Sh@t for brains is picking up my rejected furniture for his new digs....it seems so surreal. It is making me sick. Little love-dove made the big move and got her apt and now he has to be the man and get his.

I got to get out of this mess.

help!

After him.

Does anyone 'fight' with their WS over kids schedules and visitation? It is all thru my IM but it is very contentious. Another reason filing D to get the custody thing legalized and in writing.

Want to take boys this weekend to boston for red sox game on sunday. offer WH friday from 2pm - sat 3pm cuz game is on sunday. we were going to spend more time doing historic boston since we have been studing american history(i homeschool). anyhoo WH balks about this and wants thru sunday since i have been taking the boys out of town so much. now we did go to disney but that was with HIS parents and they didn't want him to go. why am i being penalized for his behavior?

this just gets uglier and uglier.

One more thing....friends and family comment on how 'good' I look and I know they don't mean appearance. It is like an enormous weight has been lifted and a feel much freer since plan B/plan D.

Onto new and exciting things! I know I will backslide at times but I am feeling a forward momentum.

KAG - Have you read through the emotional needs stuff here and about no disrespectful judgements? Because your thread is full of DJ's.

I don't want to be hard on you, but your husband sounds like the typical wayward, and I'm certain the affair will end, and he will want to come back.

You need to go darker on your Plan B and let the OW start meeting all of his needs.

Since you have an attorney, let her deal with the visitation issues. Stay out of arguing with your husband. You can propose something and if he doesn't agree, have your attorney handle it.

The attorney is not yet officially involved since I am waiting to close on my loan before I file.

It is going to get very expensive paying 200/hour everytime we have a disagreement over visitation.

And finally I know he isn't coming back. And plan B is just for my own sanity....but with the kids conversation(between intermediary and emailed) has to happen. Believe me I have thought about buying him off to just leave the country.

PS, have(had) all the books(I through out every book I owned on recoverying from an affair and working on your marriage), worked with SH for 6 months. I guess we are in the minority where MB isn't going to help.

I just need to somehow move on with my life.

Am I reading this right? Your d-day was less than a year ago, but you're certain your WH isn't going to come back?

Kag sorry to sound stupid but what months are in fall?It would be great if we could get together when you come to S.Africa.

I'm STILL thinking about the guy I hooked up with???It has taken my mind off WH a lot as it has boosted me loads.I definitely don't want to get into a relationship right now but I'm not waiting for WH anymore..I don't feel so desperate anymore and more empowered!!
I'm about to leave work so will say cheers.
WH are such idiots!!

Yes, call me psychic.... anyhoo my friends and family would lock me up before letting him back.

Sorry to sound so 'american'...the fall for us is Sept - Dec. I am not certain it will work. I will be filing shortly and the way things are going it will be a fight to take boys out of country. Still hoping. Negotiations will probably start middle of May. Wish me luck.

That is great about your 'hook up' Everyone needs an ego boost once in a while. I am wondering....when can I put myself on the market? Guess I need to start D first!

Weird - second time coming home from my acupuncturist(yes I am a big time new ager) I had this overwhelming feeling of pity for my WH. He is going to wake up someday and realize all that he has lost. It is like I can truly see it, him alone in a crappy apt, lost his wife, lost his kids, 1/2 his income goes to ex and kids...all over some crazy infatuation. No more lovely home, no more special vacation trips, no more extended friends and family. I get so sad for him. He will be so alone.

And I will be onto new and better things. Sometimes I am exhilarated by the freedom and sometimes very angry and less frequently sad. I choose not to be a victim of his behavior.

Today WH has boys overnight until tomorrow at 3pm. I have decided that is the biggest heartache, not having my boys with me. Even though they are a HANDFULL I miss them. I guess since I homeschool and we travel a lot together I am just so used to them around.

Went out with a friend tonight. She went through the same thing I am living. Although her WH left the state and really never came back. But same marriage length, same type of work A, same story different day.

Anyways, why does everyone look at me cross-eyed when I tell them I am not speaking to WH? I tell them I am communicating thru an intermediary regarding the boys and that is it. They tell 'well your going to have to talk to him sometime' Why do I HAVE to talk to him? What would be the point, more lies, more pain? More I really care about you I just am not in love with you anymore....Why is it so hard for them to understand how painful it is to even see WH or hear WH voice, never mind actually have a conversation.

My own parents(who would like to see him gone from the planet) are surprised that I haven't spoken to him for this long....

Ok it has been 2.5 months in plan B and my heart is still broken. When does that go away? I dream about him every night. WH is getting an apt less than 3 miles from my house....why? Just seems like more torture to me over accidentally running into him. Why didn't he move in with OW? I am tempted to sell my house and move, but the market stinks.

I remember Harley recommneding someone move to another state with the kids and leave WH and OW behind. That doesn't seem fair to kids.

It seems the only way I can get boundries respected and stop the visitation fights is to file D. There is way to much communication about the kids and schedules. Finances need seperating as well.

It seems like he is trying to relive his college days, crappy apt, with garage sale finds furniture...no repsonsiblities of homeownership. Maybe we got married to young(right out of college) and he needs to experience a bachelor pad? Serious regression here.

Also he is so into new age belief, 'all will be well' no matter what path we take. The kids will be fine, it is their path to growth and all other kinds of totally irresponsible beliefs.

