Ani,

I can only give you insight from the struggle I went through. My husband still has a hard time facing how close we came to being over. Last night we were talking about some friends we have going through some similar struggles as we have been through, and I was able to remind him he's not the same man I served with notice of pending divorce (required meeting for divorcing parents) and I'm not the same woman as I was then.

I like what someone wrote on another beginner plan b thread - about radically banning thoughts of "him". All betrayed spouses who successfully recover themselves in this process went through a mentally toughening up process. It can't even be "don't think about him" because then you think about him trying not to think about him.

To me, it's about filling your life up with things you need to do to become a better and stronger Ani. Mentally, physically, emotionally.

So, my suggestion for today is to outline 3 things you need to get to being/doing in your life that will make you a better Ani. Then break each one down into small doable tasks you can get started doing.

Also, pick a different kind of music that focuses you on a new life.

Janet Jackson's Black Cat is one that I've used to focus up before.

Refuse to allow anything on the stage of your mind for more than 10 seconds that reminds you of him, or puts you into a funk. You have the stage cane that yanks those things off the stage. Use it - with humor and dignity!

Got it?

Kayla suggestions are great. If you tell us what things you are going to work on, we can try to help you with them.

I think getting your focus off your WH and onto yourself is really what you need to do. I think imagining that he died would be helpful for you. You need to get off the "is this working?" thing.

Have you been working on yourself? Have you examined your own behaviors that led up the affair? How you might have been LB'ing him? This is a great time for that.

When you catch yourself thinking about (or obsessing over) your WH, try to replace the thought with "This means my life is not full enough" and then think of something you're going to do to take care of yourself.

Bad day yesterday. I'm pretty sure WH is with OW. Without going into details...he is lying to her AGAIN. When he feels he is backed into a corner is the only time he will tell me the truth. Maybe they are lies, I don't know. The thing I do know is that he is lying to both of us. Why do WS do that? Why lie to both? If he wants to be with OW why lie to her??

Ani - now is the time to realize this isn't your problem or concern. What did you do yesterday for you?

I went to one of my clients offices (Dr's Office) and worked up a referral for a patient. I started a new job about a month ago. So far, so good. Booked a flight to go out of town in a few weeks. A nice get a way just for me. I think I'm over this Kayla. Husband said yesterday he didn't know if he wanted a divorce, then 4 hours later when he was mad said he did. I told his father...after all this time what has been going on. He is disappointed of course. I never spoke poorly about my husband to him..in fact told him I loved him and wanted out marriage to work. But, I cannot live in a marriage like this. He understood. When my husband found out he was so mad and said "after this, now I want a divorce." Then, of course later different story. I know he's telling OW that we're through etc. That's what he used to tell her before so I'm just assuming of course. I'm sure he's not telling her that he's telling mr most of the time (except when he's mad) that he doesn't know if he wants a divorce. I have an appointment with an attorney. I will see what my options are. I need to move away from this situation. I believe my husband will sit out there for as long as he can as long as no one disturbs him. OW is so desperate she'll sit with him as long as she has to. With no pride in herself. She did this with her first husband and is now doing it to mine. She's not new to this. Probably deep down likes to see if she can "win" the married man. She is unattractive ( not just me saying that but others as well. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see it) She probably had few dates if any other than her affairs with married men. Women like that will take what they can get. In her case only married men. Anyway, can't dwell on her. I'm moving forward with me and not turning back.

Are you ready to do a true Plan B?

Because today no taking his calls, emails or texts. Have your intermediary get in touch with him; if you don't have an intermediary, get one to filter e-mails for essential stuff.

Letting him yank you around with I love you, I'm sorry - I hate you and I'm filing for divorce crap is crap!

No Contact means you don't let it in.

Begin there.

Because they are destructive, hurtful creatures.

Ani, you know that he is lying to you and will continue to lie to you as long as he is still a wayward spouse, so why have any communication with him? It can only hurt you.

Your WH will do what he will do. You can't change that. You can't control him and make him do anything. Nothing you say is going to make him wake up and come out of the Fog. You've already said everything there is to say, right? Why keep saying it? It just hurts both of you.


Because you are letting him.

You've been getting some good advice on here, Ani. Kayla and SL are great. Are you really reading their advice and trying to apply it?

I spoke to WH and told him I was going to see an atty. I said I will not be in a marriage of three. I was not angry, just asked if there was anything he wanted to say first. I told him I needed to gather info. He didn't want me to see an atty because they will take all our money, but suggested if that's "what I want" then we can see a mediator. I am over this. If he wants to be with OW then so be it. I am not going to change that with any plan. He wants a divorce one day then next day "he doesn't know". It seems as though he can't make up his mind. He asked me not to sign anything at the appt. I say...I am through with his mind blowing games and am ready to put this nightmare behind me.

Can I still Plan B even after I said I want to see an atty?

What do you want to have happen, Ani?

Ani,

First things first, okay?

Do you want a divorce or just a financial (separation) agreement? Either one you will need to contact a lawyer for.

Ani, please take some time to reread the material here and THEN make a more informed decision. Your situation is not unique on this forum. YOu are making it unique by how you hang on to this man and his every word; you could, potentially, be wasting valuable time, by vacillating here.

