Atonement?
Reparation?
Retribution?
Making Amends?
Call it what you will...

Been giving a lot of thought to BobP's "Perpetual Lovebuster" idea, but have come up with a slightly different take.

In general I believe the MB principles are exceptional for interrupting or ending an affair, and extremely valuable in building a strong marriage.

Where I see a bit of a gap is in the "Recovery" phase after the affair has ended and WD is pretty well through. MB discusses "Just Compensation" for the WS to earn back trust from the BS, but for my tastes, it leaves a lot out.

As I see it, for me, my biggest EN right now, and I do believe they are somewhat fluid, is what I've termed Reparation. That is that I need my wife, through her actions, to try to right some of the injustices she perpetrated on our marriage and on me.

The top 10 EN's we're all familiar with are critical for building and maintaining a healthy marriage, but all the admiration, SF, whatever, alone will not completely fix the holes in my love bucket that need to be fixed before a substantial amount of love can fill it.

I know this may be completely different for each situation based on many factors, but from my perspective, I'm not sure I can move forward and regain the respect and trust I once had in spades for WW unless and until she addresses some of these issues. Sadly she seems to think she's doing all she can to "help me heal", but I'm not feeling it.

She seems to get motivated, put forth a brief effort and not follow through. I don't think she's ready yet to do anything that she feels uncomfortable with to address it. An example is her posting about a half dozen times here last week, but saying to me last night when I asked if she did any more, "I don't think I like posting."
It is this type of listless attitude she seems to take that prevents me from really trusting that she's truly remorseful and wants to do whatever is necessary to make things right, not just appease me.

At any rate, thoughts on my top EN?

Thoughts on how to get her more on board with recovery?

T2H - what exactly are you looking for?

Posting on MB isn't the be-all and end-all you know. It would be very helpful for her but not essential.

What do you want from her?

Is she following the laws of protection, time, honesty and care?
Is she maintaining NC?
Are you sending 15 hours a week of undivided attention?


OR are you LB'ing her trying to educate her and berating her when she won't post on MB? She seems o be trying to please you. WHat more do you need?

Thanks, BK for the reply.
No, I am not nor have I ever berated her.
I understand that posting here is her choice. I only mentioned that as an example of her seeming disinterest generally in addressing some of the issues we need to work on together. She decided to post on her own. Presented that information to me as an indication of her trying to better understand the dynamics of what went on not only for her edification, but to try to understand better from my perspective. I was quite enthused at her effort, and feel that there are many here who can communicate to her from a nuetral position to help her along.
Then she pulls the plug.
Now I know during Plan A I'm not to have any expectations. At this point, however she has told me she wants to do whatever she can to, in her words, "help me heal".
So I think it should be ok to expect some level of follow through with what she says she will do.

I guess in some ways I'm not sure specifically what I want from her other than to see some effort through her actions around helping us get through this.
I almost feel like it might be better for her to do nothing rather than say she's going to do something, then not.

At any rate, I didn't really mean for this thread to focus solely on my sitch, rather to open a little dialogue about the general concept that recovering from an affair may introduce an additional EN for the BS that doesn't normally make Harley's list.
Again, in reference to BobP's perspective that the betrayal creates a perpetual lovebuster, my view is that if the additional EN (which I believe temporary) is properly addressed by the FWS, maybe you never get to the continually unsatisfying state so many seem to be stuck in, and frankly I wish to avoid...

What do you think?

Is the affair still active?

Cause if not, why are you still in Plan A?

I'm not still "in" plan A. I do however still show extrordinary care and concern for meeting her needs. I believe that it is a foundation of the MB principles.
She has been in NC since 1/1, what I meant to say was WHEN I was in Plan A.
Now that we presumably are in Recovery, shouldn't a level of expectation that she will do what she says she will do exist?

Harley calls what I'm talking about "Just Compensation". I just feel as though how it's described falls a little short of all that my be required for a BS to regain trust for their FW. That's where my theory of the additional "Recovery" EN comes in.

Does that make more sense?

OK so I'll go back to my original post and ask again what she isn't doing that you think she should be doing?

What isn't she following through on?

I think the first step to this "Just Compensation" is ensuring NC with the OP.

To me, the subsequent steps are:
Be willing to listen to and meet your needs as a sponse.
Ensure that she is open and transparent so this does not happen again.
Stay away from situations which could lead to momentary weakness.

If these things are done, no matter how, it seems this is all you can ask. There is no way your spouse can ever repay the damage done and it is not healthy to entertain a "Recovery" EN which has no defined repayment.

It is kind of a forgive and don't forget for a long time. Eventually, you will forget as you get to a level of trust seen pre-affair.

This is my opinion.

IMO, MB and recovery isn't about doing things that make withdrawals. It's POJAing and negotiating things that you all can do enthusiastically to meet each other's needs. Mkaing deposits along the way.

As I understanding, wanting to gain at the other person's expense, or being willing to give at your own expense, is the renter's mode. The buyer is the one that is willing to put in the effort to get to know themselves and what they want and what each other wants well enough to negotiate with their takers to find the win-win.

I'd be really interested to hear what you think.

Here at MB I learned about renegotiating agreements that we are no longer enthusiastic about. If it gets extreme where one person does their part, and then the other person doesn't do theirs, then they say the one who doesn't follow through "goes first." That way, you know right away when something needs renegotiating, instead of down the line.

I also learned a LOT about expectations! That they are premeditated resentments.