Here's the question...
I was soo wrong, apparently, about the state of my marriage. I knew the H was having some troubles 'communicating' with me, but he's pretty quiet and has troubles communicating with everybody. I'm a bit more extraverted so I simply chalked it up to personality differences. And, then there was the SF thing...Yes, I heard him say he wanted more, but he never really heard me saying what I wanted. So, we got into a stand-off which eventually ended up with a third party in our marriage. Now, years ago I may have thought an EA would be relatively pain free. Boy, was I wrong! This ripped through the very heart of our family. This horrific person courted my H and made herself sooo available to him that he easily took the bait. Dont' get me wrong, I don't totally blame her, but my respect for those who specifically gun for married people in order to get what they think they are entitled to make me a bit ill.

So, a year later and many tears shed, I am here. I have learned to rely quite heavily on this board for moral support. It also helps me to validate some of my crazy moments that I had no idea others were suffering from too! But, here's my question. I was so wrong for so long, but it all seems good now. Since the removal of daily influence from the OW, my H and I see each other through new eyes. His fog has surely lifted and he actually seems to WANT to be with me. He WANTS to hold my hand, he WANTS to kiss the back of my neck, he WANTS to sit and watch 'fluff and puff tv' (as he calls my shows)...And, it's the reverse too...I WANT to learn about his day, I WANT to hear about his soggy hoagie in the conference room meeting, I WANT to sit in the window and watch him cut the lawn, I WANT to go on long walks discussing trees & nature. Can this be? Has there truely been a breakthrough? Could this wicked person have helped our marriage? No, I give her no credit...it's all ours, because we stuck it out and are making it work. But, my gut says he feels differently now. I'm so afraid to get cocky and self assured, as I'm usually waiting for the other shoe to drop, but there are actually moments when I think it may be better. Can I trust myself yet? Is there a period of honeymooning when you need to be excited but not get too overwhelmed with what may be early goodness? Is it too soon to feel loved again? I know it's a long process and I know I fight the fight every day, but I need to know...

Bravo to you, fiori!


Exactly. The affair did untold damage on your marriage and your psyche. The credit for the survival goes to you and your H, not the affair, not the OW. The stabber gets no credit when his victim survives.

You know, one time very early on, I met with OW and she actually had the nerve to say to me..."you know, if I'm the spark that ignites an otherwise stale relationship, I'll know I did something good". COME ON!! It was all I could do to not reach across the table and rip her dumpy little head off...Oh, sorry, I got a little carried away there!

GAG ME!

I applaud you for not slapping that HO out of her chair like she deserved. You deserve a medal because that is sure what I would have done!

I honestly can't believe some of these tramps actually can rationalize their gutter trash behavior. Your restraint is amazing.

At this point, I have daydreams about really terrible things happening to OW. Sometimes I inflict those terrible things. I would not have been able to keep from punching her if I'd been in your shoes.

Big congratulations on your recovery!

But, is it too soon to feel good? Is there a general time limit on this? Can it be possible that these feelings of happiness are real? I'm so afraid to be confident right now.

Oh, and by the way...I have fantacies about ripping her head off. I just know that if I was put in jail, my kids clothing would never match again and that wench would come into my home (if she had her way). So, the thought of my boys wearing striped shirts with plaid shorts keeps me on the straight and narrow~!

fiori, you will have dramatic ups and downs over the next few months. You are likely relieved that contact has just ended. Recovery takes a long time.


Well, only you know if you are faking it!

I wish I had the answer for you, but I'm not even in recovery yet so I'm the last one who can help you here. My thought is that you should enjoy the good things that are happening and continue to be the wife you want to be for the rest of your life. Continue to meet your FWH needs and cherish him. But, be aware of everything and keep your eyes and ears open for signs of back sliding.

Fiori,

I am about the same time post d-day as you. Overall I feel that through R the MB princples we have learned have helped us bring our M to the best place it has ever been...really.

I just wanted to give you a heads-up that despite the happiness I feel in our R, triggers have done a number on me, and I suspect will be a problem for me for some time to come...

I know your H is having NC with OW, but the fact that they still work together will likely be a big trigger for you (at least it would be for me).

But I am happy to hear you guys are in a good place...hang in there!

Oh my gosh, fiori, please tell me your H does not still work with the OW?

I agree. The fact that she is still at the same company is really a problem for me. He knows this...I make sure of it. I used to talk about it alot, but have now been able to hand pick the times when we discuss it. He has sent out a few resume's and seems to be upbeat about getting a new job. He sees it as a new beginning too. It's funny, though, because he brought me to his office and showed me how FAR from him her area is. Why is it that now it seems as if it's the great divide but previously it was not a deterrent at all? Funny how perspective changes when attitudes do.
But, the good thing is...he seems happy with me. I really believe this because I just don't think you can fake that. He picked at me non stop when she was in the picture and without her influence, I must not seem too bad. Actually, I believe I'm a pretty good catch! Excuse me while I reach back to pat myself on the back! Hey, if I don't...who will?

fiori, is your signature not correct:

No Melody...not with. Just still in the same corporation. No contact or any run-ins as he had her transferred to another dept. in October and filed a grievance with her bosses twice. Don't worry, I'm not that dumb.

why do you ask that?
what did I do wrong?

He met her last January when she was transferred into his dept. at work. Her H left her in February and then through her tears and heartache, they became 'friends'. It took til the following October for him to finally tell her he was not leaving me for her. It took her another four months and much stalking of our entire family for her to see that he was NOT leaving me for her. He has not spoken or interracted in any way since February 2008. See why I'm so afraid to be hopeful?

Oh dear. fiori, do you know that your marriage cannot recover until they end contact? This is like sending a drunk into the bar every day and changing the name of his DRINKS to "workplace drinks" and expecting him to sober up. Ain't going to happen. Your H cannot withdraw until contact ends. And your marriage will NEVER recover until that happens. Your H will be in a perpetual state of withdrawal.

I am so sorry.

Yes, I do get that. My eyes are open, this I promise you. More, I promise this to me. Now, do you see why I'm so scared to be hopeful?

Can I trust my gut to think that he sees ME and not her? He says they never see each other and have absolutely NO contact at all. I get the drink analogy. I have explained to him countless times that he cannot just walk the walk and talk the talk...he MUST leave the company and start fresh. He is in the process of doing this now. Resume's are out and prosepcts look good. Change, total change, is within my grasp. I am not speaking irrationally, I am intelligent enough to understand the pitfalls. But, do I let the pitfalls run my life or do I run it myself? When is a safe time to enjoy being happy? Am I not safe until he leaves the company? Am I still walking on egg shells? This is what I need to know.

Yes. You should not be hopeful at all until contact ends. I am sorry, but that is the Gods honest truth. As long as they see each other every day at work, he can't withdraw. This is how 6 month affairs turn into 5 and 10 year on-off again affairs.

You have damned yourself to a death of a thousand cuts by going along with this.

This is the same as an alcoholic practicing "controlled drinking." Pretty soon, a weak moment collides with opportunity and he is back to binge drinking. That is what you risk EVERY DAY that he goes to work to see his OW.

thank you. it puts a pit in my stomach but I know you speak the truth. Can we go back to the part when I was ripping her dumpy head off?