Thank you Cinder, This is perfect for me tonight. I really apprecaite this and will read it again before I go to sleep.

JT,

AH, WASL life, thank goodness there is life after WASL say around May 2nd? How about we think about hooking up maybe Memorial Weekend. I have a 4 day weekend that time? You.

I'm glad you got to be with G-d this weekend. I imagine it was quite an impact on you. Care to share what you learned?

How is your health.

Yes, I am lucky that he is talking and we are just being honest with stuff and working through. I don't want to be a witch, but life goes on and no matter what his job is school. I need to somehow find the strength to keep our family healing and moving along for when my H comes home.

You are so right Cinder, when I have the man on my side, I am one blessed person, someone who is safe and that feels nice right now. Thank you again.

Hi Queenie, I am always keeping an eye on your thread. I want to ask you something.


What are the things, problems, behaviors, habits, issues in your life that you have changed during this time and how did you do it?
I only ask because I know God wants me to learn a lot of things during this time, and I know which ones are but I can not seem to really do it. I am talking about this one in particular.
I am really bad at budgeting. I am not a wise stewardship of my money, and I know my husband doesn't like that. I have tried to change this but can not seem to really stick to any plan!! ooouch!!

I have gained like 20 pounds during this year
The anxiety and stress of all this situation makes want to eat all the time, or I will pick my face to the point that I have not been able to go out because I have very bad blisters on my face....my husband doesn't like this either!!!



This has been my major problem... I want to be the one that changes my husband!!!....I have come a long way though......
But I have not come to the point that I let go of completely....
This makes me feel guilty all the time towards God....I feel I'm doubting him.....
I think you have come a long way.....It has been absolutely amazing to read the first page of this thread and to read your posts now....you have matured a lot...you have grown so much....you should be proud of yourself, of the strong, godly woman you have become.
I think there is a much greater purpose than just recover our M....for all of us.....I would love to give back what i have been given, and I know you are already doing this.
Keep it up Queenie!!
I can not sleep either!!

Angie.

The first thing that started happening was the weight loss. And then I went back to AA and started awakening to the person I had become on the inside which was a dry drunk who had lived a life of craziness for a LONG time. I immediately got a sponsor, began working the steps, attended meetings VERY regularly. I joined a gym, began exercising. I gave up just about ALL my volunteer work, began cleaning my house in many ways particularly my bedroom.

My sponsors' walk in the past year when I came back to the rooms was to learn to trust G-d and that became my Mantra, or the most important thing above all else. I just put one toe in front of the other and when I didn't want to go on, I would reach out for help, I would reach out for G-d. I took responsibility for my PARTS of the M that I had destroyed, and somehow had to come to terms with what I HAD done, though as you can see from today, I still struggle with it.

It was actually apparent from the moment WH left that I no longer carried that anger inside of me for who I had become, I immediately became a better steward of the money, and the craziness that existed in our house, no longer existed. The thing that always amazed me was this craziness had immediately stopped in our house and when I was talking to WH, I listened to what was going on with him and it occured to me, that he was creating the same thing he had with me, with her. He even noticed it.

There is NO DOUBT that in my sitch there is a greater purpose than just my M recovery. It was my personal recovery. My spiritual walk in life with G-d ABOVE all else. I read Psalm 23 in many different ways I was willing enough to be honest that G-d forced me to lay down in green pastures to restore my soul. There is a bracelet I have on, given to me from Johnstwin who had made it, but never knew why. The first time we met, she told me the story of making the bracelet and came to realize she made the bracelet for me. I had my answer of why this was happening.

I love my H with all my heart and soul, I want him home and I want my M restored, BUT he is passive-agressive, manipulating and controlling and has been for our whole married life. It was back in October, before I think this thread started, there are a few others that I posted on in the VERY BEGINNING and I was a TOTAL MESS, worse than today, but one day I was at my copy machine at work and I believe that G-d started talking to me. He told me that my WH was unhappy in his life and blamed me and our M on everything. He believed the OW would make him happy, but what I had started coming to understand was that it wasn't my job or hers to make him happy. That was really his relationship with G-d which would bring him the happiness I KNEW he was looking for because I had to LEARN the same LESSON. And it was then that I realized that G-d told me to give him my WH and get out of the way. He was bringing him down and to stay out of it and learn to take care of myself. I remember G-d telling me on that day that he KNEW how much I LOVED my H, something I had wondered, but that I always tried to fix my H and in the end I took away his journey of learning things in life that he needed to learn himself and I was not G-d and so, I had to get out of the way and let G-d do what G-d was going to do. This has been the HARDEST for me, letting absolutely go of my H. But I am way better, and Plan B has really sped up that process.

