mvg,
When you feel up to it, tell him exactly this. It's a good start to getting to the root of what YOU really want from him. It's not just sex that you want, you want the steam, the "I can't wait to get home tonite". Your FWH needs to know that this is HOW you need the SF EN to be filled. It says it right there on the EN's questionnaire. HOW would you like your spouse to fill your need? Be lovingly specific.

For me, it was, initially, just to be touched, for dippity sakes! I would have worked my way up to being more specific, as my confidence and trust in him built.

I'm not saying go home today, talk about this now. When you are ready and feel confident, talk to him about just this.

SC,
I was thinking about you while I was making my bed this morning (no, I have no idea WHY--Freud prolly has something to do with it). Have you considered responding to your husband by touching him or kissing him, or nuzzling him when he says that you look nice. Taking a long moment to pause and SHOW him the appreciation for noticing you. You don't need to grovel and say "oh, thank you thank you thank you" . I mean a slow kiss, or a loving carress. Don't try to get inside his head, just take the compliment with grace. It's prolly a good way to begin to eradicate the reactionary ST, and to reinforce that he's moving in the right direction.

Just a suggestion. You could already be doing this.

I gotta tell you ladies, you are doing well, just keep going, keep working on yourselves and keep aware of what your FWH's ARE doing.

SL thanks for your input and encouragement. I will eventually talk to him just waiting for the right time.

How are you and the little guy doing? I hope you both are adjusting well and able to relax without stress of PWC. (((In my thoughts and prayers))) I hope DS is feeling better....IF and that's a big if, I remember correctly he was sick beginning of the week right?

SC you still in a positive mode today?

Hoping we ALL have a great day and grateful hearts.

Heck mvg i can't say for sure about still being positive, it sometimes changes by the hour

Last night i had to knock the ST out of my brain for sure.

I just keep plugging along. It just worries me sometimes that "I" will not ever get past the betrayal and end up being the one to cause our M to be unhappy.

This is a post that i put on another thread a while ago and am still having issues with. Just wondering if i should let this go or not.

Me too.


I wouldn't like it either. Have you told him HOW EVERY UNCOMFORTABLE his associating with him is for you? Before D-Day I might have been able to keep rationalizing we don't know for use but since that time my thinking has changed dramatically. Sounds like your's too. If you haven't I'd confess to him how his association makes you feel and (if it were me) keeps A in the forefront of your mind. In my thinking, associating with people who are committing adultry or on the road to it are NOT people that are good for MY M and I will not tolerate associating with them. That's one of MY boundaries.

I think if this is bothering you then you NEED to tell him exactly how you feel in detail and then decide the consequences if he decides to disregard your feelings.

Be completely open with your husband.

I know that I would feel as if my husband was comingling with his former self, the cheating one, and that I felt it was dangerous for my marriage. You are still very early in recovery, in terms of your husband being on board, or even defogging.

I recently went to my boss about a couple of my coworkers, confiding in her that I believed there could be trouble brewing there if boundaries are not put in place. The woman is quite young, early 20's, newly single ( as in she broke it off with her long term, on again-off again boyfriend). The man is in his early forties, has a wife and two young boys--his wife homeschools. HE is attractive and very witty. It's easy to see the attraction that they both have for one another, and how they flirt. They also travel together, ALONE, on occassion. It's a slippery slope.

My boss told me that she had already taken notice and discussed boundaries at work, with the young woman. I was IMPRESSED. I work for a small business, and everybody knows my sitch. I was proud of my boss for taking a stand, as it's not easy to do.

I just couldn't, in good conscience, allow what I noticed to go by without even a whisper of my concern, for both the young woman and the older man, and most especially HIS FAMILY.

I know that was kinda non-sequitor, but it seemed appropriate to place it here, in the context of what you are discussing.

That's the problem. I have talked to him about it and he does use the "we are not sure" card on me.

He also recently applied to work at the company this guy works for (although in a different department) and he has had one interview already that went really well. So he asked me what i thought about going to this other company and i told him my feelings about this guy yet again. His response was that if that was my only worry then it need not be a worry. I feel i have stressed to him how BIG a deal this is to me but he does not seem to get it.

I was giving him the benefit of the doubt on even talking to this guy because of business things but last night he tried to call him just to talk about baseball and it really bothered me.

And i KNOW it is because of his infidelity that it is a BIG deal to me, i just wish that he would "get it" and not make me feel like i am being a b@tch about it.

