I think you are right.

The basic concept evidently.

Again, I am just forgetting the basics and thinking that there is somewhat of a human being in there. I just got caught off guard by the level of despicable selfishness. I think you are right.

Mimi, you nailed me. What I am realizing is that for so long I got away with blaming myself for the destruction of our M, and that therefore if I did this or that it would have changed things and I was somehow stupidly protecting him. But his latest actions just shows me what a monster he is and I didn't do anything, HE DID. So it's on him and I have to accept HIM for what and who he is.

Queenie,

I'm where you are hon - still blaming myself in some way. I didn't follow the plans to a T, so I blame myself for that too. I'm not sure how to get to the acceptance part either.

I'm going to follow your lead, so remember that I'm behind you. Just when I thought I was doing well, I fell apart again. I hate when that happens....

There is a huge difference between taking responsibility for the things that you did, prior to the A, to harm your spouse and your marriage, and DESTROYING your marriage.

Neither you nor Chai destroyed your marriage. HEck, the marriage wouldn't be destroyed to this day if your WS's committed to recovery.

The marriage is still recoverable as long as you are willing to do it. As soon as the BS gives up completely, as in Believer's case, there is no hope for recovery.

SL,

You are so right. I may have created in part the problems. But I didn't destroy this.

Today, I am still willing to recover my M. Today I am not sure it will always be this way either. I'm tired.

Hey Queenie,

...just borrowed the gist of this for the plan C thread...

How's the weather up there in the PNW? I'm bobbing around off the coast of So Cal.

L2F

It's cloudy and so so temperature wise, probably more cold. We did have a severe thunderstorm watch this morning. AND to add a little excitement we had a lock down at one of our schools which involved the jr high and how the little darlings got home today. Ah.... I LOVE my job.

I really could use some hard sun right now.

Plan C - I'm honored you used it. Thanks I think.

Queenie,

The time for snooping, checking up on WH and trying to figure out what effect your plan is having on him is through.

Plan B needs to get you into a mode of healing yourself and your children. You couldn't make him come back and be the husband you needed with Plan A. Now give Plan B time to work.

If you keep worrying about what he is or is not going to do, is doing or might have done all the time, you are still dealing with the affair and therefor losing love bank units at an accelerated rate. Your husband might still be in there someplace, but the alien is in full control right now. If he cared whether you and the kids had the money you need in order to live, he'd have come home by now.

Let your lawyer handle WH. You focus on you and the kids. Leave WH in God's hands and trust Him that whatever the eventual outcome, you will have a better life than what you can see right now. Go ahead and grieve the loss of you husband, but don't try to figure out what he is doing, thinking or even how he is doing physically or emotionally. Until he is ready to give up his current lifestyle, there is nothing you can do for him.

You know this already, Queenie. You know what it is like to live for the high and to he!! with everyone else. You can't have an epiphany for him...

Work on YOU. Work on the kids! Work on getting well and strong so that when WH crashes, you might have the strength to lead him home. If you are burned out or have lost all love for him, you will not want him when he is ready to join you.

But even if he is never ready to come home, you can have a better life than what you will lead by continuing to try to control him and make him wake up. You just can't live your life for him or through him. You have to live it for yourself...Heal yourself and let him fall as far as he must in order to see where he really is...

God's will is for you to be the best YOU that can be. His wish for you is a happy, healthy, fulfilled life as Queenie, not someone still stuck in limbo for the rest of her life.

As He told Joshua, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid..."

Live for Him and not for WH...

Shabbat Shalom!

Mark

I thought I was doing this, building a new life, moving on. Since I seem to be getting more and more people commenting on this I am truly at a loss at how I am doing it wrong.

Don't live in limbo? Heal myself? I thought I was doing that. I guess I am confused in a way. To me, not living in limbo would be saying my M is over and it's time move onto a new love or be open to whatever happens? I am building a life for me and the boys, I am creating possibilities of getting back into my house which could almost assuredly be the end of my M, I am trying to not get scared, but keep walking through stuff.

Mark, how do I heal myself, what am I missing here?

Thanks for the vote, I appreciate it.

Maybe me stop being afraid to take actions against WH for his lack of responsibiity in supporting his children and me? That' seems to be the one piece I am himming and hawing from. Nailing his butt to the wall for this. I'm still letting him control my reactions by me be careful versus going after what's right? Is that what you mean?

Queenie,

I mean you are still trying to figure out what he is doing and why he is doing it and when he is going to stop doing it...

When you consider your WH...STOP...Give him no consideration at all.

If he doesn't deposit the money, call the lawyer. If he doesn't call the kids to talk to them, take them someplace special. If he doesn't care about what he is doing for you, don't care about what he is doing at all.

You can't figure him out so why bother to try?

