Nothing, there is nothing that i would do differently and there is nothing i could have done differently then. I had to have the hysterectomy, i was told this by more than one doctor. It was my husbands perception of SF. He has always been one that said his SF comes from satifiying ME. Just because i had vaginal dryness he ASSUMED that i was no longer "turned on" by him. I showed him articles that i had read and gave him brochures that i received from the doctor regarding this being a possible symptom but he still just thought what he thought and it did not matter what i said.

And as far as the family member living with us goes, what was i supposed to do, i asked him and asked him (meaning my H) to not let this person back in our home and it was HIS choice to let this person come back MANY MANY times because he felt sorry for him.

I voiced my feelings on the matter in both cases and he chose to do what he wanted anyway. I TOLD him that he was not meeting my EN so he could try to meet them rather thatn me going elsewhere for someone else to meet them, he did not give me that same option.

Didn't YOU want to enjoy it MORE?

No need to talk about it here but there are PRODUCTS to easily relieve that problem.

You seem to focus on HIM alot is what I am saying.

What about YOU?

Didn't that make it uncomfortable for YOU?

And did you KNOW that for a lot of men it's not just about the SF?

That MEN FEEL LOVED and ADMIRED (ENs here)..when their WIVES ENJOY SF with them...

THAT MEETS A DEEP, DEEP EMOTIONAL NEED OF HIS...

Yeah, tell me about it.

If only FWW's didn't get a free pass in this department maybe things would be better for BH's.

Unfortunately, a FWW gets the luxury of being able to require that everything else be in order before any sort of SF can even begin to take place...even though this whole problem was caused by her acting like a nymphomaniac on ecstacy with someone else.

Now everything has to be juuuuuuust right. It's her prerogative. After all, she's a woman.

WHAT?? Who says everything has to be JUST RIGHT for a WOMAN????

Where did this come from?

Not all affairs are a result of a BS who "did something wrong," and none of them are a result of anything other than the WS CHOOSING adultery as the "way" to address their perceived problems with the marriage.
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My H's A was the result of "MY" depression and low libido combined with "HIS" choice of looking online for SF. Both of these brought about his A. You need to look at the big picture. I began to take blame for the whole thing because he claimed that I was cold, the house was dirty, I wasn't here when he wanted SF, but thru MC I no longer accept that I caused this. We are a team in this marriage and he should've leaned on me in his time of need but he chicken heartedly looked outside. It doesn't help that this solution was as easy to find as a computer keyboard.
He's told me since that he was looking for something that in reality..he already had at home. That is..Only after I went to my doctor and had my issues taken care of. Ginseng and wellbutrin are miracle meds!!

NOBODY SAID THAT AFFAIRS ARE CAUSED BY THE BS "DOING SOMETHING WRONG"..nor did anybody say that ALL AFFAIRS are caused by this..

Basically I agree with you that the WAYWARD has chosen ADULTERY..BUT..if you want to do RECOVERY..BOTH of YOU have to work on the MARRIAGE..

Mimi said: “What do you think made your marriage VULNERABLE to an affair? Do you think it was ALL due to your HUSBAND and YOU did not play any role in it?”

Well, in my case, yes, actually. I was a most excellent H.

It was indeed all her, and I played no roll in it. FWW even says so, now.

It is not always unmet ENs. IMO it is rarely unmet ENs. It is most always the adulterer not protecting (or not even having) boundaries.

Unmet ENs are just a face saving device for the adulterer that wishes to return to the M. Or wants an excuse for what they did. Most adulterers are only too happy to shift and spread the blame. Unmet ENs serve that purpose most of the time.


QueeniesNewLife said: “Whether it's right or wrong isn’t' the point the reality is, if you want your M, then you are the one who is going to have to fight for it, make any changes that you would like and leave the results to G-d.

Harsh reality for sure. But this is your M we are talking about. You have every right to not want to fight for it, or do anything, but if you want your M, those unfairly are the terms.”

Fair, huh? Since D-Day my fairness bone has become mighty sensitive.

Fairness is now a major EN of mine. Fairness is right up there next to Honesty and Openness. And both fairness and HO are way above SF.

I would rather not be married than treated unfairly again, period.

I do not understand BS who do not also think this. Such BS all look like doormats to me. I was a doormat, I see now, all during her VLTA, so I know what I am talking about. Never again. Not even remotely. I will not stand for even the appearance of unfairness during recovery. If it feels wrong or unfair I don’t go there and I say so.