I think it's always wise to get legal counsel and discuss your options, but divorce should not be used as a weapon, and it's certainly a risky proposition to attempt it's use to clear your WH's fog. Very risky.

Ani - you and your husband have "played head games" with each other and this is more of the same.

Do what you must do for yourself, not to get a response from him, but because its the right thing to do.

If that means file for divorce, be certain that your reasons are because you want a divorce and nothing more to do with him ever. No thought of recovery.

But that path is not Marriage Builders. Just so we're clear.

I don't want a divorce. I feel like I have to get one. I know my WH is with OW again. After he moved home the second time I thought..OK he obviously sees that the relationship isn't going anywhere. He chose to come home, according to his friend "excited". Then after a few months he must have decided he didn't want to be home and left to be with her. I guess my thoughts are if he left for her twice doesn't that say enough? He chose her. So why should I sit here day after day...for what?

Why would you want to just sit there waiting "for him"?

You can have a very fulfilling life without doing anything about the marriage.

I can tell this drives you nuts to not be able to control his actions. But perhaps that's a characteristic of your personality that doesn't serve you or your marriage.

Are you ready to just focus on you without taking actions to force his hand?

I don't feel like I'm trying to control him. I simply want some kind of closure, I guess. I feel like he's out there testing the waters, enjoying himself...while he expects me to remain faithful (yes, he said it would bother him if I dated..and he didn't think I was that kind if woman). There is a huge double standard. I think my husband could go on like this for a long time. No one is upsetting his apple cart. If I sit back and just let him have his cake and eat it too...why would he decide.. he has everything he wants. No consequences for this affair. At this point I don't care what the decision is anymore...I just want a decision. He knows I love him and want our marriage to work. But...he can't keep disrespecting me and our marriage. He now says..."we're seperated it's not an affair!!!!!" I added we're still married.

I don't think you'll like the decision you are trying to force HIM to make. And I think you ARE trying to control him and the outcome.

Why?

Because every little thing you do and think is about HIM. NOW.

Patience can work out something quite different if you are willing to act differently than you have been up to this moment.

You see his actions as disrespecting you. I see YOUR actions as disrespecting you.

He is NOT All THAT!

You need a life. And you can give that to yourself without going to extremes to get him to do something.

Plan B will help you. A really TRUE Plan B - not this thing with no edges that has you in contact, hanging on his every action.

If you want to force him to do something, do this. Take yourself out of the equation, and FORCE HER to meet all his needs. Because he chooses disrespect, and you respect yourself, you remove yourself from contact.

Now. If you are worried about bills - that he has obligations to pay, get a legal separation to take care of that. But then go completely dark, where he can only speak to your filter (intermediary). Change your phone # if you have to.

Are you ready to take control of you, unconditionally?

Are you ready to respect yourself? Irrespective of how he treats you?

I have to run to work and won't be able to respond until tonight - but do this: List out what you need to do to set up a true Plan B - if it takes two years of darkness from you before you take another step regarding your marriage. If you own a house, then a Plan B preparation means setting things up so that he fulfills his obligations to the marriage. If you need a job or a purpose to fill your days with something other than obsessing that he is with another woman while still married to you, do it. Make that list and we can talk about it tonight.

OK. I'll talk to you tonight. I just picked up the book I bought the other day Your Best Life Now. I turned to a page that says to turn it over to God. That I don't have to fix everything that happens to me. That God is fighting my battles, and he has promised to make wrongs right...in His timing not mine. It's very hard to think that after he left a second time that he would ever come back. Do they come back after leaving a second time???

Go, Kayla!

Ani, Some DO come back, some don't. There is no way that you or anybody here can KNOW that answer. You are soooo enmeshed with him, LET HIM GO, AS IF you are divorced, or AS IF he were dead, gone, nowhere to be found.

You don't need a divorce in order to live as if you are. Going into a dark Plan B, and preparing yourself for a life without him, IF that ends up being the case, is what will benefit YOU the most.

Kayla has given you some great real-life solid things to DO. Make the lists, check them twice. Make this about YOU, about weathering this whole mess with dignity and gaining self respect. Unlocking your self worth.

Ani, I probably more than anyone else struggled horribly with building a life for myself and imagining that my WH was gone forever.

I am fighting just as hard as ever for my M, but I have turned it over to G-d. He is the ONLY one who can fix this. And he needs me to stay out of the way while he does.

Jamesus emailed me yesterday and said that he saw this church sign and I am going off of memory. Be still while G-d untangles things.

I was so absorbed with my H through the years that I lied to myself that I was fixing him or taking care of him. All I managed to do was screw up my M and take away his journey in life and the lessons he needed to learn. Consequently G-d created all this in our lives to work on BOTH of us.

You might have that same journey. You might be going through this because you have stuff that you need to learn and work through. And what if you avoiding it, is avoiding bringing H home.

WE ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT CONTROL WHAT OUR WH DO. But we can learn our lessons and make a life for ourselves, EVEN IF WE DON'T WANT TO. And I don't. But I am because I trust G-d more than I trust myself and he has plans.

Listen to what people are saying and learn your lessons.