Your husband is not making your life hell. It is your wayward husband that is doing that. That is who you need to give up on so that if your real husband ever does want to come home you won't hate him as well as the WH.

You begin to heal by not worrying about what he is doing at all. If he doesn't deposit the check, did you really expect that he would? Your H would for sure, but this monster is not your H. What you can expect is for him to do anything he can to hurt you because that is what he has done so far. Expect it and know what to do when it happens. (Call your lawyer)

Don't cut him any slack. Don't give him any credit. Don't confuse him with the husband you still love. If you do, you won't want him either when the affair is over because it will kill all your love for him.

Figure out what it is that makes you happy, that gives you joy, that brings you peace. Pursue these things and let God care for you and take care of you. WH might have to lose everything before he will let loose of your husband. Until then, take care of YOU and take care of the KIDS and take care of anything you want to care for, but figure out a way to stop longing for your husband and thinking he is the guy who is doing this to you.

You ask yourself, "How could my husband do this to me?" and you lose a little more love and respect for him. The answer is, your husband is not doing this to you, your wayward husband is doing it and wayward husbands (and wayward wives) hurt their spouse that loves them and does not care about what it is doing to the kids and doesn't even consider what anyone thinks because they are not sane and don't make rational decisions. They lie, they cheat and they hurt other people who are counting on them. It isn't just what they do; it is who they are and even what they are...Liars, cheaters and hurtful selfish individuals.

So any time you ask "Why is he acting like this?" you had better duck. 'Cause I'm coming along with a 2X4 as soon as you ask.

And yes, you should hold him accountable to deal with the consequences of the choice he has made. One of those consequences is that his primary financial obligation is to his children. The fact that he has nothing left for OW is his problem. He'd have plenty of money if he wasn't living with her and came home to you ready to do whatever it takes to right his wrongs.

Mark

Thanks Mark,

I think this is a harder tall order than I realized. And without a doubt I have no other choice. BUT, it's not something that I can lie to myself and say ok, I'll do it.

It's more a process for me right now, because it goes against everything I believe and want.

I do understand what you are saying, but I don't like it. But, that's not my choice to like it, just accept it and pray to G-d for guidance on how to learn this.

I certainly can't.

Hi Queenie,


...YES, it is HARD, we won't lie to you ....all the more reason to give yourself some slack...

...I have made many mistakes... what's important is to not lose sight of your OBJECTIVE.... Plan B is to protect yourself from WS's bad behaviour (as much as you can anyway!)...so that you can fulfil your responsibilities, to yourself, as a mom, daughter, friend, etc.

...you may not be able to stop THINKING altogether about WS right away ...but that is your OBJECTIVE....

...and you WILL get there... just keep putting one foot in front of the other.... and don't beat yourself up so much....

((((((((((((((((((QUEENIE)))))))))))))))))))

I found a video with some advice for you!!!!

Advice from a great philosopher

Thanks Cinder.... How funny, I am a pisces and love to swim.... I promise I'll keep swimming. Sure wish I had the sun to go with it.

Thanks Luna, I really need you all on here. I think I am just so upset because lacrosse took up so much of my time and now that's gone and I don't know what to do with myself. My kids don't want me to hang around, it's not cool.

Maybe I can be accountable to put some goals on here for right now so I can keep myself going. Ok.

So, I need to get taxes done and start to put together books on my business and make some money so I don't rely on outside factors.

I'm trying to not beat myself up, but gosh, it's almost a year and so many others on here are so much farther along than me.

Oh well, like you said, I'll just keep plugging along and swimming like Cinder found for me.

{{{{{{{{ALL OF YOU}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you

Hi Queenie,


...sounds you hit the nail on the head...


...killing two birds with one stone..... this will keep busy and productive...


...let's focus on the fact that you have been at this for a year.... and....are you still standing up?

I believe so.

But shouldn't I be so much farther along?

Queenie - It took me longer than a year to start feeling good again. This stuff takes lots and lots of time.

But I DID force myself to get busy. I started a business, did volunteer work, joined a Bible study group, planted a garden, took some classes, and let everyone I knew know that I wanted to go out and have some fun.

Keep watching. G-d will bring you good things in your life.

Some people on here just seem like they have it together so much more than me. As my sponsor says, time just takes time.

Thanks for the suggestions, let me look at what I have put into place and see where I can add or take care of what I can. Today is just a day where I am tired of being cold and gray and want to just crawl into bed and make the time pass by sleeping.

Why do you keep comparing yourself to other people?

In my deepest, darkest hours, a truly wonderful friend told me, "Just keep making the next right choice."

And you compare YOURSELF NEGATIVELY.

This is STINKIN THINKIN..

Coming from your OWN MIND..some OLD TAPES, I think.

I certainly don't know any of these people who have it more together than you.

You must be speaking of a different forum than this one.