I could lie and give you a bunch of reasons that try to make up an excuse. But that's all it would be - a lie.

The answer is today I don't love myself enough to just accept that I am still learning and trying and to just give myself a break and honor the great gains I have made instead of always tearing myself down. Tearing myself down is my comfort zone.

I bet you've got some work to do around your place. Is it all [censored] and span? How about your car?

You have a very smart friend.

I have to do TAXES and I am avoiding it. I am so disorganized this year.

I could clean for awhile, because nope, not [censored] and span at all. I've been doing lacrosse with boys.

Car is with child who is gone.

I don't want to hear all of this NEGATIVITY!

YUCK!!

What in the world does this mean?

How is that COMFORTING?

You are not convincing ME of that.

List some things that are REALLY comforting.

Me either.....

and it's in my head...

As so as I can get away from the computer, I'll go clean and get some air in my body.....

not comforting, my comfort zone.... Way different.

Things that are really comforting...

My relationship with G-d.

The sun...

It's comforting to know that I even though I am down today, I know I'm not giving up, just fighting my way through this and learning about the strength and spirit that lives inside and teacher her how to stop this thinkin on a dime.

Queenie - Are you taking anti-D's?

No, I'm not. I tried a few different types last summer and had frustrating reactions to them.

Someone earlier this week posted about vitamins. I haven't taken them at all either, but I just ordered a daily and balanced health from my business and will start taking them on Tuesday.

Queenie,

I'm with Mimi on this one. Who do you think is so far ahead of you on their personal journey, and why does it matter? Some people, such as myself, have been at this for a while (three years for me) and I am just getting to a place of confidence.

Some people also decide to throw in the towel sooner than you, or their WS's divorce them so fast your head could spin, so it SEEMS like they are further ahead. WHATEVER, It's not a race.

I think the weather is soooo adversely affecting you, that you need to get up and get out. Turn on some dance music, shake your thang for a half hour. Laugh out loud for no reason. Watch an uplifting movie or show. Tell all your friends you need to get out. Plan a dinner party. I dunno, DO something for yourself.

I know when it's rainy and drab, I feel rainy and drab, unless I distract myself.

Queenie - do you feel happy inside when you are doing fun things?

Queenie,

I've found that the roller coaster goes on and on. And may for some time to come. I'm up, happy, think that I'm going to be fine...and then boom, down I go. I think that we are allowed to have a few downs here and there. I just try to ride them back up because what else can we do.

I guess it's a grieving process, like a death to some extent. And I'm headed to 2 years dday and I don't think that I'm doing that well. Maybe some days, but some not. And as SL said, this isn't a race.

Hang in girlfriend. Someone on here (I think Believer?) said that she would make crying an event - wine, kleenex, candles, etc and get it out of her system. I've learned to do that too. I just break down, get it over with, and get on with it. Catch the roller coaster back up....

Queenie...

I have probably missed it, but do you have an IC?

I truly feel your pain...is the sun shining there today?

It's been a long, grey winter in the PNW...not conducive to positive thoughts or mood.

For the last few years (even before A), I was not nearly as "happy" as I am right now.

Let me explain...

My "it's all my fault...my life sucks" phase was pretty ugly (yanno, plan C).

There was so much missing from my life and I didn't even realize it.

Before the A I was not happy with myself or our marriage. I was sleepwalking.

This thing really woke me up.

What I came to recognize is that my own happiness is in my hands (duh), and I'd better get cracking!

I am now so much more appreciative of all the positives in my life...myself, my own growth, my health, my kids, my job, etc., etc.

My life is good!

I picked an interesting book at the airport bookstore on one of my recent trips...I noticed it b/c of its title..."You Can Be Happy No Matter What, five principles for keeping life in perspective" by Richard Carlson. It's short and a quick read.

In it, he discusses feelings, moods and reality. Basically, when we recognize that our moods are that, and NOT our reality, it's truly liberating.

I can now say to myself..."Gee, I'm having a low mood day, but my reality is no different..."

Perhaps a little pop-psych, but it has certainly worked for me!

Hope you have a great weekend and Mom's day!

L2F

SL, I didn't have an answer for you on this yet, but this one just came to me and since I'm shaking I think it's a fair assumption on why I think this.

Because as crazy as it may be to you, this is REAL to me, I'm afraid you all will get tired of my slowness in recovery and stop talking to me. I dont feel safe in any relationship right now accept with G-d and unfortunately he talks to me in his time and I am left waiting and naturally wondering if I am doing this right or that and it just wears on me.

Believer, I feel happy, content and peace inside when I am doing the simplest, stupidest, every day things. I love my life, I love where I live - Wa State that is, I appreciate all the things I have, I find joy in almost nothing. Taking a walk, singing to myself, seeing the sun come up, looking at moon at night, watching my children play, watching my children play together when they all three are together. Most days I can find happiness, joy or whatever in almost anything.

I am sorry Queenie,


...looks like you are having a real rough day...

...it's just the way it is sometimes...

...but if you don't think you can manage it...or if this 'negativity' as Mimi has so well pointed out.... lasts too long... or you see as too big a burden...I do think you should consider getting some help with it....

...I consulted after D-day.... and I am consulting again with an IC to help me with plan D...

... it's a lot to juggle sometimes.... and it's totally normal to feel overwhelmed at times... just hang in there....

...usually the less I resist the quicker these 'moments' pass.... and I have often given myself a 'break' ... for me, it was sleeping in ...or having an afternoon nap... like.... 'please world, for an hour, can you manage without me? ...and check out' and it has helped....pass the 'moment'....
or...decide to have a 'pity party' as has been suggested....and make it fun!

...you are in my thoughts, Queenie.... and you WILL find your way through this.... trust yourself enough....

(((((((((((((((((QUEENIE))))))))))))))))

Queenie:

I'm sorry if it seemed as if I was being insensitive.

I may have not made this clear to you.

I've actually suffered from depression for as long as I can remember.

By nature, I'm prone to depressed moods, even on sunny days.

I've learned all kinds of strategies to FIGHT DEPRESSION.

I've learned the WORST thing that I can do is to give into IT.

If I give into IT, the least little bit, I can start going down into that pit...just like what happened with you today...

So I've been encouraging you to learn to FIGHT IT..

By all means, don't CLAIM it as your COMFORT ZONE...

ACT AS IF you are NOT depressed...

YOUR ACTIONS can actually LIFT your MOOD when inside you are wracked with pain...

Also, as I have told you a zillion times, MIND CONTROL is a POWERFUL TOOL..changing your THOUGHTS can instantly change your MOOD...

FIGHT, QUEENIE..don't give into that MONSTER...

And yes, you are GRIEVING...

Yes, you are HURTING...

But YOU have to gain control over your EMOTIONS...

YOU take the reins...do not let the FEELINGS take control...

Ah, I see. Queenie, this is not going to happen. Yes, we may get frustrated with one another here and there. We're family; it happens. We WILL push you in those moments, but we are not in the business of abandoning anybody.

Keep posting, even on those rainy days, when you don't feel so great. Just know that we are not going to allow you to wallow. We'll send hugs followed by a gentle kick in that rump to get you focused.

Don't give in to it. Sometimes you need a good cry and then to let it go and get up and dance. PLAN something to look forward to, and SOON.

YOU ARE SLOW?

What do you call ME?

I'M STILL IN RECOVERY and PROUD of IT...still EVOLVING...

I've even been going out the house without eye shadow lately...

OH MY...