I went into a modified Plan B for almost a month of not talking to him, but had never sent a letter. Mimi, a gift from G-d came into my life at that time and started mentoring me in Plan A and I worked Plan A to the best of my ability whenever I got the chance. I think people on here thought I did as strong a Plan A as I could given the awful circumstances, and it Plan B was just always the ultimate goal to get me to. Both in heart and mind and having them be in sync. I could never imagine myself 6 months ago, not checking his phone log. I did it ALL day long. I was crazy with having to know what WH was up to.

I remember doing things in Plan A that were BOLD and FUN. I will ALWAYS treasure the day I went to work, showed up after so long, brought him something to eat, was looking amazing at 70 lbs and hugged him. He has NEVER not once commented by himself on my weight loss. Only after I said something, and not even really then. But the FUNNEST DAY was showing up at his lacrosse game. I had NEVER in all my life felt so empowered.

This journey has been about my relationship with G-d and FACING, HONESTLY AND OPENLY, the person I had become, the marriage that it had turned into and be willing to change EVERYTHING about myself, but letting G-d direct those changes. So whatever successes I have are HIS and only HIS. Mimi would give me suggestions to do, Johnstwin and Mark especially would give me scripture to hold onto during those dark times and each day would just come and go. TMTS, would stay up with me during the late hours and just keep me posting so I wouldn't go into that darkness that would consume me. And I would get so much encouragement from others. I had also been talking to SmartiePants since the summer on the phone and she saved my A$$ many times when I would call and be a crying mess.

I prayed to G-d to transform me into a Proverbs 31 woman, and I continued to just work the AA program, listen to my sponsor, exercise, and trust in G-d. Since the very beginning I addressed EVERY possible addiction to ANYTHING, but the ultimate was the one to my H and I work on that one everyday. It's a battle I tell ya, but it's better and better, because I know that G-d wants him and wants me out of the way. Plan B is giving G-d what he wants and that's where the blessings will come.

It was that simple, but the HARDEST thing I ever did, was truly learn to just turn my will and my life over to the care of G-d. Angie, you were brought into my life to remember and be accountable to all the good that has happened in my life since D-day. It's not my M yet, but maybe that is one day.
You're right I have come a long way, and I have to give G-d the glory of this, because he is the one who was patient to not give up on me and I was willing to do whatever it took and be honest and change everything that was required. My LIFE depended on it.

Thank you for asking. I am here for you ANYTIME you need me and please feel free to email me. G-d takes where we are and as long as we are open works in us little by little. I certainly didn't see the changes each day, but last week my sponsor telling me I am NOT the same person and tonight, realizing and be willing to honestly and proudly say I am NOT that same person. I am a woman of G-d today who has her moments of sadness and despair, but NEVER gives up.

Just start talking to G-d all the time, everyday, all day long and be willing to hear the answers. And come to this forum often and post and listen.

{{{{{{{{{Angie}}}}}}}} You were my sign from G-d tonight. Please know how special you are and the miracle you just gave me. Thank you....

Look it everyone.. I slept almost 2 1/2 hours at one time.

I'll try a little more now.

There is no way for me to express how deeply loved for each one of you who have helped me. Gratitude seems hardly enough, but it is with my most humbled and deepest appreciation that you are all in my life and I thank you.

Angie, our job is not to change anyone else, but ourselves. If nothing else, learn that G-d loves your H as much as you do, actually way more than you can ever imagine and is suffering through the choices that your WH is making.

Our only job is to become who G-d has always wanted us to be, and leave the rest to him. It's not EASY, but it's the only way.

Learning that I had NO CONTROL over OTHERS was HARD, but each day I come to a better understanding and just keep praying for more understanding and the willingness.

