Thanks folks.. a weekend later and I'm feeling much better I think.

Nothing's changed with the situation, but I am not allowing myself to worry about what Wonderboy's move may portend.

Only concern is that she may indeed be posturing herself a little bit for mediation and the final court date.. which is all we have left now that the eval process is pretty much over.

My 'references' got their questionnaire this weekend and I've run into a few of them. All I'm urging them to do is to answer the questions honestly and get it back to the evaluators as soon as they can.

It's a short questionnaire and I doubt it ultimately makes much of a difference when compared to her first hand experiences with WW and I.. we'll see I guess.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some anxiety over how the eval will turn out. My impression is that I'm in good shape, but one never really knows with these kinds of things, and I'm afraid a bit to get my hopes up.

Not much to report over the weekend, though I have to assume that since DS was at Wonderboy's dad's house both Saturday and Sunday that the move happened, and that they are, as WW said.. still 'together' just with him moved out.

Discovered over the weekend just how protective two of my exes around here are... can't really elaborate much on that, but it is at least a little reassuring to know what others with whom I have shared those parts of my life at certain points still care very deeply about me. No worries faithful friends.. there's no rekindling those flames either.

I guess I'm doing pretty good I'd have to say. Here's to the start of another week for all my friends!

Sounds good, James. You're doing really well.

So here we are, coming up on a full weekend with DS and DD.

I had sort of hoped that maybe with Wonderboy out of their apartment this week that DSD might make the trip to pick up DS on Wednesday night, but that didn't happen. Instead WW left DSD with her little sister (who up until recently was very involved with a crackhead living in a little vermin and bug infested apartment next to a pizza place)..

It's really odd, how WW wants to point the finger at me like I'm -constantly- around people doing drugs and alcohol as a result of my band persuits when she's bringing that kind of influence into her apartment to watch her kid..

Ugh.. anyhow. I've been trying, and failing about chasing my tail around whether or not him moving out is having any effect or not. I know through the grapevine though that she still pines for him and is seeing him from time to time.. so they are in fact still 'together' just living apart. *shrug* I worry about it.. but I'm not sure why.. maybe I'm still somewhat hopeful that it'll provide an opportunity.

Was fooling around on Myspace the other night, keeping the band page updated and figured I'd bounce over to look at hers.. looks like she's finally changed some pictures and such.. and her quote kinda bothered me.. was something like 'It's true that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. It's also true though that you don't know what you've been missing until it appears.' Not sure what to make of that.. but hey.. pointless to go round and round in your head about it right?

So how do I stop?

I'm not 'done' yet.. and part of me wants to be.. part of me almost needs to be, but for some reason I just can't shut the door.

I still love her.. God help me, I couldn't begin to tell you why right now.. but I do. Even if all it does to think about her is to cause me pain.

A week from tomorrow will be 5 years from the day we met.. I almost want to send her something.. but how do you tell someone who doesn't want to hear it that the last 5 years have been special.. and for the MOST PART have been some of the most wonderful moments of your life? But also I don't know that I want to let it pass without saying -something-.. just not sure what yet.

Folks have received their questionnaires from the evaluator though, and I think things are positive. Most, if not all have sent them back this week so should have plenty of time for her, and maybe in a couple of weeks we'll have her recommendation, and then I guess I'll have an idea of how the rest of this D is going to go.

Truth be told.. I haven't really strategized beyond the custody thing.. I could really care less about the money, I just want my son to come home where he belongs.

I dunno guys.. the last couple of days I've hit the depression bug as I've been letting this weigh on me a little bit more than usual. I think it's probably a 'wait and see'.. 'is anything happening' 'is anything different' 'is it falling apart' thing.. wanting to know what's going on over 'there'.. that is hurting me right now.

Not sure what to make of a lot of things.. there've been confusing signals from her as well.. nothing that would indicate an interest in R, just stuff that strikes me as a little odd.

Gotta stop chasing my tail.. an hour from now I leave work to go pick up DS and start our weekend.. just hope I can keep it together this weekend and resist all urges to dig when he starts talking about what's going on at 'mommy's apartment house'..

I dunno folks.. just riding the waves.. the hills on the rollercoaster aren't so bad these days.. but you can definitely feel when you're going down..

(((Jamesus))) I can see that you're a true romantic. But that's not going to help you right now. Your #1 priority is the custody issue. Whether WS returns to you later down the road is irrelevant at this date on the calendar.

If you do send her anything or say anything (I think written is better) it should be something VERY short and VERY sweet. Example: Just thinking about you and remembering the day we met five years ago. Let her GUESS whether those are good or bad memories. She won't be able to use THAT against you. (See your honor, he still loves me so I must be okay as a parent. He's only fighting custody because he's mad that I'm gone.) See what I mean?

