Queenie I know what you saying.I'm at a place now where even if I hear things about WH.It doesn't affect me in the least cos deep down I have realised my life will be better than his in the long run.I have a really strong feeling about this don't know why.
It makes me sad when I realise that I am moving on and losing my love for him.When the respect goes so does the love.I now know why so many woman in particular don't take WH 's back.

The fact that we are still thinking about them and wondering about what they are doing thinking and why they are doing something is what I mean.

Example #1

Example #2

Example 3#

Queenie,

It's not a switch that you can turn off. YOu will probably always have memories of your husband, but taking any time to make assumptions about the man he is today is time wasted. You are trying to compare apples to apples. It's really like comparing apples to refuse.

Don't attach the attributes of who you knew him to be to who he is today. Let him be who he is TODAY. Not who you hope he'll be in the future or who he was in the past. Accept today, this minute.

Who is he right now, in terms of your relationship (or lack thereof) without attaching any of your own notions of who he SHOULD be?

Is this a joke?

You (Mel & Believer) just made my day! Buh-bye!!

SL, I'm sure that I am still struggling with this, because I'm crying, but like everything else, I will get through it.

We all do because we are WARRIORS and GODDESSES.

I know this is pretty much a rheorical question, nonetheless, I guess that part that has me stunted so to speak is, move on, live a life without the man I knew as my H, expect him to not come back etc. But remember that you are still married so don't date, don't allow someone else to fill up any EN's etc. Wouldn't this be a part of moving on and learning to love yourself by allowing someone else in who you can share life with? I feel like I am caught in a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do.

Accept keep praying, show up today and wait for G-d.

Queenie I get what you are saying..but understand I'm not phased by WH anymore.The only reason I ask for advise is because my D is pending and I'm a bit worried that WH will say that I coped without his money so I won't need as much as my lawyer is asking for in the settlement.Its impossible to not think about WH but now I don't fret over him and let him get to me.

Kids just got back from WH.DS18 said that WH noticed a while ago my tyres needed replacing and that I must get a quote and he will pay for them!!What the f@#k!!Won't give me money but will pay for tyres...the rainy season has started so I suppose its not save on the roads.Feel like telling him to stick it!!

In PLAN B? Don't REACT to him. HE does not EXIST.

Mimi do I take him up on his offer to buy me tyres..I can't really afford them.My pride is saying not to.I don't want him to have control over me if you know what I mean.I am also a very stubborn person!
I will use my intermediary in this so I will not break plan B.Last time WH broke plan B it was also around 2 months!!

Hope:

No. Do not take him up on his request. That meets an EN of his which is what you DO NOT want to do during PLAN B. He is able to tell himself that he is still being your HUBBIE..YUCK...

Figure out a way TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF as if he does not exist.

Work out a settlement with your lawyer that requires him to pay you enough money to take care of such necessities as your tires.

Why do you measure 'moving on' solely by whether you have a significant other in your life? If this were true, than so many WS's on this site would not have returned to their BS's and mended their marriages. They would have 'moved on', right? NOPE!

To me, I will 'move on' when the grieving is done. I could have man after man going in and out of my life, and still not move on. I won't deny that having some form of opposite sex companionship would be nice, but it wouldn't be the CURE (plus, I'm not divorced and my head is still all mixed up).

Personally, I would get the tyres through your intermediary. You'll feel much safer with new tyres.

SL, you ask a very good question. One I don't have an answer for.

I am off to field for OS last coaching game and the return of gear. I will be back later on.

A good question....

This was a game my H played to FUEL his affair. Anytime he felt the least bit SHAMED, he would offer to buy me something and then JUSTIFY the affair as being OK..he was still "taking care of us"..YUCK..

The WS needs to SUFFER during PLAN B..meeting ANY emotional need, playing the HUBBY, FUELS the AFFAIR, IMO...

Plus, HOPE is not supposed to be getting information about him through her daughter if she is truly being DARK...

This is part of his gameplaying and I recommend for her not to feed into it...

She needs to find a means of buying the tires herself and not conveying a perception that she remains DEPENDENT on him...

DARK is DARK during PLAN B..with no IFS, ANDS or BUTS...

I think that is the MOST EFFECTIVE PLAN B..although extremely HARD, if not, almost impossible, to accomplish..

However, I think it should be the GOAL of PLAN Bers...

I got to the point of having to tell myself that I would not respond to my H, REGARDLESS of what he might say or do...

They are looking from RELIEF from the pain of PLAN B..and the PAIN is exactly what you are wanting the WS to experience...

From my understanding, my H began to LONG for some contact with me and he came to really believe that was not possible...while he was living in his H*ll HOLE.

Hey everyone

I've been DARK on my WH since July 2007--no contact from me at all. I hear very little about him except bits and pieces (nothing significant) through my atty. It's been great for my personal healing.

But to honest I don't consider my actions Plan B anymore because I am moving to divorce. I choose not have any contact WH because I don't want to be a part of drama of A anymore. And since we have no children, thee's no reason for WH and I have contact. Anything we need to settle out can be done through the attorneys/courts.

Personally I think it's harder for MBers who have minor children to do a dark Plan B--I really admire those who do it.

Smartie

I clearly remember that inspite of being in total shock.... once WS chose to move out...

...even though I could not, at the time, IMAGINE myself going N/C with the man with whom I had spent over 20 yrs of my life and the father of my boys....

....and I am not sure EXACTLY what it was... my survival instinct?.... my profound sense of responsibility towards myself and towards others (read: my boys) to PROTECT myself from WS's destructive behaviour?....my NEED to stand up for my core values and beliefs....directly linked to my personal IDENTITY? ..... (because as we all know....we need to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror every day!)....

...but inspite of not knowing HOW I would be able to do it, I KNEW, that for me, given who I was and what I stood for, it was Plan B.... or end up in the psychiatric ward of my local hospital!

....and at that point, the choice became easy to MAKE... although I knew it was going to be HARD to execute!....which is why it's important to have a very strong motivation going into Plan B....

... Plan B will be hard to sustain if it's intended to be used only as a bluff.... Plan B is serious business, it's a clear NO to WS's behaviour.... with a clear YES to committment to family and a committment to N/C with WS..... unless WS makes it SAFE to do otherwise (read: WS's committment to N/C with OP and back to family and M)

...otherwise, I believe, your Plan B's worst enemy and breaking N/C with WS is NOT WS.... it's the BS, believe it or not!

...because a WS WILL attempt to break and test Plan B, if cake-eating is their ultimate goal, but don't have a chance, IF BS is committed to not REWARDING bad behaviour unless WS committs to N/C with OP...and BS MUST BE PREPARED to move forward...to plan D, not as a threat, but as a natural progression from Plan B and its unmet conditions.... for reasons of PERSONAL RECOVERY... in order to be open to finding someone willing to meet plan B conditions, if not WS, someone else indeed...and FACE the LOSSES of dreams linked to WS!

...affairs will cause damage.... and unfortunately, since we can't change the past, the only thing accessible to a BS...is 'damage control'.... by MINIMIZING IT through Plan B and LEARNING from it.... so that a future R, with WS or someone new, will be better PROTECTED from the possibility of it happening again.... it's a hard lesson to learn, but a lesson nonetheless!

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I was reluctant to put myself in because my plan B has never been as dark as some, but it is Jennifer-approved.

SD:

Help us learn.

Why did Jennifer approve a less than DARK Plan B for you?

How has your PLAN B been different?