SC EWWWW don't like the way this is going.

I'd be very upset or worse if my H ever again dismisses MY gut feelings. But that's ME.

OK some WISE MB vet jump in with some advice.

I know mvg i just don't know what to do about it.

I am sure that is why i am NOT too positive today. I am just at a loss as to why he can not see that this is not a good thing.

Throwing out some thoughts...

Have you tried using examples? Such as if he were a recovering drug addict why it would NOT be a good thing to associate with current addicts?

As to the not sure if they are having A or not, is it acceptable for married men to go out with other women?

Have you ever met this guy's wife? I wonder if she has any idea of what's going on, innocent or not. I wonder if she thinks his night outs are work related.

It a train wreck just waiting to happen. It just way to easy to have people associating with opposite sex and have things get out of hand.

Does this guy know about your H's A?

I have not really tried using examples but i do let him know that i do not like it. And he has at least quit excepting any tickets from him as we were doing before.

I agree about the married men going out with other women thing.

And i have not met his wife, which is weird, because we have went to several things with this guy. His son (who graduated last year) played baseball and our son's team played them so we were at two different baseball games and we have been to a lot of movie premiers and other events with him. At a outdoor concert we went to he was with a male co-worker. There was another movie thing we went to where he had a different female co-worker with him but his son and daughter were also there. The time that i posted about was only time we had actually met him prior to any event we ususally just met him where ever the event was being held.

I do not really know if he knows about my H's A, i doubt it but i do not know for sure. The OW told a couple of other co-workers the her and my H were "an item" (PUKE) and this guy's company works with my husband's company so i suppose it is possible.

Also about the tickets (and i know i should just be thankful for the good and i am glad he has at least quit excepting his invitations) he just tells him we are busy, he has not said anything to him about the reason why. I think he could tell him even if he did not mention his A to the guy.

SC sounds like this guy does take alot of different people 'out'. Weird huh? I don't get it...wonder why never his wife?


Depends if your H considers this guy a friend or an acquaintance. Appears more like a friend if calling to talk ballgames but hey what do I know about a man's mind?!

I wonder if just saying something like...being seen together with a woman other than your wife makes "us" feel uncomfortable. If only huh?!

I wonder how your H would feel if you had a friend like that. He couldn't say for sure your friend was a cheater but had a definate feeling.

I wish someone else would pop in here and give you another perspective. I guess for right now be thankful he is at least declining the invitations.

Well i know it seems very weird to me as well and i think that is part of the reason my H says "we don't know for sure" but i am telling you this particular co-worker and him ARE more than just friends. It was quite obvious at the bar where we were.

Her first comment to me and my husband was something about how long had we been married and when my H's friend said he had been maried longer she said something about "well yes but the are happy". Then when we got inside the movie theater i sat closest to them and me and my H were holding hands and i overheard her say "it would be nice if you held my hand" and then he said "i will hold whateevr you want" and then she said "not in public" and i told my H this on our way home that night. We discussed how uncomfortable both of us were at the bar.

On a positive note anyway, my H has been working Mon-Thur and having Fri off for the last few weeks so he usually comes and takes me to lunch on Fri so of course he did that today. While talking he did mention something about he did not think that he could be "friends" with this guy so maybe i just need to quit worrying so much and just continue to monitor the situation with this guy. He also called me his "beautiful wife"

So if mvg and i are on schedule as usual YOU should have a pleasant evening LOL!!

YEA SC!!!!! Doesn't the world seem a bit brighter?! I'm so happy for you that your H seems to be waking up to his friend's situation & what a beautiful wife he has!

We had the wind knocked out of us this weekend. My ODD's fiance moved out Friday when she was at work, called her at work to tell her and wanted her cellphone (on his plan) back. She was devastated. UGH! To top it off this is the only man my GD (3) has known as 'dad'. Totally uncharacteristic of him. He really pulled some low tricks. As far as we know there is no OW in the picture but boy oh boy is he doing the whole WS thing. Rewriting history, punishing her with HER faults, took furniture,etc.

But I must tell you my H rose to the occassion! We went & picked up GD so DD could try and put the house back in order and to grieve a bit. So we had a very distracting weekend.

Thankfully I had MB principals and ALL the folks who helped me to draw on and give her some advice!

