Mulan,

Your children have more to lose than that their parents are divorced. They'll look to you to see how you weather a crises. Show them resiliency.

Your self-worth is not dependent on your husband's opinion of you or his actions.

Why would you have to move out? Let him move out. Let him go.

We're with you. He's not pure evil. He's full of himself, flattered by all these girls who look up to the corporate hotshot. Immature and arrogant.

Cherishing

Mulan,

This is mental cruelty and abuse you are experiencing.

His self absorbed, selfish, self-centeredness leaves no room for ANYONE!! Anyone but him is a lower specie and he can't be bothered.

The other girls are his bling. His trinkets that he can show to whoever.

His SELF has no room for compassion or love for anyone but himself. You spend 5 days in a mental ward, taking 2 ADs and THEN he has the cold hearted viciousness to tell you to move out!!

""Is this some kind of "somebody doesn't like plan b" on steroids?""

This is an arrogant bassid that is infuriated that ANY WOMAN, let alone, his wife God forbid, is standing up to him and going to tell him how to behave. HE WILL HAVE NONE OF IT!!!

GET A PIT BULL ATTORNEY TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR SON. The ADs may be doping you too much.

I, too, would advise not to move out, if possible.

I see many of old timers coming out to give you hugs and prayers. You are much loved Mulan. There are many thoughts and prayers going out to you.

STAY STRONG!!

kirk

Mulan,

I am very sorry to see you go through this.

Endure.

YOU will make it.

Mr. Wondering

Thank you all so much for responding. You are all very, very kind and your words mean a great deal to me.

I don't want to give the impression that just hanging on for its own sake is somehow admirable - often, it's not. In this case, I am dealing with a man who really was a wonderful husband and father for the first 12 years (yes, twelve years) that we were together, and I cannot forget that.

It would be different if he was always a selfish monster and I thought I could change that if I just loved him enough, but I swear to you all that it was not like that.

And of course sometimes things are good and I think my husband has come back, and then the selfish cold-blooded monster makes another appearance and it's all back to square one.

I have already taken steps to find a new home for my horse, and DS20 and I have agreed that neither of us wants to leave the house. It's not all that big and with two of us working, plus whatever the courts order Mr. Big Shot to pay, I think we could swing it. (The kid will still be in college but still makes pretty good $$$ working part-time in sales call centers.)

Neither DS20 nor I are leaving unless a court orders us to leave, which I don't see happening, or unless we just can't afford it.

I still feel terrorized by what he is doing. No amount of Ativan can stop that completely. Terrorized.
Mulan

I've been thinking of what to say to you ALL DAY LONG..


Why are you thinking you will LOSE EVERYTHING? That's what ATTORNEYS are for!! YOU WILL NOT LOSE EVERYTHING!! NO WAY!!




HOW AWFUL for you!! He must have been REALLY HATEFUL and MEAN to YOU!! NO ONE DESERVES THAT!! NO ONE!! He needs to SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES of HIS ACTIONS!!


So get UNDRUGGED, and stand back up TALL and FIGHT with ALL YOUR MIGHT!! He's a BULLY, trying to BEAT you DOWN with HIS WORDS!!

STAND TALL and tell him: "Fine, go on, we can make here just fine without you"..SAY THIS, even though in your heart, you may be feeling different. Do your best ACADEMY AWARD PERFORMANCE for this FIGHT...


Whatever you do, like the others have said, DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!! He has no right to ORDER YOU AROUND and tell YOU where to live or what to do. You are WELL enough to come here and share with us so you are WELL enough to stay there on your own or invite your daughter to spend some time with you, if possible. If she works, she can take family medical leave.


Why are you letting HIM do this to YOU? Why are you buying into HIS CONCEPTION OF YOU? Why are you putting this EVIL PERSON on a higher pedestal than YOU?

You HAVE to LIVE for YOUR CHILDREN if not yourself!! Would you want your son to be left with HIM as a ROLE MODEL? Don't you want to be around to continue to GUIDE HIM? It would DESTROY your children's lives for you to choose not to live...Think of THEM if you can't think of YOURSELF as this point.

