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Four days after D-Day I typed the words, "I want to save my marriage" into the Yahoo search engine. Marriage Builders was the first site that came up. Been here ever since. Never even bothered with any other sites.

Oddly enough, I have tried again to have MB come up with that same search and it NEVER does. I believe it was Divine Intervention.

I am one of the newbies but I guess I don't understand what people are talking about when they say the place has changed. It still seems very pro-marriage to me, almost a year later. I have said more than once that without this forum I am SURE I would have been headed for divorce. I saw hope here. I knew 20 years ago that traditional marriage counseling is TOTALLY USELESS. My FWH and I had 6 months of it and while there was SOME benefit, it is NOT what has saved our marriage.

That said though, I will say that there is one thing here that bothers me. It is the idea that IF you work the plans properly that your marriage will work. I think this is a subtle undercurrent. I know that there are many who say that MB is successful if you have changed yourself, etc. I don't totally disagree. After all, you only have control of yourself. BUT the point of MB priciples does not seem to be to improve our independent selves. The concept of GIVING without expecting anything in return(except in Plan A)seems to be completely opposite of what the Harleys teach about the Giver and the Taker. It is the SUREST way to build resentment in a marriage.I have seen SO many posters here suggest that you are supposed to meet your spouse's needs WITHOUT expectation of having your OWN NEEDS met. That is NOT the way I read ANY of the MB books.

The way I understand it is that *ultimately* a MARRIAGE will only work if TWO people do the work. I am not talking about the early stages after an A, when the BS clearly has to do the heavy lifting. I am talking about after an A is ended or when there has NOT been an A. If both people do not jump on board the MB train, the desired results are NOT going to be achieved.

I have been reluctant to post my own story(except in bits and pieces) for this very reason. I have found that my FWH basically gives lip service to most of MB priciples. I know he is NOT in an A, but he still has a bit of a WS mentality. HE DOESN'T think so, but that's what got him into trouble in the first place. He has a tendency to be controlling and verbally abusive. We HAVE to work on those issues first. POJA and PORH feel like Love Busters to him no matter what I do or how I behave. Him finally being able to admit some of this is how we are seeing a LITTLE progress. I am afraid of the response if I post my whole story.

There is so much more to say but I am at work and it has literally taken me 2 hours to get THIS written so I will leave at this. Again, I will say that MB has SAVED me and I hope that the vets will keep posting.

WH2LE





WH2LE

BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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I found out my H was having an affair. He actually minimized to "a few innapropriate e-mail exchanges". Even with that much information, I was hurting and confused and never heard of "emotional affair" before.

Late one night, after a month of this disturbing me, I googled "how to survive an affair" and I found this site. I know God directed me here. He gave me exactly what to google and MB was the first thing that popped up. I was literally thrilled when I saw the discussion forum. It was like a salve for my heart.

I read all the articles as fast and as furiously as I could. I thought to myself, "this stuff makes such much sense I cannot believe that after all this time, I am finally hearing about it". Like BK said, I thought I had found gold, and I did.

The people in these forums gave me support and 2 x 4s when I needed them. Some of the posters I believe were instruments of God, and some I believe were/are working for the other side.

Mel and Believer, and a few others posted to me on Christmas Eve when things were falling apart. I just cannot even describe the valuable support I have gotten from here for the last 1 1/2 years. Other people just don't understand the dynamics of affairs and how they're so ordinary. It truly was a gift.

After months and months of discoveries, learning my H was a serial adulterer, this site kept me sane. The people here helped me figure stuff out, when I could no longer trust my own judgement from all the past gaslighting.

And believe it or not, my marriage might still be saved, and I owe it all to MB and these forums.

I also have gotten the most from posters who tell it like it is, without coddling. The coddling confused me, especially when the foggy waywards were being coddled. I have to admit it wasn't easy being one of the ones to to have the courage to tell it like it is, but sometimes, some people, need a little bit more of a wake up call. But diversity is where it's at and I liked the variety. I thought the board started going downhill when people started telling people how to post.

And when an onslaught of trolling started months back, I could literally feel evil when I read those posts. I felt like we were in a spiritual battle. It's obvious I am not the only one that noticed it. I think this thread was God inspired. Thanks Keep it Real.