Learn to say this prayer
G-d grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Read the bible, especially the psalms and proverbs, they brought me so much comfort. G-d has a plan for us, he knows the beginning and knows the end. Our job is to not thwart him, but just go along for the ride, completely trusting it will be better than we can ever imagine.

I STILL STRUGGLE WITH THIS, but I get to repeat it to myself when I get to share it with you. And yes, we will need to give back to those who come after us and love on them the way so many love on us now. That is Tikkum Olam, repairing the world which is what G-d really wants us to do.

(((((Queenie)))))

My goodness woman, what an inspiration you have become!


You know how I like to look at church signs on the way to and from places these days. Saw one for the first time today on the way to work, and thought of how similar our situations are.. the words though jumped out at me as it's about one of our mantras here:

God wants you to BE STILL so that HE can untangle the knot.


It hit me on a number of levels. Of course the BE STILL jumped out at me.. we hear that all the time around here. But 'the knot' being something commonly associated with marriage.. and the tangles being our circumstances and the OP..

It's so true.. just like a child who can't untie his shoes because he's knotted them up.. and won't sit still for his loving parent to untangle the mess.. God wants us to be still so that He can work out the problems in our lives.

Just spreading the love.. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to see you so strong and standing proud in your faith. You've come a long way woman! I'm so proud to have known you.

J

It was rough last night. I had a pretty bad meltdown, but you know Mimi, she was right there with SL telling me to snap out of it.

I'm working on standing strong. It's knows me, not known me. We still talk remember and are in each others lives to help each other through this.



I like that saying and when I get to work will print it up and put it out there for me.

Thank you... I slept a few hours last night, but woke up out of a dead sleep so I am really groggy. But that's ok. I slept a little longer I think.

How are you?

Hey Queenie,

Just checking in on you. Have been thinking about you and hoping that you are OK. You are in my thoughts and prayers...

Hey Chai,

I shook off that ucky mood. I had a LONG day at work, was so tired and out of it, but my boss was occupied most of the day and so I could keep to myself.

My OS played in an amazing game tonight, it was 13-11. They won. One of the refs knows my H really well. He and I have always been friendly, but tonight we really connected because he is from DC area and a Redskin fan. So, I fully took advantage of enlightening him on my WH sitch. He was blown away. I'm not going down without a fight and even if I lose, people are going to know he was not in his right mind.

How are you doing, how was the new store opening?

Hopefully we can talk soon.

((((((Queenie))))))

Good evening you fine GODDESS you....how are things??? Well, I saw you got some better sleep. That's good. I know its hard....BTDT...I hate when my insominia kicks in...weirdly, it pretty much has stayed at bay since all of this began. Oh sure, I've had some rough nights, and that first week...I think I got about 10 hrs., but for the most part it hasn't been too bad. And this from the girl who got so very little sleep for months when we were dealing with DD14 sitch.

Anyway, I am so glad to hear about your sons game...and how well you are handling your sons grades sitch. You are such a strong and vibrant person. Know that.

If ANYTHING good comes out of these sitch's, it is all the wonderful people I have meet along the way on here.

Anway love, try to get some sleep tonight...and did you try the journeling yet?????

Sweet dreams....my prayers go up for you...

not2fun

Once upon a time, when I was still good and depressed - a couple of years after x moved out, I was driving to see my mom - about 400 miles. Anyway, I was driving down this 2 lane state highway in the middle of West Nowhere and I saw a sign in front of a church.

Seek God and He will find you.

I really needed that at the time. It has served me well all these years - about 9 or 10 years since I saw it.

{{{{{{{{{NOT}}}}}}}

Hi there,

I am doing better today. Yes, the sitch with my YS is ok so far. He went to school and talked to one of the teachers who told him how to start digging out. He plans to talk to two more tomorrow and then the other one the day after.

I spoke with his counselor and she had already emailed his teachers. She said that basically it was up to him to communicate with his teachers on what he could do to save himself. I think she prefers me to stay out of it, support him from home, assist in anyway I can, but let this be his journey and not fix it for him. Let him live natural consequences. Fortunately I have had MANY years of practice with my OS and I am very comfortable and supportive of this.