He is WINNING when you allow him to do this to you.

FIGHT, MULAN!! FIGHT THIS DEPRESSION WITH ALL OF YOUR MIGHT!!

I totally get this.

I'm so sorry that the monster has consumed him.

I also understand all of the reasons you stayed for so long and fought.

He WAS better than this one time in his life, I believe that. Why else would you try?

He will never be that man again, it seems.

I'm so sorry.

You are and your DS are wonderful support for one another. I'm glad you have each other.

Lifting you up,
Kimmy

Mulan - It is frightening right now, but that is because it is so new. I'm so glad you checked back in. Stay in your home, and wait to see what hubby does next.

You will be fine. I hope that hubby does a turn-around, but you will be fine either way. I promise you.

We must have been posting at the same time...

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW...

You sound better...

I LIKE YOUR PLAN...

You know something, Mulan, all of this time that I have been posting on MB, YOUR responses to me always stood out, because you understood how the wayward mindset could continue on, even past NC and withdrawal, and although I had been familiar with the concept, I never delved very far into PA behavior, and that sick dance that goes along with it. YOU helped to awaken my curiosity, and helped me to find MY way.

I started reading every post you made, searching to pick your brain from afar, for you had some knowledge and had travelled the road that I was then on. I gleened a lot from your posts, and they spurned me on to FIX ME. I learned to let go. Because of you, I was inspired to read on, to learn more, to heal from within, and to seek balance. You probably had no idea how much of an impact your posts made, but I am ever so grateful you made them.

I completely understand what you are contending with, except my WH is not powerful enough to make threats. HE probably would, if he could, so as to not have to deal with me. The thing these guys don't know Mulan, is that we've got the tools to combat them. One of the best, and most effective ways is to IGNORE them (Plan B). Next is to get the best dang lawyer your money can buy and fight his treachery. YOu have the strength within you; it's there.

I may have a couple of run on sentences, and I think I began to babble, but you get the idea. YOu have been there for myriads of people on this forum, and we will be here for you, for advice, to listen, to swat you with those padded 2x4s, etc.

Mulan,

Good for you for deciding to stay put unless there is a court order for you to leave.

Yes, he's terrorizing you. What he has are words. The word that comes to my mind to describe him is "windbag".

You stood up to him. Good for you.

Cherishing

((Mulan))

Please don't worry about all his posturing and threats. Let him leave and leave behind the only person that he could count on to be there for him through "better or worse". You are the one who has come through this with courage, integrity and dignity.

My aunt was worried that her WXH would take everything in their D (which also was after years of inappropriate relationships and numerous A's) because he was a well-known surgeon and she had stayed home with their 6 boys. (Yes-six!)

She was stressed that his expensive suits and tan from his vacation with his latest AP would somehow sway the judge. Judges don't look at that stuff. They look at the length of time you've been married and if you were supporting the home while he was building his position.

My aunt got the house in a very nice area, half his retirement, half his investments AND spousal support.

Find a good lawyer and know that I'm praying for you.

I know how it feels when everything crashes in at once. BTDT-got the scars to prove it, although I would have preferred a t-shirt

((Mulan))

I am terrified. Absolutely frightened to death. Everything is about to be yanked right out from under me and just as at the beginning, when WH and his first skank decided to start dating and never bothered to ask me how I might feel about that, all decisions are being made behind my back.

My top EN is openness and honesty, but when I took the EN test years ago I was truly shocked and ashamed to see how high Financial Support was on the list. I work full-time and always have, except for a few years when my kids were small - and I am rather proud of being the only denizen of the loony bin who was holding down a job - but there is no way I can pay for even this rather small house and a car and all the utilities myself.

