There are many schools of thought on how to cope with infidelity. What made you choose this particular forum as your "discussion home"?

For me, it was the tough, straight-shooting approach of the Harleys both in their books and in the online articles, and of many of their students who posted on these forums. I much prefer the accountability of "owning your own garbage" than the "warm and fuzzy" approach.

How did you get here? Was it by accident, or chosen after the "shop and compare" approach?

Do you participate in other marriage forums as well, or is this it for you?

keepitreal, I am becoming a fan of yours. I found MB after learning of my H's OW becoming pg with his child. I am thankful to God for directing me here. Pepperband, Melodylane, Orchid, Believer, Foreverhers, RIF, Ark and many others saved my sanity. I am so thankful for the straight forward posts and the occasional 2x4's I received. I have learned and grown so much being a part of this community. It saddens me to see it become just another place for the PC thought police to tell us what we can and cannot say and for the coddlers of evil to thrive.

I found a link to this site after a google search.

I instantly knew I had found gold.

It thankfully wasn't like any of the other sites. Thank God for that.

I agree completely. It is sad, and a little sickening also, that the place that saved our M just a few months ago has been reduced to a haven for those that would knowingly choose wrong over right, fully aware of the consequences. Thank God I came when I did. This "new and improved" environment certainly would not have turned me around!

If it hadn't been for straight-shooting posters like Mrs. and Mr. Wondering, BigKahuna, TYK, mopey, RIF, MelodyLane and others, I would have never been inclined to take a hard look at myself and change my entitled, selfish ways. Instead, it would have led us down the path of coddling my ignorance, sympathizing with my treachery and, ultimately...DIVORCE. A concept over which I'm sure those that feel "comfortable" here now are frothing at the mouth. After all, if their married affair partners end up divorced, evil prevails.

And though all the winds of doctrine were let loose to play upon the earth, so Truth be in the field, we do injuriously, by licensing and prohibiting, to misdoubt her strength. Let her and Falsehood grapple; who ever knew Truth put to the worse, in a free and open encounter?

Well said, LaLa!

My pastor began explaining the concepts to me beginning with the Love Bank without ever mentioning Dr Harley. I did a Google search on Love Bank and found this place.

The first thing I saw was a banner at the side of the page that would flash quotes that were the same things I was hearing from my wife...

Within the first few hours of reading, I realized just how typical her affair was and that she was following the WW script. I figured that if she was saying and doing the same things as every other WS, maybe the same things that ended those affairs would work in our case.

Yep. It pretty much went according to the plan...

Mark

Thank you for your kind words; the respect is mutual.

I appreciate being able to hear what brought each of you here. It is cheering to read your posts and to be assured that the MB spirit is still alive and well!

I looked up books on infidelity on Amazon and found Dr. Harley's books had the most positive reviews. So I bought 2. And in the books it has the MB website addy. And it's the best site. It's helped me immeasurably.

I wanted to end my wife's affair, not cope with it better.
I wanted to have my wife change her errant behaviour not "learn to accept her reality"
I wanted my kids to have a stable loving family, not effective co-parenting
I wanted to learn the error of my marital ways not be accepted for them
In short I wanted a better marriage and life, not learn to accept a bad one.

I found no other site that comes CLOSE to the old MB boards that shoots from the hip and layed out a direct route to a righteous marriage.

Thats why I came here, and also why I very rarely visit any more.

I came here after our MC recommended we read HN/HN. I saw the reference to the website in the book.

BTW, our MC was oblivious to H's continued stonewalling and actually showed me a list of "abusive behavior" warnings, which listed stuff like "checking up on spouse" "needing to know where they are" "limiting their choices of "friends"" etc. He was sympathetic to WH until WH pulled the stonewalling a third time...then MC said to leave him.

After my H had an EA, I was struggling to keep it together. Because I am a stay at home mom, I have a lot of time to think. This quickly became my enemy. So, I did a search online and found a marriage forum. I posted my story (on another board) and got ripped to shreads and lambasted for putting the blame on the wrong person. These women played hockey with my heart and brought me to a place so low I was in a state of shock. Thankfully, a person from here was doing a little looking around and saw the injustice of what they were doing. She sent me a private messege and sent me here. Our insurance changed in January and we are no longer able to have any counseling paid for so this has been my counseling. I've 'met' a few people I really bonded with and it has been a life and mind saver. I will forever be appreciative to SAUMICO>
thanks.

I was moderating a weight loss board for slim fast believe it or not! We used to talk about other things like relationships, etc, and how the stress and such would trigger some people to comfort themselves with food. Well, that talk went further to discuss some of the peoples issues they had in their marriages, including me. One of the members, who was only a member as short while, almost like she was only there to tell me about this place, a little "angel" emailed me and told me she knew someone who had been on this site called "marriage builders" and that is how I got here. Been here off and on ever since. 3 years now.

mlhb

Exactly.

The "new and improved" environment around here is a direct reflection of some of the new mods and their lack of objectivity that followed them into their new role.

Sadly, this is not the place it was a few years ago. When the likes of our Texas friend and other respected vets have all but left this board to the troll defenders and quasi recovered...well...something is wrong.

BTW, it was straight talkers like BobP, Plank, Mel, Pep and a few others that were a huge help to me early on....what would I find today?

Strangely enough my MIL gave me the book surviving an affair. It was an eye opener! I felt like all the crap I was living was right there in a book, I wasn't alone in it. I read all the harley books and worked with Steve. I loved Steve he knew what I would be feeling before I did.

Problem, my WH refused to continue with it, felt like it was all too simplified. Basically he didn't like being told what to do. And started up his A again so we went through false recovery.