These are the times where you follow your plan.

Your plan is your steady guiding force. Our emotions come and go and you can't always trust them. You can trust your plan.

When your emotions settle down, you can then verify if your plan is correct or needs to be modified.

{{{{{{{{James}}}}}}}}}

You and I are so connected through this time. I hear your pain today, and just like me, know when we are on the down side of the ride, we just have to ride it out. It's like a wave, it just comes and we just need to get through it.

I noticed that you hadn't been around all week.

We simply can't know what is going on over on the other side of the street. Just ours. I carry around so much guilt for my part and will always wonder if I hadn't done my stuff would we be together.

The truth is, we aren't the same people who were left, and that's all we have. The promise of what we can offer them. Is it good enough who knows. I know how I was dying inside, but I also know that I loved my H deeply and would have done anything to make it better. I finally realized part of the reason I was so crazy was me trying to figure out how to make him happy.

That's not our jobs. We can only do what we are doing. Your W and my H are missing out on the very best that's possible. Maybe it's in G-ds plan to bring them home. Believer reminded me we have a 97% chance that will happen. Keep taking care of yourself and children and keep the FAITH and hope alive inside.

Hugs dude.....

Maybe it's time 2 put a 2uote of your own on your myspace page (geez, fully grown adults have myspace pages? )


-ol' 2long

Hey now!

I am 52 years old, and even *I* have a myspace page.

Well, I do have a page, but haven't ever really done anything with it.. haven't even checked it in about 2 years. Personally the only thing I do on Myspace is keep the band page updated. It's actually a pretty good marketing tool for independent musicians.

I am sticking to my plan, and you guys are right the plan right now is to wait and see how the eval turned out. I think my references did me up good, and I'm cautiously optimistic.

Had a pretty good night with DS, he was a little down tonight when I picked him up, and after a little lounging on the couch was finally persuaded to go outside and play by the sounds of the neighbors playing basketball outside. I love watching him play with the neighbors and by the end of the night about half the kids in the neighborhood had at some point been involved. It was a special night. I got to hang out with some of the other parents in the neighborhood.. got to fix a kids bike chain (man.. it's been -forever- since I've fixed a bike chain.) and hit some jumpshots from downtown.. Oh.. and not least of all, got to help DS dunk it on a real hoop

Ok.. so it's really just normal fair for DS and I.. but it's amazing how special the every day can be when you've stopped taking it for granted.

Poor guy passed out in front of the Bee-Movie tonight.. think we've finally found a new favorite instead of Cars. Is it just me or is Pixar cornering the market on kids movies?

Well, going to turn myself into a pumpkin for tonight, DD has a volleyball game tomorrow AM bright and early out of town.. thanks for the love folks, papa needed it tonight.

I believe is when we have these moments with our children that G-d is rewarding us for the hard times we are going through. They aren't enough of course but they are still there to treasure and enjoy.

I think for you and myself, as time goes on, situations and things will happen where we might be being tested to see how much we have changed. And if not to G-ds liking, we will get more work to do. And you and I know enough to know we will walk through that too.

We weren't G-dly people before this. And now we are getting to reap some rewards. As long as we can continue to enjoy those little moments and not take them for granted then we are continuing in the process of being who G-d designed for us always.

Good job dad. And enjoy the memories and time with them.

Well.. another week in the books I suppose.

Just riding out Friday at work before my 'off' weekend. Going to be hanging out with some old friends in the big city this weekend so that should be a good time, and help along my path of getting back to good on my end.

It's been kind of an odd week. I spent Monday and Tuesday home sick from work. DS ended up running a fever over the weekend so in turn I ended up on the puny list come Sunday night after WW picked him up.

We had a really great weekend actually. Saturday we went to DD's volleyball game out of town, and then stopped at the store and picked up some movies to watch since DS wasn't feeling all that spectacular.

Sunday DS was feeling better, so after church we had breakfast with my mom, and then went off to run a few laps around the go-cart track here in town, and let DD spend about half an hour in the batting cage hitting those yellow softballs that look like golf balls. Afterwards we headed to the park and ended up running into... hmm.. how to explain this one... well, he'd be my ex's boyfriend and her two little girls. I get on pretty well with the guy, and am pretty much one of his only friends in town. We took the kids on a little nature hike in the park and DS was thrilled that we ended up finding what I think is a racoon skeleton. We took the skull and gave it to the caretaker of the nature center there to put in one of their displays. The kids felt awfully proud to have helped contribute to one of the community parks.

