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~MelodyLane
I have every intention to air all this tonight if she comes home. And yes we need better ground rules, which are in place when I travel, which is more then she does..She rarely does.
Her actions of late really suprises me...
C.G.
D-Day Sept 4th 2006 (Labor Day Holiday)
No Holiday for me...
Numerous D-Day's
BS - 50
FWS - 47
Three Children DD(26) DD(24) DS(21)
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~Resonance
She posted earlier in our recovery as "qetuo", but was caught in some lies and did not want to face the music or the people on this forum. For that matter few people she associates with even know of the A, I dont think her brothers know, certainly not her friends, even the close ones.
And thanks for the shoulder - I was loosing it
C.G.
D-Day Sept 4th 2006 (Labor Day Holiday)
No Holiday for me...
Numerous D-Day's
BS - 50
FWS - 47
Three Children DD(26) DD(24) DS(21)
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CG, when you say you have had numerous D-days, what do you mean exactly? And when was the LAST ONE?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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~Resonance
My Boundaries covered disrespectful behavior, Flirtacious behavior, the recovery process and many other boundaries I identified while writting them down. But maybe I do not have specific enough boundaries to properly protect myself or my M?
Another A will result in D, despite how much I love this woman.
C.G.
D-Day Sept 4th 2006 (Labor Day Holiday)
No Holiday for me...
Numerous D-Day's
BS - 50
FWS - 47
Three Children DD(26) DD(24) DS(21)
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CG,
Did your W ever quit her job that involved her with her original OM( a contractor as I looked up your original post).
Leaves me a little puzzeled as to what the business trip may have been about. Did it involve contractors?
All blessings,
Jerry
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~ MelodyLane
Well, there were so many lies she was telling about the A. When it started, how much contact was involved, when the PA started and ended. These details with the help of the OMW came out gradually, she was lying to us the whole time during MC. I did not know but the OM came to see her at work two or three times after D-day that she never told us about, she left work to call him and mail packages were sent, I think packages only from OM? I still have doubts she really revealed all or just enough to satisfy what we found out?
The last one January 2007 I think, where he physically visitied him.
D-Day Sept 4th 2006 (Labor Day Holiday)
No Holiday for me...
Numerous D-Day's
BS - 50
FWS - 47
Three Children DD(26) DD(24) DS(21)
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Posts: 307
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~ shinethrough
We agreed in MC that she could keep her job. We contacted OM bosses and W's bosses to let them know what happened. The OM has not been back to our area as far as I know.
Thats just it, its so easy to cover communication these days. If she wanted to talk with him, her job is the least of my worries. There is sooo much uncertainty in this process.
C.G.
D-Day Sept 4th 2006 (Labor Day Holiday)
No Holiday for me...
Numerous D-Day's
BS - 50
FWS - 47
Three Children DD(26) DD(24) DS(21)
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We agreed in MC that she could keep her job. We contacted OM bosses and W's bosses to let them know what happened. Great, so how many time in the last two years have you heard from these bosses to reasure you that there has been no contact? As far as MC goes, I have heard many say to the WW that it should be perfectly OK to keep your job. OTOH, Dr H is adamant about quiting job, moving to another city and changing the schooling of kids, to absolutely ensure NO CONTACT FOREVER, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!! But you didn't directly answer my Q, did this business trip involve contact with contractors? Not trying to hound you CG, it's important. All Blessings, Jerry
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Also - and I'm not an expert in these things, so this is one for the vets to answer - I see that you say most ppl i.e. her friends and family don't even know about the A.
Wouldn't it be more protective of the M if ppl did know? Maybe it's all in the past and there's no good reason to expose, as long as the OMW and her boss knows... or maybe there is a reason? Avoiding consequences sounds like foggy non-remorseful thinking. So does rationalizing staying in the same job situation.
I just mention this in case it's important and was overlooked.
I hope she was just too tired/drunk to answer the phone at 1 am, and that she was in the shower when you called in the morning. But wouldn't she have seen the message light blinking? Something to ask her, if you left messages.
me - 47  H - 39  married 2001 DS 8a  DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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~ shinethrough
This business trip is an industry female convention, there will be few male speakers, but not any contractors. And I have spoken to my W's boss about what happened.
