hello,

Ive been married to my wife for 14 years and we have four children. About 4 yrs ago she told me that she loved me but wasnt in love with me. That hurt me a lot and did nothing for my self esteem to the point that I got very jealous and started to worry that she would find someone else. Then about two years ago we went on a holiday back to the city we were both from and she did what she wanted to do with her friends the entire holiday and told me it was over. I suspected that she had cheated with an ex that she met at another friends party but she denied it. We headed home after the holiday and I moved out for 3 weeks. During the time I moved out she said that the ex had told her if she had gone home years ago he would have married her. I asked her if she wished she had done this and she said yes. That also hurt a lot. After the break I moved back home and evenually things started going realy well. Our sex life improved and we didnt fight as much. But for the next 1 1/2 yrs whenever we did have a fight I would accuse her of having the affair. We moved to our home city to live last October and one day in January I found out that she really did have the affair. She is very sorry for it and although I promised to forgive her and move on everytime we fight I bring it up.
Due to that and other problems its now got to the stage where she moved out for 2 weeks and then Ive now moved out and let her have the house back and I am living at my mums for two weeks. I have asked her if she is going to want to work things out after the two weeks or not. One minute she says I dont think I will be ready to do that after two weeks and then the next minute she says we need a break from each other and just see what happens after the two weeks is up. So part of me thinks she wants to work things out and perhaps give me another chance after the 2 weeks and part of me thinks she just doesnt want to tell me its over for good and is stalling. My sister and a friend said to just leave her alone for now but I couldnt help myself and tonight text her asking to forgive me and later phoned her. She got a bit angry over the texts and told me to just leave her for now.

Okay now you know all that here is a run down on what we both do to annoy the other partner.

Me:- I am very argumentative and always have to have the last word. I can be very angry and get nasty. (I dont hit her or anything) I say things and call her names when Im angry that I dont mean and I can't control my viper tongue sometimes. I also cant shut my mouth when I should. My wife will often say.."Go on keep going, keep burying yourself deeper" But I dont care and just keep flying with the insults. Of course the next day I am sorry for it but then usually its too late. On the other hand I do so much for her, clean the house on weekends help with the kids, and always rub her feet, back etc. She has admitted to people that I would do anything for her.

Wife:- She shows me little to no afffection what so ever and says shes just not an affectionate person even though she cuddles our kids often. When I hug her its a struggle to put her arms around me and when I kiss her she does what I call grandma kisses where she kisses me on the side of my lips. Only once in the past 12 months has she kissed me passionately whilst we were having sex. Most of the time she wont kiss me at all during sex. She never cuddles up to me in bed at night, she never rubs my back or anything like that yet I do it to her all the time. She never says I look nice in new clothes or pays me compliments yet I tell her every single day she looks gorgeous.
I dont know why but I am obssessed by her. I just want the chance to fix things and for her to give me another chance. Ive told her this time its different because I now realise what Ive lost and what I need to do to fix things. Im reading everythng on this sight and Im about to start seing a psyhcologist to help me with my anger issues and nasty viper tongue.
I just dont know if she is going to give me that other chance after the two weeks or not. So your thoughts and suggestions on this would be great and much appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

Have you read all the articles on this site and ordered the books? It sounds like you have a variety of issues. You should order Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs, plus post over on General Discussion where there is more traffic and veterans who have been there done that.

I don't know whether she's currently having an affair (very possible) or you two just weren't properly recovered after the first one. Either way, read the articles on this site about Plan A.

And also read the pages about LoveBusters. You've got to stop the verbal abuse if you want this to work. That doesn't mean you can't talk about it and expect her to help you deal with it (when she's ready) but you can't use it to hurt her and expect her to stick around. You have to make up your mind if you want marriage recovery or just revenge because you can't have both.

You might want to consider getting some anger management counseling. In the meantime, you need to learn to walk away and cool off when you feel tempted to say something hurtful. Don't do it in a hurtful way, just say something like "I'm too upset to talk right now. Just give me some time to cool down and we can talk then." She might press you for a specific time, and that's okay, you should do give her a time if she asks. Then use that time to do what works for you - write down what you're feeling or go for a walk - different things work for different people.

A "break" is usually a bad idea because it's usually used as a way to spend more time with an affair partner. On the other hand, she might just need a break from your verbal abuse. Somehow you've got to show her that you can spend time with her without subjecting her to verbal assault. You are right to be concerned about protecting the boundaries of your marriage but you are going about it in a way that is driving her away from you.