My Wednesday visitation went pretty well.. DS wanted to do the go-carts again and then off to one of the other parks here in town. I wasn't feeling all that great so it seemed like a good idea to let him play outside with some other kids with me sitting far enough away not to re-infect him. He had a blast though so it all turned out good. When WW came to pick him up she came with her younger sister and had DSD in the car. I at least got to tell DSD that I love her.. she didn't give much of a response but I could tell the little girl is conflicted and confused about where she and I stand with eachother. I didn't force the issue and got a wave goodbye from both DSD and DS as they pulled out of the driveway.

Yesterday WW called though and wanted the charger for DS's power wheels. I told her I'd drop it in her van at her workplace after I got off work, and she said that'd be ok.

This morning though she text messaged me (first time she's used this form of communication with me.... ever... it was her 'secret' way of communicating with Wonderboy the week before she moved out.. not sure if there's any significance there but..) and wanted me to bring it into the office. I may have to end up working late tonight so this gave me the opportunity to ask if I could run it by her apartment on my way out of town tonight.. and after a short negotiation everything is cool.. it seems at least we're able to negotiate with eachother 'safely' now... which is an improvement.. maybe even enough to call it a LV.

Not sure if it was her phone call last night or the fact that tomorrow will be 5 years from the day we met.. but I had a very vivid dream last night. Without going into too many details it involved two locations right next to eachother.. it's difficult to say if they were houses or apartments as they had characteristics of both.. I remember passing between the two places several times and 'snooping' when I was at her 'place' but coming up empty.. and her eventually catching me.. a conversation ensued which was bizzare but ended up with one of those extended eye gazes and then she kissed me.. and all the emotion welled up within me and I kissed her like I kissed her 5 years ago (some will remember me telling that story SEVERAL pages back).. and the fire was suddenly rekindled.. she went to what -was- my place.. which was now 'wonderboy's' place to collect her things and tell him goodbye.. he was devistated.. and somehow I ended up coming in on the tail end of the conversation.. and forgave him for his part in this.. and then we left.. and I woke up..

Now the dream seemed to take a LONG time.. but I only slept about 2 hours before I woke up from it.. the feelings were so raw.. so profound I had to go for a short walk to clear my head before I could go back to sleep...

Just a weird week I guess.. Not getting too worked up though.

I know my recurring thought has been though, that I really miss my best friend.. and with what few encounters we've had in the last month or two becoming more relaxed and 'safe' feeling.. even the brief R talk we had when she told me Wonderboy was moving out.. I almost wonder if we aren't becoming friends again.

Still.. keeping the guard up.. not trusting the movements the gerbil is making... and I'm not going to lunge. I'm just going to be me.. that used to be enough for her.. maybe she'll see whatever it is she saw in me before as I get back to being myself.

If I'm to be totally honest, I wasn't entirely happy in the marriage either.. I remember now what just being happy with who I am and making no excuses for it really is like.

I've still got my foot in the doorway, keeping the door from closing.. still praying.. still hoping.. still loving my wife and children the best I can under the circumstances. I still believe that's what God wants me to do. Still in Plan A with the W, and Plan B with the WW.. but I'm starting to see more glimpses of W again. She's still with Wonderboy, so I'm under no illusions.. but I gotta wonder sometimes.. these are actions, not words... so I'm paying attention.

OK... WTF!?!?!?

Just before I left work today I get an email from WW..

Basically it's just a heads up that they're doing microchipping and registration for dogs at the humane society here in town. She said they were passing out flyers at the courthouse today. (Don't panic folks.. she's a legal secretary remember?)..

She remembers that I was talking about this time last year going to get our dog chipped.. so she thought I'd like to know..

This is strange to me.. STRANGE.. has nothing to do with 'us' or the kids or anything that she'd have to go out of her way to email me about..

Anyone? I'm scratching my head a bit here... have I just been sitting here with my guard up so much, have been hurt so horribly that when she does something 'nice' for me I don't trust it?

She is just scratching around the rabbit hole. She wants a little response to know you are out there. If you say something nice it will remove a single brick off her pallet of guilt.

Wayzilla did the same thing a couple times after the divorce was final. Once right around D-Day, and once on my birthday. I did not respond.

Don’t respond.

Ditto. Things aren't so great with Wonderboy, so she still wants to make sure you are still "there" as a fallback option. This will only prolong her affair. That is the purpose of plan B. If you aren't in plan B yet, you need to be.

More patience. More of what you have been doing. More strength and rebuilding of you.

Yes, yes, yes, they are all correct.

Just be still.

Have a nice weekend, take care of you.

<knocking quietly>

Hello, anybody home? Want to talk for a little while?

Hey there guys... oh that I had waited for the responses.

I didn't do too much damage in a response.. it was simply: I wasn't aware of this. Thank you for thinking of me and our dog.