I know I rambled but I owe a lot to the straight shooters on this site, like Medc, TST, Mel, Pep, the Wonderings, and now one of my favorite peeps, LaLa who is no longer foggy. smile There are many more like Meremortal, Princess Meggy and others.

I'll close with this scripture that I read last night......

Proverbs 28; vs 23

He that rebuketh a man afterwards shall find more favour than he that flattereth with the tongue.

Thanks to all who had the courage.

Sincerely.

Last edited by mopey; 04/20/08 02:53 PM.

Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.



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It's so heartwarming to see so many who feel that God brought them here. I feel the same way, and that's why I feel so protective of this place. I want it to remain a place where God is felt.

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Google brought me here, about a month or so after my D-Day. I spent a lot of time going through the site before joining the forum and posting my first question. The concepts covered in the site seemed to make a lot of sense to me, and allowed me to view my M, my FWW and her A in a different light, and also offered hope that it was possible to recover our M from an A.

I'm very grateful for all the advice that I've received from all of those that are further along this Recovery path than I am, and also from those that aren't, as they helped me to see my situation from different perspectives.

Funnily enough, I don't think I've ever actually shared my full story here, so I might be sort of the odd one out. Maybe I should start a MiM's Heartbreak & Recovery Thread...


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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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I spent the day after D-Day googling Emotional Affairs, Internet Affairs, anything I could think of. Had to wade through lots of garbage about "how to have one", and eventually wound up here.


WS = Me.
Married 14 yrs, D10, S7, D6
D-Day #1 11/07, NC broken 1/08
D-Day #2 3/17/08, in recovery
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Thank God for Google.....


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Amen Chai.


Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.



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WH2LE...I wanted to address some of the things you were questioning, because they are very legitimate concerns...

<<And mopers...thanks, honey! You are da best!>>

The very things you are questioning about Dr. Harley methods are the things that make it counter-intuitive, which is stated many times in his articles. When many would say "kick dat guy/gal to the curb!" the Harley method actually takes a completely different approach, with the idea that the wayward mindset is TEMPORARY.

Plan A has a time-frame on it, and the Harleys have just reduced it to 6-8 weeks for women and no more than six months for men...and they HIGHLY RECOMMEND ADs while in Plan A and B because they are so counter-intuitive and difficult. No one wants to better themselves and meet all their WS's ENs when they are being treated so poorly. And many times outsiders to this method completely misunderstand and disapprove. That is why this board is so very important. It offers those that have very little outside support the understanding and strength that is needed to make it through these steps. It is also the reason that "tough love" or 2x4s are needed sometimes, even for the BSs, because every instinct cries out that Plan A is UNJUST...

The key is that the BS has discovered an A and has made a DECISION to try and fix the M. Plan D is always an option, but as long as the BS CHOOSES to work on the M, the Harley method is, bar none, the best possible PLAN to do so.

Dr. Harley has spent many, many years developing these plans, which many believe are divinely inspired. He stresses that his plans are not any type of guarantee, but based on his experience, they offer the BEST CHANCE for reconciliation beyond just "staying together." His full plan inspires couples to fall back into romantic, fulfilling love with each other...even after the tragedy of infidelity, which he says is equivalent to rape or the death of a spouse or child.

I hope this helps it all make more sense...while the nuances of each sitch are different, the MB road is very narrow. I believe when implemented correctly, people have a MUCH better chance of not only surviving and A, but actually becoming better people and having a more fulfilling M...not BECAUSE of the A, rather in SPITE of it.


Peace,
LaLa

FWW(me) 37
BS 38
DS 9 & 5
PA 7/06-8/06
Dday 2/17/07

Fogapalooza-My Babbly Beginning
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I first found this place in 2001, if I recall correctly. I was very unhappy in my marriage. Unfortunately, I didn't stick around and ended up committing adultery. I came back after I realized what a mess I had made and got some sound advice from wonderful people. I lost my password and as I no longer had the email address I signed up with, I was unable to get my username back.

