Juno". Now when something is cool, I'm going to feel the urge to say "Wizard" instead.

Things at home are good. DS seems to be getting used to his new sitch. He doesn't talk much about it, but when he does, it's usually laced with sadness.

DS is doing ok in school. Seems he has trouble with math, so I'm working on it. He enjoys his karate, and I've instituted outdoor play time each day (when it's not as craptastic as it's been lately); so we play baseball, and throw the football around. As soon as it's hot enough, we'll get in the pool every day.

The poison ivy rash I have has thrown me for a loop. It's on my forehead and a bit on my upper eye lid. I get dizzy here and there, and my head hurts, but otherwise I'm fine.

The neck is healing ever so slowly. I still have pain daily, but it's in the background. It's a pain I can live with. I just smile and get on with it, y'know?

I pulled up some carpet in my computer room and am preparing to fix the drywall and repaint, remold.

Life keeps movin...

Well glad you had a good day.

Although i really enjoyed spending the day with my children, Mother's Day and Father's Day kind of lost their specialness to me when i lost my parents.

But as it was my kids made me do all the work darn them LOL!!!

SL...

I can't remember what state you live in?

We are planning another MB summer get together for August, just lunch and such, and it would be fun to have you there. (of course all are invited!)

Are you anywhere near me???

mlhb