Sorry, long story....

My H had A back in '06. I figured it out within 2 days from it's start. They met on a Harley ride OOT. H lied about being married at 1st - then OW eventually didn't care either way. OW's H died year before. They talked a lot about me and H and how H didn't know what he wanted anymore, I wasn't paying enough attention to him and we were living as roommates (S was infrequent and boring). Well, the feeling was mutual, but when I brought it up, I was being too needy (his words). The A lasted Sept. - Dec. and 2 phone calls in Jan. '07. I contacted her in Jan. and told her I was withdrawing from my relationship with H. She could have him, she stated that they were done. She didn't want him after being lied to the whole time and realized he was still in love with me. She couldn't continue for her own peace of mind to be the OW.

Anyway, I said I would try and work it out in Jan. '07, but have told H twice since then, I don't think I have it in me anymore. It's/he's too much effort and no matter what he does, I don't see him staying faithful and contributing to the relationship the way I need. (Professional counselng is out of the question for H)

Almost every conversation we have ends in an argument. I see me trying to "win" (like it's a competition)since the whole time of the A, I knew details and he didn't know I did, so his lies hurt more than if I didn't know they were lies. (sorry for any confusion)

I feel like our marriage is a real "battle of the sexes". If H says something I feel I must get in there and defend my ideas, hopes, fears and dreams or they will be crushed again.

How do I get past this? I know my hurt feelings are sabotaging my relationship. Though I know I could leave at any time and I don't want him to do it, because I've felt that before, I'm lost. I'm taking on too much control of this relationship, some of it is not my responsibility. (I'm not passing the buck) I know I'm making this marriage suffer or hindering real recovery in my own mind all by myself. I feel because he let me down, I must be in control of all I can. My happiness, sadness, anger, etc. It's even getting to the point that I'm becoming anal about insignificant things, just to have some "real" control.

Since May '07 H has made real efforts to work things out, but I continue to feel like I'm just passing time with him. Honestly, there have been maybe 20 times in the past 11 months that I can say I thought I was really in love with him. The rest of the time, I feel like I just tolerate him. I hate that. I want to be in love with someone. Maybe it isn't him afterall. I think about having an A a lot. I dream about it, think about it and know who I'd want the OM to be. HELP!!!!

So, that's how HE feels about it. That doesn't meant it's out of the question for YOU. You sound like you have a lot of anger/grief/trauma to process from this affair and could use professional guidance to do it.

Why don't you consider going to see a counselor - that way you can find safe ways to process through what was done to you without sabotaging the marriage you worked to save?

Mys

Thanks for the response.

Yes, he thinks counseling is not for him.

I initially thought about going. However, I went for 8 months after the very 1st A that happened in 1995 during our 1st year of marriage. It only made me see how hurt I was and that my only real resolution was to get out. Back then I really loved him with my whole heart. I was willing to do ANYTHING to stay married, even kiss the ground he walked on. I no longer feel that strong for him. (I know in some ways that's good -- no one should kiss the ground anyone walks on). I just feel that I have to comprise much of my life to please him and it's tiring.

He tells me often how the A was the "best thing" that ever happened to us. (the most recent one --- I'm supposed to have forgotten the others, they are in the past - his words) I don't think the A was the "best thing", I actually know that I'm distancing myself from him in many ways. He notices some of it. I don't look at him the way I used to, I don't offer affectionate touches spontaneously, I don't sit on the same piece of furniture when we watch movies, I don't snuggle in bed. All of that affection makes me think that it can one day be taken from me and I'll be betrayed if I let me guard down. No affection means I can't be hurt again like before. It isn't that I've completely withdrawn all affection, but when I do show some, it isn't from the heart. I no longer feel happy about doing it, it feels like a "have to".

Thanks for reading. I think I always knew counseling should be my first step. I just didn't want to face it. I just hate that I am the one who has to talk to someone to get passed this and he just goes on without a care.

I guess I'm a little afraid to talk to someone, because they may tell me I should leave. Though that may be the "right" thing and I have no problem being alone, I don't want to have to deal with him if we're not together. He can be very emotionally hurtful.

If your counselor tells you to leave that doesn't mean you have to do it. Your counselor is only human - you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

However, it is a good, ethical place you can go and get some support, encouragement, and good ideas on how to manage what seems to be a lot of unresolved issues bubbling underneath the surface.

If you have the insight to see that you are causing your marriage to fail and that is not what you *really* want to do, then the best place to start is with counseling to find out why. Maybe you *ARE* subconsciously trying to send a signal to yourself and leaving is something you should consider.

Either way, it's better to have it figured out than to continue on in confusion and pain. Ya know?

Mys

Your counselor will be in the best position to give detailed advise. I will only say that regardless of what he has done, do yourself a favor and don't have an A. If you can't fix this and it ends, then you are free to pursue a legitimate relationship that you can feel good about. However justified or desperate you feel, an A will simply make you feel like cr*p - eventually if not at first. So whatever you do, take a legitimate path. You won't regret it.

I think I would be forthright and truthful with him. I would let him know that the affair wasn't the best thing that ever happened to your marriage, that you are barely hanging on by a thread. See what he says to THAT.