Thank you so much HTM for you support and your sharing of your experience. I am sure I will need so much support and maybe even telling of my encounters and stories. I thank you for offering to hear them. I know that I need to stay away and the fact that he lives an hour and a half away helps a little. I do want to be with him (or atleast that is the feeling I have) and do know that he is ultimately broken. I was miserable with him but feel like I can't live without him. I think that is what you mean by TRAINED by him? He was my whole life on weekends, where he would pull me away from my family. So I was dependent on him. Now, I feel like since it is the weekend, what do I do with myself?

I do miss him and the few moments of good that we had here and there. How do I start to make my own life when he was it? I know if was wrong to make him my life but I did and I don't know the baby steps to get my life back? How did you do it?

WEll it is Saturday and he just texted me and kept it quite simple, "I love you." When I read this, it angered me in a way because I see this as a form of control. It seems that he is trying to control my emotions and feelings with not even being here. Is that what it seems to you all? Is that what it is?

YES!!! Hold on to that feeling. Look at him with a different lens. His actions serve his best interest. He is USING you because he know that he can. You have let him for long enough that he knows you'll fall for it again.

Think about the rotten stuff he's done. Focus on those things. Do you want to live your life like that? Yeah, he probably thinks he loves you, but he's not showing it.

I teach little kids. When one is upset with their "friend" calling them names, I ask them, "Is that the kind of friend you want?" Even second graders realize that no, they don't want a friend who calls them names. THEY CHOOSE to stay away from those people.

Not to downplay your situation with that example. It is not that easy. But ask yourself, "Is your BF the kind of HUSBAND you want?" Cos' I don't think so.

Watch what he does this weekend if you don't reply back. Cut off contact. I guarantee he will try EVERY manipulation he can from "I love you...please talk to me...I need you..." to "You'll never survive without me...you're worthless...who else will want you..." He'll try it all. And watch with that lens of his desire to manipulate you back into his hands.

Stay strong. You can do it.

Well I am not sure if he will send messages like that. He did send a message yesterday also saying that eventhough I have told him bad things, he still loves me and doesn't want me to hurt. Of course he is doing like he is the victim and trying to manipulate me into thinking of him as a wonderful man b/c HE is apologizing to ME when I said mean things to HIM.

He has send emails the last two days saying he still loves me and that he stuck by me throughout things so why couldn't I stick by him through this? So I guess in a way that is what you said he would already do, right?

The man that used to beat me said the same kinds of things - especially about sticking with him through it - just like he stuck with me. He used to tell me that how could one beating take away all of the good times we had. Most of the time he didn't beat me. Most of the time he was a wonderful husband.

It was just those pesky beatings that made life hard. And it wasn't that often, only when things would build up in his head again.

RUN from this guy. Block his phone calls, block his email. Get away from him. If you feel like you cannot, get some counseling now.

Believer,

I am sorry to hear about your hardship. From your post, I take it you are no longer with your husband? If you aren't, how did you manage to get yourself out? Your feelings for him were obviously real? How do you go down the hard path? Did you receive counseling to get through this?

The husband that beat me is my sons' father. That was a long time ago. I managed to leave him when he knocked me down while I was pregnant and I had a miscarriage. I called the cops and had him arrested twice. I had to move out of my home and rent it out. I changed jobs so he couldn't find me.

But what you need to realize is that this is NOT about him. It is about YOU, and why you allow yourself to be treated so poorly. If you don't figure that out with some counseling, you may get rid of him, but will find another guy just like him.

Did you receive counseling to figure out why you were with him? Did counseling help? Or did you deal with it on your own?

I went to lots of counseling. I had 2 little boys and didn't want to make the same mistake again.

My problem was that there were signs ahead of the abuse that I ignored. Abusers look for certain types of people. I thought I was a good, loving, understanding person. But when others would flee, I hung in there. It had to do with family of origin issues.

Happy to say that I broke the cycle for me and my sons.

Good Job for breaking the cycle. I want to break the cycle also. Exbf actually told me in a message yesterday, "it wouldn't happen again" but like everything else, it would. Did the counseling give you techniques to get your self-esteem up?

There is a cycle of abuse. The first time my husband hit me, he was immediately very contrite and swore it wouldn't ever happen again. I bought into it.

Each person is different, but there is probably something from your family of origin that set you up.

You need to look into that.

In my case, my self esteem was good, but my dad suffered from OCD. So I was raised to ignore the signs of someone who wasn't quite normal. I learned to accept aberrant behavior.

Where others picked up on the warning signs, I just continued marching on.

Believer,

Have you remarried or are you happily single with your son?

I'm happily divorced and dating someone. But I DID wait for a year after the divorce to get interested in a man.

And I should explain the abuse was from my sons' father. After that I married what seemed to be a nice guy, and he CHEATED.

You need to read and absorb all of the stuff here, and you will be just fine. The marriage advice is excellent and works.