How many MB posters tout the stand-up-and-be-a-man (woman) approach to recovery? How many posters crap on BS that do not seem able to take a stand for what they want? How often is it written here the best thing the BS can do is tell the WS to either do what is fair and right and ethical or take a hike?

I for one do not want my M if I have to choose between what is right or wrong or suffer even more of what is unfair during recovery. WS broke it, WS can fix it. In fact, in general, the BS can’t fix what they broke. It is impossible.


The work I am doing on the marriage is to not go do what she did. The work I am doing on the marriage is to not withdraw completely. That damn well better be more than enough.

I think we are not understanding one another Mimi.

It was a MISPERCEPTION of my H's that led to him thinking i no longer "desired" him. And i already stated earlier that he has always said that SF to HIM was SATISFYING ME. And i know there are products that i can use (and do use to help with this issue) but he PERCEIVED that is was because i did not DESIRE him, not what the issue really was which was a SIDE EFFECT of having a hysterectomy.

C'mon......really?

He simply couldn't comprehend that having your lower abdomen hollowed out like a jack-o-lantern might affect things like dryness?

Does he also wonder why Hellen Keller couldn't compete in the Indy 500?

That's a flimsy, flimsy excuse IMO. Especially when infidelity is the result of your "problem".

Y'all SEEM angry and bitter..especially you KRAZY...and I really UNDERSTAND that...

I'm not into ANGER these days...or NEGATIVITY...

I'm butting out of this for awhile..

OK?

I'm into POSITIVITY and FABULOCITY...

Don't want you to think I'm ignoring you...

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!

I don't blame you.

Yeah, I'm a little agitiated. I'm just trying to see things the way they actually are.

Sometimes being realistic is disheartening, but it beats being in a fog, so to speak.

These are my sentiments exactly.

One of the things I most respect about this board is the ability for everyone to be allowed to walk through this pain and time the way they need to.

Aphelion I totally respect and agree with what you are saying. I probably even admire your stand. For me, while some may consider that I have no backbone and allowed myself to be a doormat, I would ask you to consider that I accepted that I had a huge part in the destruction of my M and that what I am willing to do is be a part of the solution to recovering my M and changing myself. I want to be able to know that when everything is said and done, whether the situation was fair or not I did all that I could to recover my m. I, just me want to be able to face G-d and know I had done what I thought was right.

Not everyone feels that way and I respect and applaud you and them. However, the cold reality is that waywards are selfish creatures who don't give to the BS at all. And if someone makes that choice and wants their marriage to recover then they have to accept that the wayward isn't going to be this giving, understanding and pretty much the responsible one.

Does that make sense? Ifyou get one who is willing to do anything to repair the marriage, awesome, but most don't and that's the hard reality.

Fortunately we get to choose our path and be accepted for whichever way we go.

Well i, like you, think all excuses are flimsy so what the heck. I really liked what the one poster said about using EN as an excuse. Heck we all go through times in our M where our EN are not being met, it is what we chose to do about it that is the key.

Maybe this is true Mimi but it is what it is.

I guess we're the stupid ones...it'd be great to go out and have some adult "fun", then have my BS shower me with affection to get me to stay.


Well, a lot more fun than having your guts ripped out, anyway.

Sad to say but i think you are right.

Isn't the MAJOR message of the Harleys that when you meet EACHOTHERS' EN's, you can fall back in love. If you don't want to fall in love again, or get closer to that romantic love feeling, then I suppose not meeting eachothers' EN's is fine. Are you saying that you not having an affair, and sorta being there should be enough?

I guess it just doesn't mesh with the philosophy of this website, and the good ole' docs teachings.

If I had a willing partner, I sure would want the whole shebang, and not just some person to spend time with. I would want to attempt great companionship.

I did not have a partner who wanted a recovered marriage; he wanted to have somewhere to be until something much more enticing came along, and that was not good enough for me. I wouldn't have known had I not tried. I don't consider that as ME being a doormat. I consider that working my tail off to achieve that love again. It didn't work, so I'm out.

GIVE and take. Not just take.

No it wouldn't. NONE of this is FUN. It just is. And life sucks at times and all we are doing is trying to get through it the very best we can, HOWEVER we choose to get through it.

I would NOT want to be my WH right now or the day he realizes what he has done. NO WAY...

I would much rather be the one to walk through this PAIN and become someone that I am proud of and love to the best of her ability.