WH is like a malignant cancer that I have to cut out of my life. I just miss H so much and feel like he has died. Sometimes interaction with WH helps me realize what I have to do...file and move on with my life. Set up rules and boundaries enforceable by the courts.

Still haven't told kids I will be filing, that is going to hurt them and me. I don't want to look like the bad guy.

It will be so much harder to not think about him when he is living so close. That is driving me nuts. I will see his car more often and god forbid, run into him in town.

I really also am angry at the people who are supporting him! How can they support an adulterer that throws away his marriage? Doesn't anyone have any values or morals anymore? I guess I am just really depressed today...must be PMS

Hi Kag,

What are you going to do for YOU today? Your weather isn't that much different from mine & I know my yard is beckoning...along with laundry, re-arranging some stuff cuz I wanna, the best yellow horse EVER, some gardening preparation...SO much to do...! H might drive by or something but I won't notice, I'll be way too busy (and happy in the NON-drama!) to notice. Ah, well.

It's been 4 months for me & I can say the happy definitely out-weighs the heartbreak...but, it still creeps up. Thank God I've got the support system I do, and whether I realize it or not I really AM getting stronger. My last breakdown was 4/9 & while the thought of calling H entered my head, instead it was someone who could talk me down from the tower I called. Yes I miss him but there is SO MUCH I'm not putting up with while he's gone! And you know what? Honestly, my kids, DD/11 especially, are SO much better off.

OH yea, the "bad guy" complex. Tell me Kag, are you doing something BAD?!?!?!?! Mean ol' you, refusing to engage in the wayward lifestyle your H has adopted that is causing his loved ones great pain and disappointment??

I think you should just file. I know it's scary but bascially at this point this thing is like an anvil around your neck. Just do it & be done. He'll be angry as he!! for a few days & then it'll blow over, and you'll feel better. Keep in mind, it is ALL reversible. You're not looking for a divorce here, it is just a formality for the interim. Are you reading anything right now? Once I filed I had approx. 30 days to get myself to a point where I could be confident, composed, and lovingly detached enough to sit in that courtroom with H. I did it! And now I'm reading it a second time thru. It has helped immensely.

Stay strong. Keep fighting the GOOD fight. Get up & do something.

Thanks Julie,

I am actually in Boston visiting my divorced brother and his daughter. We went to a museum today and hung out in town. Of course all I could see were these happy families which made me more depressed. I think I am just in a funk.

Planning on getting up at 5am with my boys and brother to see the reenactment of the battle of lexington and concord(revolutionary war) and spend the day there, parades etc. Patriots Day is very big in MA. Next day we do a historic trolley tour, see paul revere's house and more....then on to the circus. So if that isn't busy I don't know what is. Yet my mind keeps drifting. I think it is because another big step has been taken, he is finally moving into his own place vs. staying with a friend. So it gets more real(I know it is real but sometimes it just doesn't seem possible) Like maybe this is just all a bad dream.

I am very concerned that he is so close, makes contact all that more likely.

I will file as soon as a close on the stupid loan. Need his signature. Lawyer has all the info. working on gathering the financial documents that she will need. It is soooo weird, I feel guilty about doing it. It doesn't make any sense. He totally betrayed me and destroyed me and I feel bad that he is going to get screwed in this divorce. He is going to get hit hard financially, alimony plus child support, lose his house, lose 1/2 pension and more...then I also get physical custody of the kids and legal custody of my youngest. Why do I feel bad that he is going to come out on the worse end of it?

Well been in plan B for 3 months and now onto Plan D. Talked to SH and he agrees time for plan D to protect me financially and get the custody agreement on paper. He said sometimes there can be commotion after filing sometimes nothing...we will see. Papers go out first week of May. SH also recommended sending a second plan B letter 2 weeks after filing.

I sent this recommendation to my cousin's husband and his response was pretty funny ....


I have such mixed emotions, mostly I am very sad that it has to come to this. I feel sorry for WH, he is going to get hit hard financially and custody wise. I really don't think he has a clue of what things are going to look like after D. Maybe he doesn't care, right now nothing matters when you have your soul-mate.

Is OW really worth seeing his kids every other weekend and once a week? Is OW really worth losing your home? Is OW really worth losing friends and extended family? Is OW really worth working full-time and giving 1/2 your salary to your ex? I don't get it....I really don't.

We really did have a nice life, beautiful home, lots of travel and vacations, great kids......I know the stress of our youngest special needs kid did push us apart by why couldn't we have worked on that. Why does he have to leave?

I am falling out of anger which isn't good for me....I fall into a pool of sadness. But I guess I need to process all the emotions to let go.

Kag I so understand what you're saying.It's so illogical how they can throw their whole life away for a woman.I have reached the stage where I can be happy without WH.I forced myself to go out with friends and socialise and now I really enjoy myself...its quite liberating...obviously I would like to have my H back but either way I'll be ok..I hope you get to this point in this rollercoaster ride we're on.

I truely believe that we will be better off in the long run then WH's.The statistics show this too.The hard part will be if they want to come back...and we have to make a choice where we want to be in our lives...with or without them.

How long did it take for you to reach this point!

My heart aches and I so want to reach indifference!