Sushi: Hey there.. I'm still around.. suppose I could give the weekly update today.

Friday I went over to the apartment for the first time. It's a pretty nice place.. I was honestly half expecting a $hithole and was a little dissapointed when I saw how nice her place and her furnishings etc was.. it's not a house, but she's really set herself up quite well. I later decided I'd just be happy that my kids weren't living in a dump, and that was the important thing.

Wonderboy was there.. and I actually got to 'chitchat' with DSD for a few minutes before she climbed onto the couch with him. That hurt a little, but I did get to tell her that I was very proud of how well she was doing in school, and that I love her again before I left... going to be a long road of healing with her too if I'm ever allowed back in her life. DS didn't understand why I didn't stay longer, but I simply said that daddy had come to drop off the charger for his car and to see him for a few minutes, and didn't want to overstay my welcome.

The weekend was fascinating, not in regards to my M or my kids, but in that I spent it jamming with several of my old former bandmates and then Sunday night with my current ones. Music has always been an anchor for me, and a release when I needed it. I'm glad that I can feel myself letting this flow freely in my life again.. and what's more, I'm feeling inspired. It's a constructive way I guess to get my frustrations out.

Sunday night though after my nightly phone call with DS I got a call back from him about half an hour later.. DS just wanted to call me back and tell me he loves me.. it was one of those 'AWWWwwwwwww' moments that remind a guy he's got some of the best kids in the world.. DS made it a point to tell me that Wonderboy was the one who called me back for him.. not reading into that.. but thought it was interesting that he mentioned it.

DD had her first softball game of the season on Saturday, and they did pretty well, winning 13-3. DD had a strikeout and a walk, and made a couple of really good plays in the field. She's looking forward to game 2 of the season tonight provided the weather holds.

Last night was a little odd though, and I'm a bit conflicted over how I should have handled it according to the MB plans and what people here would probably tell me vs how I did handle it and honestly I feel ok about the choice I made.. got to live with it at any case.

A little background on it though.. back at the end of last month I sent WW a note that the registration was due on the vehicle she took with her when she left. It was cheaper for me to just get the renewals for both cars done at the same time, and she agreed to pay me at some point before the 30th (when the registration expires)..

Well.. she answered last night when I called for DS with this sob story about how her new cellphone provider charged her $300 on this last bill when it should have been about 1/4 of that amount and how she's going through her bank and challenging the charge blah blah blah... long sad story (that isn't MY problem) short.. she doesn't have the money for the registration (which I have been holding until payment is made)... I agreed to let her slide until Sunday when she picks DS up.

Many here will probably say I'm enabling her by not making a big deal of this.. honestly I'm just going to document this as ANOTHER financial irresponsibility that I end up shouldering the burden for.. which may come in useful at mediation in forcing the issue that whatever debts she takes on she is FORCED to transfer into her name rather than me trusting her to pay me or them on time with it under my name.

My response on the phone was something to the tune of 'Well.. $hit happens.. you -will- have the money on Sunday right?'

If it's not there Sunday we're going to have to have the 'Look, you chose not to have me in your life anymore.. that's going to mean you need to step up to the plate and take care of your financial obligations without depending on me to pick up the slack... the 'favors' and letting things slide has to end now.. I can't continue to allow myself to suffer for your poor decisions any longer.'

It's slightly triggering.. especially knowing that she'll 'use' me until it dries up.. and then move on to the next sucker in line.. and I almost wonder if I don't do it just to maintain that sort of connection with her.. but it's a parasitic relationship.. I'm getting nothing out of it.. and it's hurting me.. it's got to stop.

Hi James,

I'm glad that your band and music is bringing you comfort right now. We can use all the help we can get.

It's also awesome that you got time with DSD. I can't imagine how hard that would be for you.

It's interesting how we keep getting these different situations pop up for us to decide what to do. So much figuring out, so much manuevering.

Have you prayed about it?

I haven't exactly prayed about -this- situation as I feel it's pretty clear in my mind what God would want me to do.

It goes against every instinct I have to just let her have it and unload all of my frustrations that have mounted over the financial crap since she left... it's gotten past the point of being rediculous.

Then again.. I -know- my wife.. and I think it's simply irresponsibility.. not maliciousness. Read a quote somewhere that went something to the effect of 'Never attribute malice to anything that can be accounted for by stupidity'

I think that if God were sitting here right now counseling me, he would urge me to be patient with her, and forgive the hurts and move on with doing good things in my life.. It's not going to kill me not to have the money for a few days.. it's the principle of the matter.

It's something I need to let go of and just keep track of everything so that I've got all my ducks lined up for mediation.. which I understand is the next step in this D process.