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I need some advice here, a few month back I discoverd some nude pictures of my wife on our computer, she had taken them herself and was sending them to guys she was chatting with. She "met" these guys through fling.com. I confronted her about it and she assured me it was "just for fun"and never planned on meeting any of them. We even started using it as a tool to add a spark in the bedroom (after 20 years together things became too routine). I started getting concerned when her buddy lists kept growing and that she was spending more and more time typing away on the computer. I started to read here e-mails from these guys ( I knew I should have trusted her ) they all seemed pretty innocent just chat and sexual comments. Then one day one guy who lived about 20 miles away sent her an e-mail asking here where she was last night he was waiting with a fresh box of rubbers! I freaked out, I told her that I had been reading her e-mails and I was scared. She insisted that she didn't know who the guy was and she even e-mailed his telling him to stop writing her. I continued to read her e-mails again nothing spectacular, until (you guessed it) more e-mails about a possible meeting , I freaked out again, She told me that She knew I was reading her e-mails and she had "set me up". I was upset that she would do that but again I should have trusted her. The "set up e-mail had phone #' a date, time and location for the meeting even though it was a "set up" I wrote it down. The date came and I had almost forgotten about it I got called into work for the afternoon shift and then I was going to work my normal overnight shift, I spoke to her during the afternoon shift and she told me that she was on her way to go her brothers house but he had to work so she was going home this was around 6 p.m. nothing to become suspicious about. I got home about 8 a.m the next day and checked the caller id I noticed my daughter had called my wifes cell phone around 11 p.m. my oldest son was awake and I asked him if mom went out last night he said she went to her brothers house. red flags started going up, I looked at her cell phone and the phone # from the e-mail was on the recent calls list around 7p.m. I left her a note saying we needed to talk when I wake up and tried to go to sleep. Around noon I woke up to a real pissed off look, she said what the f**k did I do now. I told her I wanted the truth and what I knew about last night she didn't deny any of it, she said she met the guy at a resturant and had dinner, I asked her point blank if that was all that happened and she said yes, then I asked her why, her answer was that she was tired of me accusing her and she might as well have done something to be accused of. I expressed my concerns to her, perverts, predators, date rape drugs you get the point,the guy didn't drive 50 miles just to have dinner. We had a long talk and through some tears we worked it out, I hope. I appologized for spying on her and for making her do something she really didn't want to do. I love her more than anything in this world and have never cheated on her, but I continue to feel betrayed. I know she was upset and guilty for doing it because she was sick for 2 days and told her sister in-law about it. How do I regain my trust? Should I still be suspicious or shouls I let it go as a one time thing?


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"she was tired of me accusing her and she might as well have done something to be accused of...I apologized for spying on her and for making her do something she really didn't want to do"

Boy does your WW have your head all messed up. You did not force her she chose to have a PA. Are you a few cards short of a full deck? Apologize for what?

Married people should not be on friend finder sites and sending nude photos through the internet. Again WW chose to go bang some guy. If she didn't want to put out she wouldn't of gone out, with the OM.


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You should not be sorry you didn't trust you. She is not trust worthy. Sorry , just the facts. These aren't games to be taken lightly and if she has little respect for you that she "set you up", man you got problems.

If you start to believe, after all this, that you should trust her. You deserve what you get. If my wife were snooping into what I was doing, it wouldn't bother me a bit. I'm not doing anything to be guilty of.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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Originally Posted by cofred1066
I told her I wanted the truth and what I knew about last night she didn't deny any of it, she said she met the guy at a resturant and had dinner, I asked her point blank if that was all that happened and she said yes, then I asked her why, her answer was that she was tired of me accusing her and she might as well have done something to be accused of.

I'm sorry, cofred, but I think you've just been properly gas-lighted by your WW. In fact, I doubt that just dinner happened, though you might really want to believe that's the case. Is she trying to protect the OM's identity?


Originally Posted by cofred1066
I expressed my concerns to her, perverts, predators, date rape drugs you get the point,the guy didn't drive 50 miles just to have dinner. We had a long talk and through some tears we worked it out, I hope. I appologized for spying on her and for making her do something she really didn't want to do.