Never in my life have I had sleeping problem until D-day. Mentally and spiritually I am in a better place today. The meltdown in a way was good for me, it completely exhausted my spirit and soul and let G-d work on me. You are so RIGHT. There is GOOD that has come out of this already and for me to deny it would be DISMISSING G-d and there is NO WAY I could EVER do that again. I agree, I think those of us who have become a part of each of our lives will carry this support with us forever in ways that we can't even imagine today. I know G-d needs me to keep my FAITH and TRUST, my positive attitude and my loving spirit no matter what.

I didn't journal last night, but I do have one started, hopefully tonight I can get some in. Boston Legal is on. My favorite show and I might try and watch it.

{{{{Sleep tight sweet one, Not}}}}}}}}}}

And I am very blessed because he did find me. He always knew where I was, I just lost him. I don't plan to make that mistake again in my life.

I'm so glad this has helped you through the years. I plan to remember this for a very long time. Hopefully the rest of my life. My relationship with G-d is the blessing in all this. And there is NO WAY I could EVER deny that. I don't know if I can say it was worth the cost of my M. What I can say is I am grateful that G-d trusted me to seek him when this happened. How he knew, I don't know. But to think of me going through this bitter, angry, crazy and without him scares me to DEATH of what could have happened.

Thanks Cinder... When so many of us who says things that touch our hearts in profound ways, we can take comfort it is G-d working in our lives and helping each other through.

{{{{{{{{{{Cinder}}}}}}}}}

Yeah, sometimes we just get disconnected from Him. But, if we are open and seeking, He will find us.

Sometimes, He talks to me from strange places....like in the George Burns movies.....like on car license plates. Words from people's mouths. Signs on buildings. Lines in songs. And, not always religious songs.

There really have been times when I turned on the radio and there He was....it was someone else's voice. But, it was Him speaking to me.

When I had my wreck last month, He took care of me. Made a space in the rush hour traffic on the interstate for my out-of-control car to go careening around and not hit anyone. A fireman was at the window of my car before I could figure out what happened and that I really was still alive. A highway incident truck was there within 2 minutes. And, I walked away from it all......
How much will He take care of you?

Just give Him room to work.

I am not too proud to ask, how do you do this? I think I am, but I have to wonder if I am completely and I want to with all my heart and soul.

How are you doing physically by the way?

Yes, G-d is gracious and good and shelters us with his safety when we need it most.

I went to my AA meeting tonight. The study was on the family afterwards. Last week it was about the two wives.

I spoke for the first time in a long time about the journey and these past 11 months. I really opened up about how I continue to stand for my M, against all hope and let G-d have my H, which is something I couldn't have imagined me ever doing.

I realized that WH is so into his addiction that I started prayign to see him walk through the AA doors for himself. Not for our M, but himself. One man who has always been extra nice to me, he has been married for 50 years came up and asked me my H name and said he was going to start praying for him. I feel comfort from that.

So many people find my WH's behaviour appalling, blah... blah... but addicts and alcoholics understand compassionately the destruction. And thought it's hard to accept that this is an addiction, they can accept he is destroying his life and a family with it and they hurt for that if nothing else.

Well, tomorrow is ONE MONTH in Plan B. And I think for the most part I have remained as dark as possible. I no longer look at emails, cell phone logs. I have NO IDEA what is happening in WH's world today and I just keep praying and hoping that one day he will walk into the rooms of AA and be my H again.

In this month, I learned I still have the ability to meltdown, but that I also know it will end. I have learned that I love this man so much and I probably always will. I have learned that being away from him is calmer, although I still miss him so much. And I have learned that I am willing to keep holding the space for our M and completely letting G-d have him.

I still have a hard time forgiving myself, but I am becoming more accepting. I haven't lost much weight lately, and my food isn't as good as it was, but I am still exercising and asking G-d for help. I have a LONG way to go, but I am not giving up.

All in all, not bad for one month of Plan B.

I say FABULOUS JOB with one month of PLAN B!!

Thanks Mimi,

Did I miss anything I should or could have done? Or not done?

I think you are WONDERFUL..such an INSPIRATION..like a breath of fresh air...