Yeah, it's a HUGE problem for me. I'm ok with the overnight (one night) flying into Redmond (six hour drive from OW) where his dad picks him up, he stays at his dad's house, they work together the next day, his dad takes him to the airport, and he flies home. That's the FIRST trip that we are faced with. But it is sometime this month and I'm still a mess about it.

I want FWH to just KNOW that it is too much and make the choice to protect us (and me) by postponing this or figuring out for himself how I can go with him. But it honestly falls to me to plan the protection. I hear a lot of people here talking about how their WS recognized the need for protection and to some extent he does, but he doesn't DO it for himself, he gives me permission to do it for him. Does that make sense?

Me too!

Personally, I would put a keylogger on the computer, and check his cell phone bill.

He's been having an affair with the OW for FOUR YEARS. He supposedly he ended it on his own 2 and a half months ago.

And now he HAS to expand his business to Oregon, where, coincidentally, the OW lives. And he finds it necessary to spend a week there. And his partner can't go.

There are RED FLAGS all over this situation.

Even if you go along, there are still just as many red flags all over this situation. The puckymeter is sounding loudly.

Have you exposed the affair to his family?

HTM, I don't see this as a matter of him "embracing" MB principles, i see this as a matter of him not agreeing to protect your marriage from affairs. You don't need to frame it as his having to embrace MB principles. Most won't.

But they WILL embrace your BOUNDARIES if they want to stay married. For example, in my marriage, if my H wants to stay married to me he knows he cannot speak to old GFs, etc. Sure, that is a MB principle, but it is a MELODYLANE BOUNDARY that he must abide.

This is more about your boundaries, HTM and what you need as protection from him. If you frame it the way you are: "he won't accept MB," then you are going to run into obstacles.

Set your boundaries and OWN THEM. That way the fight is not over which "program" he likes or doesn't like.


This was a perfect solution.


Hand him a list of what it will take for you to recover. Tell him your boundaries. Tell him what it will take for you to feel safe and to FORGIVE HIM. Surely he wants you to feel safe, no?

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

entire article here

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

HTM,

I am getting confused here.

On YOUR thread, you said that FWS WANTED you and kids to travel with him. But that YOU wanted to find a different solution. YOU didn't want the inconvenience and expense. YOU thought you should be able to trust him.

I addressed this on your thread.

Now on THIS thread, it sounds more like your FWS is the one who is bucking the idea of you traveling with him.

This is VERY important. I have wondered about whether he is actually a FORMER WS. And I am concerned with your desire to trust him QUICKLY. On your thread, it seems like you want to skip some of the extraordinary precautions, and you have made it sound like that is coming from you NOT him.

Is he completely on board or is he begrudging about the healthy boundaries in a marriage?

I am not sure he has gone through withdrawal from this 4 year affair. And him traveling to her town for ANY amount of town will be a trigger for him and is a BAD idea.

It is time to get REALLY honest about your situation. I sense that the internal struggle you are having has more to do with you knowing what you need and your F?WS not being enthusiastic about providing it. I think your fear about being too controlling is more about your fear that if you clearly state your boundaries and stick to them, he will leave.

Am I wrong, HTM?

You see, I've been in false recovery, and some of what you are dealing with right now with your WS's attitude sounds very familiar.

SS,

I need to consolidate...I meant for this to be more a discussion about "Why MB versus another recovery program" and I have let it lead into MY situation.

I am going to answer you on My thread..."Recovery Between Work, School, and Soccer?"

Sorry for the confusion. I guess I'm a slow learner...I need to just ask EVERYTHING on my thread.

HTM

Well, like my H said, he and I are taking what works for us, and also working with another, local program as well.

I think as long as you focus some serious effort on rebuilding your marriage, and the trust, honesty, and communication within, you're going to be on the right path.


Oh, and keylogger and checking the cell bill. YES! Do that! This is coming from a FWS who is being monitored by both of those things. If he truly wants to rebuild things? He'll be happy for something concrete you can see.

There are other programs out there? I guess that sounds like a naive question, but...I had no idea!

HTM, this thread got kinda got OT, but I can see the validity of your concern. Who's to say any of this "works"? And with all the wonderful, knowledgable, successful marriage counselors out there, why subscribe to the school of thought that lives here?

I, too, have questioned what I'm being advised and/or what I'm doing with the advice, and I think it's completely normal to do so. We've got recovered couples posting here & we've got divorcees. We've got veterans & we've got trolls. People who stick to the plan to a T and people who can't stick to anything to save their (marriage's!) life!

I think it's in our nature to resist change. I spent more time than I'm proud of trying to convince myself and others here who know MUCH better than me that I *liked* the craziness I was living - it'd "worked" for me for 12 yrs - I don't know any different - and now that I do, it can be scary!

Even still, when I'm honest w/myself, it wasn't "working" and we were ALL miserable. I don't know if my marriage will be saved or not, but I do know that for the first time EVER I'm learning about ME. Maybe I will end up divorced (and that scares the CRAP outta me, still!) but if so, I will be so much of a better person, and I will be able to look myself in the eye knowing I did what was RIGHT for my FAMILY. Because throwing in the towel & calling my H home to "get it all back" is more tempting than I think I can bear sometimes...but I just don't want to go back to that place! The nice presentation ain't worth it - for me.

I'm no vet and my story is much too far from resolved. So, I cannot say "YES, do it cuz it works, I know firsthand" and they're not paying me to convince you to do one thing or another. But, I also know that the choices I'm making & what I'm doing is widely received as "odd" so it sure is nice to come here & have support from so many people who have been there. I figure if my H EVER "buys into it", it'll be a long time from now - and that's OK. Today, I'm working on ME.

Julie, H and I are working with a local group called Community Marriage Builders. (www.makeitlast.org) I'm not sure if there are "partner" programs anywhere else, but it's definitely worth checking out. We learned so much last weekend - it was amazing.