Yep, that's typically the results of a successful gas-lighting session.


Originally Posted by cofred1066
I know she was upset and guilty for doing it because she was sick for 2 days and told her sister in-law about it.

My guess is that she's feeling that way because she's afraid of what you might uncover if you investigate a bit more. And yes, you should continue to be suspicious, and continue snooping.


Originally Posted by cofred1066
How do I regain my trust?

I think that you've got it wrong. It's your WW that should be asking how she can regain your trust. She can start by removing her profile from fling.com and sending e-mails to those men who contacted her asking them to never contact her again. And you may want to invest in a good key-logger to continue monitoring what she does on that computer, because I'm betting that she will start up again as soon as she thinks you're not paying attention.


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Cofred,
Your wife has your head royally screwed up here. You have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG! I shout there for effect!

Your wife is gas-lighting you to keep you ignorant and apologetic. Its classic blameshifting. She attempts to make you feel guilty for spying on her and driving her into a physical affair? Thats just absurd. You are reversing cause and effect.

Spying on her did not result in her decision to go cheat. Her descent into online and then physical cheating caused you to spy on her. You recognized her behavior as untrustworthy, and you followed up on that and found out that she had physically cheated on you. Please, do not make the mistake of blaming yourself for her affair. There is no path to healing in that train of thought.

She needs to fully own her actions. Please read and have her read the information on this site. Order and read "Surviving an affair" or "Not Just Friends". If you can afford it, call the Harley's and try them out as marriage counselors.

Good luck.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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cofred1066,

Please do not believe that your W only had dinner with the guy. They've clearly had enough time to "sit and chat" online...why would they meet just to talk more? Do they really love food that much?

You know better. First of all, either get the internet disconnected entirely, or get a good keylogger installed.

Oh, and when you allow your spouse to do things like your W was doing online, it's easy for an immature person to warp that into "permission to cheat".

Last edited by Krazy71; 04/21/08 09:35 AM.

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Yeah

I was a little puzzled with the title:

"Online flirting GOING TOO FAR".

Online flirting goes too far with the word "Hello"

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DO NOT SAY YOU'RE SORRY FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR OR FOR "SPYING" ON HER.

This behavior is completely out of line for a married person.

I can relate to your situation. My exWW told me almost exactly everything you have been told. I too found sexy pics of her on our computer. I too found her website that she was using to flirt with men.

THERE WAS NOTHING INNOCENT ABOUT IT!

Don't buy into the lies. You've been successfully gaslighted. This is where you need to be a man and be strong and not fall for the blamshifting.

I too was told that the site was "just to make friends".

I too was told that the meetings were just friendly.

I too was told that if I kept searching I'd find things I didn't like.

Guess what? I was not crazy. She used the site to meet up with men and things were not just innocent dinners and innocent meetings.

This is what you need to do: install a keylogger on the computer and continue to monitor the emails. Find out if and when she's meeting someone again and show up! Catch her red handed or hire a PI.

You need to protect yourself from STDs and your children's well being and home and family.

YOU aren't the crazy one here and you're doing nothing wrong.

I could care less if my spouse spied on me when I have nothing to hide. She could look all day and it wouldn't bother me UNLESS I WAS HIDING SOMETHING!

Do not let yourself get bullied into backing down. This website is unnacceptable and her behavior is a threat to you, your wellbeing, your mental health, your children's family structure, and her!

This is where you need to be a man and set your boundaries. If her behavior was so innocent, then why not bring you along to meet her very innocent 'friends'? Why keep the meetings secret?

Married people shouldn't have secrets.

There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is closing the door when you use the restroom. Secrecy is not telling your spouse about relationships or "friends" you have on the side.

Don't buy this and step us and be a man and don't let yourself be bullied.

Take me as a caution story. She's my ex for a reason and I can assure you it wasn't because she was "making friends" online.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

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Thanks for the advice , things are going ok, her account on the web-sites are gone, and there have been no new e-mails or phone calls. I truly believe her that all they did was have dinner if the guy got into her pants he would have contacted her by now.