C.G.
D-Day Sept 4th 2006 (Labor Day Holiday)
No Holiday for me...
Numerous D-Day's
BS - 50
FWS - 47
Three Children DD(26) DD(24) DS(21)
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Posts: 1,632
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OK CG,
AS I said, I was not trying to hound you. Are you comfatable with this????
Did you mean that you spoke to W"s boss recently or in the past?
All Blessings,
Jerry
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~ jayne241
I broadcast to my whole family and network, she elected to only tell her mom and dad. Even her closest friends do not know.
As to the phone calls, when I did not hear from her early on I called because I needed to let her know I was not picking her up at the airport. When I could not reach her, I became angered as this was old behavior, so from about 10:00 pm to 1:00 pm I called on the hour and left messages, none of which were returned.
D-Day Sept 4th 2006 (Labor Day Holiday)
No Holiday for me...
Numerous D-Day's
BS - 50
FWS - 47
Three Children DD(26) DD(24) DS(21)
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Posts: 307
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~ Jerry
I'm OK with this, totally. I was worried that W did not reveal to her superiors as I had asked, and I know her boss really well. I called and explained the reson for my call and that I wanted her assurance that the OM was not allowed in the property, this was about six mos ago.
If they wanted to see each other, work has no effect on it.
C.G.
D-Day Sept 4th 2006 (Labor Day Holiday)
No Holiday for me...
Numerous D-Day's
BS - 50
FWS - 47
Three Children DD(26) DD(24) DS(21)
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Posts: 4,652
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So I wonder what she has to say about when/if she ever saw the messages. Like, if it's true she was there, why didn't she return the calls as soon as she woke up?
I agree with everyone else - the BEST case scenario is that she is being very disrespectful and not protecting the marriage or you.
I don't like the sound of her "electing" to hide her A from her family and closest friends. Doesn't sound remorseful. And everything sounds like she isn't following the Rule of Protection.
me - 47 H - 39 married 2001 DS 8a DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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~jayne241
She commented that she saw the messages, but was unable to retreive them. I'm banking on that best case scenario otherwise this kids gonna take another fall. I have confidence that she still has one boundary intact, hopefully the one about infidelity.
That ones a deal breaker.
D-Day Sept 4th 2006 (Labor Day Holiday)
No Holiday for me...
Numerous D-Day's
BS - 50
FWS - 47
Three Children DD(26) DD(24) DS(21)
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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She was avoiding you last night for some reason.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She feels she has done nothing wrong and we are getting nowhere, other then I feel like I've been thrown under the bus....
D-Day Sept 4th 2006 (Labor Day Holiday)
No Holiday for me...
Numerous D-Day's
BS - 50
FWS - 47
Three Children DD(26) DD(24) DS(21)
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You are right to feel that way.
Personally, I would just straight-out label her a wayward and make my plans from there.
I do believe your marriage can be saved, even if an A is still going on. If your expressions of pain and distress have not been enough to move her, and it doesn't sound like they have, I would recommend preparing for Plan B.
Plan B can even be used if there is not an active affair - in that case it is still to protect the BS until the WS is ready to be fully on board with marriage building efforts.
Next time you find a counselor, I would also recommend one that is friendly to MB, and not trying to cut you off from a major source of support during recovery, which is difficult enough even in the best of circumstances.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Hey All,
Last night was an emotional evening for Queto (W) and I, and I appreciate everyone’s support, I really needed it. I explained my feelings and boundaries to what occurred in NO and her business trip, I also explained how these things triggered me. We sat and mirrored each other to validate and better understand what the other was feeling. I think this brought us back to the playing field.
In hopes of getting us back on track to recovery, I suggested she again begin posting in this thread for us to better understand where we went wrong as a recovering couple, and how better to deal with similar situations we may encounter in the future.
Hopefully we will both be back on later today.
C.G.
D-Day Sept 4th 2006 (Labor Day Holiday)
No Holiday for me...
Numerous D-Day's
BS - 50
FWS - 47
Three Children DD(26) DD(24) DS(21)
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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C.G., where was she all evening? Did she answer your questions? What is "mirroring?" Is that some new age counseling term?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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