I wish I didn't need to rely on anyone for Financial Support. Sure, everyone says "get a lawyer," but WH could easily find a way to yank the house and everything else out from under me, too.

oh dear gods i just want my life back

I am trying to work, even though it's 4:15 a.m. here in AZ, because I cannot sleep and if i take enough meds to sleep i cannot work and then i'll really be broke with no job because i didn't get the work done -

Mulan,

I've always identified with you, in part because of your husband's dismissive view of the POJA. He's now revealed his true colors. He cares about himself.

Right now, you're looking ahead years and years to how you can afford this house and what job you would get, etc. Focus on today. It can be discouraging to try to look down a path you have not looked down. There's a wonderful poem by a Catholic saint, John Newmann. I'll post it here:

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I
Have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Meantime, along the narrow rugged path, Thyself hast trod,
Lead, Savior, lead me home in childlike faith, home to my God.
To rest forever after earthly strife
In the calm light of everlasting life.

I love the line "I do not ask to see the distant scene; one step enough for me." Focus on the one step.

Your husband took your commitment to marriage and your financial dependence on him and he used it to be completely and totally inconsiderate of you. "Find a way to yes"... The more you present yourself as you can handle this, the more you will recover your human dignity.

He's made his decision. He may change his mind in the future, but for now he's made his decision. Proceed with your life as if that decision won't change. Then you can focus on what will be needed in the life you tried hard to avoid.

Your children are watching.

Cherishing

And THAT, M'am, is exactly what you have the opportunity to do now : get your life back. A life with dignity and certainty and no fear.

Your fear of coming to this point has tortured you for many years Mulan : it has driven you to tolerate the intolerable in fear of "losing everything".

It is OK to have Financial security as a high EN, but in truth Mulan how secure have you actually been while your H has been starring in his own movie these many years ? He was always just an act of caprice away from doing this.

You have the opportunity now to become truly SECURE in your finances, not dependent on the magnanimity of your WH.

Sure you have to undergo some unpleasantness - divorces are not nice things, but I see no reason why you should be financially broken by this Mulan. And without your H's malign hold over your life and self esteem I see nothing but a wonderful opportunity for a new lease of life.

Just look at the facts in your circumstance , not the very worst possible outcome, which are doing right now.

All blessings

Mulan I've read many of your posts and believe you even posted to me way back when. My thoughts and prayers are with you, do NOT give up! YOU ARE A VERY STRONG WOMAN!


All part of their game plan huh?! Don't fall for it, YOU WILL make it through this terrible ordeal!

Where do I send this can of 'whup a$$ ?" GET YOUR GAME ON GAL!
(((MULAN)))

Mulan:

Sorry that it has come to this.

But you WILL have your life back.

It just will not include HIM.

But that is his choice.

If you want a plan, do this:

Sit down, and go thru all your personal papers.

Make a stack of the account statements of your retirement plans, his retirement plans, other investment (stock or bank) accounts, what you think your home is worth, the mortgages on your current home, Life Insurance policies, and any other assets (Houses, coins, stamps, cars, etc) you happen to know about.

Add up thier value as of December 31, or March 31st, whatever seems the most reliable date. If your not 100% sure of the amount, fill in a number that makes sense. If you are low, that not a problem, ID'ing the assets is the important part, getting the actual value is for later.

If, for example, the retirement plan is not is a seperatly stated account (i.e. Mr Mulan's 401(k) or IRA, or Mulan's 401(k) and is held by the employer (when he retires he gets THIS) then assume that the value of this account is xxx,xxx.

Now, add it all up.

Divide by 2.

That is what, in the most basic sense, what you are entitled to.

Many people NEVER do this. Many folks never have any idea what there family net worth happens to be. You may have done this already, and if so, I commend and applaud you. Your WH WILL try to convince you that it is ALL his. More entitlement. BUT IT ISN'T.

A VERY LARGE percentage is yours.

And even a mildly compentent attorney can get it for you. A particulary nasty one can get you more.

Sorry that you have to go down this road. But you have put up with alot.

LG

LG makes some very good points Mulan. I would start this process NOW. Gathering this information will give you a purpose right now, a goal, and good motiviation.