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Originally Posted by cofred1066
Thanks for the advice , things are going ok, her account on the web-sites are gone, and there have been no new e-mails or phone calls. I truly believe her that all they did was have dinner if the guy got into her pants he would have contacted her by now.


Him not contacting her again is a sign that he DID get what he wanted, in my opinion. If he hadn't, maybe he would still be in contact, trying to get what he wants. From what you posted, I assume it would've been a "hook-up".

I hope I'm wrong, but I'd be VERY wary that he did get what he wanted, and moved on to a new conquest.

Guys who think with their ____ don't usually give up easily.


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Faulty logic. Because they only met once no PA. Why, no one gets lucky on the first date? OM was not there to build a normal relationship he was working your WW with one goal. WW met OM on a player site. Why was she there, to trade recipes?

Maybe met once because of logistics, or you found out to soon. Maybe they went out because the sample was ample. OM got what he wanted, no longer a need to come back.

Your WW was on fling.com. Oh yes people go to that site for leads on fine dining experiences. Your WW was on the prowl just as much if not more than the OM for some thing extra on the side.

Your WW has no motive to confess it was a PA. Why should she dig herself into more trouble.

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Faulty logic. Because they only met once no PA. Why, no one gets lucky on the first date? OM was not there to build a normal relationship he was working your WW with one goal. WW met OM on a player site. Why was she there, to trade recipes?

Maybe met once because of logistics, or you found out to soon. Maybe they went out because the sample was ample. OM got what he wanted, no longer a need to come back.

Your WW was on fling.com. Oh yes people go to that site for leads on fine dining experiences. Your WW was on the prowl just as much if not more than the OM for some thing extra on the side.

Your WW has no motive to confess it was a PA. Why should she dig herself into more trouble.

I agree 100%. All of the preliminaries (pics, turn-ons, etc.) were likely expressed on the site...leaving little need for much chit-chat upon meeting. Just pick a hotel, meet, and go at it.

It was called fling.com for Pete's sake.


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Originally Posted by cofred1066
Thanks for the advice , things are going ok, her account on the web-sites are gone, and there have been no new e-mails or phone calls. I truly believe her that all they did was have dinner if the guy got into her pants he would have contacted her by now.

Cofred,
I don't mean to be harsh, but you are being dangerously obtuse here. What your wife did would be absolutely unacceptable to any self-respecting, strong man. If you accept it now and believe the ridiculous story she fed you, you are paving the way for a LOT of future heartache. You are showing her that she can run roughshod all over you.

Do what you will though.


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Cofred,

Please don't be naive. You WANT to believe your W, but don't. None of her actions are those of someone who was having innocent hook ups.

I too was told the meetings were innocent. They weren't. My ex had sexual interactions with the men she met on myspace. Don't believe the lie that all they did was have dinner.

Get the other guy's number and call him and I'm sure you'll hear a totally different story. He might even be surprised to hear she's married.

I happened to me.

Don't be a fool and believe that this was an innocent meeting.



D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

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Cofred:

Man, these guys got it 100% right, so you don't need another poster telling you how this woman is playing you.

BUt, I have to warn you. Now that you have said you are sorry for spying, and "FORCING" her to do stuff she didn't really want to do.....I think she starting turning somersaults inside. This was a big "get out of jail free" card and NOW, she will really AMP up her extracurricular activities. NOW you should start REALLY snooping. Now that she thinks she can talk you into believing ANYTHING, I think she may start to get even sloppier in her affairs.

Snoop. ANd snoop with the idea of finding out WHO your wife really is, not about anything else. Not about saving your marriage, or finding out what YOU did wrong. Snoop so that you have a clear picture of WHO your wife really is down deep. THEN, and only THEN can you deal with the situation clearly.

Good luck.

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Cofred,

Robin Williams said that the problem we have as men is that we have two heads and only enough blood to make one work at a time. Which one are you using?

Mark


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