Assuming you've told us the whole truth and there has been no physical abuse, you should move back home. But you cannot under any circumstances yell or call her names or engage in any love buster (read up on Love Busters on the articles on this website.) You need to convince her you are serious about making this change, so if you can get anger management counseling in your area then make an appointment and tell her about it. Again, read about Plan A.

And get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair".

1. Move back home NOW, as soon as you read this post. Moving out can be twisted into abandonment, so it's not in your best interests to be out of the home.

2. If she wants to separate, let her do the heavy lifting, I.E. she can get her own apartment, whatever. However, children and marital property stays in the marital home.

You cannot keep her from leaving, but you cannot be forced out of the home either.

If she wants to separate, make it with a written agreement and a plan to restore the marriage. The only way I would ever agree to a separation again is with clearly defined boundaries, such as both agree to no dating, marriage counseling with a counselor both agree upon, mentoring for each spouse by same-sex elders from the church, etc.

I agree with the time limit. I disagree that it should be you leaving. She is the one who had the affair and created the hostile environment, so if she wants separation, it is her that needs to go and leave everything in the marital home.

While she is gone, you do need to address your tongue. I don't want to minimize that contribution to the current state of your marriage.

However, given that she has cheated before and is given the ILYBINILWY speech, you need to protect yourself and your children from another potential affair. The way you do this is by not leaving and if she insists on a separation, show her where the door is, and hand her a suitcase to pack her things.

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I just need to clarify a few statements made. She had the affair 2 years ago but I only found out for certain it was true about 4 months ago. She does deeply regret what she did, has never been in contact with the person since, and despises him for what happened. (We were on holidays in the city at the time and we lived 5000 kms away.) It was a once off thing when she was really drunk at a friends party and he made the move. Ive had another close friend of hers confirm all of this in confidence to me. I know shes not having an affair now and Im 100% sure of that. Shes never on her own we have four kids and if she goes out with her friend they are home before midnight and I usually drop them off and pick them up.
The fighting we have been having isnt so much about the affair. I told her I would forgive her and was willing to move on and not to bring it up but everytime we had a fight I would bring it up again because I was angry. Thats not her fault, I need to be learning to get over it and move on. Our main problem is just that I can be very high maintenance sometimes and needy and I cant control my viper tongue. Im always wanting affection from her and she feels smothered and then we have a fight and I say "You dont really love me do you." then it starts the argument.
Originally she said we could live as boarders for awhile and she would sleep in the spare room. But then one day she was sick and was in our bed and I cuddled up to her and she let me. The next night I asked her for a cuddle and she said "Im not ready for that yet you know were just taking it easy for awhile." I should have left it at that but 2 mins later walked out to the room called her a user and hurled a barrage of abuse at her. The next day she said she had enough and packed and went to her brothers house to live with the kids.
After about two weks she asked if I would move out as the kids werent stable in this environemnt and needed their own house, friends etc. Also her brother came back from holiday and my mum was going on holidays so it made the best sense for her to come back and me to move out. I understand about the abandonment but she would never do that. We are both remaining very amicable.
Just to add I have NEVER physically abused her in anyway what so ever. Shes actually punched me in the head on more than one occasion and a fight we had recently the police turned up and she told them she did that but I said I didnt want to press charges. I said that I antagonised her so I dont blame her.

I would love to move back home after the two weeks even if it was just as boarders to see how things go but Im not sure if shes going to let me after the two weeks is up. She suffers from depression but only just admitted a week ago that its not my fault and she was wrong to blame me for it like she has. I thought that was a real plus.
She has given me mixed feelings about it all. She said the other day she doesnt think that 2 weeks is enough for her to get over everything thats happened the last few months. But then again another time when I was speaking to her and saying how much I hate living at my mums house and wasnt going to stay here any longer than two weeks, she said "Look we need a break from each other and just wait and see what happens after the two weeks is up. So now im wondering does she want me back after the two weeks but just doesn't want to tell me that just yet or does she not want me back after the two weeks but doesnt want to tell me that either just yet for fear of hurting me too much, so is hoping that after two weeks I might be over her a bit more and can handle it better? She did tell my sister in confidence that she hopes we can work it out one day. Im very confused by it all.