I hope you continue to have step forwards and a great day! H & I talked casually & briefly about SF so hopefully the seed is planted and we'll work on it.

mvg i am soooooo sorry for your DD. She must be heartbroken. It was wonderful of you and your DH to be there for her. Even though she is probably too upset right now i am sure she appreciated at least not having to worry about her child on top of everything else. I will be praying for her.

I have decided that i am not going to post about good things anymore, it seems that every time i do i jinx myself. Here Friday afternoon and lunch was so wonderful then we had a HORRIBLE weekend. Just same [censored] different day type of stuff but when certain things happen all i can think about is the past and that is where i go every time. I am so tired of both of us being miserable that i do not know what to do. I really really am at a loss here. I know that MOST of it is my ST, but gosh when does it ever stop.

I went so far as to put a timeframe on our marriage because "I" can not stand this anymore, maybe i am just not a person that can get over the betrayal (even though i want to very badly) at least that is the conclusion i have came to about the whole situation.

Well Crap! I was hoping at least one of us had a good weekend!
What happened?

Let me throw this out to you...

did things get horrible because you were on such a 'high' that a minor infraction blew things out of proportion?

One thing that I'm working on myself is expectations. There are times I 'need' the fairytale and I set myself up for failure. We have a good day and bam something dosen't go the way I expected and I think we're back at square one. So not true...things have changed! The reality is we're going to STILL have ups and downs! We did before his EA and we will after too, such is life! (You might have to remind me of this! ).

I had my 'timeframe' set in my mind. The closer we got the more I freaked out I KNEW he wasn't going to live up to what I demanded. He didn't meet ALL of my 'in my mind demands' but he IS making progress and without me pushing it.

I HAD to let go of his EA for the most part. We've had to much time together good & bad to let THAT determine who we were. Of course my mind goes there from time to time. I do the replacement thinking! I WILL NOT LET THAT BIATCH have ANY other part of OUR lifes.

Take a deep breath...you had a horrible weekend BUT you CAN have a GREAT week! (((SC)))

I thanked my H for helping me take some things to our DD yesterday, like a bed! He just looked at me sorta weird, like isn't that what I should've done? Big smile for me cause he wouldn't have thought that way months ago!

mvg i wish that was what it is.

You see we haved talked and talked and talked until we are blue in the face trying to determine "why" he had the affair to begin with. It boiled down to because we had outsiders (even though they were family members) living in our home for 4 years. I ABSOLUTELY could not stand the second family member that lived with us (and he was there for 3 years with me griping the whole time that i wanted him gone and that i did not be around him therefore i would not be around my h because he was around him). So this added to the fact that we had kind of grown apart because of this person living with us, my H lost his mother who he had serious issues with that he did not ever deal with and the fact that he was turning 50 (which still bothers him alot he is big on his AGE), and then the BIG one to me was just the everyday stress of general life (going to work, raising kids, etc). Well things still seem the SAME to me so how will i EVER know that he will not do it again. How can i affariproof my M when it was basically because of life in general, i do NOT have control of any of those things.

Well he has been in a bad mood now for about three weeks because of his job, it just brings me down when he is down because all i can think about is "is this one of those things that is going to cause him to stray again?" I am just really tired of living MY life worrying about it, it is just too much. I just do not THINK i can get over this betrayal, it eats at me every day and it is getting very tiring.

SAME HERE! A little eerie cause we've had family and a friend live with us.

What does your H think of MB?

Have you two ever gone to counseling...togther or individually?


His job, his situation. YOUR job as wife IMO, let him figure his sitch out, you be the comforting wife.


Truthfully is it the last 3 weeks this has gotten worse for you?

(((SC))))

My H does not want to do counseling, i have tried for YEARS to get him to go over the issues he had with his mother and he never would. Now she is gone and those issues will haunt him for the rest of his life.

And although i know it is HIS job and HIS situations with his job, i feel i can NOT just stand by and be the comforting wife anymore. He has NEVER liked any job that he has ever worked. We have been together for 25 years and the longest he has EVER been with one company is 5 years because he NEVER likes his job. Gosh i am not exactly thrilled with my job either but in that same timeframe i have worked at 2 different companies. Sometimes you just have to suck it up.

And it is way more than the last three weeks, it just does not seem to be getting easier for me to deal with, in fact it is quite the opposite, it seems to be getting worse. I just feel like we are right back to the same M (minus someone living with us) that we had pre-A so how will i ever be able to trust that he won't do it again. I can NOT affair proof life in general and i think "I" am tired of trying.