I joined again last year when my husband decided he no longer wanted to be married. (I have discovered I deleted most of my posts..shame on me). Anyway, I once again got some great advice. Though my husband didn't have an affair, I implemented Plan A, against all advice of those in my real life and he and I have been back together since August of last year. We are better than we have ever been in 19 years of marriage.

I don't post often, but I still come and read the board, as well as freshen up on the articles.


Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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Great post LaLa.

See, I told ya she was no longer foggy. wink


Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.



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Quote
Great post LaLa.

I agree 100%.

When I think of the assets on this board, I would be remiss to not include the likes of LaLa, TST and of course...Mrs W. All three of them are FWS...and people I would be proud to call friends. They have helped educate me about the ability of some waywards spouses to rise above their sin.

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Quote
LaLa, TST and of course...Mrs W. All three of them are FWS...and people I would be proud to call friends. They have helped educate me about the ability of some waywards spouses to rise above their sin.

I totally agree. THEY give me hope.


Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.



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I had been married for 17 years, and always had problems. Someone on my sewingmamas site mentioned this site and it has saved my marriage. We have just celebrated our 18th anniversary; things are not perfect but are certainly getting there.

Our marriage was plagued with EAs on both sides, I now know that I actually love my husband, something I had never admitted to myself and never showed. It is such a relief to express love with no expectations.

I read the pregnancy and child thread, I was just so intrigued. The spouses there were able to see beyond the child/children and continue with their marriage. Then after 16 years my husband's son (from a previous relationship) came back into our life. His mother refused to confirm paternity and took off with him, the last time we saw him was when he was 2. We still are not sure if my husband is his father, but because of what I learnt here I was able to embrace and welcome this young man into our family. Thank you Marriage Builders.

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Without his site I would be divorced.
Enough said
Thank You MB

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MEDC and mopey...thank you so much for those kind words. They mean more to me than you know.

Sadly, my beloved dog of nine years must be put to sleep after an unexpected, swift bout with cancer. Those words really helped my heart tonight...it is breaking...

Much love!!!!


Peace,
LaLa

FWW(me) 37
BS 38
DS 9 & 5
PA 7/06-8/06
Dday 2/17/07

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[quote]
I wanted to end my wife's affair, not cope with it better.
I wanted to have my wife change her errant behaviour not "learn to accept her reality"
I wanted my kids to have a stable loving family, not effective co-parenting
I wanted to learn the error of my marital ways not be accepted for them
In short I wanted a better marriage and life, not learn to accept a bad one.

I found no other site that comes CLOSE to the old MB boards that shoots from the hip and layed out a direct route to a righteous marriage.

Thats why I came here, and also why I very rarely visit any more.
{/quote]

I echo what Mr. Pure said.

I found MB back in 2003 after my wife then admitted to a PA. Sadly, I/we did not spend the time here to really recover and rather swept it under the rug. Lo and behold I found myself again here 3 years later, this time heading down a path of D due to my wife's denial of everything. This time I took the time to educate myself and got a ton of support from so many here who now unfortunately do not post any longer. Even though my marriage was not recovered, I was.

The song What Have We Become by DCTalk sums it up:

What have we become?
A self indulgent people
What have we become?
Tell me where are the righteous ones?
What have we become?
In a world degenerating
What have we become?



Divorced on 3/25/2008 but I have primary legal and physical custody of my 2 kids.

Plan A Thread
Plan B Thread
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
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Desperate need brought me here. While I wish I'd never had to seek this place, I will be forever grateful that it was here to be found.

I searched infidelity on the internet for months before I finally found this place and new immediately upon perusing the material that MB was different and USEFUL. DAYS after finding MB my situation started to change.


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LaLA,
I am so sorry about your pet. I am a dog lover too, and I have had to put a few down too. It is hard. Thinking of you,
Rock


Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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Oh LaLa, I am SO, SO, sorry! I have a pet that I love with all my heart, and when he goes, I'll be crushed, just like you. I'm so sorry. He had a good family.

{{{{Lala and family}}}}}


Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.



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I am so sorry to hear about your dog. I have three labs and have had to put two dogs down in the past. Even after years have passed, I still miss them....they truly become members of our family.

I am sorry for your pain over this.


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