Like they say you can only control yourself. Our my favorite saying "you can't teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig"

So I had to let go and let g@d...go to plan B. Realize that since MA has no legal sep. have to go to plan D to enforce custody boundaries and finances.

Even though all friends and family support me they don't understand plan B....but it saved my sanity. Doesn't aways fix it but helps BS from going insane or having a breakdown.

I don't usually post to the Infidelity forum but the title of your thread caught my eye in the 'latest posts' section.

I was 6 months into a separation (I initiated)and had been hanging out and posting heavily on a divorce forum for 9 months. The forum was wonderfully supportive but, understandably, not pro-marriage. The majority of people on the forum had spouses who had been involved in affairs. There was never any talk of 'recovering' from the affairs. Rather the prevailing feeling was 'once a cheater, always a cheater' so cut your losses and run. Someone (to whom I'll be forever grateful) mentioned this site and out of curosity I came over here and was very surprised.

Although, infidelity was not a part of the breakdown of my marriage - everything Dr. Harley says is dead-on. The love busters, DJ, love banks, withdrawal, time together. I saw immediately that these were all huge issues in my failing marriage and that they could be fixed. That was when I approached my stbx husband and told him I was interested in trying again. Here we are...4 months later and after a lot of MC, listening to and watching the MB CDs and DVD, we are moving back into together and selling my house! Things are not perfect but I do feel like MB gave me a lot of hope.

For all you 'old-timers' out there. I'm new, so I can't speak to the previous atmosphere of the forum but just having people post who have been here for years is very beneficial to us newbies. There's a lot of wisdom on these forums from those who have BTDT. Thanks for taking the time to help others.

When I was drowning in misery thanks to H and his ILYBINILWY speech I tried different sites to figure out what had happened to my M while I wasn't looking. My questions were not being answered and I had no idea which direction to turn.

Then out of the blue, a friend called me at work and suggested I should visit this site. She has never been married but she told me she monitors this site regularly and someday if she ever did get married, she knew she'd get lots of help here. By this time, I had already discovered H's A on my own, but when I explored here, I realized I might have saved myself 3 months of agony. The fog speech and the behavior were typical of an A.

Now we are in MC and I am still getting more answers here than at those meetings. When she tells me to forget the A and move on..I know from here that I am normal when I can't just move on and forget. It is a slow process that takes time, not ignorance.

Hey Fiori!
Glad to see you and FWH are doing better!

For me I used to visit the marriage board Fiori is talking about. It is a general marriage board, not a support board. I started out on the SAHM board on the same site and then found the marriage board. Then about a year ago a good friend of ours who lives out of state e-mailed us (DH and I) telling us her husband (who we are also close to) had an affair. I really couldn't be there for her so I did a google search of christian marriage forums and this site came up. I checked it out and was hooked. I told her about it but she never came here.... I never left! I am learning a lot about marriage and I am using it in my own marriage. I have down loaded the questionairs so I can print them out for DH and I to take. I know most people come here when there is an Affair but I am here to say it does help every marriage. I tell my married GF's they should check it out.

A few years ago, my SIL and her H got a divorce. During the process, their MC had them read HNHN. My BIL gave me the book to read, and told me that while it didn't save his marriage, perhaps it would help me avoid the same trouble.

After reading it, I saw the conditions that led to my parent's divorce. I thought that it was a good idea to address any issues in my M before it got to that point.

The book mentioned the website. The website was not quite what I had envisioned, but there is a lot of good information here.

Ahhhh shoot. . .

Well, those who know me as Larry178 will attest that I am not always careful with what I say

I haven't been here much of late simply because I have reached a plateau in marriage that appears to be as good as it is going to get. My wife dotes on me, or at least gives every appearance of so doing. I also "feel" that she has a reserve somewhere she isn't taping for any reason, preferring to simply believe in what we have and what we do and give it her all.

And I have a reserve as well. Without question, her infidelity and betrayal was the most awful experience of my life. So too was with whom she choose to lose her mind and morals with. That jerk is still lurking in my brain like a festering maggot. Frankly, the whole dern thing stills scares the tee wad diddly out of me.

I spent most of my beginning time on the recovery forum. GQII seemed to be faster and more combative that I could handle at least at the time. I needed the more reflective atmosphere found on recovery. That was then and this is now. Everyone is an individual. I can see clearly that many benefit from GQII that were lost on Recovery. And somewhere I lost my fear and for a time posted regularily here.

I found this site somehow. I don't remember exactly. And this site saved my life and sanity, period. I discovered that I wasn't a pathetic loser in the game of life, just the victim of a couple of people who lost their minds through PEA poisoning, bad judgement, failure to protect their weaknesses; all while destroying relationships that will never be the same again.

Among the many who have been active over the years on this site helping others, Bob Pure stands out, for me, for any number of reasons, making him, for me, one who triggers thought process that help me. Yes I can name at least a dozen more, some of whom are no longer active and all who have helped me through this most difficult time. (Hi Mel, Pep, Plank et al)

So when Bob says he is not real pleased (paraphrasing) some of the stuff going on currently, I have to pay attention. So should the Harleys and the moderators. Too many, too often, have been helped here for that purpose and task to be watered down by anything.

Clearly, Harley principals are the be all and end all of this site and the reason for its success. Harley principals as explained to me in the course of my search in the wilderness, is why I am not a bitter, bonkers bloke sleeping under a bridge.

To resolve some lingering issues, I am in counseling with a great counselor who believes in the discoveries that Harley made and the methods Harley teaches. In fact, he said it was time for him to take a look around here to see how things are going. I know of at least one other seriously good counselor who hung around here for a time; apparently an effort for him to stay centered.

Challenge: What the heck is wrong, if anything, and how can it be fixed?

Larry