Is NOW the appropriate time to say kick his [censored]! Maybe not, but that's what I feel in my core when I read your posts, Mulan. Kick his [censored] (with a disclaimer--As long as you are done with the marriage). Do not go gently...

{{{{{{{{Mulan}}}}}}}}

I have to be honest, I have not read up on your sitch at all. I plan to change that. One of the things that I did see in your thread was the links to being in a PA relationship, grabbed onto them and read everything about PA relationships. I bonded with you immediately on that.

Unless you have lived that you quite don't understand the intricasies (sp?) and that absolute mind games that go on even when you don't realize they are happening.

I am so not qualified enough to give you any advice, words of wisdom etc compared to those who have walked with you on this journey. BUT I do know PA. I have lived with it for almost 30 years and I feel that sheer terror you were just posting about. It's so helpful and easy for everyone to tell you how much better off you are, how you can get half of his money, etc. And they are right, they really are. You are his wife and have rights.

But this knowledge that everyone else has, needs to come from you as well. All our words of encouragement, building you up, telling you you can do this will fall on deaf ears until you believe it yourself.

I read the book 5 love languages years ago and realized that financial support, after SF was my greatest need. I would go ballistic when my h would stay home sick for a day because I was scared that we would be financially ruined. I honor your need for financial support. And when it's suddently yanked away from us, the sheer fright of the unknown is unbearable.

I really could be way off, but your postings the last few days have given me the impression that you have been completely controlled in a world that was not only unhealthy, but unsafe to some degree, destructive to you as a person, and I am venturing to say pretty chaotic.

These feelings you are having, what you are going through are totally real. I went through them myself. But that's just it. I went through them. Feel this terror, feel sorry for yourself, feel the pain, feel EVERYTHING. And just know that each second that goes by is a second of victory for you because you made it through. And it's just that hard and simple. Try not to think about tomorrow. Just keep in today. What can you do today for yourself that will help you get through the day.

That's all you have is today. Talk to G-d, beg him to hold you and walk you through. Cry to him, he wants you to. Reach out to him for answers on what to do next. Some people think I am crazy that I rely on G-d so much right now. But people didn't walk in that nuclear mind field of my M. They didn't understand that my very existence of who I was was dependent on someone who not only wanted control, but enjoyed the games it was causing. Though they made it seem like it was me the whole time. Sound familiar?

Again, I really could be way off base, and I humbly apologize if I am, but if you are anything like me. All you need to do is get through today. Let tomorrow take care of itself.

Today, what can you do?

You can let those of us on here pray for you, and be there for you and believe in you until you are able to believe in yourself enough to walk through this with the understanding and strength that you show so many people on here.

This is EXACTLY why I recommend spurning Mulan into ACTION. If she sits still too long, his mind games will do MORE damage to her. She doesnt' have to FEEL this part, she just has to do. ACTIONS, even small ones, will help her move forward. Waiting will not. Even moving in numbness, toward the right direction, IMO, is better than waiting for this day to pass, this moment to pass.

Fear is her enemy right now, and the best way to combat it, IME, is to feel it and do whatever you need to anyway.

The wayward mind, in many ways, is very PA. So, I believe we all can understand, to some extent, what Mulan is going thru.

{{{{{{Mulan}}}}}}

I am so sorry for your pain.

I just have a little bit of advice for you today. It is about getting an attorney.

You need to do this right away. And don't look for an attorney you think you can afford, look for the best. Good divorce lawyers know how to get paid. Get the name of the best, and get in there for a consultation. As long as you allow yourself to remain ignorant of your rights, you are an easy target for your husband's emotional abuse and power plays. You have the ability to change the power dynamics, and you have a responsibility to your son to do so.

The reason you need to act on this today is that it is the attorney's job to worry about and protect your rights, and those of your son. And this is something you need to delegate to a highly qualified pit bull.

You need to do this for your own health. Once you have been advised of your rights and what to expect, you will be able to assign the worry for this over to the attorney. You can then go about doing the more important work of healing.

You start to take your power back when you get a strong attorney.